I'm the reason when you search Quibble you'll find Scootaloo too. PM me if you want to talk about anything one on one. Well I finally set up a patreon...Hazaa???
Many parts of Equestria have been settled by the ponies. Some areas however have been deemed far too dangerous. One such area to the West is proving to be particularly problematic, in that no matter how many recon teams are sent there, none return. Feed up with this, Commander Hurricane, sends Corporal Pansy and Recruit Flash Magnus to find out what in the hay is going on. A cute little story with a strange twist.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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A cute story!
8593820
Merci beaucoup
8593821
You're welcome!
With many errors and inconsistencies with several things it made it a little difficult to enjoy the story, an outside eye would have been beneficial. It wasn't a bad read and it was rather cute, and fun; however, the mistakes really did take away. Inconsistencies included things like changing the capitalization of races (main thing and the one that I could remember). Errors were much greater: using the wrong race subject-verb (singular form or plural form), the wrong homophone, and paragraph spacing.
The twist came without warning, and without much state of being; it came out of nowhere without any tension built up. If you had only taken a little bit more time and let things play out a little more (or a lot) then it would have been much better. As it stands, it was wild and unexpected; hardly worthy of being a twist -- more likely being an obscure plot shift. Confusing. That's the word. Anyway, spend more time on it, maybe have someone look it over and give you proper feedback.
The characters were fun, at least by what I could tell; and the calls to the Greek mythos was spectacular! Sadly, the rapid change the twist brought on left it way too confusing to tell something as simple as: what was happening and who was talking. You want to be a little more consistent and not just jump right into the change. I did enjoy the other parts of the characters quite well! The adventure even felt... natural, for the most part. Soldiers trying to find their lost comrades, that is something that seems to be natural.
Finally, I hope you have a good one, and good luck. Also, I noticed a few errors in the long description (fixes/changes will be in yellow):
8668573
???
was strange, non?
The twist was my playing Samalama Dingdong. And I warned you the
Also Merci for the edit.
8670318
I apologize, typed that a little too quickly and it seems I left out a few keys because of it; hence the edit on the comment to amend that error.