• Member Since 11th Sep, 2016
  • offline last seen 9 minutes ago

Bronycommander


A German who likes history, Children and WW2 technology but not war

T

March 1946. With Germany close to victory and the allied forces close to defeat, a young German soldier finds a lost ghost filly. Can he help her and protect her from harm?

Chapters (12)
Comments ( 42 )

If this is based in the game Wolfenstein, then this story should have the Crossover tag.

I like it! Little choppy with so few complex sentences, but otherwise its clean and interesting. I hope so see many more good works from you sir! :moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::trollestia:

7844945 Thank you, I forgot to add that Ruby is from the game Story of the blanks:twilightsheepish::facehoof:

Hi. Sorry about the lateness. I’ll start on this one.
A few important points but it’s good overall and I’ll read into it.

Helmut Neumann was on his post at Castle Wolfenstein. He was a fresh recruit. Inexperienced and young. He was just 18 years old. He still lived with his mother in Wulfburg. His father died in a terrible accident.

Bit more is needed here to fully get us invested in the character.

Just when they arrived, they saw Rudi Jäger with his dog, two men and a Super soldier. “Herr Jäger, is everything alright?” Bernd asked.

You need to describe these guys. It doesn’t have to be extensive, just enough to give the audience an image of what’s going on.

“P-please don’t hurt me. I beg you.”

In general, I wouldn’t have them say this unless they’re actually being threatened. It comes off as really meek. I get that she’s scared but she wouldn’t see everything as a threat. I’d have her just say “Excuse me? Can...can someone help me? I’m lost...And I need my mum”

We are humans.

I’d have her ask this first. One wouldn’t go around saying it unless it wasn’t obvious.

This lightning conductor has the function to keep him from being shocked by the Baltic Eye's electrical cannon.

Well...that’s reassuring. :unsuresweetie:

8216318
Its okay, no Need to apologize. This was my Third Story Back then and i was still not very experienced. Jäger, I wrote it like this back then, for the ones who know the Game. And ruby's reaction, you know what happened to her in Story of the blanks, given that, i coudn't Imagine a different reaction, that she fears they would hurt her like her friends did long ago

8216429
I realise. Still, it wouldn’t take her long to realise these aren’t the same creatures and that would, at least, make her a little more hopeful.

8216443
Right. The Lighting condictor, i'm Not Really Sure myself if that Works, as the 1946 Soldiers are always Seen in Areas where the Eye shouldn't be able to hit them. As as you could Read on the Wiki that it is Never Seen in the old Blood, I came up that it is Standard equipment

8216450
Fair enough.
I suppose, considering it supposed to protect you from getting your head electrocuted, one can’t be faulted from taking precautions.

they were zombies!”

Probably best not to say this unless they’re actually described as such in the story. Zombies is a bit too specific (Ironically because it’s so mainstream) and kind of kills the sense of mystery. Just have her say what she saw.
’They were dead...except...they weren’t. They were skinless, fleshless, skeletal and charred, but they were still walking, still...searching. For the mark. Something...something terrible happened to them for what they’d done...And no matter what, they just kept on hunting.

“Yes. Eh, a… 'pretzel‘.” Ruby was nervous. Rudi laughed. The soldiers laughed too and so did Ruby for no reason.

Don’t quite get it. :duck:

8216485
Okay. The Brezel, Ruby thought that wulfburg is famous for that, that's Why she said it

8217049
In case you overlooked the link to the scene on the note, here it is

Better you hear this from me.
‘Meet The B.J’ sounds a little bit like an innuendo. :trixieshiftleft::trixieshiftright: Might want to work on that.

“This was a Super Soldier. Created by General Strasse himself. After the human subjects are going through a chemical therapy, their bodies are surgically enhanced with steel and cybernetics and encased in bullet-proof armor. To purify the human subject's killer instinct, its brain is degenerated into a more primitive state, making them erratic and extremely violent. This variant has no internal batteries and needs either a wired connection that provides them with energy or a power source on his back. I don’t know how they can be controlled.

