• Member Since 30th Nov, 2014
  • offline last seen Yesterday

KylerAdams


Comments ( 62 )

Fuck yeah! :pinkiehappy:
I like this story! Itsa much suka better than I fuckin expected da?:rainbowkiss:
Just please keep plot not too epic and everything will be fine! :scootangel:
Keep writing it!:twilightsmile:

What the fuck Firefly? :rainbowlaugh:
Okay, damn good! I like it, keep writing it!:twilightsheepish:

Your book has been advertised on the new facebook group page: https://www.facebook.com/groups/foebooks/ :)

6608250
That is most excellent, thank you!

Stable Scout is not dead, simply resting. The latest chapter is almost finished and baring unforseen problems, should be out in the next week.

After an incredibly long delay, Fallout Equestria: Stable Scout Chapter Eight - Protect and Serve - is gold! Go enjoy it!

"'Fraid not, Security." A mild thrill went up my spine as he called me Security, even though I knew he didn't mean it that way.

Though the reaction might have just been a 'mild thrill,' I cannot help but feel this line is foreshadowing a coming downfall. Either that or tremendous mutilation and amusing injuries.

But on to the chapter proper.

A lot of important things were checked off the list this chapter: Team Two's ponies finally get an introduction, some narration reveals more about Firefly's idiosyncrasies, the group travels outside and encounters its first stop in this new world. Many emotions and relationships are conveyed only through expressions and throw-away remarks, which thankfully free up the prose for flourish and humor. It was the strongest quality in the last chapter, and it is just as prevalent here. There is magic in showing so much in so little, which will hopefully continue to define the later chapters.

Unfortunately, downplaying the narration also works against this story. As a case in point, the first encounter with the hostile creatures of the wasteland.

Firefly and her Stable security forces have never traveled outside the area controlled by their stable. They don't know the rain is radioactive; they are lacking in experience with the unpredictable threats that wander the land. For their first encounter, they have fight off a horde of ghouls! It should be an unpleasant and perhaps shocking introduction to the wasteland proper; however, as it is written, the fight reads as though Firefly was checking off a grocery list.

12 ghouls, 11 ghouls, 10 ghouls... It sounds so routine like a training exercise. Firefly and her group are entering combat in a place they are not familiar with, against enemies they are not familiar with, and ghoulified Steel Rangers are involved. With that in mind, they should be shaken at least, not expecting these circumstances from their training. But since Firefly makes little of the encounter, so does the reader. We cannot sense that there is a very real threat here, unless Firefly makes it apparent.

So downplaying the combat, in my mind, reduces the risks and loses a scene of potential reader investment.

Nevertheless, the story you are crafting here is interesting enough to keep me reading.

6885766
Security, "Why not both? Why can't it be both?" Honestly? That was simply a joke reference/showing Firefly squeeing over Blackjack.

Combat in the earlier chapters... leaves something to be desired, I will admit, but much has been learned in the almost a year since I wrote them.

A complete revision of chapter 1 will be going live in the next few days, so stick around, folks!

Chapter 01 and chapter 02's revision is live! Go enjoy, because chapter 01 is considerably better now.

Dashie likes to drink? Who knew.

You knew, Firefly. I mean, it's not like you guys have known each other your entire lives. :L

"I was eating, okay!? When I get stressed out, I eat.

Firefly was entirely justified in yelling at Nimble. It makes no sense, though, why Nimble was eating away from everyone else. I am pretty certain no one judged eating disorders in the Wasteland, where the struggle for food was a daily reality.

I'd hope you'd pick yourself over them?

My goodness. That question mark carries a lot of weight. It's accusatory and uncertain at the same time.

Unsurprisingly, nopony showed much interest in rutting me, which I was not that bothered about.

This scene had some really good characterization in narration. Firefly's wound up, practically exploding with sexual frustration, but her adherence to textbook military etiquette prevents her from releasing even a little.

"Yeah, so I am, and you're hot. But in the mornin', I'll be sober and you'll still be hot." ... This colt is smooth.

I am so glad you had Firefly respond like that. Nothing like some Churchill charm turned into a flirt to break that stoic barrier.

Apparently in the rest of Equestria, cutie marks are a big thing. Dashie's is a moving shield.

A distinctive character appearance is great to have, but was this really the place to add these two lines? They seem out of place, given the flow of the paragraph.

"Just imagine... how many stores in this town can sell cold Sparkle-Colas?" His expression told me I had won.

Excellent demonstration of Firefly's ability to resolve problems without violence. A grand attribute that fits well with her character motivation.

