Set after the Season 7 finale. Spike keeps thinking back to that time when Rainbow Dash saved Spike from Garble when he won that race. And he's been thinking that Rainbow Dash's the better special somepony than Rarity.
Chapters (2)
CAPTAIN YOSHI HD
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Nice story
I have an idea of a sequel to this story, you can make Rarity jealous of spike and rainbow dash, if you want the story to have a sequal
I approve. Brohoof!!
8518055
I'd rather not make a sequel.
8519183
It's OK but still great job
You almost had me in the beginning but you completely lost me at the shift in tone. Plus you might get some morevising done and touch up on your grammar a bit.
was really rushed. maybe if you could re-edit the story for mistakes or parts you could drag out a bit? Could make it one of the best short stories i've seen here!
8527402
Tell me which parts and I'll re-edit them.
8528517
It may take some time, because I'm working on a story for CategorialGrant's CuddleFic contest. If you're considering entering, deadline's on Nov. 19 I think.
You have a problem with realism and presentation that drags the whole story down. Take a look at the opening paragraph. It's written to list each action and emotion in such a specific, simple, way, it feels stilted and unnatural. It's as if you're writing a grocery list and not describing parts of a story.
The dialogue is written in one voice, and I don't know why you chose high school valley girl for that voice, but it is jarring.
" I'm like so bored right now." -- Twilight Sparkle
When they're not doing that, the way they speak is similar to the detached and emotionless way the narrative is laid out. You know those stories where aliens try to mimic humans and something about the way they speak is off? Like the words that they use aren't quite right, and the way they express themselves is only superficially like how a real person would do it--it lacks nuance or subtlety, you know?
That's this.
"Hello, Twilight. How are you?"
"I'm thinking of what to do today. I'm so bored."
"You should hang out with one of your friends."
"What if they're busy?"
"You should ask them anyway."
"Thank you, Spike. I should invite Starswirl if he's available. I am glad that he is back and I have so much in common with him."
It's...weird. It feels like the emotions are fake. It's like you captured the feeling of bad acting and transposed it onto writing.
The characters don't feel like themselves, the story is pretty simple and route, and the feeling of oddness never really lets up.
I think I'll stop this review here. Better luck next time, I guess.
Wrong choice of words Nurse Redheart!