- Member Since 1st Jan, 2017
- offline last seen Sep 10th, 2022
Halo456
I am a newcomer to this site and my first story's on a public site hope you like what I write
Halo456
Joined 1st Jan, 2017 ·
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I may mess up sometimes for the title of the chapter's new to fimfiction
The title is not capitalized and the description is a run-on sentence, that doesn't bode well for the rest of the story.
* As I sat at my observation desk, I looked over at my butler as he told me that my next mission could be my last.
* "Sir, we know nothing about this new world. Every time we send a drone through the portal, it's destroyed. We have no idea where you'd end up landing, if you managed to land at all, that is."
* I continued to stare at my butler as I listed off the potential actions I could take in my head. I could listen to the advice of a man who has been faithful to me for countless years, or I could dive head-first into a world of unknown. I decided two go with option two, as bad decisions made for better stories.
* "Butler, calm down. How many times have I traveled to another world?"
* If we count this journey, it would be approximately one hundred and twenty-thousand trips, though each time you visit a new world, you only stay in the for roughly two days, which does not give our teams enough time to gather adequate information.
I'd keep going, but revising every single sentence would be absolutely draining, you see where I'm going with this regardless.
My story my not be the greatest one out there but I am trying my best I thank you for pointing out my flaws of my story. But not everyone on fimfic is looking for the best formatted story. They are looking for a story that has a good storyline. And also this is the first story that I am writing on a public cite. So yes it may not be great but I am doing the best I can. So you could help me with formatting my story. Or you could not that is your choice. So yes I am not focused on formatting the story. But I am focused on the storyline.
8225579
There are several factors that encompass the making of a good story, and plot is just one factor to consider when it comes down to actually writing said story.
The problem I have is that your prose is lacking, and it takes away from what I could potentially gain whilst reading your story. If you don't improve the story's structure, then the plotline becomes null and void.
8226149
Click on the arrow next to my comment to reply to me properly so that I can receive a notification when you respond.
And yes, the closer your conversation is to real life, the more people will relate to the story. Avoid using dialogue attribution adverbs, add action in dialogue, replace exposition with narrative or internal thought.
I won't delve into the philosophy of story-building, but that's the start of it I think.
8226170
Thanks for the help I will start chapter seven now
8226170
Finished chapter Seven if you want to read it and give your opinion on it
8226610
You need an editor to iron out all the mistakes before you publish your chapters. As for the story itself, well, it's not exactly my forte anyway, so I don't see myself giving an unbiased opinion on it.
As JackRipper said, the FIRST thing you need to do is fix yours story's description. You're not going to get either more interest or more feedback until you make the description into something that attracts people's attention instead of chasing them away.
8252634
True and I will do that in time trust me on this so anything else you want point out to no other pros or con's and if you could point those out I will thank you for that
I'm not sure the rating of this story is fit for teen anymore, since you went on about decapitation and evisceration.
8273177
I mentioned this to him for you just now. This might actually give him more freedom in scenes like this in the future. Overall though this story is quite interesting.
Before I read this, what is the Gore, Horror and Dark tag for ?
And how bad does it get ?
p.s. Is it jest the passing of time, and the fact that ponies die from old age
Why was this cancelled?
8347563
One the main character was just so OP and two I thought that I could write this story without seeing it as work but I did see it as work and my laziness took hold of me just like my other stories going on right now
The story is good just rushed a bit and you need to tell us what he makes or does instead of us guessing sometimes
Dropped