The Mayor narrowed his eyes with a thinking look.

Perhaps you might have meant a "thoughtful look." Or you might want a new adjective altogether. Since the next sentence uses 'think' anyway.

Couldn't help but notice she didn't apologize for the little shit scaring me.

Jeez, Firefly, you have a bad habit of holding just about any action or expression against the individual. As though it were a sign of insult. This habit shows up way too often in the narration, sometimes making it seem Firefly is irritated, when she really shouldn't be.

This chapter features a lot of scenes and many interactions between Firefly and different parties. They all feel distinct and engaging, never once breaking away from Firefly's personality or distracting from the central issues and goals. But to get to all these scenes, the pacing becomes rather brisk, creating scenarios that feel like they should be longer, yet end rather quickly and without satisfaction. The most notable instance of the pace working against the story is the incited mob that faced off against Firefly. A lot of wastelander resentment could have come forth for the stable life, but the scene ends way too quickly for the tension to feel significant.

I can get why the pacing is so brisk. Haven is a rest stop, and the adventure needs to continue. But the scenes that deserve lengthening should receive lengthening.

Overall, the chapter reinforces the strengths of the story, delivering some smart and characteristic narration with some interesting dialogue and interactions. It shows that there is an effective method to all things Firefly does, making it somewhat easier to accept how tightly strung up she is. The only lacking element I think might have been how distant a character Dashie seems. For someone Firefly has known all her life, with whom she partners up in military exercises, Dashie is presented as a companion in the most literal sense: a character to be there as backup, given seldom chances to really appear as anything more.

Well done. I look forward to reading the next chapter.

"Welcome back, Captain. Ruin any of my toys yet?" Weld was sitting at his desk, but at the sight of me, he hurried over to the door.

A very minor suggestion, but might you switch those two sentences? I feel that the order reversed flows more smoothly.

My mother was passed out on the couch, dead to the world... Unfortunately, only temporarily.

That is just cruel to think, Firefly. If you keep making sociopathic remarks like that, the reader might think you are a robot.

The next hour and a half was unsurprisingly boring.

I would cut this line out, because the paragraph it's part of is an introduction for many other named characters, who you want the reader to be aware of. If Firefly said it was a boring scene, then the reader might just agree and skim the passage. Not an ideal reader reaction.

Not to mention, it contradicts the final sentence as far as the whole paragraph is concerned: "Interesting." I know that was a comment referring to the judge, but still...

"There ain't no sense to be found within these lands, Cerulean."

Lovely line there. It solidifies exactly what the antagonist is: the wasteland itself.

"I memorized the profiles for the previous team this morning, and two of the officers were pregnant when they left."

Whoa, whoa. You mean the previous head of security never even noticed that two officers were pregnant as they went on a wasteland expedition? That is insane! How bad was the management during that time that they failed this spot check?

"With all due respect, ma'am." His tone suggested anything but, though I knew he meant it, to a point. "That is a load of crap, and you know it."

I was relieved to see this bit of conversation, though it was definitely a tad too short for impact. It was a long overdue moment for Dashie to actually express his opinion and show characteristics other than lust and obedience. I would definitely like to see more out of Dashie as a character, rather than as a mere companion. Let his personality shine through; have him lend a contrasting perspective to Firefly's; give him space and words to grow.

Still alive. Good. Okay.

You have just stepped on an explosive strong enough to launch you backwards. Most certainly your condition is critical. With all due respect, ma'am, you should probably be reacting a little more and expressing more pain and shock.

"So you're one of those generation jarheads. Figures."

I am really taking an interest in this sense of separation in the stable. Security and the other managers of the stable definitely appear at odds, which could make for some lovely conflict of ideals!

So, Red leaves. His wife starts drinking. Hot Range is kicked upstairs to take her position, and her first official task? Formalizing her best friend's dishonorable discharge.

Maybe it is the character who says these lines or the terse delivery, but I definitely felt sympathy for these two characters, Hot Range and Firefly's mother, by the end of the paragraph. That would be a sign in my mind of a well-executed reveal.

cramped, concrete corridors

I love alliteration.

His sarcasm was so thick you could almost feel it radiating from him.

Perhaps you can use something other than "thick" as an adjective for his sarcasm. Maybe a substitute that emanates or is blatantly noticeable. That way, it would fit perfectly with the metaphor.

