Time to write some fanfiction! Yay! If you have any thoughts comment! I find reading them fun!
When Trixie wakes up in Celestia's bed she's stunned and finds out she's spilled her guts to Celestia the previous night. Apparently Celestia assumed something that Trixie hadn't and that leads to some troubles.
Entry into: May Pairing Contest
Page generated in 0.102 seconds
Total duration
636 users online
1,283,525 hits today, 2,707,512 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Hehe, another one people aren't fans of. Go me! Always interesting when you have like, a 1/5 voting rate. Means at least I made an impression! :D
Why does this have so many downvotes? It's good.
9641701
I dunno, but man it seems to be divisive, it has like a 1/4 response rate which is scary high. :D
This story does not deserve it's current vote ratio. It's a great read with a practically non-existent pairing that's cute as all hell.
Umm... Ummm, can we have a run of this, with or without smut, like I want this, I did not know I wanted this, but I do. Even just fluffy story's about Celestia and Trixy just going on a dinner date or taking a trip to some other country and Trixy just listening to Celestia complain about the griffin/yack/dragon trade relations. Plz
9641861
People will be people, the thing that has me so confused is the ratio, this is so much higher a response ration than usual!
Not bad, but you really overuse the word precious. It being there nearly every paragraph is a tad overkill.
9641868
I know! That was purposeful. *Gloats about how great she is to be able to use a word a lot on purpose.* :D
9641863
Aww, is it that clawingly cute? It's so fluffy it has to be made of goose down.
Honestly I kind of pictured someone trying to take Trixie from princess Celestia and her having a "They stole the precious!" Gollum moment.
9643562
*Snickers* Crossover!
9641863
There, sequel with two chapters up.
If anyone knows of any other Celestia X Trixie fics or even just uncommon pairings with Trixie that are sweet like this let me know, Trixie needs more love
9646327
I'm working on a sequel.
Daawww. Trixie's adorably awkward. Whose this colt that betrayed her I wonder?
9655246
Shining Armor! (I have no idea, Shining Armor though would not be a logical answer.)
9641648
It's not really that bad of a ratio, but I have some suggestions for you, take them or leave them.
Nearly every sentence Celestia says has "precious" in it. Obviously this is set up for later, but you don't need to hit the reader that hard with it. It feels forced that way. Oh, and because precious is a pet name, it should have a comma before it when she's addressing Trixie as precious.
Celestia asks where the confident mare from last night went, but later in the story, Celestia makes it clear she fell for Trixie because she let her guard down for the princess.
Celestia leaves, really quickly. You should pause on that moment and emphasize the hurt she must feel, the betrayal. Clearly she's upset by Trixie's confusion/hesitance.
The whole story feels just a little rushed. I have MAJOR issues with that in my own stories, so when I'm writing and I feel like I'm kind of rushing through, I go pull up a story and see how they write and look at the details I'm glossing over, the actions that can fit between the dialogue. There's just a few places I can see where more elaboration would do wonders to sell this story, such as Trixie having a little more time to herself and think about the night before and how nice it was to let her guard down. Maybe give us, the reader, a glimpse into the night before and let us some of the night that burned them into each other's hearts.
Here's a good example:
Consort, while used correctly, still feels kind of clinical or too formal for what Celestia seems to be feeling for Trixie. Use it if you like, but it might make some feel like Celestia is using Trixie in her position of power rather than seeing her as a lover.
And lastly, if you write a story, don't post it on the same day you write it. When you go to proofread a story, people tend to overlook things since they know how the story is supposed to read, instead of how it does. Oh! and read it out loud to yourself! That's helped me multiple times.
I'd be remiss if I didn't say what I liked about the story, and one of them was the opening. It was a very nice introduction into the confusion that Trixie herself was in. I like that Celestia appreciated Trixie's honesty when she dared to speak up about being left so quickly. I also appreciate how Celestia is making Trixie see that she's referring to herself in the third person, forcing her to confront her mistakes rather than distancing herself with that language.
I look forward to the sequel, and I always admire a write who isn't afraid of tackling the tough ships!
9667071
Hehe, it used to be bad a bad ratio. Also, welcome back to following!
Hehe, well I did purposely use the crap out of precious, but I suppose I could pull it back...
I was thinking that was two different parts of the evening, but I could go rephrase it to make that more clear.
I did feel like the leaving was a bit rushed.
I couldn't decide if I wanted to actually reference the previous night or leave it completely in the shadows.
I'm happy you liked it! They're a cute couple! ^.^
and then twilight finds out about trixie new relationship and has a breakdown in shock
9715692
She does find out in the sequel.
9715730
ha ha yeah i read it now :p
Good idea, guess I need to read the rework version now.