7978846 But everyone loves Kirk's attention!

7981068 True, he probably would have already fucked Berry Punch on his way to Canterlot. And no one would have cared.

Great ending.

Don't sweat it dude, later on if you think of ideas you can add chapters, for now I think it was a nice ending and a great way to put stories or chapters in between if idea strikes

an okay end to an okay story. well done

media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr48cmwzjz1qafrh6.gif

Well done.

Its a good story in general, but the way things are phrased is very odd, and almost jarring.

Let me give you just two examples.

I open my mouth before she places the cake into my mouth and making me take a bite into it.

A more natural way to say this would be.

I open my mouth as she places some cake into it. I take a slow bite.

she said, as she walks up to my left and takes a knee, looking at me eye-to-eye

as opposed to

she said, walking up to me. Dropping to one knee she looks sensually/deeply into my eyes.

This is only a little constructive criticism.

The Monk

This story is the like the cheap Cocaine of FimFic, it's good... but nowhere near as good as it could be.

7985581 Cant help but agree.

No offense intended, but this reads like poorly written hentai that was poorly translated into English. Poorly written due to the odd and sometimes disturbing phrases and idioms, poorly translated due to the missing words/phrases, incorrect tense, and all sorts of other grammar issues.

Maybe you should get an editor.

Also, in the first chapter, he claims he lost his virginity to a girl named Jessica. In the second chapter, he tells Celestia that she is his first. Unless you intended for him to lie to her, you might want to fix that.