The change in perspective this time around definitely lent a lot more to the narrative than the one last chapter to Dashie's perspective. Pumpkin may not have much to distinguish her as a character, but the separation from Firefly's viewpoint allowed the reader to learn of valuable backstory and view the security team of Stable 30 in a different light. Mend the doctor was definitely a welcome addition as well to the narrative. He is someone who is willing to criticize Firefly and show that there are cracks in the situation she often sees as 'status quo.'

Unfortunately, for all the great new developments in the story, there is a sizable number of scenes that feel too brief. The shower scene for Firefly; the reveal of Frosty's mother and the offers from Stable 30; Dashie's first breakout character moment. They all explore very interesting ideas from sexual frustration to personal relationships versus duty, yet the narrative only affords these scenes as many words as are necessary to advance to the next scene. Those ideas only get hinted at or quickly explained before the plot is moving along again.

This story is remarkable for how many dynamics and conflicts are at play: Stable 30's sense of division, order versus chaos, desire versus duty, and so on. It only grows grander in scale and puts more and more at stake for the characters. I enjoy the direction you are taking this story, and I will be looking forward to the next chapter.

6980641
these are some wonderful crits!

"That is just cruel to think, Firefly. If you keep making sociopathic remarks like that, the reader might think you are a robot."
Firefly is super pissed about her parents. Rational thinking gets shifted to the side when she's forced to think about either of them. This will come up in the next chapter.

"Whoa, whoa. You mean the previous head of security never even noticed that two officers were pregnant as they went on a wasteland expedition? That is insane! How bad was the management during that time that they failed this spot check?"
It was noted in their profiles, but not seen as an issue. They expected to be back in a few weeks, perhaps, and they were the best the Stable had to offer. Desperate times call for desperate measures and all that. That said, you're right - Stable 30's Security is not as competent as they initially appeared to be. That is by design.

"You have just stepped on an explosive strong enough to launch you backwards. Most certainly your condition is critical. With all due respect, ma'am, you should probably be reacting a little more and expressing more pain and shock."
As of that moment, Firefly is more interested in the fact she's not dead and intentionally ignoring the pain that she's feeling. Adrenaline is a great thing, isn't it? Perhaps I should say, "that's a great excuse"? :pinkiecrazy:

"I love alliteration."
That makes two of us.

"I am really taking an interest in this sense of separation in the stable. Security and the other managers of the stable definitely appear at odds, which could make for some lovely conflict of ideals!"
There will be a recurring theme of the divide between Security - ponies who have intentionally joined up with a group who's sole purpose is to throw themselves into combat again and again - and the rest of the Stable they're protecting.

"The change in perspective this time around definitely lent a lot more to the narrative than the one last chapter to Dashie's perspective. Pumpkin may not have much to distinguish her as a character, but the separation from Firefly's viewpoint allowed the reader to learn of valuable backstory and view the security team of Stable 30 in a different light. Mend the doctor was definitely a welcome addition as well to the narrative. He is someone who is willing to criticize Firefly and show that there are cracks in the situation she often sees as 'status quo.'"
I'm thrilled to see that the POV switches worked, because they're going to be frequent without (hopefully) becoming too much so. FOE:SS is not "Firefly's story", like the original story and many others, but "the story of those around Firefly". While Pumpkin may not have a great deal of characterization, in this chapter, that will change.

"Unfortunately, for all the great new developments in the story, there is a sizable number of scenes that feel too brief. The shower scene for Firefly; the reveal of Frosty's mother and the offers from Stable 30; Dashie's first breakout character moment. They all explore very interesting ideas from sexual frustration to personal relationships versus duty, yet the narrative only affords these scenes as many words as are necessary to advance to the next scene. Those ideas only get hinted at or quickly explained before the plot is moving along again."

So basically, I need to stop rushing scenes. That's definitely not a bad point. But soooo many things to get into a chapter, sooo many things. Yet rushing them undermines their impact... :raritydespair:

He looked at me for a long moment. "Dashie?" His approach made me incredibly nervous for some reason. I stepped back, before he hugged me.

The moments leading up to the hug were well crafted. More than at any point prior, the two characters really seem like they have genuine feelings for one another.

It was an IF-9 with a box magazine. I freed it from its mount and removed the magazine. Because the world hates me, it was now empty.

Strange. You would usually see double-barrels used for shotgun traps. One barrel loaded to deny the survivors any ammunition. And the sacrifice of a semi shotgun perfectly suitable for urban combat. These Crimson fellas must have stockpiles of high-end weapons.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Are you a trained medical pony?"

Jerk doctor makes a good point. I am glad you are revisiting that particular incident. It seems way too momentous to be cast aside with a single character's explanation.

