• Member Since 19th Oct, 2019
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Creative Paradox


Sequels1

T
Source

Remastered version here: Siblings-of-blacklight-and-nemesis-remastered

So... yeah you should know the basics me and my brother went to a con bot stuff from a murchaint and... got sucked into equestria about 30 years before Nightmare Moon and got turned to stone because they saw my little brother as a f***ing monster and attacked him and of course we retaliated and I consumed a guard. you know the rest basically got blasted by rainbow's but hey I'm not holding it against Celestia and Luna I would probably reacted the same way if not more brutally if I were in her place. anyway when we get out we're probably going to find a secluded place and practice our abilities... Although I'll have to convence my brother that he's not a monster and that despite his new looks and virus flowing in his vains he's still my little brother... Now if only we could stop the ponies from using my brothers DNA to replicate the T-virus (displaced story)

(Story edited by: https://www.fimfiction.net/user/179817/vortex123)


Author's note: I'd like to say that I do not under any circumstances own any characters from mlp, resident evil, or etc. I only own my oc thanks for listening and enjoy the story

Chapters (5)
Comments ( 54 )
Comment posted by vortex123 deleted Oct 28th, 2019
Comment posted by vortex123 deleted Oct 28th, 2019

this is my first story after all.

We can tell.:ajbemused:

Awesome chapter, you are doing an amazing job. I can't wait to read the next chapter.:pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy:

Yea, I can tell its your first story just by description alone way before I got to the part where it said so, you even used the same cliche aka being turned to stone as most Displaced story use, which is a very common thing for those who are new to writing or to the Displaced.

Rather than shitting all over your story like it deserves, I will attempt to give some constructive criticism.

... Everything needs to be fixed. Frankly it's barely legible. I will give you credit for finding a proofreader, but I'm not sure if the guy you found was better than not having a proofreader. Further, the plot is so goddamn overused that I could pretty much predict every single beat by the paragraph. Illiteracy is bad but unoriginality is unforgivable.

English is not my first language so I am not qualified to criticize grammar, as for the story, it is quite generic but not bad, however I recommend that you first count all the events of the past before doing some crossover, what what happened in the crystal empire surely affected the characters and it would be a good opportunity to introduce them to me, I (and I am sure that many others) believe that most crossovers should not be added if they are not going to affect the story significantly, if and they will give the protagonist a new power or help him in a fight they would seem like a resource of the author so that the character becomes stronger or overcomes a situation and that ends up taking credit to the protagonist, if you are going to make a crossover, make it affect personally to both characters, for example, the crossover between "The Mighty Warrior of Epicness" and "Gravity of situation" is the best crossover I've seen so far because it affects the characters in a very personal way and produces a great change in both characters, and crossover is an important point in both stories and that is (for me) the best type of crossover there can be, if it is not possible to make such a crossover, I recommend that you make them as extra chapters and that they do not affect the main plot of the story

I have one problem with this story and it's a big one:

I have read this before. Beat to beat, plot point to plot point, every single thing I hate about Displaced I've seen in the past is in this story. Fanfiction is meant to be a creative process and this is just cut and paste from the Displaced Handbook For Writing Utter DreckTM and has no real reason to exist.

"But you can't judge a story's worth in just 1200 words!"

Then write more than 1200 words. Write something original and compelling rather than retreading the corpse of a long overdone "genre" of edgefic only 11-17 year olds read because they're still in the mindset of "Edgy crossovers are cool!" Two people in this comment section in particular jump out as in being of that crowd, not naming names.

Before you ask, this isn't an indictment on you in particular. Sure, it's your own fault for writing this, but you were surely "inspired" by the greater Displaced "community" to crap this out. There's nothing noteworthy about this other than being Yet Another Fucking Displaced Fic Because People Won't Learn That It's Dead.

Okay, there's one thing. Your proofreader is easily the worst one I've ever seen or straight up didn't proofread it at all, because even the title of your story needs corrections. The description is a whole other matter and the actual 1200 word "story" I haven't even bothered to get to otherwise I would go full Grammar Nazi on you.

Be thankful for the both of us I don't have that sort of time commitment.

