- Member Since 25th Jul, 2013
- offline last seen March 12th
NightsongWrites
I love the MLP fandom, and I love all of you! I'm so grateful to have all my followers as we go down a rabbit hole of romance, adventure, and world-building!
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Excellent first chapter, Nightsong, m'dear!
Looking forward to more!
But... I think you need to stop using these; / /; when you want to italisize something, hun.
(I know you explained why you use them a bit ago, but if you can, you might want to go back and correct any of those you've used for that with these: .)
Minus the spaces, of course.
Anyway, as I said, looking forward to more of this one!
Keep up the rad work, okay?
Great second chapter, and I can't wait for Chapter 3 to see what happens next!
Well done, and kerp up the rad work!
Jesus Christ. What a way to start a story.
8779872 Ain't it, though!
Well, this story was added to my group recently, which somewhat reminded me it was there. I read through the currently published two chapters. I'll say up front this is not my cup of tea. Regardless of what virtues the story has, I am not interested in reading more. I can already tell others will find it their cup of tea, however, so for them and you, have fun doing whatever it is you want to do with this story.
A couple of tips while I'm here though. First off, characters. You're dealing with a whole bunch of them in fairly rapid succession. Names are being dropped like flies at a bug zapper, and it all comes across less like a cast of characters serving a story purpose and more like namedropping just to qualify for being a fanfic. Not one single thing I read feels like any particular character. What I read was some generic thing from TV that had familiar names pasted onto it. While that could easily change in chapters to come, you didn't hook me with anything interesting for any character tagged on the story.
It doesn't help that three of the five characters tagged are "background pony" OCs with no real character to define them, so I'm not expecting much in the future either. Complicate that further by the fact that you're clearly exploring something tonally way off from canon, so at best only minuscule characterization will probably even be appropriate to the story.
To add to that, this also fails to feel like an Equestria Girls story. It instead feels like a generic human story, with pony names pasted onto it. Again, this could change in future chapters, but for now, the setting doesn't feel in-character either. I do wonder what standard this would have passed story approval process since simply tossing pony names onto people and places are not enough to qualify for the site.
Honestly, if you filed off the pony names and simply posted this somewhere as an original work of fiction, it would likely be fine wherever.
The other thing that stood out to me was "code red." At first, it felt like a fairly intuitive thing. Some little thing a group of close friends who had fought magical baddies several times together might have. Kind of like the "friendship emergency" call that Rainbow made at the start of Friendship Games. SciTwi was hurt, so gather up the friends to do the friend thing. Sounds sensible. Only, that doesn't happen. You let Vinyl and Octavia answer the summons, but then spend a few paragraphs with Sunset convincing Rainbow Dash to not come. Despite Sunset apparently using a "code red" to summon her.
The last thing I wanted to touch on was the mugging scene itself. While you spent a fair amount of creative effort tossing that together, it felt entirely wrong in a lot of ways. Why didn't SciTwi use her telekinesis powers to push the guys away? Why didn't she have any gizmos or gadgets around? She's smart, why does she go alone in a dangerous city like Manehatten without some kind of cool tazer thing? I mean, this is a gal who has, alongside her friends, faced down magical monstrous threats. A pair of muggers in a back alley shortcut seem boring by comparison, no matter how "tense" you describe the scene to be.
As for Sunset, you've more or less decided to just turn her into a generic brawler for the scene, after you turned SciTwi into a helpless victim. Why didn't she make use of her empathy powers to talk the dudes down? Oh, right, because violence is much easier to imagine and create.
I hope those to objections give you some insight into what it is that I find you're doing wrong. Again, you do you. You'll likely entertain some people with whatever this is you're writing. But it just strikes me as entirely missing the point of what it is to be fanfiction. Rather than label this as "slice of life" or "Equestria girls" I feel like it firmly belongs in "alternate uninverse" territory, or on a diferent literature site than Fimfic entirely.
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Thank you for the review! I can understand it not being your cup of tea- I certainly am not aiming to please everyone, that does not make for a fun story! I will admit, I have not watched the most recent Equestria Girls movie- the characterizations of the girls are coming from existing fandom (for the OCs), and my own headcanon for the Mains. Magic, while a part of their character, will not be used to an extreme amount, though we do have plans for its use later on. Thank you for the suggestion about the tag- I will talk it over with my team and we will most certainly take that under advisement. I do hope I can convince you to come back to the story as we put up a few more chapters and delve deeper into it. But again, thank you for taking the time to write this review, I appreciate it.