Saw a lot of FanFics on EQD, so I decided to make an account for reading them. Got my exams in a few days though, so I probably won't do much for a few days. Can anyone actually see this?
To you, second place is empowering, but to her, it has never been anything other than insulting. She's not one of the more well known ponies in the world, and her name has been discarded solely because she has never managed to completely shine and convince ponies of her feat before.
Constructive criticism is appreciated.
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I re-wrote this three times and though it is much better than the original, I'm still not completely pleased with it. I get the feeling however that no matter how much more time I put into it, I can't make it any better so I will settle for this.
Whilst proof-reading, I realised that some might find it a bit odd, so I am here to tell you that most of the oddness serves a purpose.
Lastly, if you see any mistakes, please tell me and I will fix them.
*Can't forget the constructive criticisms, they are always welcome!
AH HA! It was Octavia!
913631 yes!
913633
Hey, I liked the story! I always enjoy back story and a bit of character working. It seems like she could be this kind of person.
At your behest I'm proof reading through the story. There might be more errors before this, but this is the first one that caught my eye.
"It seemed somewhat reasonable to me at the time, but back then I could also *rationalise trying to fly down the stairs despite my lack of wings, and it was only revealed to me the day before **I that my mother has an irrational fear of balloons -- one that cost me an element of my fourth birthday which would have made it that much more memorable. "
*rationalize
** I might just be reading it wrong, I do that sometimes, but what is the I here for?
913709
"Rationalise" is an alternate spelling of "rationalize". They're both correct.
This story in some ways brings to mind the relentless credentialism of contemporary human society: you can't possibly be any good unless you have a diploma from here and/or a certificate from there. It doesn't surprise me to see it existing in Equestria. And it's a jolt to see Octavia, from an upper-crust family, leading an existence not much more rewarding than Pinkie Pie's childhood on the rock farm.
There is one phase shift in the story that detracts slightly from its effectiveness: at the beginning she's lamenting the futility of it all, but at the end, which presumably brings us full circle, she's almost triumphant. To me, this indicates a need for a second chapter.
914162 Maybe it's my fault or bad technique, but when I wrote it, I felt as if she was the one telling me the story, and when it starts she is upset like you said. However, as the story progresses, she thinks about everything and in the spur of the moment becomes overjoyed by some of the simpler things that she missed earlier.
I don''t know but that's what I thought. If there are three people that don't like it then I'll consider changing it. Sorry about that.
914173
Oh, it still rates a like, at least from me. That construction just put me off slightly. Don't rewrite anything on my account.
914180 Like I said, if more people bring it up then I'll change it. Thanks for the like, I realise now that the structure and shift of the story was a bit strange in a somewhat similar way to Octavia realising her life wasn't that bad and at least it is presently fulfilling.
Also, you're the reader and to me, your account is the one that matters the most. Unless you're a troll.
very good reading, much enjoyed.
914198 Thank you very much! I'm glad to hear you enjoyed it!
913969>>913969
It is. My bad, I forgot that Ickhart and I aren't from the same country. That's why I decided not to bring anything else up after that post. Though I should have edited that original post. Thanks for pointing it out.
(not being sarcastic, just to make sure you know)
Ok, I've read the story and I think it's quite good. That's all i have to say really, good job!
It's an interesting piece. Flawed in places, but still gets a like and a fav from me. Might want to take another look through for missing commas, but otherwise errors are minimal. Best advice I can give on this is read your story aloud as it appears on the page, and if you pause, you probably need a comma. If you're unsure, read the sentence again without pausing.
Story is great, albeit not quite perfect, but the flaws present result from the perspective of the storyteller telling us what they consider important. At times they tell the reader too many details, forcing the reader to forgo imagination, and other times the narrator skips over details the reader would be more curious about.
There is some wonderul exposition in here, and the element of social disorder is handled beautifully. The reader understands that the narrator has a honest problem, although it's not clearly stated what their dysfunction is. At times is seems it could be one of many, ranging from just an antisocial complex, to outright autism.
What shows the best is how the present feelings the narrator holds for the supporting cast is reflected throughout her storytelling. For much of the story, she has good reason to look at her mother with disdain, but that is never depicted, a reflection on how they end up at the conclusion.
Great work. There was a lot of effort put into this.
There are a couple unimportant words missing here and there. That was the bad for me in it. Now the good. I have never come across a fic, nor professionaly made book, that made me feel the way this story did. Normally I can't help but smile through half of the story, but this made me feel more, I couldn't bring myself to smile until the end. No matter what I say, it will never be enough to say how I feel about this fic, so I will end this with three words.
Beautiful, simply beautiful.
6144273
My sincerest apologies for the missing words! I must have missed them out when proof-reading... oops
However, I am glad you liked the story! Thank you very much