• Member Since 23rd Dec, 2011
  • offline last seen 5 hours ago

CommissarAJ


I left my witty one-liners in my other pants

T
Source

When the world tried to knock her down, Tempest Shadow just got back up and made herself stronger than ever before. Never again would she be left to the mercies of a cold and uncaring world. Her eyes had been opened to the truth of the world: that strength was all that mattered.

And then she met Twilight Sparkle...


Special thanks to SolidFire for his editing work.
Cover art by Jam-Kaz

Chapters (8)
Comments ( 39 )

That's some serious compassion there, Twilight. Hope it doesn't get you shanked.

Interesting way to interpret Tempest's disability in this universe. Given the cold, hypercompetitive nature of CPA, her slipping down a dark path rings more true than her pony counterpart's issues, so you've already got a leg up there. And if we're doing more than just a few movie counterparts, there's at least one guy she has to be tangled up with.

Anyway, curious to see where all you're going with this, so see you next week in a couple days, Commissar. :twilightsmile:


One correction:

“Hey, eye’s up,”

Superfluous apostrophe.

It's kind of weird that Twilight isn't worried about her geode getting stolen. Other than that, great start.

Who wants to get that tempest fights (and beats the crap out of) rainbow?

Sorry, bet not get. Again sorry; auto correct.

I must applaud you for being the first author I've seen that has incorporated Fizzlepop/Tempest into the EqG 'verse. I like what I've seen so far, and I really wan't to see where this goes.

Tempest sells drugs to the Storm King? That's probably got an interesting explanation.

Hm. Should Tempest actually know where to find Twilight like that?

There's the affable slimeball I expected. Tempest doesn't seem quite so much under his thumb here, but she also seems less driven and more prone to getting blindsided now that she's well and properly distracted by Twilight.

Can't wait to see how Twilight explains this to everyone else.

The man at the lead looked the most unsettling to her with a face framed by so much unkempt hair that Twilight wondered if she was actually looking at a person or a very intelligent orangutan.

“Well hello there, little lady,” the lead man greeted. There was a deceptively cheerful greasiness to his voice, as if West Side Story had been about used cars salesmen. “What’s a pretty thing like you doing in a dump like this?”

Oh hi, Storm King.

Her phone was suddenly enshrouded by a bright and sparkling violet aura.

“What the hell?” a startled Tempest yelped out. In her shock, her grip on the phone loosened, and in that instant, as if driven by its own will, it flew from her grasp and straight into Twilight’s awaiting hand.

“I win.”

“What the actual f—”

“Magic.”

Saw that one coming.

And that, Tempest, is how Twilight could've leveraged her goody two-shoes-iness against you in the alley. Hypothetically.

I prefer the idea of Twilight freezing up in fright than having some form of magical ethics that precludes self-defense. That seems less than well thought out. Still, you definitely have my interest. Looking forward to more.

Ooh, I get it. It's not just the missing arm, she still has some nerve damage that gives her the shakes occasionally. I wonder what the trigger is? My guess is stress, but what kind of life does she live that mugging someone doesn't cause enough stress for her to worry about accidentally stabbing someone with the knife at their throat?

You have me engrossed and curious as questions and answers arise in equal measure. Looking forward to more.

Tempest is proud and disillusioned, Twilight is easily manipulated, and Sunset's inexplicable financial independence rightfully strikes a nerve. That sushi stand is unreasonably profitable for being her only income.

Still, uh, that went... better than expected so far? The rest of the girls are gonna bounce off her like a superball though.

stray apostrophe:

on, club’s aren’t

Yeah, Rainbow Dash went over about how I thought she would. :twilightsheepish:

“But… these people are my friends…”

Well, one of them is, anyway.

King, though, definitely not a friend. I was worried about Twilight getting shivved at the start of this, but now I'm wondering if I wasn't concerned for the wrong character.

Things are gonna get a whole lot worse before they get better, aren't they?

So, she's not going to ask anything else about magic?

I laughed at j’accuse.

Mind reading, smoothing over difficult conversations in the blink of an eye.

But hey, plot twist! No idea where that's going.

Mind Taking! Accept no substitutes!

...

:fluttercry:

.
.

Correction:

After ringing some

wringing

“He broke!” As the words flew from her lips, they carried with them more hate and contempt than Twilight had ever heard from her before. “Not everybody becomes strong and brave after a tragedy; sometimes they become sniveling worms who lock themselves away and hide in their bottles!” Beneath all the hate, however, there was something else: something that bubbled in the swirling cauldron of emotions inside the teen. “I was a child with two broken legs and one hand: I needed him, and he abandoned me.”

Whoa. Didn't see that coming. I-

The tranquility of the silence was suddenly shattered by the loud, piercing crack of a gunshot that echoed from elsewhere in the house.

Her pen fell from her grasp as Fizzlepop turned in the direction of the noise, a slow, sinking sense of dread beginning to form on her face.

“...Dad?”

:pinkiegasp: ...oh my goodness.

I don't get the last little bit of dialogue.

8955705
Guessing it’s self portraits.

“I think I’m broken.”

Yeah sure, I didn't need my heart anyways.

MJP

“Get lost, you little twerp, before I throw you into a dumpster!”

somewhere Gilda is saying "hey that's my line."

Hell of a cliffhanger.

Man, you actually made me care about Grubber.

...

Oof. Not who I thought was gonna eat it in that exchange, but... oof.

I'm not gonna lie: I cried during this chapter. :fluttercry:

Beautiful ending. Well done.

Impressive fake out.

Beautiful ending. Made me cry for a few moments there. Also: SEQUEL! SEQUEL!!

Not bad. It ended a bit suddenly, but it's fairly satisfying.

Thank you for this story, and the ending that you chose.

I would have felt cheated if Twilight had just interfered with King through her magic. It would have lessened the impact that would have happened. Thank you for having Tempest break free.

A bit of a sudden ending, but at least it leaves with a feeling of hope.
So, is King dead? That wasn't entirely clear.

I think I may have found the theme song for this particular fic:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qr1-WpWOUk8

Or, this one:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vAYmEhwjiKg

Really they both fit this fic too good.

Great job my friend. I especially loved the final duel with king, you managed to make the pace of it match how quickly situations like that can go in real life. I wanted to see more about Grubber though, and what happened to King. Hopefully we can see more of this in the future, because this story is one of very few with Tempest in the EqG universe and we need more of that.

ATS

That is a vicious bait and switch. Would've been a hell of a tragic ending if it just stopped there, too.

Some rough patches in the pacing, but on the whole? Good story. Got me pawing through the other Tempest-based fics out there between chapters, and this is easily one of the best, especially with the added challenge of transplanting her to EQG handled so well. :twilightsmile:

MJP

For a second I thought capper was the one Tempst stole the hot dog from

8940148
same, I was like that at the beginning, right as tempest said 'if you can take the phone', I was like "you just fucked with the wrong idea, girl"

Login or register to comment