Oh boy. Constructive criticism incoming. So you've done some things here that I think are good, and a couple things that I think are very poor. The good is most of the interplay, which works well, and I like the twist that Fluttershy being the homophobe provides from a dramatic perspective. The bad...that's a bit more complicated issue, so I'll break it into a couple sections:
1) Consequence: Perhaps I'm a bit biased from my first hand experience in medicine and specifically neck injuries (Broken necks are fun kids! [not really]), but this chapter seems to completely forget the very serious injury you've built up in the last couple chapters. Rainbow had her neck turned into a wolf's chew toy, nearly bled out, and spent time in a coma, however there are no consequences in this chapter. No difficulty speaking, no discomfort, not a thing I could see. She makes out with Twilight, then not much later "Dash jumped up in bed" without so much as a popped stitch or tweak of discomfort. Rage may be a hell of an anesthetic, but it's not morphine. And if it was morphine, (and I speak from experience) you are not jumping anywhere for a while unless you really like the idea of face-planting in the floor. It makes me wonder what the point of the injury was in the first place if there is no lasting impact. It doesn't make much sense and it kills the drama you were trying to build.
2) Loyal-wut?: Like I mentioned earlier, I really do like the idea of juxtaposing Fluttershy against Rainbow. Their character history alone makes it a juicy prospect, but I think the reactions here are a bit wrong. This is might just be my read on the character, but I don't see Dash (the element of Loyalty) ever telling a friend to "buck off". Loyalty doesn't quite work like that.
3) Swearing: Let me be clear on this, I love me some fucking swearing, as I suspect most people do, but just because we can doesn't mean we should. It just doesn't read right in this context.
So, thats my long winded crit of this chapter. I still like the story overall and I will watch to see how it goes, but I do think you have room to improve.
1166967 Okay 1) Yes I know it wasn't quite played the way you would expect. But consider the following. First off it has been, what did I say, a week from the incident to waking up. Secondly yes, while neck injuries are quite a lot to deal with, throat injuries while undeniably lethal, once stabilized time heals them well (I am speaking form the experience of having a dog try to remove my throat) And lastly chapter 6 will picking back up almost immediately following the time line of chapter 5 and there we will begin to see the cause/effect of the attack and her actions (it plays a significant roll)
2) Yes Dash is the element of Loyalty but conflicting loyalties, an old friend and new lover, provide even more conflict. Not to mention even in the series her loyalty is called into question.
And 3) I am at a loss to what swearing. Two bucks ? This mature for a reason. I'm hoping that if an attack doesn't foreshadow this going to a more adult them soon some mild langue will.
So, I hope I have addressed everything. And I really, really do appreciate feed back. Negative feedback is appreciated more than none at all (though positive and cookies are held in even higher esteem) so I do thank you for taking the time out to help me address these issues. Thanks !
Ah, Fluttershy is the conservative homosexual. Interesting. I have to agree with the complaint that Dash's injuries were treated flippantly in this chapter. Whether or not to change it is up to you of course. I don't think it's anywhere near a fatal blow to the story, but it did irk me as I read it. Also, just a quick spelling error:
Liked it but I can never really appreciate Pinkie breaking the 4th wall in such obvious ways. It makes me groan like I just heard a bad pun because it's basically just thrown in when the author doesn't know what to do with Pinkie or is trying to score with a cheap gimmick.
Other than that only other thing that bugged me was RD's high vocabulary. While I don't exactly think RD is a moron I just never expect her to use phrases like "quite maddening" or her sort of rant at Fluttershy. The second is a more weak example because anyone can show wisdom in moments of emotional issue, but that first one sort of jarred me out of the story a bit.
Everything else is superb and I loved all of it. Seriously. Looking forward to the next update.
1167168 I guess I should go into a little more depth than. When I write. I write one continuous segment, usually about 7 thousand words long. I than chop that in half and push the latter aside for the time being. So that segment isn't always done at the best possible point. I.e. as I said, not long after this final scene chronologically, Dash's injuries come into play. So rest assured it was not just being pushed aside. 1167170 Yeah I guess I kind of see than, but it was always my cannon that deep down RD was a closet case egg head. The over compensation for athleticism and putting down egg heads was a self defense form. 1168720 You're right. Weren't here. Shame. Shame. And uh oh. The guy who did work for me this time advised I take that part out ! Conflicting ideals, wonderful.
1168964 So you're saying you think Rainbow is secretly an egghead and is putting it down constantly to cover her own desires? I mean it would make sense and I can't help but admit that I would very much enjoy it, but her reaction to her reaction to liking reading in Read it and Weep leads me to believe maybe she wasn't a secret egghead. Doesn't really matter I like the idea anyways.
1173576 Possibly, she didn't have such an issue with being an egghead. The whole issue stemmed from her not wanting Twi to know she was an egghead. So perhaps it did catalyze a reaction where she realized she always sort of was one but didn't want to admit it to Twi for fear that she'd poke at her the way she did to Twi.
W00T!
Hope you all enjoy the chapter, it was a pleasure helping out with it.
