- Member Since 28th Jun, 2012
- offline last seen Nov 28th, 2020
Revenant Wings
"The world is a looking-glass, and gives back to every man the reflection of his own face." - William Makepeace Thackeray, Vanity Fair. Admin of LGBT, somewhat obsessed with Crash Bandicoot.
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I've always been a fan of ocean fanfics whether it's pirates or just an adventure story. My favorite stories of coarse are about leviathans and I can see that we got something similar here
Before I read this, what is the Gore and Dark tag for ?
And how bad does it get ?
8298618
Expect, at least once a chapter for now, someone getting bit akin to a great white shark attack. It won't happen to major characters until later.
Not trusting this marine biologist character...
Along the seas, searching for an answer
harken to the call of waves;
an you will play with these forces,
let it take you along this ride.
Harken to the call of adventure,
'til the next divide,
that you meet again on this Earth.
So far this is a very interesting story and I like how you go about developing the relation between Mist and Siren Song going with a more surreptitious way with it and not make it sound too overt like other stories does. I can't wait to see more of this story and how you're going develop the mind control aspect of the siren song. Keep up the good work.
I wonder. This character is extremely suspicious, but then, it might turn out he was a good guy, all along. He's almost definitely the noble, though.
8305869
This was an interesting chapter, I think the underwater diving. I think that is would have been better to understand what Mist feels about Siren if their had been more of a comparison with his previous relations, if their was any and would have helped to give more of a back story to his past love life. Still it was a good chapter, I will be looking forward to see more soon of this again.
8306413
What's your chapter scedule?
8308400
I seem to be writing and releasing these at a fairly even schedule of once every 2 to 4 days.
Shipwrecks make me wet.
Was lured there by your story promotion and I have to say, I surely don't regret it. This was an intriguing chapter with the mystery it proposes, the characters act naturally and the grammar is solid. (I doubt a little the capitalization of captain's title, but oh well.) Gave me a few laughs here and there as well.
To be honest, I'm not sure why are you censoring swear words - those are tough marine ponies, it suits them. Also, the story is already rated mature, so a few words won't really do any damage.
Also, why was captain's name took out? That was a little confusing.
Furthermore, the implied identity of Siren Song becomes clear quite soon - I'm not sure for how long you wanted to keep that mystery going, but a part of it disappears half way through the chapter or so.
Anyway, you were asking what might be the cause of the story's low views. I can think of two things:
First, look at the story tags. Adventure, romance, horror, thriller, dark... Quite a mess. The last three are more or less conveying the same. Also, will be romance all that important here? Ask that yourself with each of the tags and try to narrow them down. Readers then get a cleaner picture of what they can expect.
Second, it's an all-OC story. Once the readers open the longer description, they get a "lecture" about Misty and the gang, characters they have never heard of before. After spotting this on the front page, howare the chances they'll read this and not some "more canon" story?
I think finding way out of this is hard. You could try and build more of the mystery in the description, without mentioning any names. I also see Twilight in the tags, so maybe you can mention her role in all this.
That's all I wanted to say.
Thank you for this chapter, I'm hoping to read the rest soon!
8321262
I'll try to address some of the major concerns I see here, and you are free to comment further criticisms from there.
First off, thank you so much for the feedback!
Initially, I wasn't sure if this would be Teen, at which point the swear words were muted. I'm less cavalier about it later knowing it's hit Mature, but at this first chapter, until I decided to place it on Mature for the more graphic Gore scenes later, I ended up censoring them. I'll go back and edit them in soon.
I honestly couldn't think of one, and ended up keeping it in as a nice sort of blank in Mist's memory. Obviously probably not the best choice, though, but I still have trouble coming up with a name; another one later is simply referred to as "Captain" because I cannot think of a name for him, either.
To be honest, part of me is vaguely aware the identity portion may be solved soon by the perceptive reader, though I'm trying to keep it still a "mystery" because of Mist's perspective; spoilers ahead: it'll be clear later, but his head's not exactly in the right place for the majority of the story, and part of it has been done intentionally by the antagonists. Though the other part is motivation, and that takes a bit longer to change (though again, a perceptive reader may spot it quicker than I think).
The main problem I have right now is Twilight's role, while constant for chapters 3 through (the upcoming) 6, is limited to start but comes back later on at a crucial moment. The way it's going right now, approximately 50% of the story won't contain Twilight at all, while the other 25% of the time she plays a major role (think something like a Doctor Who Doctor-lite episode). She's key, but expanding her description and involvement takes away some of the later plot.
8321262
I took a little time to replace the censored swear words and modify the long description. Feedback on the new description would be much appreciated.
8321289
You're welcome
That one bit of a spoiler is really interesting.
Usually when I can't come up with a name, I start with something ordinary, a boat for example and go down the association chain until I settle on some word.
I see then about Twilight.
8321305
Seems good to me
I'd probably cut it after "manned by a single unknown pony" for I don't like all that long descriptions, but that just a matter of taste.
Interesting chapter, not much happening, the talk with the environment was interesting, I wonder if the Siren Song the seaponies was sent to convince ponies to stop poluting their food source, but I don't think he is in any real way that conscientious of a pony to also look out for ponies well being too and that his kindness toward Mist and his behavior with the other is nothing more then an act. Looking forward to the next chapter.
8322088
Your train has left the station
But hasn't hit the destination.
This was interesting chapter, first a sight of sirens with description inducing shivers running down the spine, and then the dark action sequence, nice!
Didn't expect the sort of defiant and "selfish" behavior from Mist there at the boat, but I'll leave that for later judgement, watching his character develop.
I'm sure the expedition will go all but smotthly and safely...
Report both for this and the previous chapter. I really enjoyed those chapters examining the frigate and the reef, as well as meeting new characters (You do really well on writing Twilight, that I can judge at least from the bits we have seen of her).
I can't say I'd be too fond about where the relationship between Mist and Siren is heading, but I'm not much into romance in general. Anyway, as long as any story has adventure and mysteries to offer, I'll keep reading it
Furthermore, I really liked that ballad part. A possible foreshadowing, maybe?
Addendum1: I think you should check the number of Mist's friends that were saved along him in the previous chapter
Addendum2: The mechanism of "fish' lungs" you describe in this chapter is in fact a diffusion model present in some water insects and turtles. Fish gills function more based on countercurrent exchange. Sometimes my biologist profession is rubbing off of me
8324858
Switched "lungs" for "gills". As for the ballad, it may come in handy later. Or I just like writing poetry and sometimes incorporate it into stories. Who knows.
8325974
Heh, what I meant mostly is that gills don't work that way anyway, but nevermind. A normal person won't notice
Simply another mystery to solve ^^
8325974
When are you hoping to release the next chapter?