- Member Since 20th Aug, 2018
- offline last seen Oct 22nd, 2023
Funkyfresh
Chivalry ain't dead, but I might be. Good stories? Shit stories? Who knows, hope they entertain you at the least.
Funkyfresh
Joined 20th Aug, 2018 ·
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Should be a what at the end. Seems interesting
9141302
Shit man that was fast. Thanks for the read by the way, any notice I need to do about editing or can I just go in and boop it.
9141305
Seems, sort of quick to me personally, but I'm also really bad with pacing. A tip for the next chapter would be build his background, he likes hiking, his mother left him when he was young. Stuff like that
Let’s see where this goes
9141317
Don't worry the next chapter I'm planning a bit of a flashback via storytelling.
Let's learn how to tie a noose
It's easy if you not obtuse
All you need is a piece of rope
And abandon all your hope
You make a loop and the snake goes down
But changes it's mind and turns around
And climbs back up to the top again
This is where the fun begins
The snake spirals down
And all around
And at the bottom what has he found
He snake goes into the rabbits hole
Then you give the top a pull
Now it's ready for your use this is how you tie a noose
9142410
Ehhhh! This guy gets it. I actually did learn how to tie one through that song.
9142633
I didn't even use the family friendly version either
Now this is an interesting premise for a story, one that I wish to see more of!
This is gonna be good
Hopefully this wasn't too depressing of a backstory. A brighter future is all one can hope for though.
9147517
Actually his name is pronounced Mare, but if you look at the actual family it goes back to møre.
9147856
Worry not I have the next chapter almost done rn.
I'm intrigued so far, but the perspective suddenly changed. It started off being written in third person, but now it's written in first person? It would be best to be consistent with the perspective. It was quite jarring to go from third person to first person.
Once again, why does the perspective keep shifting between first person and third person? The sections from James' point of view are half first person, and half third person. It's really disjointed and jarring, you really should just choose one.
This story has potential. I'm not going to like or dislike it, but I might keep an eye on it. The chapters are a little short, but that isn't really a problem by any means. This story could turn out great. The only proper suggestion I would make however, is to be more consistent in the perspective. Is the story first person or third person?
9150849
Sorry first time writing. Plus kinda how I think.
9150860
I will hopefully nail the viewpoint in the future. Also reason for the short chapters is I kinda work on one a day and was trying to use that to force myself to write.
9150869 So, you're totally the tortured artist/writer type? I dig it.
Jokes aside though, just go at your own pace. Then again, if you really want to force yourself to write, at least be sure to reread the chapter before you publish (However, this should be a given whether forcing yourself or going leisurely). That way you should be able to notice the whole perspective thing so that you can be more consistent.
Welp, you got me interested. I like it so far. I’ll definitely be following this story. >w>
great story so far i hope to see more from it soon
My only thing is you have these idiotic cues for readers: "Perspective of Diamond Tiara" "Perspective of Applejack."
Do me a favor: go to the nearest bookshelf, pick up literally any fiction book, and flip through it. Don't even have to read it. Did you see anything like these cues anywhere in there? No? That's because they distract the reader and look unprofessional. You're supposed to allow the reader to figure out damn quick who's perspective we're reading from. If you can't let us know within the first paragraph who's perspective this is without explicitly telling us with a little cue, you're doing it wrong.
Otherwise great work :) Well done!
9176479
Well it is one of my first stories, thanks for the input though. Still trying to find my own style or whatever, but I will keep that in mind for the future.
9176270
Thanks mate, always glad to hear someone got some enjoyment out of it.
9176695
Nice, first story? Pretty damn good for a first try, keep at it :)
9176713
Thanks, the four stories I have running right now are all kind of my first since I started them all around the same time.
Pretty fuckin good so far mate! Well done! This needs more bloody likes. Can't wait for more!
Mate, you managed to use the apostrophe incorrectly in every single instance.
It shows possessiveness, so it should be used when you're using a sentence to describe something "of" it. So it's the creature's mind, the spider's dress. The one instance where this is not true is when we're using "its" vs "it's." "It's" is the contraction of "it is" and should only be used therein. "Its" is the possessive form in this instance and, unless I'm mistaken, is the only time in the English language where an apostrophe is not used to show possession.
9208210
Sorry man, haven't been writing for very long. Thanks for the input though.
9208929
You're welcome, it gets better with use, keep at it!
9150867
I think you've done a great job so far! Very interesting so far.
And just P A I N but rainbow P A I N ! ?
9467966
Yee, the full spectrum of the PAINBOW!
9469223
Does it come with sprinkles?
9469881
PAIN SPRINKLES! (I like the sound of that.)
9471929
RAINBOW PAIN SPRINKLES!
It’s been a year almost. Think this one is another dead fic. Ripperoni and removed from my favorites.
9806696
YOU THOUGHT! but really sorry bout the delay.
Well, well, well.
What?
10287285
Yeah, I still need to go back and edit the first few chapters. Im hoping that my writing is considered better at the 6 or 7th chapters
10287306
I admit, I'm skimming, but I'll say that chapter 6 has tons of perspective and tense shifting for some reason? But it looks like you mostly stopped doing that in chapter 7, so that's a definite improvement.
I do hope you keep up with it.
10287354
My mind is a fuckin mess and I usually get less than 6 hours of sleep over 48 hours.
Stop tempting Murphy! When will the oc ever learn.
9806696
There's a new chapter up.
10288387
Like a zombie it rises from its tomb
10287595
Never~!!!
Roll the Undertale credits.
10594272
... I mean I do listen to the orchestral or regular versions of that soundtrack every now and again. But hell even someone who doesn't like the game would have to admit that the soundtrack is fuckin sweet.
10594407
Oh definitely, I listen to the soundtrack every now and then too. I actually really like Undertale, I just noticed that little reference right away lol.