Twilight Gets Pantsed
Twilight Gets Pantsed
Admiral Biscuit
Every now and then, Twilight liked to go through the mirror portal and meet her friends. It was a good chance to get in touch with them, even though it was weird when she met up with her mirror-world self.
It was also her only opportunity to bond with Sunset: the former unicorn refused to return to Equestria, despite Twilight's assurances that Princess Celestia had forgiven her and wouldn’t banish her to the moon for a thousand years.
Besides just seeing friends, she could justify it as satisfying her intellectual curiosity. There was a lot about life through the portal that she still wanted to learn, and it was nice to have the opportunity when there wasn't a major crisis at hoof.
At hand, she reminded herself. On the other side of the mirror portal, they'd humanized familiar Equestrian expressions, which always struck her as strange.
She'd finally agreed to meet with Rarity to go clothes shopping.
How is that going to work anyways? she wondered. Is it like the market, but instead of farmers there are tailors and fashionistas selling their wares? Or is it an enclosed store like Barnyard Bargains?
Rarity promised after shopping she'd treat Twilight and anypony—anyperson—else who wanted to join them to a snack at Doughnut Joe's, and that was another thing to look forward to.
Plus, it'll be an experiment for the future: will I keep new clothes when I step through the portal into Equestria, or if not, will I be wearing them when I come through next time?
“Earth to Twilight.”
“Huh?” A blush crept across her cheeks. “Sorry, Rarity, I was just lost in thought for a moment there.”
“I guess so,” Rarity said. “You were tugging at the hem of your skirt.”
“I was?”
“Mm-hmm. That eager to try on new clothes?”
“I was just thinking . . . what's going to happen to my clothes when I go back to Equestria?”
“You were wearing them when you went through the portal.”
“Yes, I know.” I wonder what would happen to them if I took them off first? In some ways, clothes were the human replacement for fur. “And I don't have them when I arrive in Equestria.”
“You're naked when you arrive in Equestria? Isn't that—“
“I'm sure I already told you that we don't normally wear clothes in Equestria.”
Rarity frowned. “I think that you might have, yes. But I tried to block that from my mind, darling. It's just so gauche.”
“I'll try to remember not to bring it up again.” Twilight fell silent for a moment. “Where are we going, anyways?”
“The Dress Barn.” Rarity rolled her eyes at Twilight's snicker. “I assure you, it's a proper fashion store. Perhaps not the pinnacle of fashion, but quite stylish and affordable.”
“I wasn't doubting your choice.”
“And to be perfectly frank, I'm not sure that you're ready for something higher-end.”
“Maybe next time?”
Rarity nodded.
“If—I assume that I'll be allowed to wear any new clothes that I choose.”
“That is the idea of a clothing store.”
“Right, sorry. Could you keep my old clothes, and let me know what happens to them when I go through the portal?”
“You think that they might disappear?”
“It's possible.” Twilight admitted. “The thaumic interface of the portal is weird, and it keeps changing as magic leaks through. I've got nearly all the large effects worked out, but there are a lot of little variables that I don't quite understand, like where Sunset got her saddlebags when she stole my crown. I don't get a new pair of saddlebags whenever I go through.”
•••
Dress Barn wasn't an actual barn. In fact, it looked much like any of the other shops around it.
Twilight's eyes bulged as she took in the place. There was nothing but clothing and fashion accessories as far as she could see. Even with her untrained eye, things appeared to run the gamut from functional to fashionable and everything in between.
“How do you even begin?” It was like a library for clothes.
“Pick out what you like.”
“I don't know what I like,” Twilight admitted. “I mean, I know what I like to wear to a gala or a party or a wedding, but I'll be honest, it's kind of weird wearing clothes all the time—sorry—and a gala dress isn't exactly comfortable to wear around Ponyville.”
“Well, then, we'll both go looking together,” Rarity said brightly.
“I like this shirt.”
“Mmm, no. That's not your size, and the color clashes with your skin.”
“You know my size? How?”
“Fashionista secret.”
“My counterpart.”
“Yes.” Rarity smiled. “That does make it easy.”