"Why?" Why- Hey, out of my head, Horn.

I can understand that the crew would be rather shocked at Mend's sudden attack, but Firefly nearly got all of them killed. A clear failure of leadership and an obvious warning about Firefly's terrible impulse. Surely, the crew should actually be angrier at Firefly; they seem to be taking the whole incident in stride instead.

I looked to the Captain, and she nodded away from the radio station and turned, trotting down the hill at a carefully measured stroll. "It's getting dark." Obviously. "So we'll head back to one of the buildings and bunker down for the night while we figure out where the Baltimare police station is."

"We're going to do what they told us to?"

A bit difficult to tell who is speaking here. Might be useful to add an indicator, since there are more than two characters in this scene.

... Cringe?

The word is getting a little overused in Wings's narration. The lack of clarity in what it is trying to convey is starting to bug me.

It's probably a good idea to keep your personal and private lives separate.

...wait, what's the difference?

"He suggested we give them a memorial." She nodded again. "Not a bad idea. Lemme wake up first."

You should separate those two pieces of dialogue. Wings is saying one; Firefly is saying the other. Best not to confuse anybody.

"We've all been a bit ... jumpy, and this makes me move faster and think better."

"Are you sure that's it?"

She nodded. "It won't be a problem."

Well, now it is going to be a problem. Good job showing the addiction as a habit formed out of necessity. It works a lot better this way, when the addiction comes naturally.

It was hard to find any glaring issues with this chapter. Well done with this one.

7091380

"Strange. You would usually see double-barrels used for shotgun traps. One barrel loaded to deny the survivors any ammunition. And the sacrifice of a semi shotgun perfectly suitable for urban combat."
That poor, poor old scattergun.

"These Crimson fellas must have stockpiles of high-end weapons."
...Yes. The Crimson Raiders are the ones who set that up there. Yes. :trollestia:

"Jerk doctor makes a good point. I am glad you are revisiting that particular incident. It seems way too momentous to be cast aside with a single character's explanation."
None of the party are happy with that incident, especially Wings. She finds murdering a restrained prisoner in cold blood to be beyond distasteful, but she also feels that ending his suffering quickly was the correct thing to do.

"I can understand that the crew would be rather shocked at Mend's sudden attack, but Firefly nearly got all of them killed. A clear failure of leadership and an obvious warning about Firefly's terrible impulse. Surely, the crew should actually be angrier at Firefly; they seem to be taking the whole incident in stride instead."
Team discipline. Never question the leader. Dashie has already chewed Firefly out over it. Wings is too straight up chain of command to openly question it. Mend is an asshole civilian, and he's totally correct, but that's the "wrong" way to do it, especially hitting Firefly. (even though she totally deserved it.)

"A bit difficult to tell who is speaking here. Might be useful to add an indicator, since there are more than two characters in this scene."
A fair point there, something to look into for a later editing pass.

"The word is getting a little overused in Wings's narration. The lack of clarity in what it is trying to convey is starting to bug me."
Another thing to work on in a later editing pass.

"It's probably a good idea to keep your personal and private lives separate."
Damn it. It's supposed to be, "personal and professional".

"You should separate those two pieces of dialogue. Wings is saying one; Firefly is saying the other. Best not to confuse anybody."
Another thing to look at.

"Well, now it is going to be a problem. Good job showing the addiction as a habit formed out of necessity. It works a lot better this way, when the addiction comes naturally."
DAMN IT. That's one of those lines that anyone who knows anything about stories automatically translates to, "this is gonna be a problem". :raritycry:

"It was hard to find any glaring issues with this chapter. Well done with this one."
:pinkiehappy:

This is about the point where SS is starting to get its hooves and figure out just how stuff works.

Fuck good chapter.:pinkiehappy:
A lot of shit happened. Feels rushed in someplaces but good
Keep writting):twilightsmile:

7234390
Yeah, it was a bit rushed by the end of the chapter. I was kind of tired of looking at it and I just rushed a few sections. Still, I'm learning pacing, and I'm overall satisfied with the result. :pinkiehappy:

I'm glad you're still reading!

"It's..." I paused, thinking. "Dangerous, but... amazing. There's soo much stuff out there, stuff you've never seen."

Fine job with the description here. Fitting enough for the character who is delivering it.

I... recognized... some of those words.

Firefly would have to be lacking in a basic education to not recognize those words. The technician even describes it in layman terms, so there is no excuse for this line above.

