404 Mercy
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Damn
1005618 problem ?
Uhh
1005648
Uhm, what ?
I like where this is going even though I don't get how they can be against 'fillyfoolers' due to the mare to stalion ratio.
Wow, that was a good chapter, can not wait untill the next
Well, I had been waiting to see if any body liked it before writing the next chapter. But I guess I'll go ahead and get started on it.
Looking forward to the continuation of this.
You have my interest, fair author, and I'm looking forward to more. Tracked!
Could work on the grammar and not spacing out punctuation from lettering, and a bit of advice, make a new paragraph every time someone new talks like
"Twilight are you sure everything is okay?" She asked again.
"Yes Rainbow, as I said, I am completely fine."
1005757
Yeah, I know theirs a lot wrong as far as grammar and literary elements go. But this is my first story that has gone public, so I am hoping with time and feedback I can improve on it. Thanks for the comment
i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/307/855/d45.png
lol im kidding interesting story so far
1005668
Sure, as far as the mane six goes, or secondary characters for that matter. But if you look closely you'll see quite a few stallions. Not to mention I wanted to play off the similar tension in modern society. Add on to it that, forbidden fruit angle, and I think it makes it a little more special.
I like the potential this story has, but there are a lot of grammar errors. Might I suggest an editor?
1006190
I'd love to have an editor. Especially from a critiques stand point before a chapter goes public. But I'm kinda new here and haven't made any connections yet. Any tips or pointers you can put into the comments are appreciated.
1006197 I'd be happy to edit for you. We all start somewhere, after all.
1006238
Yeah, no offense but no. That's part of the joke. A paradoxical styled joke.
1006241
Uh yeah I'd love that. I have no idea how to go about it, but that'd be great.
1006287 Well, do you use Google Docs to write? If you do, I can just give you my email and you can share the doc with me.
1006305
Uhm no, Microsoft Office
1006309 Hmm, well, you can link me the new chapter before you post it.
1006329
What do you mean ? I'm kinda unfamiliar with processes and terms here.
1006339 Okay, I'm going to assume you copy/paste your chapter onto this site once you're done with it. Before the chapter becomes an official update, you have to publish it by clicking a red button next to the chapter title. But people can still read the chapter even if it's not 'up' yet if you give the link to the chapter. If you have Skype as well, we can communicate and I can point out things in your story.
1006360
Okay, sounds good. I should have the next chapter up with in the next 24 hours.
1006371 Alright cool. Send me the link in a PM and I'll give it a once over. Good luck!
1006394
Thanks a bunch ! BTW, when I'm finished with my current project I'm going to head over to your story and check it out !
Would like to see where this goes, but yes, as stated by you and other reader, the grammatical errors are rather numerous.
I would have offered my services as a makeshift editor, but 1006394 decided to do said editing, I will help with the occasional error from now then.
1006470
As I said, any and everything you can do to help is appreciated. Any pointers you could give before I start chapter 2 ? Repetitive errors or something like that.
1006484 Should I put this in a PM or here?
1006569
Depends how much detail you feel like going in to. Your call though.
aww Poor Twilight
1005668
By having herds, in with case the gender ratio works.
You might need to find an editor. On another note, why isn't chapter 2 up yet?
1010691
Oh, sorry. That's kinda the reason. I've finished chapter 2, I'm just waiting on my editors to finish on their end. For the first time. Hope they work.
Hmm...
I'm really enjoying this story, but your dialogue seems a little... stiff.
That's really the only problem I could find with this story. Good job!
1011539
If you could elaborate on that a bit, perhaps give an example or suggestion. And I'd be glad to work on it for the next chapter.
1011570
Well, Twilight's first interaction with Zecora in chapter one would probably be the most obvious example.
Also, most of Twilight's dialogue in general seems sort of choppy/cut-up. I suppose it would sorta make sense when she's taking with Rainbow Dash, but other times it's just sorta weird.
I can't copy/paste specific examples, due to the fact that I'm at school on a Mac.
But like I said, that's really the only thing I could find aside from a few grammar/spelling errors.
1011663
Grammar and spelling errors ey ? I'll have to have a word with the editor bout that. And thank you for the comment. I will surely look into it and try and rectify it for the future.
TwiLuna?
1012892
Not this time. Sorry. Luna will be in it, and it is erotica, if you see what Im getting at. But not Twiluna.
Does she get in on the action though?
1013516
I'm not going ruin the suspense ! *cough* yes *cough*
Thanks, thats all i needed to know
awwe Great chapter
1013836
Thanks !
wow
1017861
Yes ?
1017897 i mean wow you just killed rainbow dash
1018005
Oh, did I ? I was not aware I had "killed" her, as you said.
1018027 wait?...damn it cliffhanger