Oh boy. Constructive criticism incoming. So you've done some things here that I think are good, and a couple things that I think are very poor. The good is most of the interplay, which works well, and I like the twist that Fluttershy being the homophobe provides from a dramatic perspective. The bad...that's a bit more complicated issue, so I'll break it into a couple sections:
1) Consequence: Perhaps I'm a bit biased from my first hand experience in medicine and specifically neck injuries (Broken necks are fun kids! [not really]), but this chapter seems to completely forget the very serious injury you've built up in the last couple chapters. Rainbow had her neck turned into a wolf's chew toy, nearly bled out, and spent time in a coma, however there are no consequences in this chapter. No difficulty speaking, no discomfort, not a thing I could see. She makes out with Twilight, then not much later "Dash jumped up in bed" without so much as a popped stitch or tweak of discomfort. Rage may be a hell of an anesthetic, but it's not morphine. And if it was morphine, (and I speak from experience) you are not jumping anywhere for a while unless you really like the idea of face-planting in the floor. It makes me wonder what the point of the injury was in the first place if there is no lasting impact. It doesn't make much sense and it kills the drama you were trying to build.
2) Loyal-wut?: Like I mentioned earlier, I really do like the idea of juxtaposing Fluttershy against Rainbow. Their character history alone makes it a juicy prospect, but I think the reactions here are a bit wrong. This is might just be my read on the character, but I don't see Dash (the element of Loyalty) ever telling a friend to "buck off". Loyalty doesn't quite work like that.
3) Swearing: Let me be clear on this, I love me some fucking swearing, as I suspect most people do, but just because we can doesn't mean we should. It just doesn't read right in this context.
So, thats my long winded crit of this chapter. I still like the story overall and I will watch to see how it goes, but I do think you have room to improve.
1166967
Okay 1) Yes I know it wasn't quite played the way you would expect. But consider the following. First off it has been, what did I say, a week from the incident to waking up. Secondly yes, while neck injuries are quite a lot to deal with, throat injuries while undeniably lethal, once stabilized time heals them well (I am speaking form the experience of having a dog try to remove my throat) And lastly chapter 6 will picking back up almost immediately following the time line of chapter 5 and there we will begin to see the cause/effect of the attack and her actions (it plays a significant roll)
2) Yes Dash is the element of Loyalty but conflicting loyalties, an old friend and new lover, provide even more conflict. Not to mention even in the series her loyalty is called into question.
And 3) I am at a loss to what swearing. Two bucks ? This mature for a reason. I'm hoping that if an attack doesn't foreshadow this going to a more adult them soon some mild langue will.
So, I hope I have addressed everything. And I really, really do appreciate feed back. Negative feedback is appreciated more than none at all (though positive and cookies are held in even higher esteem) so I do thank you for taking the time out to help me address these issues. Thanks !
Ah, Fluttershy is the conservative homosexual. Interesting. I have to agree with the complaint that Dash's injuries were treated flippantly in this chapter. Whether or not to change it is up to you of course. I don't think it's anywhere near a fatal blow to the story, but it did irk me as I read it. Also, just a quick spelling error:
I didn't want to loose you from my life entirely.
Should be "lose." Keep up the great work!
Liked it but I can never really appreciate Pinkie breaking the 4th wall in such obvious ways. It makes me groan like I just heard a bad pun because it's basically just thrown in when the author doesn't know what to do with Pinkie or is trying to score with a cheap gimmick.
Other than that only other thing that bugged me was RD's high vocabulary. While I don't exactly think RD is a moron I just never expect her to use phrases like "quite maddening" or her sort of rant at Fluttershy. The second is a more weak example because anyone can show wisdom in moments of emotional issue, but that first one sort of jarred me out of the story a bit.
Everything else is superb and I loved all of it. Seriously. Looking forward to the next update.
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I was out when you sent it to me, sorry.
I have to commend you on the Pinkie Pie parts, the elephant part made me giggle so much.
1167168 I guess I should go into a little more depth than. When I write. I write one continuous segment, usually about 7 thousand words long. I than chop that in half and push the latter aside for the time being. So that segment isn't always done at the best possible point. I.e. as I said, not long after this final scene chronologically, Dash's injuries come into play. So rest assured it was not just being pushed aside.
1167170 Yeah I guess I kind of see than, but it was always my cannon that deep down RD was a closet case egg head. The over compensation for athleticism and putting down egg heads was a self defense form.
1168720 You're right. Weren't here. Shame. Shame. And uh oh. The guy who did work for me this time advised I take that part out ! Conflicting ideals, wonderful.
1168964 Uh oh.
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Love it! I think Flutters is a lesbian, she was saying that it was wrong for Twi and Dash to be together because she wants Dash to HERSELF!
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1168964 So you're saying you think Rainbow is secretly an egghead and is putting it down constantly to cover her own desires? I mean it would make sense and I can't help but admit that I would very much enjoy it, but her reaction to her reaction to liking reading in Read it and Weep leads me to believe maybe she wasn't a secret egghead. Doesn't really matter I like the idea anyways.
1173570
Well maybe not always a closet case nerd, but Read it and Weep could have been a catalyst to making her realize she was ?
1173576 Possibly, she didn't have such an issue with being an egghead. The whole issue stemmed from her not wanting Twi to know she was an egghead. So perhaps it did catalyze a reaction where she realized she always sort of was one but didn't want to admit it to Twi for fear that she'd poke at her the way she did to Twi.
1173587
Yes. Lets go with that. Cause quite frankly I'm to tired now to rationalize my logic.