I paused, ignoring the sore ache that twinged between my hind legs at the mention of 'assistant', shifting slightly.

Quite a hilarious sidenote. I just hope you don't wind up overusing it in the vein of those vague phrases like "Cringe."

What's that, civilian for 'dismissed'? Yeah, sure thing, mare.

The snark and contempt in the narration comes off as natural thanks to the protagonist's exhaustion after the preceding chapters.

I can't do that. I glanced down momentarily. I don't have my pistol. Range wouldn't approve. Nor would Dashie.

The first time in this story, during which the conflict between the council and Firefly feels pronounced and significant. And this line, taken in context of two paragraphs before, is smartly written for multiple reasons I can't describe right now. Also the standout moment of tension in this chapter, which comes right out of the blue after a grinding, slow-paced half of the chapter. You at least go out of your way to make the everyday work of Firefly feel genuine, rather than some sort of filler. However, it started becoming tedious around the meeting with Astral Vision with way too much time spent on stuff that felt inconsequential to the overall narrative. It was too long a wind-up to the climax.

No, this morning went pretty well.

That felt like it went by too quickly. Especially considering what kind of breakdown we were just witnessing.

"I dunno, he wasn't that bad..." Yes he was.

Originally, I thought Firefly was just putting on a facade for colleagues and friends, hiding the fact that she was falling apart just a few scenes ago. Now that Firefly is putting on the facade even with Range, her biggest confidant, I do not even know what Firefly is going through anymore. She is definitely unstable at the moment, but she continues going in and out of these phases of normalcy with hardly any clue as to what is happening inside of her head. That is a big problem for me as the reader, since up to this point I had been able to comprehend what Firefly was going through.

"Oh, Firefly..." Dashie nuzzled his cheek against mine.
...
!!!

Best three lines in the chapter. You ended on a high note with this nightmare shocker.

7305608

Firefly would have to be lacking in a basic education to not recognize those words. The technician even describes it in layman terms, so there is no excuse for this line above.

Firefly's being kind of sarcastic with that, but I can see your point there.

Quite a hilarious sidenote. I just hope you don't wind up overusing it in the vein of those vague phrases like "Cringe."

*makes notes*

The snark and contempt in the narration comes off as natural thanks to the protagonist's exhaustion after the preceding chapters.

The first time in this story, during which the conflict between the council and Firefly feels pronounced and significant. And this line, taken in context of two paragraphs before, is smartly written for multiple reasons I can't describe right now. Also the standout moment of tension in this chapter, which comes right out of the blue after a grinding, slow-paced half of the chapter.

Firefly is not a nice pony, and this chapter sort of lets that come to the surface.

You at least go out of your way to make the everyday work of Firefly feel genuine, rather than some sort of filler.

That is one of the goals of Stable Scout, to make Firefly's job genuine. It's not just filler of her day, it's the job she's desired since she was little - helping ponies - and it's not really 'work' for her. This is her life, and her trips out of the Stable are simply an extension of that.

However, it started becoming tedious around the meeting with Astral Vision with way too much time spent on stuff that felt inconsequential to the overall narrative. It was too long a wind-up to the climax.

The Arcane Sciences meeting was set up for a few things later on down the road. Also, Pumpkin is feeling upset. Don't you care about Pumpkin!? :duck:

(Your comment suggests no, you do not, which is something else I must work on.)

That felt like it went by too quickly. Especially considering what kind of breakdown we were just witnessing.

Once again, a recurring trend in StSc of rushing through scenes that should be really drawn out, and then spending lots of time on scenes that really should be cut or shortened.

Originally, I thought Firefly was just putting on a facade for colleagues and friends, hiding the fact that she was falling apart just a few scenes ago. Now that Firefly is putting on the facade even with Range, her biggest confidant, I do not even know what Firefly is going through anymore. She is definitely unstable at the moment, but she continues going in and out of these phases of normalcy with hardly any clue as to what is happening inside of her head. That is a big problem for me as the reader, since up to this point I had been able to comprehend what Firefly was going through.

Firefly dislikes talking about the personal life or secrets of anypony named Firefly, even with her mother-figure. She's very macho that way. There are many, many ponies she'd trust her life to, and zero ponies she'd trust her secrets to, even those who are her closest, best of friends who she can be 100% sure will never even consider spilling them.

As for Mend, Firefly likes to think the best of ponies. She openly downplays their flaws and upsells their good traits. She may not like Mend, but she's ultimately a positive, optimistic pony who dislikes publicly downing anyone. She doesn't even really dislike Mend, because for all of his flaws, he has the advantage of being actually right most of the time, even if he's a prick about it.