Has potential to be good. faved because blacklight

9913004
Ok one: I’m also new to writing stories, so forgive if I’m unable to immediately notice every single mistake in the chapter (you know, the thing a proofreader actually works on). As for the title, the moderators didn’t have a problem with it. Two: it’s your own fault for willingly reading Displace fanfics despite hating them. There’s a phrase that can be used for this: The definition of insanity is to try something over and over again, and expect different results. I’m not sure why people keep reading stories based on an idea they hate. And before you say anything, Displace fics do have Different results if the like to dislike ratio for the more popular ones are anything to go by.

Next: By you acknowledging you’ve read, and clearly are still reading, Displace fics, that you most be somewhat close to that mindset, if you’re still reading them despite hating them.

Finally: Most new writers either can’t write more then 1200 words on the first chapter because, again, their new to this and don’t have much experience. Or they don’t go past that since it’s possible it won’t be passed through moderation. Fixing mistakes in a 1200 word chapter is much more doable than a chapter with a much bigger word count.

9916560
The mods will approve damn near anything. That’s not an indication of quality. And sure, people new to writing will not necessarily know how to formulate a story properly. However, note the emphasis on writing. Not being a good author does not mean you can’t know how to spell, use proper punctuation, and recognize (and stop) a run-on sentence.

The least you could have done as a proofreader is know that titles, and proper nouns in titles, are CAPITALIZED.

9917364
One, I have told him, but it’s not my story. If he wants to keep it that way, that’s his choice. Two: again I’m new at proofreading. Actually hang on, aren’t you the guy who said all Displaced fics are trash on one of my fics? If you hate the Displaced idea so much, why are you still reading them?:rainbowhuh: This isn’t related to this or my fic, it’s a genuine question. Displaced fic are something you already know your gonna hate, and yet you keep willingly reading them.

9917389
That sounds like something I’d say. But the truth is that displaced can be good. The problem is that so few have ever achieved good. Displaced is almost universally lazy, poorly written, and designed to grab the attention of readers who don’t know any better.

As to why I keep reading... I’d like to be proven wrong some day.

Yeah I get it but I'm mainly trying to catch up to were blacklight can get summoned so me and dark can have a memorable crossover plus the story now till that point will be like in the show at least until after blacklight and nemesis meet the main 6 once that happens things will get...interesting.

9917414
Well, to each their own I guess. *shrugs*

9917414
That's because most of them are written by people who are new to writing or to the Displaced itself and were inspired by another displaced fic that followed the same exact beginnings. They follow it because it is a simple start, but it is also a bad start as it often leads to the story being canceled or never updated at all due to negative responses or criticism they couldn't handle.

Well I don't have to worry about that because I don't care what others think but I will take there thoughts into consideration but like I was basically saying no ones perfect. Well got to get back to work I have to get caught up so I can do a good crossover have a good day everyone. :twilightsmile:

More please. You need more likes. HEY STOP DISLIKEING

Thank you for the compliment :twilightsmile:

I am going to reaffirm my previous criticism, I recommend you to develop the character before doing any crossover, as for this chapter ... it does not say much more to tell us at what time of the program the story is set and to suggest the possibility that the changeling are a mutation of one of the viruses, for now, I like it although the story still seems very generic to me and I will wait for the next chapter

You capitalized the title! Honestly that does a lot for the presentation of this fic. It's a solid start.

You need to slow down and create a bit of character development and world building. The way you hint about the blacklight acting up around the changeling, tell sign that they are related in fact they maybe his people, his blacklight virus evolved to a sapiens species, we cant discount the fact that the virus CREATED the hunter and many more, Chrysalis maybe his surprise daughter, she never did have a parent or mention of them. But this is a fanfic you make the rule.

don't worry the next chapter explains the blacklight changeling thing but sorry can't slow down till I get to ch.4 do to me trying to create a good crossover with Dark then after that I'll make sure to take it slow and try to make the chapters longer now that, that's done hope everyone has a good day:twilightsmile:

9925951
9920329
You need to actually reply to a comment. Just putting a comment doesn't mean the person will see it and people will be confused who you're talking to

Also, you should use italics for thoughts. Otherwise some people may get confused.

After everyone had figured out that they wouldn't be able to use magic, the group started their journey towards the hive. Blacklight began to think back on how, what was supposed to be his greatest creation, became my greatest failure.

