Sparrow awaken in a semi-familiar area one he thought he would never see again but now it's alot more colorful then he left is and who is that yelling at a tombstone
First time doing a displaced, so criticism is appreciated, also there is no bloodborne tag
Edit: so I decided to implement RGRE in the story, but it will only be implications and such, it will not be a major factor
Edit 2: i will try to update the roster when ever we get a new hunter/crafter or when one gets a new weapon
Editor: Alchemik (https://www.fimfiction.net/user/259701/Alchemik)
Feat: 12/14/22
Chapters (6)
So far, it's a descent start. Bonus points goes to you for not using the comicon/merchant for the start of the story.
I am enjoying the story so far, but you need to work on describing the characters and locations.
Great story! Now, I got a question, will other bloodborne and dark souls bosses will be in here, just curious???
9999948
I plan on including some bloodborne enemies, as well as trying to come up with some original bosses
9999832
I need mroe practice with that in general
10000079
I hope we get to see that lady when she transformed by our own eyes into a deer-like werewolf. That my favorite boss, I also loved the other werewolves bosses.
10001265
I already know I wont be doing any of the human to monster bosses
10001277
So how’s the new chapter going? I just found this and I must see more!
10124233
I'm working on it, just having issues on how to incoporate one character, and then the classic i wan tto incoporate these ideas down the line
This is really good plz keep it up
Next! No really I want the next chapter… do you have any idea how hard it is to find a GOOD bloodborne fic that isn’t essentially murder porn?
10183564
i'm nto tryign to focus entirly on the blood and death kind of things as this is equestria and only the start fo an issue, I do have the death of one particullar pony planned already, but otehr then twilight and sparrows history exchange i don't have much, and unless i have a full concept for a chapter I don't really start on it.
10183378
Thank you
10183587
And I am complementing you on that. I’ve seen far to many that death dark kill and nothing else. At least you have some character interactions Beyond Stab till movement stops.
10183689
i think alot of peopel don't think of the story and lore behind bloodborne and darksouls, and only focus on the action and combat bits
Straight into actions huh,well Im not complaning.
My only regards is to not give up on your writting.
Unfinished yet interesting stories are annoying.
Dialoging and characters need to be improved,dialogues sound like what NPC would say.
That moment you realize how fucked you are and that not even dying will save you.
Also, not enough descriptions. What does Luna look like, what is she wearing? What is the Hunter wearing (don't bother with his biological appearance, leave it to the readers to put themselves in his shoes)? In what way is the Dream bright? Then you mention the sun but it's the Dream so that doesn't make sense, remembering you said it was bright before why didn't you say the sun was out? These are all important details.
Better than the first chapter.
what do those two things have to do with each other?
I like the story so far, but it is rushed. It is like you are bouncing from one thing to the next, never giving it time to sink in. Exploring the workshop could have been the entire chapter, and it could have ended with luna’s arrival. but as is, you wrote very little and packed in too much.
You were in such a rush the first sentence has a typo. Plus, this first paragraph could have been five times as long and still not been too spaced out. You described nothing here while saying a lot. For example, the hunter’s armor shouldn’t just be called “the hunter’s armor.” When you first see something, it should be described in detail, how it feels, how it looks, the details on what the character thinks about it.
Here is an example of that first paragraph spread out.
This is better than the first chapter when it comes to describing things. The larger word count helps with that. Though while the descriptions are better, the dialog is a bit clunky. It sounds like you are taking a roundabout way of saying things.
It sounds like he is over-explaining here, which is ironic considering that the first chapter had the opposite problem.
He keeps his giant weapons in a pouch? A pouch is small by definition, so I have no idea how that would work.
also, that is not a great sword, a great sword as tall than me and needs two hands the Burial Blade doesn't have a direct equivalent but the closest would be a khopesh? Literally called a sickle sword.
You really should focus on dialogue next. I honestly don’t know what to say to “basic grunts of these creatures”
The guns in blood-born use cartridges.
i.etsystatic.com/17224276/r/il/7e44a2/1463578320/il_570xN.1463578320_9mtj.jpg
There is even a historical version of that exact gun
i.pinimg.com/originals/53/66/b7/5366b7318256f49ffe134c9432da981a.jpg
Though the hammer on the blood born version looks like a flintlock so I have no idea what is up with that when we can clearly see the cartridge in the official art, and the quicksilver bullets have a back and aren’t just the bullet head. The image the game has for them is a full cartridge suggesting that they aren’t flintlock, but it shows the back melting suggesting even the cartridge is made from quicksilver? No projectiles are in that shape unless the back holds the gunpowder.
why is he annoyed by that?
I never got RGRE fics. They always act like it is the 1980's version of sexism which is honestly really distracting in a fic. Also teh sexisum itself doesen't make sense, Even though there are more mares in power compared to our world stallions are still generally larger and stronger then mares. You even see this with the guards where Celestia has mostly stallions as guards So yes the stations are still probably seen as protectors. If anything, I would change their society to be more intellectual based when it comes to gender stereotypes. The mares tend to be planners and are seen as more intelligent while stations are seen as grunts with more muscle. It still doesn't explain everything but it would actually fit there world and not go in the face of what were have seen from the show... Well there was that one time RD said "I won't go easy on you just because you are a stallion" to bigmac but literally the rest of the show doesn't support this idea.
when is the next chapter because this is going surprisingly well for a bloodborne crossover.
10405613
writers block ontop of being barely able to talk to my editor, and lots of work, the chapter exists, just need to get soem edits in place, and determine if i like where i ended it at
10405624
If you need help editing, please let me know. I can help with that.
10251586
Not completely true if you read them a lot of the times on RGRE stories they reverse not just the gender role but the whole size thing so female would end up larger than the males.
10488898
But almost every mare in the series is smaller than the stallions we see, and horses naturally have about the same height in both genders, so it doesn't make sense from a biology standpoint. In fact, the only big difference with horse genitalia is that gelded males are usually taller than stallions, which is odd and suggests that testosterone doesn't encourage growth in the same way as humans.
It's nice to see a new chapter after such a long period of silence. It's a great chapter as well. Oh and with that storyline following the girl that got eaten by a boar, there's another part. If you go back to where you would normally talk to the girl after obtaining the ribbon, you instead talk to her sister. Telling her of her sister's demise causes her to....take the easy way out.
10597406
I'm aware of that part, I just could not think of a good way to put that in there
10597805
Fair enough. My idea was to briefly mention that he found the body of the girl's sister splattered on the ground next to a ladder.
Glad to see an update to this story after so long! Hope everything's going well for you!
11450066
yeah, I have been making new projects for myself, and decided to knuckle down and work on my stories