• Member Since 11th Sep, 2016
  • online

Bronycommander


A German who likes history, Children and WW2 technology but not war

Sequels2

T
Source

North Africa 1942. The combined armies of Germany and Italy hold the line in the harsh merciless deserts against the relentless advance of the British Imperial troops. For two Axis soldiers, every day is becoming more and more like the one before.
Until they stumble across three strange children, one human and two foals, trapped and frightened on the forbidding warfront and searching for any way to keep themselves safe and return home.

Cover art is made by the very talented Purple Patch and I like to thank Nightmare Darkness for proofreading. I also like thank to HumanSVD, for allowing me to use is 2 OC. If you want to read his two stories where they appear, go here and here
Meanwhile, fearing for the children and their families, Princess Luna sends one of her chosen knights to seek out the missing innocents and return them to Equestria. The knight hurries to their aid, unaware that a fearsome hunter from his past is watching, waiting to strike.

Chapters (19)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 134 )

Erwin Rommel id my favorite General

8335498
He was a magnificent bastard indeed. As for you.

Purple Patch, you magnificent bastard, I read your STORIES!

Comment posted by Tank Commander deleted Jul 31st, 2017

8335516
Unlike other generals in the German army, he didn't shoot P.O.Ws and protected his family from death

Comment posted by Tank Commander deleted Jul 31st, 2017

8335556
May he rest in peace(Meant to spell it right)

Before I read this, what is the Gore and Dark tag for ?
And how bad does it get ?

8336999
Very Bad and There isn't a Horror Tag

You're going to need to link my story Family of the Blanks and Battle of the Blanks. People aren't going to understand you're using my two OCs. It helps them understand who they are. If you also need to know how they were created from a Pony mare and Human Male, PM me.

8338233
Sure Thing. I Hope you like the Friend i gave them

“Well… Let’s...Find...Out...” They screamed as said knifes headed for their eyes.

Somethin' Spooky Goin' On!

Morning Willy, how’s the head gear?”

You should probably introduce this guy first. He just seemed to pop up.

The last thing he saw was the rifle’s butt before everything went black for him too.

Soldiers these days! What happened to 'hello' and 'how are you?'
I know it's war but that's no excuse to be rude.

8343174
Yes, I used your dream idea. I se what I can change for Willi and the intruder, he needed to be quiet, he coudn't risk that his cover gets blown, can you blame him for that?

You certainly love your Crossovers, don't you?

Don't worry, so do I.

8343248
I do love it. It's actually the only kind of stories i can write.

Okay, good overall a bit of a few things.

1. How they got there.

I see you went with the sneeze option. Personally, it would have been better if they had found a portal. For example, Kajta trying to find things liker her mom Ruby but found something she shouldn't have. Thus, Blau Strifen and her would be transported. As for Dinky, would have been better for a a science experiment with Doctor Hooves gone wrong. That really would have been much better. Also, unless one of the soldiers was enrolled in theoretical physics, it's a bit ridiculous for him to just piece it all together. But hey, no need to get upset over.

2. Soldiers reactions.

Most of the soldiers reactions have been mellow upon discovering the children. If I was a soldier in a war and I found two ponies and girl with strange colored hair, I would be shocked as hell at the sight. Konrad and Matteo should be worried and shocked with incredulity. Also, the rest of the soldiers at camp would surround them with interest and a officer in charge of either country demanding to know what is going on or at least taking great interest in them.

I would have recommended an officer assign them to security detail of the two until the conclusion of the theater campaign they were participation with reporting to higher command. This would have got the kids some extra care or food or something because it would be a major scientific discovery of the century, aside from space exploration and the atomic weapons age.

2. The gun descriptions.

I did this when I first made Battle of the Blanks. Many people do not care for the descriptions of the guns, and I've learned that sometimes just saying the names of the guns is enough as people will often look up the guns themselves. Also, the Carcano is described as powerful then weak following on. The Carcano's biggest flaw was the fact the ammunition wasn't updated with a newer projectile as the wounds would be needle sized and wouldn't destabilize when hitting it's target. Otherwise the Carcano was very accurate and easy to use plus an extra round to use too. Italy tried to update the gun with the 7,35mm I believe but picked the worst time to do it. This was similar to Japan with it's own 6,5mm

Fun fact Italy made Carcanos for the Japanese Navy chambered in 6,5 Japanese using Arisaka styled sights and stock called the Type 1. They are decent guns, but weird design. If Italy chose this rifle in their own 6,5 but with an updated Spitzer round (like the 7,92) it probably would have been a much better weapon. Mediocrity is sadly a trend in the Italian Army when honestly a lot of potential is wasted.