If this is in third person, it should be "became his greatest failure"

*sigh* my fear for my favorite queen is unfound, thank goodness I may breathe easy... For now. it seems like Mercer plan to bring his family together, they really need it he been gone like what a thousand and thirty plus year, it an enough time for them to fall in disrepair since they know that their big papa and uncle is imprisoned by the princess without knowing why.

By the look of this grammar and spelling, English is ain't your forte. So I will tell you a useful tool, install an app know as Grammarly it will help in its namesake and spelling. Don't think I'm trying to promote something, I'm just trying to help.

9926047
Thanks for the advice and hope you enjoy the story

9926136
Oh, I am enjoying it, since the prototype is my favorite game that has a very OP main character. I'm still disappointed about the developers choosing to make mercer antagonist in the sequel. I like heller but Alex is cooler

9926141
Trust me I feel the exact same way Alex will always be my favorite :twilightsmile:

......I have a feeling the two brothers will meet a certain changeling when they arrive.
Anyway good story, hope to see the next chapter.

Well things moving along nicely, I didn't expected that Celestia accidentally killed twilight, and resulted in using the virus that didn't end in the town getting consumed. If you're going in that route with twilight, then give her a moral dilemma of being a redlight or is she a blacklight? That she may have to one day consume an intelligent life, intended or not. And a possibility of identity crisis if not controlled. Since the virus didn't realize that his not Alex Mercer, the real one is long dead.

“... And there stood a lone figure… a being who lost everything it cared about... one who went insane… a being who had torn the universe asunder… the devourer of Gods… his name is Blacklight..." With that, the vision ended.

there are only two individuals that I know of. Alex Mercer codename Zeus or Pariah the perfect blacklight virus

9943171
interesting correct and twilight has a new strand of the virus called the prototype and she is still twilight she's just a living virus now plus that's why celestia used the element of magic on her courps so her soul and everything that was her remains think of it like twilight's ghost possessing her own body well hope you enjoyed the story and have a good day :twilightsmile:

9943215
So twilight live but a memory possessing the virus, yet unaware she's dead... Twilight gonna break down and cause some damage, isn't she?. Oh the way BL mentioned about their past, he gonna get a flashback, isn't he.

So the prototype virus is weaker form than the original I bet, since the blacklight is constantly evolving every time it consumes biomass or any gene it gets, in fact BL can give himself a electric ability like an electric eel. did BL gotten a dragon DNA?

9943236
yes you are correct Blacklight does have dragon DNA and yes the prototype virus is weaker but it makes up for that by being more unique and yes she will freak out for a little bit but she doesn't cause any damage... Yet oh and in the next chapter Blacklight will be welcomed back to equestria as one of the rulers of his kingdom that he will have to rebuild he was known as the prince or king (witch ever is better) of compassion

9943243
*snick* he should keep the king title just to mess with the princess, since his daughter was titled as Queen is logical he was called king in his time.

9981879

This is why Celestia DOESN'T deserve to rule her kingdom! Or even let her kingdom burn, because of her prejudice and fearful actions. Also irony, she ALWAYS inadvertently cause the foreseen future apocalypse to happened!!!!!!!!! :facehoof:

10789784

Surprised that you have both answered my comment, and then agree with me?

10789791
eh just got finished with a crossover.
And if you're wondering this fic is just on pause because I had writers block.

10789963

Well, I know that you are now working on a Silent Hill Crossover with Pinkamena Diane Pie as Pyramid Head.

While, I still want to know IF Equestria gets destroyed by being total idiots for messing with a Blacklight Virus, and T-Virus Displaced Brothers.

10789992

⚠️WARNING ⚠️ MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD VEIW AT YOUR OWN RISK FOR STORY REBOOT PLOT!!!


no my plan was for them to create the changelings then create a new evolution for ponies and they would be completely immune to the viruses out in the world and then they would kill the undead throughout the world and the story will end. That's how it's supposed to go anyway I'm still working out the details and getting from point A to B and depending on if I decide to make changes to the overall plot to make the story more interesting it will take some time to even get that far and most of what I've just said won't happen for a while in the story so yeah.

10790028

Oh! That's for your Remake Story?! Interesting! At least they are saving everypony/everybody from the Normal Zombies. Hope they befriend the Ponies, especially the Main Character Ponies.

10790034
Click the white colored link and find out.

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