Best three lines in the chapter. You ended on a high note with this nightmare shocker.

:pinkiehappy:

Oh great, now she have have her own army, then she will want her own empire.:pinkiecrazy:
Good chapters:pinkiehappy:

7347853
Firefly's empire - it's a work in progress.

Comment posted by Fr0d0man deleted Jul 2nd, 2016

ARGH I HAVE TO GO TO SLEEP
But I cant... stop... reading... :pinkiecrazy:
This honestly probably isnt healthy, and I should stop before I get to the end and realise there are no more chapters after this one at the moment.

NOOOOOO I READ IT ALL...
I am very sad now... :fluttercry:
New chapter out soon?
Plz? :fluttershysad:

7353750

I'm glad you enjoyed StSc! :pinkiehappy:

Chapter 11 is coming along, slowly but surely.

Well, this story came recommended on the Fo:E subreddit and I can see why so far, but ah, I do have two bits of criticism for this chapter. I've only done a quick glance at the second one, so feel free to take my words with a grain of salt.

Anyway, the first one is that...well, you've given me names of the characters, but you haven't given me what they look like. For instance, Rapid Dash: from the name, I can gather that he's a Pegasus, but I'm not sure on that since, like before, I don't know what he looks like. What's his mane color? What's his Cutie Mark? His build? I don't know about any of these, and the same goes for Firefly. At first I assumed she too was a Pegasus due to her name, but rereading the opening bit made me realize that she was a unicorn, but other then that...Yeah, I have no idea what she looks like. That goes for locations as well, I don't know how rooms are structured or how they feel, the sparring arena, for instance. I get that it's dark, but how is it dark? Are there floodlights? Is there a generator humming nearby? Is the arena like a maze? What about the air? Does Firefly's armor cause her to feel hot and sticky because of the heat? Or is it pleasantly cool?

To sum up, descriptions are a writers best friend. You've probably improved in later chapters as your skill increases, but the first chapter is often the most important for anyone looking for a good read. You've got to have good bait for reads after all.

The second one is more of a grammar issue and also kinda a pet peeve of mine. See, when you have a sentence like this:

"We did." I stressed 'we'. "The wasteland has spent the past two hundred years tearing itself apart over and over again instead of advancing."

You can write it as this:

"We did." And I stressed 'we', "The wasteland has spent the past two hundred years tearing itself apart over and over again instead of advancing."

See the comma? It makes the sentence flow easier, gives the impression that the sentence didn't end the same way a period does.

Anyway, that's my literal two cents. I'm going to keep reading to see where the story goes. Also, don't be afraid to edit things in old chapters you think don't stack up to your current ones, there's nothing wrong with redoing things here and there.

7450560

:pinkiehappy:
Thank you for taking the time to not only try FoE: StSc, but to write a review of it!

First of all - descriptions. Yes. The original draft (this is not the first posted version of ch01 - what an abomination *that* was) had basic, "mane, coat, etc" descriptions, which somehow managed to escape the complete rewrite.

I've considered rewriting chapters - 2 and 3 aren't that impressive, I hate to admit it but it's true - but time spent rewriting chapters is time spent not advancing the story, and I have a lot of stuff to get to. That, and classes start up in a couple of weeks, so time becomes much tighter.

Chapters 11 and 12 should be done by next week or so.

Stable Scout ch11 and ch12 are now live! Go enjoy!

This brings StSc up to the 1701st longest story on FiMfic.

If the OCs of this story were voiced, what would they sound like?

7467523
You know, that's a question I never thought about.

Firefly is on the deeper end of the female spectrum. Pumpkin and Ivory are both higher pitched.

Damn it. This is why I need to re-read things. I forgot who everyone is already.:facehoof:

Damn it. Another wait for an update.

7467903

Yeah, StSc has loads and loads of characters, and half of the party in this excursion are new faces!

Don't worry, though, that'll mostly normalize after the first act. Mostly. I think.

Chapter 13 is coming along slowly, probably be around the same time next month.

The beginning section, even assuming that it uses the same environment described in the previous chapter, is incomprehensible. This three-way intersection is given only one sentence worth of description, meaning that any context clues the reader is supposed to envision, such as "flagpole" and "adjacent roof," are ineffectual. In this minimalistic attempt to create hypertension and speed up pacing, cohesion in the unfolding narration is lost. Actions occur and characters speak, yet the reader will be hard-pressed to understand any of it - let alone imagine it.