Their first circuit of the store was simply reconnaissance. Rarity kept up a running commentary of why things were sorted the way that they were, and also how to identify the difference between overpriced clothes and a bargain, and Twilight soaked it all up as best she could. Not just for herself; she was sure that pony-Rarity would love to discuss it over tea.
The second time around, Twilight started tentatively picking out clothes, watching Rarity for cues to see if she was making a good choice or not. It was harder to read human expressions—there were no ears or tail to watch—but she was getting better at it.
Or so she thought.
“No, that skirt won't do at all.”
“Why not?” It was similar in color to the last one she'd picked, although a different, silkier fabric.
“It's too big.”
“It's the same size as the last one.” Twilight pointed to the tag.
“Some manufacturers lie about the size,” Rarity said. “Trust me. You want the next size down. Or else you'll just be walking down the sidewalk and they'll start slipping down your hips and the mirror portal obviously gave you a bra and pardon me for asking—“ her voice dropped to a whisper— “it also gave you panties, I hope?”
“Yes. Just plain ones, not like those fancy lace and elastic E-strings that—“
“G strings.”
“Yes, those.”
“I just wanted to make sure before you embarrassed yourself in the changing room.”
Twilight frowned. “Embarrass myself? How? Besides that I really don't understand human fashion. I should have taken notes.”
“You . . . never mind. We'll have a discussion of modesty some other time perhaps.” She sighed. “I just thought that since Sunset frequently goes without, maybe it was a pony thing.”
“Well, I don't wear underwear in Equestria,” Twilight admitted.
“I gathered that from the frequent mentions of being naked,” Rarity said dryly. “Well, it looks like the cart's plenty full. Time to go to the changing rooms!”
“There's no way that I could ever wear this many clothes in a hundred visits.”
“Of course not! You fill the cart, and then try everything on and keep the one or two outfits that most appeal to you, that's the idea.”
“One or two? But we could have—“ She clamped her mouth shut. “I trust you, Rarity. If this is how it's done, this is how we'll do it.”
And she did.
•••
An hour later, they emerged from the changing rooms. Twilight had settled on a pair of jeans and a simple black top to wear for today, and she had also—at Rarity's insistence—purchased a summer dress with a belt that was 'just the right amount of slutty.'
(She hadn't gotten the matched polar fleece pajamas, which was a shame, because they were really comfortable. Rarity insisted that you couldn't wear pajamas out in public, which was a dumb rule. It wasn’t because they didn’t cover enough, or they covered too much, it was just because they were pajamas and somehow different from pants and other shirts with buttons.)
The pants she’d picked were loose on her hips, because according to Rarity she had less butt than anyone except Rainbow, but all the other ones she'd tried on had been too clingy and confining. “If I have to wear clothes, I'd rather be comfortable in them.”
Rarity hadn't pushed the point further.
Twilight's old clothes were securely tucked into Rarity's backpack, and if they didn't disappear, would be available for her next time she came through the mirror portal.
The two of them were deep in conversation when Pinkie Pie accosted them from an alleyway. “Hey!”
“Gah! I wish you wouldn't do that.”
“Sorry. How did clothes shopping go? Are you ready to have doughnuts yet? Because I am, and I saw you had Dress Barn bags so I thought that you were probably done and were going to be looking for us or maybe texting us but I hadn't gotten any text messages yet so maybe you forgot.”
She took a deep breath, and Rarity held up her hand before Pinkie could speak again. “Yes, we're done shopping. I was going to text everyone when we got to the store, I promise.”
Pinkie nodded, then turned to Twilight. “How was it? Your very first clothes shopping trip?”
“It was . . . interesting. Rarity told me that foals—children—often play dress-up.”
“Yuppers!”
“I think I know what that's like, now.”
“Because you never did it as a pony.”
“No, because we don't normally wear clothes.”
“Right.” Pinkie's eyes shifted for a moment, before locking back on to Twilight's. “So you've never been pantsed.”
“Pantsed?” Twilight looked down in confusion. “I'm wearing pants right now, so—“
She had just a moment to feel fingers at the waistband of her jeans, and then they slipped down her legs with practically no resistance.
Rarity looked up from her cell phone just in time to see Twilight's new pants drop around her ankles and let out a shriek of horror that was piercing enough to cover both Pinkie and Rainbow's maniacal laughter.
