• Member Since 26th Jan, 2017
  • offline last seen 3 hours ago

Jumping Jack


A single guy who loves to play video games, reads and writes stories about colorful ponies. Currently working on Project Apocalyptica and is in need of help editing for upcoming chapters.


Comments ( 16 )

I'm loving this story!

If the main characters in this story were voiced, what would they sound like?

7917714

Courier would sound like someone who knew what they were doing, albeit partially gung-ho.

The others I won't say until I've introduced them.

7917714
If you are still interested in knowing what the cast would sound like, I have finally introduced the main cast. I will be happy to answer any questions.

Okay? WOW courier way to be a dick.:trixieshiftright:

Good story though

This story is sooooo good.

7934786 I'm glad you enjoy it. There is still more to come.

She found her virtue, made me smile :)

7942626

I'm glad you enjoy it. But her journey is far from over.

You spelled sergeant wrong

Holy crud, your protagonist is phantom lancer. I should hate them on principle, but so far I don't. Illusion magic is fun to be sure, and I like that the other illusions seem to have a mind of their own. The way I see it playing down in my head involves almost three-stooge-ian antics, frequent towers of comedy, and just a general sense that between the x-factors of these extra illusions and Courier, they equal out into maybe 1 functional pony between the lot of them. I like the idea that her illusions my look at her as they get shot and die. I imagine them being really dramatic about it, like they just have an array of flamboyant and soap opera-y acts that are on the same level of attention seeking as the guy who invented the "Prawn bend" dying technique. There is just a lot of three man antics I could imagine, and even if you don't write it in, I will imagine it.

The character is fun, but I do have to say that conflict resolution feels a bit quick. Like the rapey guys at the bar just kind of noticed she didn't know anything about sex and just proclaimed that nobody would want to sleep with her and galavanted out. Like he went from "I'm gonna shoot you" to "I'm sorry, prudish one, but my homeplanet of douchatopia needs me." Its a little bit hammy. You're 300,000+ words in, so its not like I expect you to change stuff, but hey, it struck me as a bit weird. Then again, I'm the type that lingers with a scene for a bit too long.

Courier narrates things sometimes in a way that leaves me a bit jarred. For example, there is a lot of tense switching in the start, thought it seems to even its way out as the chapter goes on. The other thing that the protagonist does is that she gives full disclosure about a lot of things in a way that seems to take me out of it. Take this part for example:

“It says somewhere around Shelter.” The earth pony replied. ‘Shelter?’ I asked myself. Who is this Wasteland Demon? Well, if you asked others about their opinions, they would describe a big shadowy ogre with nasty claws and teeth. Others would say it’s a ghost of a two century old wanderer that had committed vile acts against the Crystal Empire and was exiled, hunted and killed for bits. And if you ask me? Well, I can say that this so called “Wasteland Demon” was one of the main reasons I’ve became a courier in the first place. I know exactly who they are talking about. But I had to be sure. If he is who I think he is, then eureka! But if it’s not, well let’s just hope I can get my rear out of a death trap.

I feel like this would be something where the character pausing to hear about it could raise lots of questions, but the character just talks a lot establishing "I know this one, they are not like the ponies say they are, and I am looking for them." Like that is stuff that is so juicy for subtext. Not to say that there isn't any subtext in any of this, but rather that a lot of things seem really overt and loud in this story's narration. It flows into your banter a little bit too, characters are very upfront in this. I complain about this only because you seem to have a character that would thrive on being bantery.


The story has a nice little bit of attitude, and that is probably the biggest compliment I can give to an FOE fic, so I'll probably keep reading a bit. I like your protagonist, they seem fun so far. I like illusions. That is fun stuff.

8093509 You are a legend. :heart:

....Max level? Like, 1/3rd of the way through the story!?

Wow, the DLC must be epic...

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