Also surprised you didn't have him mention that Blau Strifen's dad had some, which would explain why he's not alien to the concept of guns.

8344143
It's okay, I take any help I can get to improve. How they got here and the reactions of the soldiers was the best I could think of. Willi had theoretical physics in school, thast's why he came up with that so fast. The guns, old habit from me, thought I could stretch out the chapter that way and I totallagree with the Carcano. I informed myself about everything before writing it. About their father's weapons, I hadn't thought of that but I see what I can do.

Not really had a chance, they are just kids.

8344568
Yes, do you like the colors for their gear?

Will this story contain Operation torch?

8347006
No, I had planned that is is set in 1942 entirly. But the sequel I have planned would be set in Italy 1943

but the voice was identical to Upton


Leave this out until later. Don't give it away just yet.
Take care on saying 'My condolences'. People only really say that when they're trying to be really formal. Most of the time, 'sorry' will do.
Also, try leaving out the fact that the Green Knight's a unicorn. Just say he's some sort of animal, walking on four legs. Most of the time, he's far away and dressed in a cloak so no-one would really get a good glimpse.
Other than that, looking good so far.

8487854
Okay, I take care of that. Any scene you liked in particular?

8487861
Well, I quite liked how you did the sandstorm. Good to pace it out. Really try to capture their emotions.
Remember to always put yourself in their shoes...or horseshoes, I suppose. :twilightblush:
So you write more than just what happened but also how it felt which is the most important part.

Pretty good story so far. Interesting to say the
Least.

Though, that kids shouldn't be familiar with tanks that much, they seem to grasp the concept and history of tanks too quick. I understand what you went into the explanation scene of the kids talking about them, but it distracts from the believability of them being afraid of the tanks.

8495263
Glad to hear it. About the tanks, that's an old Habit i can't get rid Off. Any Scene in particular you liked?

Looks pretty good.
Try paragraphing a bit more, helps to make the change of the tone more fluid.
I loved the cameo. :pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy:

8533352
Glad to hear it. Originally, i had something more in mind for the Cameo

8533360
Don't worry, save that for another chapter.

Looks good but you need to separate the paragraphs between scenes.
Otherwise there's no sign of changing tone and the whole thing seems a bit inconsistent.
Really think about what mood each scene has and separate the paragraphs as it changes.
That's the key.

8548599
Okay, I keep that in mind. Any scene you like very much?

8548657
I do quite like the sniping scene. You might want to give the SS Commander a scene, arguing with Rommel maybe. It helps establish him as a legitimate threat.

8548668
Don't worry, I have something like that in mind for later.

The part where it's narrated that the drawing in Blau Streifen's room look weird. We know they were made by him because it's Ruby looking at them. It was different when the soul of Mitta from the Story of The Blanks verse saw them for the first time. Ruby from this version knows her son made them. Also, you should between Derpy narration and Ruby narration specify that they are different universes, or else it confuses the readers since there's two Ruby's.

Pretty good. There a reason he cannot bring weapons back? Something about preventing manufacturing of them because of balance of power?? Also, how are the ponies aware of the human world?

8556848
Thank you. As far as Purple Patch told me, the Eternal Knights have a rule wich says they can't keep any foreign weapons, as told here. About humans, yes, they are are of them. My story Freedoms call is the story where Fletcher first lands on Earth, appearing first in Chapter 10

These three strange children are the Cutie Mark Crusaders, correct?

8627077
No, they are a Background character and 2 OCs. Is There a reason why you ask such Things?

It looks good overall, I like how you've done William.
Just one key thing. Gorrister's betrayal needs to be dragged out a bit.
You can't bring up a plot-point and then resolve it in the same paragraph. Otherwise its rendered meaningless.
I'd have Dinky wait until after the attack, then work out he's the spy.

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!