Review #2: Remember... flutterJackdash · 10:05am Dec 23rd, 2019
I read: Completed at 2 chapters, 5.8k words
I rate: 8/10
I recommend: Read
Right then. Remember... remember how people really do say that Applejack is a glorified background pony? I would be obliged to disagree - the way I see it, the character receives such underwhelming treatment because her life is essentially done already and she lacks any serious aspirations past keeping it that way; hence her stories often feel out of character or contrived as to make the plot go somewhere. Coincidentally, Perfect Pear is such a good episode precisely because this isn’t the case and it builds on a part of her backstory, or the prelude to it, the isn’t already satisfied and complete. Remember… does likewise, and this review will be focusing on its rewritten chapter.
One thing to note here, before we begin. Bright Mac is not Fresh Apple, AJ’s father in this particular story. Rather, Fresh Apple is an OC, created before Perfect Pear aired. That out of the way, however, he is written well. Very well. The story follows his life and interactions with his eldest daughter, focusing on drawing contrast on the strength in his youth and his weakness and mental failings in old age to spectacular effect. The result of the vignettes present is a tragic and emotional story that, if not for the pastel ponies, has happened before and will, alas, happen again.
This is enabled to a great part by flutterJackdash’s writing. Its a rather unique style and was actually a little odd for me to read its written in present tense, rather than the commonly-used past. However, this does add another level of immersion and the writer is skilled enough to pull it off. Otherwise there’s a fairly slow pace with a lot of focus on description and subtlety, which warrants a second read of the story if it was remotely interesting the first time around, which it was for me.
Otherwise, Applejack is also written plausibly here. She’s shown to be a hard-working and eager youth for whom the development into “best background pony” is quite logical and also somewhat poignant - while writing this review it did occur to me that she’s deeply similar to her father here, and such a case of dementia affecting her would make an excellent sequel. Most importantly though, she is sympathetic to an extreme and her interactions and relationship with Fresh Apple are highly believable and quite touching to read and also underscored with a bit more maturity and realism than we ever really saw in the show.
That’s not to say that this story is without faults, however. It can be a bit slow at times and, due to the non-chronological order of the vignettes, hard to follow. This has the unfortunate effect of defusing tension throughout the work, which denies any particular sort of catharsis or sudden emotional payoff. Whether or not you prefer it this way, with just the dull ache of remorse ending it, is up to you though and I can definitely see this being a matter of taste. The phonetic accents also got a bit irritating because I’ve seen the show - presumably you have too, it is very good - and I know how AJ talks.
Plot: 3/5. The story is told well and respectfully written and vignettes of the Apples’ lives are all paced well, however their non-sequential nature is somewhat difficult to follow.
Characters: 4/5. Fresh Apple is portrayed as a realistic and loving father, which makes his decay even more tragic - likewise AJ is also quite believable and sympathetic.
Style: 4/5. The narration is slow and melancholic, balancing between show and tell particularly well. I can’t, however, say that the phonetic accents add anything and they sometimes come off as distracting, especially when everything else is so neatly written.
Execution: 4/5. The story is a particularly touching tale of losing a once grand family member to dementia.
Overall Rating: 15/20 = 8/10
To fullterJackdash: Very good work here. I’d say the rewrite you gave this was definitely warranted and did dramatically improve things. For additional improvements, I’d advise to remove the phonetic accents and perhaps speed up the pace a little, especially in the middle vignettes, so the story doesn’t meander. However these are nitpicks and this is an excellent story overall. Going on, I’d recommend you keep writing and, if you haven’t already, do add this story to the appropriate groups.
For something like this: Under a Tree, which I’ve coincidentally had in my Read it Later shelf for something like two years now, also discusses AJ’s parentage in a sombre tone. Judging by the fact that Equestria Daily liked it and I also liked it, it's good.
As always, thank you for reading. If you enjoyed this story, why not check out some more of my writing? My YA novel Paper Girl has just reached its thrilling conclusion! Relevantly, AJ also appears in one chapter.