She glanced down to her leg in confusion. "Oh, so that's what that was...." She went back to Ivory's leg.

This one receives the best characterization of all the new team members. The one line is enough to make her stand out among the other names. Unfortunately, the same cannot be said for Crescent, who received a POV last chapter and no memorable characterization.

I shouldn't have pressed on to Redheart General.

Cyclone was right - we should have spent the night at the Central Exchange. Crescent Spark is dead because I made a bad decision.

I took a deep breath, opened my eyes and looked to Spark again.

While I appreciate the fact that Firefly handles the death with subtlety as expected of her character, I also feel as though there was no impact to Crescent's death. Partially, that is due to how forgettable that character was; mostly, the realization is too understated. Not enough is done with Firefly's POV in this scene to really make the reader empathize. The feeling of regret is not tangible.

He rubbed his muzzle where the bruise was still healing.

Good detail to include as it leads right into the next line of dialogue.

The deduction in detail has stripped away context and cohesion, rather than streamline the narration. The diminishing narration has also caused several newly introduced characters to become names easily forgotten and uncharacterized. Though there are still moments of good subtle storytelling, the majority of the chapter has suffered from these two problems and other factors in consequence. My solution would be to reconsider the perspective from which you are writing this story. To see the text as an outside reader.

Good news:
StSc ch13 is basically entirely drafted and has now entered the editing stage.

Bad news:
I'm going to take a short hiatus after this, before pressing onto ch14, to get one of my non-FoE stories out.

Very bad news:
...Assuming I manage to find money to pay the landlady and don't end up living out of the back of a car. That would put a pretty big damper on my writing in general.

7506837

~makes notes~

Your feedback will go towards making ch13 better. Also, I'm adding ch11 and 12 to my list of "in dire need of revision", next to chapter 06.

Good news:
StSc 13 is live. Lucky number thirteen, right?

Better news:
I'm not living out of the back of a car!

StSc will continue as planned. Tune back next month, folks.

7654779
Yeah! More reading!

Good to hear that dood.

Holy crap a month... That gonna be a long wait...
Ill read through this again to try to remember some stuff then I guess.

Yeah, I know, it's been a month since I said I'd post a chapter in a month. Things have changed, delays, etc.

StSc's going into a temporary hiatus until next year or perhaps when S7 picks up. Lotta stuff going on around here, and I need some time to clear my mind and get ready for StSc.

It will continue, though!

Hiatus? What hiatus?

Oh, you mean that hiatus.

Good news: StSc isn't dead.
Great news: Planning has happened, things have changed, storylines I never should have tried have been cut. See that 150k word, 13 chapter long story you've read? That's most of the story. You're past the halfway mark!
Greater news: Two chapters are planned for release by April 15th, when Season 7 picks up.

Check back later. In the meantime, why not give StSc another read through? It starts to get really good around chapter 08, and even the chapters prior to that are still pretty okay.

Okay, first of all to be honest, I'm a bit jealous that you thought up the name 'Deathcon' for a place like that. It's name just bleeds wasteland, and I applaud you for that!

On the rest of the chapter... call me jaded, but I'd really expected that trip to go a lot worse! I mean, the way that it went was fine, mind you! But I will say that the inclusion of ghoul rangers was a really interesting concept! It's one of those believable things you know would probably happen out in the wastes that no one really touches on.

Now with so many interesting concepts in mind, I'll say this: this chapter was fairly straightforward. While I'd expected plenty of things to go terribly wrong, part of me forgot that this is only chapter two. In retrospect, I think in keeping this chapter simple, with a conflict that's fairly small like this, it really does a good job in setting things up. Like in most of the games, your first wasteland 'quests' are always simple ones, that have risk, but only because you're unfamiliar with how things go. It's a good way to set things up without being too unbelievable, (I mean, they are just feral ghouls) and if anything, lulls the characters into a false sense of "it's not actually all that bad out here!" that can cause problems down the road.

Overall, I enjoyed this chapter, and I'm looking forward to the next one!

8082903
This is just the beginning! Stuff doesn't start to hit the fan... yet. Don't worry, it's coming, and when things happen, things happen hard.

Well! StSc14 is live, a few days early, even!

StSc15 - Stars and Stripes should show up sometime next week.

'A few minutes later, a muffled explosion shook the building, shaking dust free from everywhere, and a much louder bang indicated the door had fallen free.' You know, not to poke holes here, but I'm pretty sure plastic explosives make more of a bang than any door would. x3

A room full of fancy buck snack cakes... and not a damn Twinkie in sight. A damn shame. Still, I bet the could make some money selling the cache to some ghoul out there!

