Damn

1005618 problem ?

Uhh

1005648
Uhm, what ?

I like where this is going even though I don't get how they can be against 'fillyfoolers' due to the mare to stalion ratio.

Wow, that was a good chapter, can not wait untill the next

Well, I had been waiting to see if any body liked it before writing the next chapter. But I guess I'll go ahead and get started on it.

Looking forward to the continuation of this.

You have my interest, fair author, and I'm looking forward to more. Tracked!

Could work on the grammar and not spacing out punctuation from lettering, and a bit of advice, make a new paragraph every time someone new talks like
"Twilight are you sure everything is okay?" She asked again.
"Yes Rainbow, as I said, I am completely fine."

1005757
Yeah, I know theirs a lot wrong as far as grammar and literary elements go. But this is my first story that has gone public, so I am hoping with time and feedback I can improve on it. Thanks for the comment

i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/307/855/d45.png

lol im kidding interesting story so far

1005668
Sure, as far as the mane six goes, or secondary characters for that matter. But if you look closely you'll see quite a few stallions. Not to mention I wanted to play off the similar tension in modern society. Add on to it that, forbidden fruit angle, and I think it makes it a little more special.

I like the potential this story has, but there are a lot of grammar errors. Might I suggest an editor?

1006190
I'd love to have an editor. Especially from a critiques stand point before a chapter goes public. But I'm kinda new here and haven't made any connections yet. Any tips or pointers you can put into the comments are appreciated.

1006197 I'd be happy to edit for you. We all start somewhere, after all.

1006238
Yeah, no offense but no. That's part of the joke. A paradoxical styled joke.

1006241
Uh yeah I'd love that. I have no idea how to go about it, but that'd be great.

1006287 Well, do you use Google Docs to write? If you do, I can just give you my email and you can share the doc with me.

1006305
Uhm no, Microsoft Office

1006309 Hmm, well, you can link me the new chapter before you post it.

1006329
What do you mean ? I'm kinda unfamiliar with processes and terms here.

1006339 Okay, I'm going to assume you copy/paste your chapter onto this site once you're done with it. Before the chapter becomes an official update, you have to publish it by clicking a red button next to the chapter title. But people can still read the chapter even if it's not 'up' yet if you give the link to the chapter. If you have Skype as well, we can communicate and I can point out things in your story.

1006360
Okay, sounds good. I should have the next chapter up with in the next 24 hours.

1006371 Alright cool. Send me the link in a PM and I'll give it a once over. Good luck!

1006394
Thanks a bunch ! BTW, when I'm finished with my current project I'm going to head over to your story and check it out !

Would like to see where this goes, but yes, as stated by you and other reader, the grammatical errors are rather numerous.
I would have offered my services as a makeshift editor, but 1006394 decided to do said editing, I will help with the occasional error from now then.

1006470
As I said, any and everything you can do to help is appreciated. Any pointers you could give before I start chapter 2 ? Repetitive errors or something like that.

1006484 Should I put this in a PM or here?

1006569
Depends how much detail you feel like going in to. Your call though.

aww Poor Twilight

1005668

By having herds, in with case the gender ratio works.

You might need to find an editor. On another note, why isn't chapter 2 up yet?

1010691
Oh, sorry. That's kinda the reason. I've finished chapter 2, I'm just waiting on my editors to finish on their end. For the first time. Hope they work.

Hi, great story so far. I am really enjoying reading it. I saw that you mentioned that you wanted someone to proof read your work. If you'd like, I can help. I enjoy proofreading and editing, it's kind of my weird hobby.

I wanted to point out that some of your spacings are a little off. Like for instance in the line:

Twilight and Rainbow Dash paused. “ Twilight, are you sure everything is okay ? “ She still looked concerned for her friend. “ Yes Rainbow, as I said. I am completely fine. “

It feels a little too close together. Often times it is better to space the dialogue out.

But, I digress. Your story was really fun to read (well, from what I've read so far) and I am looking forward to reading the rest. Also, if you are interested in my help, let me know!

Hi there. Let's begin!

- I like how you started your story off, it was very nice.
- "shouldn't be feeling. Thinking of the -
“ No! “
She shouldn't be thinking that way, it was wrong," --> The No part should have more space in between the other two paragraphs so it doesn't look as squished.
-I noticed that when you use an exclamation point or a question mark you leave a space between the mark and the end of the sentence. Is this done on purpose?
-"I don't have anything for today ?! That can't be ! I can't have let that happen ! I can't waste an entire day !” " I like how frantic she gets in this line and in the lines after it, it felt very close to how the character is supposed to be. Perhaps, though, exchange the "?!" with a comma and make it two sentences into one
-“
Oh okay Spike, my apologies. Thank you for being understanding. “ This is not a huge problem, but it is still one that can distract a reader. Some of the lines of dialogue have floating dialogue markers, meaning the dialogue marker starts up there, but the dialogue itself doesn't start until the next line.

-"Her heart sunk at the mention of the last name. All the feelings she had been able to keep at bay this morning came rushing back. Mainly shame, but another feeling, deeper, that made her squirm ever so slightly. She stopped herself before she let it go any farther. " i really like this part, nice job.
-"She finished her meal, but just sat their. Contently watching the course of the sun and her fellow residents." Perhaps change the period in the middle to a comma?
- ",she" Nice try, comma. Very sneaky.
- I really like how you have gone about showing how Twilight is being affected by rainbow Dash. Also, the rainbow over the forest was a nice touch, as was the "it" correction
-"She smacker her forehead for emphasis." ---> smacked
-At the paragraph where Twilight is surprised by AppleJack staring at her, you might want to take the dialogue and seperate it from the paragraph so it is easier to see.
-Nice way to end the chapter

Overall I really liked reading this chapter. As I went over it again I took more note of the things I liked about it and found new things that I enjoyed. You are very good at this and I enjoy your work so far. I hope you consider these adjustments and continue to write your chapters.