For her part, Twilight just stood there on the sidewalk in confusion, making no motion to pull her pants back up.
•••
After apologies—mostly to Rarity—the four girls resumed the journey to Doughnut Joe's. Rarity was sulking, and Twilight was puzzling over what had just happened in her mind. Finally, she spoke.
“Is it funny because you hobbled me?”
“Huh?”
“So I can't gallop—run—after you without first pulling my pants back up?”
Rarity's voice was dripping venom. “It's not funny, it's mean, because everybody got a look at your panties.”
“So?”
“So that's just not done.” Rarity crossed her arms. “Really, you girls should grow up. It wasn't funny in middle school, and it isn't funny now.”
“I'm not upset,” Twilight said. “And you don't have to be upset for me. I'm not some filly—child—who's still suckling at her—“
“Woah, TMI.” Rainbow covered her ears.
“But we . . . never mind.” Twilight sighed. “I just don't understand fashion.”
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I love all of the cultural disconnects at work, though it's hard for me to imagine any instance of Rarity saying "just the right amount of slutty." Also, it's a shame we'll never know the results of the experiment, though given how Twilight went home in her prom dress in the first movie, it seems like the answer will be "whatever you're wearing is lost to the swirling madness between worlds." No word on what happens to the default outfit though...
What? I'm with Twilight on this one. Science is the most interesting thing you can do with clothes.
Huh. I would have expected a slightly mean prank like that from Dash. Not Pinkie.
Well I think Rarity needs to dress her friends up in something very embarrassing over this.
If I were explaining pajamas to Twilight, I'd just say that pajamas are less durable and thus more likely to tear or rip if worn outside the home.
9057899
Cultural disconnects is why I write HiE and PoE.
Also, pony-Rarity literally has bondage gear on display at her boutique. Like, that’s canon.
derpicdn.net/img/view/2013/10/22/454478__safe_screencap_rainbow+dash_rarity_twilight+sparkle_swarm+of+the+century_bedroom+eyes_bridle_carousel+boutique_clothes_costume_dress+form_dress.jpg
Seriously, why else would they have bridles?
I like Skywriter’s headcanon that it makes new clothes each time. There was another fic, though, that had Sunset pissed that the Portal had stolen her favorite yoga pants, IIRC. Can’t remember what that one was called.
I’m not sure that I can debate that, especially since the meaning changes depending on how I parse it.
9057944
Although if Pinkie knows that pony-Twilight won’t care, it’s a less mean prank.
Also, I think in the last story I wrote where Pinkie pranked Twilight, she chopped Twilight’s head off.
9057991
She probably will. Although that does beg the question, if the prankee isn’t embarrassed or upset over the prank--just confused--does it really count as being a mean prank?
9058094
That’s a reasonable explanation, although I’m not entirely sure if it’s true in all cases.
It's a simple rule of contextual association, and Twilight should appreciate it for its robustness and simplicity. Clothes that belong to the bedroom should only be worn in the bedroom. An argument can be made for the rest of your dwelling, though that's often skirting lazy and/or rude (and, in the case of sexual items, rather risque). It's as simple as that.
Perhaps it's time for that talk about modesty mentioned earlier... ;]
Hey, as far as I'm concerned, it's a stupid rule too! :D
And no, I'm not just saying that because I'd love to see chicks naked (in fact, I assume it'd get old fairly quickly - nudity leaves nothing to the imagination, I'm afraid).
... besides, I don't think watching grannies walking around in the buff would work wonders for my boners, either...
... aaaand I'm not sure how I might explain myself if I ever got one for a 14yo or something. That'd be just awkward.
9797126
The difficulty to a pony/habitual nudist is what differentiates pajama pants from jogging pants, for example?
Yeah, that’s gonna be a difficult thing for a pony to understand, IMHO.
It really doesn’t.
It’s generally considered poor etiquette, but then that would be something that ponies would understand, since they’d surely have social rules for that kind of thing.
