- Member Since 18th Mar, 2012
- offline last seen 6 days ago
Dark0592
Here lies the wistful delusions of the sleep addled mind. Actually wait, no, just me.
Dark0592
Joined 18th Mar, 2012 ·
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no firsts for you, I don't need my fans getting bans. This is kind of odd at the moment, the only dialogue is when she talks to herself so the rest of it is kinda wall of text... I'm hoping to fix that, or at least get used to it... Tell me what you guys think, oh and by the way, any of the story elements you feel are rushed tell me. Most likely I'll be coming back to it later to explain it but I could miss a few things so help me help you!
KEEP IT UP!!! THIS IS PHENOMENAL!!!! *tracked 50 times over*
>Starts reading
Ech this is just steampunkbrony rip-off...dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Redheart_hmph.png
>Steampunk prosthetics
FUCKING TRACKINGdl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Bonbon_OMG_LOVE.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Bonbon_OMG_LOVE.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Bonbon_OMG_LOVE.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Bonbon_OMG_LOVE.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Bonbon_OMG_LOVE.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Bonbon_OMG_LOVE.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Bonbon_OMG_LOVE.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Bonbon_OMG_LOVE.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Bonbon_OMG_LOVE.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Bonbon_OMG_LOVE.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Bonbon_OMG_LOVE.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Bonbon_OMG_LOVE.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Bonbon_OMG_LOVE.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Bonbon_OMG_LOVE.png
please continue this
Enjoying Among the Ruins eh?
*edit* Now that I've actually read the thing, might as well give feedback.
First, I'll say that your technical quality has improved since previous stories. Way less spelling and grammar errors.
But it's still rough beyond that. This suffers from Walls of Text, information overload, is indecisive about what perspective it is, and has too much tell instead of show.
Walls of Text - easy enough to fix, just break the paragraphs up more
information overload - You give way too much information in way too short of a time. After reading this, my first though basically boiled down to "um... what just happened?" Since you obviously took a lot of inspiration from Ruins, let's look at that; What Ruins did right is that it didn't really tell you all that much backstory in the first chapter, you know that Canterlot is dead, Twilight is alone, and that she has acid blood and tears. That's about it for the big picture. In addition to all of those things, you also brought in cybernetic limbs, and some kind of conspiracy (I think), and I'm pretty sure there was something else that I'm forgetting.
tl;dr Too much content in too little text. space things out more, or make the chapter longer. It feels like I'm reading a research paper rather than a fictional story
perspective - You can't seem to decide if you want this to be in 3rd person omniscient (perspective of God, knows everything) or 3rd person limited (perspective of Twilight, only what she knows). Pick one and stick with that.
show vs tell - For example: "Suddenly, there was a noise nearby. The sound of movement she had grown to recognize and be wary of."
vs
"Her musings were interrupted by the sound of footsteps sounding through the air, and she instantly tensed up."
The difference between the two is that the first tells us that she is wary of hearing movement, and the second merely implies that she is. The more you leave for the audience to figure out for itself, the better.
1084921 we talked for like two hours before i started this lol, and technically I don't need to. The only thing that's the same is that it's canterlot and that it's twilight lol.
1084934 To be completely honest I'm not completely sure where this one is going, I just read the two chapters ruins had and absolutely had to write my own. I know it feels rushed and a bit too informative but with the lack of dialogue my brain kinda goes dull with it. I'm doing what I can and soon I'll get used to it. The biomechanical aspect of this story as well as her being wary of movement will be explained hopefully in chapter 2, if not there than chapter 3.
as for the perspective, eh I'm still learning a bit. None of my schooling ever really covered anything besides what I needed to write an essay or a review so I've had to start almost from scratch. And for that specific scene of 'show vs tell' that felt odd to me but it was kinda like 2 in the morning so I couldn't put words to the sounds like that. shoulda been something like 'She heard the sound of rubble and debris being knocked aside, as if something was moving it' or something like that.
and here's chapter two, I hope I improved a bit on the wall of texts but explanation needed to happen a bit.
This looks awesome
Loving this story and i don't normally enjoy steam punk pony stories so A+ for you.
