Today marked a great day of excitement for Equestria. Rainbow Dash, the Element of Loyalty, was getting married to Soarin at Castle Friendship. Ponies from all over the nation had arrived in Ponyville to celebrate. But one pony chooses to ignore the event. Stirred Cider, Ponyville’s local bartender, decided to skip the festivities and instead uses her free time to relax. But a pair of siblings interrupt her leisure, forcing Cider into a quarrel between a heart broken stallion and a mare who wants her brother to change.
Special thanks to Verbose Mode and MagisterEx72 for editing this story.
Chapters (1)
This isn't a bad story, but it is flawed. For me, it's biggest draw is how wooden the prose sounds. There is nothing inherently wrong with the plot of this story or how it was handled, but the writing itself could use some polish.
For example, this paragraph:
On its own, it's not bad, but it lacks emotion or energy. It feels very "there-it-is," in a sense. The paragraph doesn't delight in its existence, nor does it really draw someone in. I could argue that it's because it's short, but that would assume that short paragraphs are bad, when shorter paragraphs that are just one sentence have been written before and have effectively locked in the reader.
There are also several moments where your tense slips up. Assuming you want to write this in the past tense, I've seen that you've dipped in and out of that and the present. There are instances as well where you dip into the hypothetical future tense, such as here:
The "will" contradicts the "was" in the first sentence.
However, you could easily make this work if you made it more of a list that somepony was reading out loud, or, stylistically, a list that the narrator (in this case, an unspoken one) would read to the reader. It's a bit contrived, so let me attempt to explain by way of example:
So you see, the flow of a future event is displayed at the story's present narration. The sentences bounce around but do not emerge chaotic, and they keep the reader on their toes and sound golden.
Do, not does.
Semi-colon after the first comma, since you have two clauses. And I'd get rid of the "in some way," since the contradiction referral is already stated in the "in fact."
I don't think this paragraph is particularly relevant to the story, especially since you already explained a reason why Cider isn't a big social pony. Therefore, I recommend you remove it.
Paragraphs like these make my head spin. They aren't bad, but there's something off about it. If I had to guess, it's because it feels wooden and bland. It's not just due to sentence structure; it might have to deal with the fact that it feels like repetitive details and unnecessary ones. Why doe we need to know that it "wasn't surprising at all"?
Your topic sentence in this paragraph is: "The townsponies (should be one word, since its human equivalent is "townspeople") had celebrated early by giving Rainbow Dash gifts in advance." The things that follow this should be relevant to the details provided, which, in this case, are the details one would associate with gifts. This mentioning of "parties", "local hero," and "Cider even congratulated Rainbow" aren't entirely relevant to the passage; thus, I believe they should be at most, removed, and at least, amended.
I know I'm making it sound like essay writing, but all writing is an argument, and if you look at the way paragraphs work, you'll see they all have some form of a topic opening and supporting details. Relevancy is key in this regard.
Cider isn't a bad OC, either, but the way you've written her is contradictory throughout the passage. Here's one line from her:
Here's another later on:
"Yer?" Previously she was saying "your." What gives with the sudden inclusion of an accent? More importantly, it's an accent that never shows up in the rest of the story.
There's not much advice I can give to really improve your prose, other than saying you have to practice. But by that, I don't mean practice writing. I mean practice writing and reading, preferably the latter first. Stephen King said it best: if you want to get good at writing, you have to read a lot and write a lot. So far, your prose is about as lively as a corpse, and there could be a multitude of reasons for that. What it comes down to is figuring out your inner voice, how it reflects what you've read, and how it may form in your writing.
Anyway, that's about all I really wanted to bring to light. Don't be discouraged. Writing is hard, but in the end, it's pretty worthwhile.
8279817
Thank you, I needed this criticism. I made this story because I wanted to experiment with OC's. I'm even thinking about making a mini-series for Stirred Cider. I'll take your criticism to heart. Thank you for reading.
Should I change edit the story again? It seems that I can fix the things you've mentioned. But perhaps it would be best to leave it.
I liked this story! It didn't go all out with extreme with emotions or motives, and instead it stayed grounded where it needed to be. The only thing I can really say is that there are a few points where the grammar needs to be checked, but that's just nitpicking. Although of course for longer stories grammar needs a little more attention so the reader doesn't get hung up on them.
Aside from that, this was nice to read. Stirred Cider certainly works as a character, although I don't think I saw enough of her to figure how well she'd be in a primary role. However, I'd say she'd make a perfectly solid side character or even a secondary character! I wouldn't doubt that she could make for a decent protagonist either given that she had another chance.
Good luck with your writing!
-Zeke
8280475
Thank you. I'm trying my best to improve my writing. This story is only an experiment on original characters. From the looks of it, I did an ok job. Not good enough though.
I am thinking about making a mini-series on Stirred Cider. But not right now. Anyway, thanks for reading.
8279983
If you want to fix it for the sake of fixing it, go ahead. Your work will certainly look cleaner. But if you want to leave it as is, that's fine, too.
I just made some edits to the story. I hope it made it a bit more readable. Next time, I won't have my next story be so prose.
About creating an OC:
A pony who enjoys socialization but can get tired of it when it's to much. Sounds like people I know, not bad.
Frustration connotes anger, while curiosity connotes interest. But juxtaposed, it reveals the character is some pony who, despite being laid back in her social life, must understand those around her. It's a drive that inspires many engineers to take apart computers and scientists to science. Yes, science is a verb because I say so.
Eavesdropper! Filfy, filfy eavedropper!
All in all, there isn't much to say about your original character other than that it seems like an average bystander in the big even of other main characters. I know you've had plenty of others provide support in the comments precluding mine, but I will say this: dry, "there-it-is" passages don't have to be bad.
In writing people expect to be engaged, that is true, but you can use plain descriptions to your advantage, especially depending on the type of POV you use. If you write wooden and bland in first person, that tells something about the character, or the thing that he/she is talking about. If in third person limited, it can have a similar effect, or it could reveal something about the nature of the narrator.
Dry writing in third person omniscient, the POV you're using, can be especially effective, if it is timed properly with a certain moment in the plot or character development. It begs the question "Why does the narrator speak differently in this moment?"
More importantly, it shows a point where the author makes a change to place more focus or emphasis on a certain point. Keep in mind, this should not be used often. Perhaps once every few chapters in novellas and novels, or just once in one-off short stories. Either way, you don't have to fit into the mold of always being captivating or dynamic with your texts. Less does not equal more. But more does not always have a stronger effect.
Simple and enjoyable. Well done.