So no-one ever looked at this and thought ‘Yep, this’ll never backfire!’ Innovative Thinking right here! :facehoof:

“So, I was laying in bed next to this girl and…”
"Lying.”
“What?”
“You were lying in bed. Not laying.”
“Laying, Lying. What’s the difference?”
"You lay eggs. You lie in bed. I assume you’re not a bird, are you?”

I guess that’s what’s called a Grammar Nazi! :trollestia:
Reminds me of this scene. :pinkiehappy:

Ruby giggled, “This reminds me of my father. He died shortly after I was born, but my mother always told me how he corrected others.”

I’m not sure children would talk like this. ‘He died shortly after I was born’ sounds way to like a summary. I don’t think they’d talk this way about themselves, they’d find it difficult to talk about a dead parent.
More like ’This reminds me of my father...I didn’t really know him all too well...But my mother always told me he was always correcting what other ponies said. It got on her nerves a lot’

“My father also died when I was young. I’m sure my mother would like to meet you.”

:unsuresweetie: I don’t think ‘Father died early’ counts as something people can have in common.
“Your dad died? What a coincidence, so did mine!”

Suddenly the ground began to collapse, sending Ruby with a scream into the lower catacombs. “Ruby!” Helmut looked down worried. ”Is there another way down?”

You need to build this up a bit more to give it weight. The ground giving way and a character falling through it needs more than one sentence to do it justice.

Ruby drowned as she had never learned to swim. But she felt how someone dragged her out of the water.
“Are you alright?” a bare-chested man asked her.
“I’m fine. Who are you?”
"William J. Blazkowicz, US military.”

Fall down a hole and meet a big, burly, bare-chested American...
Seems legit.

Ruby was almost hit by a bullet.

Too quick, particularly when it’s after dialogue. Build it up a bit more.

She heard B.J. mumbling, “Don’t worry, Wesley. I will get you out of here, and then we will meet Kessler in the tavern.”
“So that's your friends name.”
“Yes. And Kessler is our contact in the village.”

Probably wouldn’t say that to a stranger. Even if they don’t come much stranger than a talking pony.

B.J putted the scope on his rifle.

Put.

Then another shot almost hit Ruby.

Again, don’t put this next to dialogue and build it up. Describe the sudden noise, the flash of metal shooting past and hitting the wall and, most importantly, how the characters react. It doesn’t have to be excessive but you can’t imagine the scene without these important details.

Before the Marksman could fire another shot, he was killed by B.J.

How? Where did he shoot him? Death scenes and near-death scenes are important to describe in detail otherwise it won’t register to the audience.

Again he fired at the power source. After this was done, he destroyed the heart of the Super Soldier. Ruby saw steam came out of the Soldier. He exploded. She had to throw up after she saw the remainings of the Super Soldier.

What power source? Define ‘done’. How did he explode, how did he react in his final moments? What did the remains look like that caused Ruby to throw up? Use these questions as points to build the scene. That’s what’s most important.

“Feels like Jäger has been torturing that Englishman for hours in the theatre now, he still hasn’t talked.”
“I know. Never seen anything like that. Everyone crumbles to Jäger.”

Nothing Breaks An Englishman! :ajsmug:
“Doesn’t matter what you do to me. I’ll only give you my name, rank and a few verses of Dear Old Mum, Me Only Chum
Oh I just remembered why the fire would be important. :fluttershbad:

8219961
Okay. The super soldier, that's the description you can See Ingame, makes me Really Wonder how they can be controlled. The grammar is also heard ingame, that's Why the Link, and Conversation is also heard Ingame. Compared to the 1943 Version in rtcw, this Version is a technical setback, isn't it? Now, i can't help but Imagine the Grammar Conversation between fletcher and Wolf for some reason

8220702
Well, considering she was raised in the Cervine language, she could be forgiven.

8220984
Yeah, for Ruby i had the idea that she has a Foreign Accent due Sunny Town being in the everfree Forest

8221006
What sort of equivalent would that be then, would you say?

8221008
Never thought about it.

Hey, wanna hear a bad pun?: Helmut has a "Hard Head"

Want ANOTHER bad joke?: Whenever Burnd makes a good point, he's all like "OOOOH YOU JUST GOT BURNED REAL GUD!"