1089171 it's not even really focused on steampunk, I just really enjoy the style and wanted to implement steam power to add a bit of badassery to the story and a recognizable style.
and here's chapter three! I'm thinking that after everything goes down and canterlot is safe I'm going to end it generally there, but would you guys like a Sequel after that? Namely a similar outbreak of the toxin causing a different city to get quarantined and everything. If you guys really want a sequel i'll think about it, and if that happens then you get to decide which city.
Trottingham
Manehattan
or Stalliongrad.
it's all up to you guys!
i think a sequel would be awesome and for the place manehattan
yay sequel
Spike is a little too casual about all thisdl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Vinyl2.png
and here's chapter four, a bit of an intermission for anyone who was a little interested in the unknown logs and to build a bit of story
Verry nice and also (THe tow nodded and started walking.) don't you mean (The two nodded and started walking.)?
1092464 fixed it in the doc after uploading... blah. too lazy to fix
am i seriously only the second person to leave a comment oh well this story is AWESOME!!!!
i cant wait 4 the next chapter I dont see why not many people hav read this and the ones that do arent bothering to like, dislaike or leave a comment lazy people 
oh wait what the buck as soon as i add this comment about 17 others pop up
1092778 theres not even ten yet
1092778 when you're on a specific chapter it only shows comments on that chapter, but if you're looking at the story it shows all comments
keep going on this
>> Dark0592 i guess that makes sense
1096765 that's how the site works
Ah, you finally caved in and added some romance, huh? Good on ya.
lol cant wait for the next update which will be when?
I couldn't help but chuckle to myself as i reread twi's lines after the teleport... hope you liked it!
i did enjoy it and it looks like i was abit ahead :)
um these chapters seem too short but there good not the less u deserve 4 sexy spike mustaches
as I said above still accepting OCs
i hav one (an OC)
well his name is whirlwind he's a pure white pegasus pony with Gray mane and tail his cutie mark is a tornado coz he can pretty much create them on the spot in no time at all i don;t hav a picture for him though other wise i;d give u it
u can create his personality i mean its ur story
1115133 go to dolldivine.com and create it with the general zoi's pony creator but it's not required, send the basic bio in a PM or I'll lose it.
Awesome! I've been reading the Leviathan series by Scott Westerfeld of late, so I'm now heavily into steampunk, so the fact you pumped this out blew my mind. Everything feels very functional. One thing you disn't mention is he need to adapt to the weight of a metal limb. Maybe have her wake up with it feeling hefty then casting a spell to lighten it. Also, in the process of this, set out her morning routine. It'll add to the strangeness, what with the whole get dressed, brush teeth, tune up advanced prosthetic limb, murder evil mutants, etc. that way you can take advantage of the surreality of the thing.
1115860 I actually had something like that planned for closer to the end or the sequel when things are less survival and more normal living
I'm really enjoying this one even though I have an original story and a naruto fic to worry about. This will have at least three more chapters so it's not much longer. Hope you enjoyed!
oh and by the way, I know... hella cliffy there
Badflank Twi mode engaged.
This is amazing. This is better than where you pulled inspiration from and I look forward to anything else you have planned.
Sincerely;
The Fictional Critic.
1118421 don't say this is better when he's only got 2 chapters. they're two different genres, mine is combat based. his is more of an emotional journey
1120015
I was not talking about being better in terms of story construct or the number of chapters. I was referring to your writing style. Which in my opinion seems to have made this story more interesting. Not to say that I like his any less, they are both very enjoyable stories. It is merely that I enjoy this style of writing more.
Sincerely;
The Fictional Critic.
1120331 i just don't see the point of comparing two different stories, but I guess if it's not story or content based it doesn't bother me, thanks by the way.
This is interesting, although your detail on anatomy may or may not need work, it was kinda of all over the place back a few chapters. Otherwise its fun to read.
1140184 I'm not some doctor or anything so I can only guess at anatomy, I rely on the factor of magic to make these things work, which is perfectly acceptable considering what the story is
1143002
No, you do a wonderful job explaining how they work, its mostly me getting confused between whether she is quadrupedal or bipedal. I look forward to more updates though.
1143039 lol this is humanized so bipedal
blueblood is so getting banished to the moon!!!!!!!!
the sphere sounds like the halo flouting ball thing and I don't know its name.
da da damn
1159642 the oracle or guilty spark, no it's more rustic looking, it was salvaged from scrap after all.