• Member Since 28th Jun, 2012
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Revenant Wings


"The world is a looking-glass, and gives back to every man the reflection of his own face." - William Makepeace Thackeray, Vanity Fair. Admin of LGBT, somewhat obsessed with Crash Bandicoot.


T

Twilight's dreams have been very odd lately. She's found herself wandering Canterlot Castle in the dead of night, unsure of why she's there or what could have brought her there. But all she knows is that each night the dream progresses even further, and each time she uncovers something more about the mysterious and hidden things inside of the castle. But the dreams leave her with more questions than answers.

What do these dreams mean? Why is there always the feeling of someone watching her? And what do they want with Twilight?


Started pre-Alicornization, continuing pre-Alicornization.
[Comments and critiques are greatly appreciated. :yay:]

Chapters (9)
Comments ( 30 )

Interesting. Up vote for the nice title. I'll come back and evaluate it when I'm not nodding off!

Spacecowboy
Story Approver

Whhy, do I spy a TwiLuna in the making? Gonna have to give this a read!

2711316
TwiLuna is best shipping.

Hrm. Not sure if I like this Apollo character...

Even if it is Luna in disguise!

Well, I'm entertained so far.

The story has a really solid atmosphere. If you were concerned about that, you shouldn't be; it's spot on for creepy. The pacing in the story is really good too. There's not too much time spent on suspense or too little. Also, the balance between dream scenes and awake scenes is at the correct level so that neither of them have the chance to get boring.

Chapter one had some stuff in it that impressed me [minor spoilers]. The part where Twilight goes into Luna's room had all the tension set up for a jump scene, but then we got a creepy thing instead with disturbing implications that aren't immediately obvious. Too many horror stories blow their load right at the start and then have nothing left, so this was really cool. Also it took me by surprise.

The romance stuff is interesting too. Not much development in that area for me to comment on, but it looks like it's coming together. It's cute, I'll give you that.

I do have a few gripes with this though. After chapter three the horror dies off quite a lot. Imagery alone doesn't cut it. There isn't really anything to be scared of after that point, and it changes the whole mood. Also, Luna's behavior is confusing me. She seems too calm and collected for the situation. I'm not sure what sort of twist you're planning, but I can't think how this will fit into the story once the romance starts.

Anyways, its certainly a good story, whatever the main point of it is supposed to me. Would recommend.

2804739
Listening to a playthrough of Amnesia: The Dark Descent has been an efficient and effective muse, then; chapters 1-3 were written with that playing in the background. Perhaps I could get myself more into the mood by continuing to have that play while writing the next chapters.

Congratulations, this story has good enough grammar to be included in the Good Grammar Directory, a comprehensive list of grammatically-correct stories on Fimfiction. :eeyup:

I'd change this if I were you, though:

The unicorn scanned her violet eyes around the area she found himself in.

Also, remember to include a comma before a coordinating conjunction linking two independent clauses, such as here.

. A bright light shone at the end of it add a comma here and she tentatively stepped forwards towards the light.

You do it one or two other times as well, but I won't post them all. You get the idea.

2808659
Must have been in a rush to get that first one out. :twilightsheepish:

Awesome story :rainbowdetermined2: I wish it wasn't cancelled :fluttercry::ajsleepy:

4435061
Wish no more; I hope to have a chapter out by the end of the week.

5803086 yayyyy:yay: :yay: :yay: I shall diligently wait till that chapter.

5803086
Good to know! It's well-written and suitably mysterious, and I'm eager for more.

The story would have a larger audience and more attention if we knew for sure what the ship was. If it's TwiLuna, you have a huge audience built-in. If it's Twilight x OC alicorn stallion Apollo, that's another direction entirely.

Of course, here's hoping that Luna has a thing for Twilight, for which there are plenty of hints in early chapters, and that she's using Apollo as a disguise to "test the waters" and gauge Twilight's reactions before actually confessing on her own. Crossing my fingers for that one, or something similar!

Wooo unexpected but welcome update!!

5815160
It's TwiLuna with a twist. I'm expecting to reveal this by anywhere from chapter 9 to 11 at the pace I'm going.

Well that last part was interesting,

Oh, Celestia, his voice is heavenly

I'm hoping this is a disguised TwiLuna story now :ajsmug::twilightblush:

Hmmm, this is getting very interesting:rainbowderp:. Maybe Apollo is like a separate entity thet originates from Luna and has gone a bit overboard in his teachings with Twi:rainbowhuh:? That's my theory at least:twilightblush:, we shall have to wait till the next chapter to know more.:yay:

I so love this can not wait for more

Author's Note:
I've been watching too many Amnesia: The Dark Descent videos lately.

Ah, I thought the chapter title sounded suspiciously familiar. Sorry for my tardiness on this :twilightsheepish:, but here's some feedback:

In terms of atmosphere, you did pretty well with portraying the nightmare, although I feel it could be enhanced by some more abstract or surreal elements to reinforce the fact that Twilight is not only in the middle of this nightmare, but is being outright terrified by it. For example, imagine if the cloak she was hiding under had suddenly turned into a bunch of bats that flew away from her and revealed her presence, or the locked doors would unlock and creak open whenever she left it and attempted to open the other, then it shuts again.

I can't speak of Twilight's characterization yet since I'm not far enough into the story, but this little bit of her in the dream world didn't seem to have anything amiss.

When it comes to Rarity's dialogue, I recommend using the word "darling" in her speech as sparingly as possible. I know she says it a lot in the show, but the Rarities in some fanfics seem to use the word in practically every other sentence they utter. And while she does have quite a cultured way of speaking, it should always be remembered that she isn't an aristocrat, and comes from a "commoner" background, so an infrequent departure from her usual eloquence in the right contexts would not be out of character for her.

As for Fluttershy, the key to achieving as much authenticity as possible with her dialogue and mannerisms, is giving her just the right amount of timidness in a given situation. It's quite easy for one to make her overly timid and fearful in on situation, and have her just a tad bit too outgoing in others.

I find that one of the best ways to help ensure that a character's dialogue is up to par with their canon portrayals is picturing the scene in the mind, and mentally reciting the dialogue in that particular character's voice. Then, ask the question, "Would they really say that? Or would they say something else, instead?"

Ok, now i am confused I thought Apollo was Luna, but if Apollo is a very old stallion then does that mean he isn't Luna or that Luna is admitting that even thought she seems to be about Twi's age shes a thousand + years old and she cant date? hmmm :rainbowhuh::rainbowderp:


P.S.

I don't like the title of this chapter.

I actually do like the tittle :derpytongue2::ajsmug:.

So, my assumptions so far are thus:
a) Apollo is an artificial construct of mind or magic; (Knowledge passes too fast between him and Luna for him to be real)
b) his first purpose is to teach Twilight dream magic;
c) his second purpose is to help Twilight realize that she's been falling in love with Luna; (Five years!)
d) Twilight is so inexperienced when it comes to love that she assumed she fell for Apollo.

Comment posted by Eclipse Guardian deleted Jan 11th, 2016

Hope you get back to this. Really good TwiLuna story.

I feel that Twilight will be very mad at Luna and Celestia when she finds out.
If Luna had done the training herself, Twilight could have slowly figured out that she was in love with Luna.

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