Mental Reflections

MSunset's Peeping Glass
Equestria Girls
Porn
Sunset is a responsible magic user. After confiscating a mysterious second mirror from Juniper Montage, there is surely no way she would give in to temptation to use that mirror for her own perverted ends. None. Not at all. Nope.
Sex
Non-con
Fetish
Fluttershy
Sunset Shimmer
Citrus Recluse · 7.4k words · 64 10 · 3.6k views

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Comments ( 13 )

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jidbrony

jidbrony #1 · Mar 13th, 2018 · · ·

I like the concept but it feels like this things needs a few re-writes and editing. Reading it tended to be a bit difficult.

Citrus Recluse

Citrus Recluse #2 · Mar 13th, 2018 · · ·

8792516

Oh dear.

Would some line breaks help with the difficulty? I wasn't sure whether to use them, as I've been trying to get better at weaving scene changes naturally in the actual words, but if would help ...

jidbrony

jidbrony #3 · Mar 13th, 2018 · 1 · ·

8792546

I mean that definitely would help to a certain degree. In fact it would help quite a bit. I'd also say it's a little to much talk not enough erotic description. Let the scenes build, let's go inside the minds of our character....Really get in with what's going and and let the mood flow. Try finding some good Clop Editors maybe especially those who are good with expansion (Not that kind) but in terms of details and prose.

Citrus Recluse

Citrus Recluse #4 · Mar 13th, 2018 · · ·

8792559
That's interesting... I didn't used to have this problem as much, but you are now the second person to say I'm not putting enough detail into the erotic parts. This makes me wonder if they're suffering because I have a new emphasis on writing faster.

jidbrony

jidbrony #5 · Mar 13th, 2018 · · ·

8792577

I'm gonna be honest....Most likely yes.

Believe me, when you rush something it's gonna make it worse in the long run. Believe me as a fast writer I look back at my old stuff and then I realized....oh wait...problem....Problem....Problem.

Writing is re-writing after all.

I'd suggest maybe looking for editors and friends to look over your stuff, make suggestions, help smooth out some of the rougher edges of your stories.

Citrus Recluse

Citrus Recluse #6 · Mar 13th, 2018 · · ·

8792581
Yup. Painful but true.

jidbrony

jidbrony #7 · Mar 13th, 2018 · · ·

8792585

Yep...I mean I like of your concepts for stories don't get me wrong you got some good ideas going (And I'm also a fan of Adagio and Sunset) just work on the prose and you'd have classics.

lazyreader19

lazyreader19 #8 · Mar 13th, 2018 · · ·

8792546
Line breaks would definitely help when doing big shifts, like from the first scene with sunset and jumping to the next morning. Big time or focus shifts and the like. Too much, like every time Juniper and her targets switch POVs during one single scenario might be too often and annoying. Definitely a balance.

Another suggestion to is italicizing thoughts, rather than formatting them like

"This is a thought", she thought to herself

That way you don't need to call out or distinguish each though with words, and it's more apparent to readers since it is a commonly used style choice.

Just my two cents on formatting. Definitely not an expert by any means.

That all said, love the story. Though that's a bit of a given isn't it :P

Still can't get over the Starlight snippet