8229022
like "helmet", like i sed "bad joke"

Good so far but a few things.

Jäger grabbed a box with a button in it.

Describe Jager before mentioning him by name. I know she's seen him before but it helps build it up.

“I-I only know that the contact is a man named Kessler. I don’t know this full name. Please I have been tortured and suffered before. Please don’t hurt me.”

Don't have her break immediately. I know she's scared but if she folds this quickly, she won't be sympathetic.
She at least needs to weigh it out, remembering how B.J spoke of Kessler and how she doesn't want to sell out a friend.
To quote Friends
Phoebe: You would not hold up well under torture.
Monica: Oh, and you would?
Phoebe: I did!

Ruby cried herself to sleep.

The scene needs more time between her rescue and her settling down to sleep. It kills the pacing if it just cuts to it.

Now, I need to find a way, how I explain this to my mother.

"It followed me home, can I keep it? She doesn't eat much":scootangel:

8236162 Okay I see what I can do. The reason why I made this, given her past, I don't think she would want to experience any kind of suffering or torture anymore, it remembers her of her painful death too much. Plus I didn't want her to experience electrocution, she sufferen enough already.

Second, ingame once B.J reaches the tavern, the Germans instantly found him and attack but it is never explained how they could find him so fast, so I thought that Ruby giving Jäger the infomation would close that gap.

I'm sorry, but this needs to be addressed.

“I’m Ruby. Nice to meet you.”
“This may sound silly, but do you want to eat something? I made some cookies.”

She is a talking pony. Does no-one find that rather odd?

“Thanks. I hadn’t eaten in a long time.”

She doesn't need to say that if it's already been mentioned in the sentence before.

“It may sound silly, but even as a ghost, I need sometimes sleep.”

And she's a ghost. A talking pony ghost. How would you react?
Sorry to harp on about that but it's important to keep the foal's presence in the story relevant. If no-one really addresses the fact that she's very likely not from their world, it becomes a bit hard to take seriously.
The rest of it's good though.

Thank you. Back then, I thought about it but couldn't get up with anything.

“She died a few years after I was born. She gave me the nickname Ruby.”

I think she'd be a little more secluded about saying this. Remember, she's talking about how her mother died, no-one would be very comfortable talking about it.

Helmut was surprised to see Obersturmbannführer von Schabbs.

Describe her before naming her, always. We need to picture the scene.
When they talked about her taste for wine, I thought it was gout that cost her one of her legs.
I'd say Sunny Town's local accent would be something rural. Something to highlight their unchanged society, outward friendliness with a lingering air of mystery.

8236173
I realise that. Still, having her struggle to overcome that fear in the face of her friends experiencing the same makes her more impressive.

Asd i said, i was unexperiemced ast the time but I will get to it when i can. How do you imagine to discribe the accent?

8236191
Agreed. Need to think about it how he could bring her to give him the infomation without pressing the button. I want that doesn't suffer from it but still tells him what he wants to know

8236195
I wouldn't say the accent itself needs describing. Leave it up to the audience.

What if the assault on deathshead's compound is a success and the allies managed to turn the tide of the war once again

It's their last chance, their last chance to take down the nazis. Not to mention you had had no choice but to either kill Fergus or Wyatt :fluttershysad::raritycry:

8608008
Yeah but as we both know, it would eventually fail.

This story is also crossover with Story of The Blanks because of Ruby.

8627262
Indeed, i thought she deserved a Second chance

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