Hyperious
Joined 11th Nov, 2017 ·
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Before I even start reading I would like to tell you it's kind of off putting seeing that none of the chapters' names have a single capital letter and all are below a thousand words. It doesn't look promising.
Edit: After reading I'd say it wasn't as bad as I expected but you definitely combine the chapters to make fewer but longer chapters.
8544102
I gave it a read, and while the first few chapters are written pretty well, the last couple of chapters could have used a little more polishing. Personally, I would have kept this as one big chapter, or maybe two tops.
To the author: Definitely not bad for your first story! When I saw that picture yesterday, I figured someone was going to write a story about it, and lo and behold, here it is! I thought it was pretty funny.
I am looking forward to more, and longer chapters! This is cute!
If you want to become a better writer, I suggest studying fimfiction's writing guide! It goes really in depth, and it can really help you write better, too! Here's the link: https://www.fimfiction.net/writing-guide
Adorable and fast-paced. It's like a comic that just keeps rolling along in as playful way as it can with each section you post.
I really like the banter between Sunburst and Flurry. It makes the whole scenario quite silly over being just a perceivable fetish work. Plot and playfulness can certainly make a big difference when reading a padded pony story.
cool and good
wow awsome story
This was a good read I liked it a lot, hope to see more of your stuff.
Ooooh, story completed? I wanted to know which fun were they going to have in the morning... hahaha awesome story though!
Not bad but there is room for improvement. One thing you should add is how Flurry is thinking about the situation. Not just about her diaper but the tour in general and what they are talking about.
Not bad but there is room for improvement. One thing you should add is how Flurry is thinking about the situation. Not just about her diaper but the tour in general and what they are talking about.
What kind of diapers did she wear then?
The writing isn't bad, it's even often decent, but things feel rushed, along with your punctuation and capitalization being all over the place. Tonally, I've always found it difficult to maintain a sense of disbelief in a story that falls back on typical swear words when a little imagination (or even appropriation from the show) would suffice and be more fitting. Doubly so when something like a laptop is brought up, considering that beyond some lazy scenes (an arcade outside, lolwut?) in the show, Equestria is largely demonstrated to, at best, be in a steam-magitech age. It feels lazy and uninspired, even dismissive when compared to the relatively consistent first and second seasons of the show.
-_-
I am quite interested to see where this'll go
huh interesting
well Flurry heart, sure seems to like the nursery