9800616
Again, the idea behind it is simple - contextual association. She doesn't need to understand where it came from, she just needs to understand what it stands for today. Even if she doesn't really grok the idea behind wearing clothes at all, as long as she puts that to rest as "something you just do" (full explanation pending!), it really shouldn't be all that hard to understand what types of clothes go with what types of situations/environments - some of these are quite sharply defined, after all. Everything else can be dealt with fuzzy logic and overlapping sets.
Come on! This is something Twilight would be good at. You just have to find a way to explain it to her in a way that she'll have something to associate the knowledge to in her head - a preexisting nodule of information she can hang this off of.
And, for once, math doesn't seem like a bad idea here. Besides, explaining clothes to Twilight using math sounds hilarious. Tell me it doesn't. ;D
One more point - imperfect understanding + culture clash tends to lead to some... fairly funny, if mildly embarrassing, situations. The "working understanding" Twi would have would, by its very nature, be full of holes - she'd probably be going off of checklists when deciding what to wear based on social, economical and personal preferences... she'd be attaching "meta tags" to different outfits based on their quality, percentage of skin revealed... the works. Though I'd still expect her to get better about it, over time... ;-)
Besides, she's not mute, right? Definitely not blind, either. She can openly (maybe even too openly? heheh) comment on other people's clothing choices... It doesn't have to be touching her specifically to make for good entertainment. ;]
Also, as far as I'm aware (not being one myself), habitual nudists understand perfectly well what clothes are, why they exist, and when to use them. If they didn't, you'd think they'd have issues going to their bank, or the city hall... you know. ;] It's ponies that this might be an issue for, because they wear clothes for very much different reasons. But you have something to work with, here!
Exactly why it's a good thing to write about! :D It's non-trivial, and I'm sure it'd spark some small controversy. People eat that shit up, me included. I'm sure there'd be stuff you'd say that I wouldn't, and stuff I'd say that you won't mention. It's a riot! ;D
9800793
I personally have a hard idea imagining that this is a subject which would pique pony Twilight’s interest. I could see it being something that Rarity would eat up, and maybe Pinkie Pie as well (possibly even Fluttershy), but I just don’t see it being a subject that would interest Twilight. I mean, if it were all that ponies got to know about EqG humans, yeah, she’d absorb it like a sponge, but given the other potentially interesting topics, I don’t see this one being of particular interest. But that’s just me, and you certainly do make some strong arguments.
I honestly can’t disagree with that.
One I remember in A Twilight Landing by Merlos the Mad (sadly, unfinished) was that while Twilight had learned that clothes were required outside the house, she never quite got the hang of needing to wear them inside the house, much to her roommate’s chagrin (as I recall, she would if she was planning to leave her room, but if her roommate knocked, she’d just open the door without putting anything on first).
Somebody on Discord also recently mentioned the idea that since ponies often leave their hindquarters uncovered when they wear clothes, a pony might figure that just a shirt is plenty of coverage for at least causal situations, which could also be reinforced unintentionally by conversation: “It’s a casual affair; a t-shirt will be fine.”
That’s true, although once again I think Twilight would be less likely than other ponies to comment on fashion choices or to make any particular effort to understand them.
Well, sure, in a human society with human rules most people--even habitual nudists--understand the social and legal requirements of putting on clothes before going out in public. I suspect, with no actual evidence, that a real dyed-in-the-wool nudist is going to have less fashion sense than your average person, figuring that if it covers the naughty bits it’s good enough for casual occasions. Also, since you mention the bank and city hall, while we haven’t seen a banker in canon to my knowledge, it appears that the mayor typically goes nude. Certainly their princess does, and they often meet her also nude.
Honestly, that’s something I’ve worked into multiple stories.
Heh, don’t mind me self-advertising here, but if you haven’t read it, you might like my Sam and Rose series, in which clothing or the lack thereof is a running theme. [A Sleeping Rose is first; I’m not sure they’re in that order in the bookshelf.]
Hahahah poor Rarity. I'd say poor Twilight but she doesn't seem to mind.
11674043
I'd say you're correct. Twilight doesn't get clothes and doesn't understand why everybody thinks its weird to not wear them. Sunset probably had the same hill to climb when she came over to EqG from Equestria.
11674960
I remember reading a story that said the elements would grant their bearers extra abilities and Laughter's ability was "Luck". It really does fit n_n