A fairly simple chapter, but there's nothing wrong with that! It's nice to read a story with just two characters again, keeps it simple to follow, even with the POV switch. Anyway, I'll say this, I'm curious to know what was so needed out of Stable 60 that a bunch of Alicorns would need!

"Are you sure you're not simply looking for somewhere else so you can take the Stable's defenses and abandon us?"
Wow, rude. Four ponies leaving is hardly a sizable chunk of stable security, even with the obviously touchy topic of the last excursion before Firefly's. So this guy is either an asshole, or maybe there's something too that. I might just be thinking a bit too far into it, but it's still something to consider!

Also, rude doctors are the best doctors. They get shit done, and are quick to remind you that should you fuck up like that again, guess who isn't going to give you treatment? That's the best incentive not to get hurt, really.

'who was covered in a sort of armored barding made of clipboards.'
Ah yes, the impenetrable clipboards. Unfortunately, while they may deflect bullets, they don't really work against landmines...

'A coffee mug had had the bottom bored out and used as an improvised horn guard'
That however, I wouldn't have thought about. They are pretty unbreakable in the games as well I guess! Gotta hand it to you, that's pretty neat!

And of course, Bang! Woosh! Cliffhanger!
Interesting chapter overall really! Felt a lot shorter than it's word count would lead you to believe! I'm looking forward to the next one.

StSc15 is live!

Finally.

Just in time for StSc's second anniversary, too!

Traps. Traps EVERYWHERE. You know, I never really got that about Fallout 3, NV, and 4. There were always SO MANY traps! Most of them set up in places that were commonly traveled and used by the occupants in the structures. I can't count how the times the traps killed the raiders who owned the place I'd busted into. I think the only times a trap gets me is if it's either one of those nukemines in Fallout 4, or a mine that happens to blow up a car.

DNFWSTIR. Eeyup, I'll never forget DNFWSTIR. Just rolls RIGHT off your tongue!

'They sounded like a mare, but it could just be a colt with a voice modifying talisman.' Colt must have done something pretty heroic to have been allowed to wear that armor! :pinkiecrazy: Just saying!

'Two skeletons lay on the bed, a unicorn and an earth pony. "They're mares." I noticed a pair of revolvers on the the bed. One lay between the two; the other rested in one's jaws.' Reminds me of a bed I came across in the hotel in Far Harbor, and if this is a reference to that, then woo! If not, double-woo for doing it on your own!

Anyway, sorry getting around to reading this took forever. I've been swamped with stuff, and while I've been itching to read it for a while, I just now found the time to get through it. I'm still loving the story, and I can't wait to see what happens next! :pinkiesmile:

Well, if you're going to be traveling into a dodgy looking sewer complex, you might want to get out all your cliche lines at once! You know, on account that you might be too busy dying in there to scream it out.

Well, at least it didn't take long for them to understand the ghouls weren't very friendly! Though on the other hoof, it was JUST long enough to get lead deep enough into the place to get slightly lost. But hey! Besides almost drowning, it DID work as a bit of a shortcut!

I mean, while he IS the doctor, and she IS the navigator, if the doctor tells you it's unhealthy to take that path, he MIGHT just overrule her by a bit. :pinkiecrazy:

"Riots, actually. In the days after Equestria died." - I'm glad I wasn't the only one to have that idea! I mean, if your city wasn't immediately hit on the last day, I'm pretty sure it would shortly be full of ponies causing chaos.

While I can understand why you would make it where the wings wouldn't work (for story purposes), I was pretty sure Ditzy's wings were nothing but skin covered bones with a few feathers on it and she still flew. Then again it's been three years since I've read the story, so I could be wrong. And of course, it doesn't change anything about the story really, just something that struck me that I felt like taking note of!

'The hell is jaywalking?' - This is something I wish I could identify with. :/ There are TOO many damn jaywalkers around where I live, and I would like to punch each and every one of them in the face.

Oh, I've forgotten how agrivating it can be to read Steel Rangers as assholes, even if it's how they're supposed to be. :pinkiesad2:

She opened her eyes and looked at me in surprise. "You're joking, right?" That sounds promising. She burst out laughing, then stared at me for another awkward moment. "Oh, wait. You're serious. Aren't you?" I glanced to Dashie, who simply shrugged. "Lemme laugh even harder." - I always love this kind of reaction. Just something that makes the protagonist (and the reader) deadpan. It's good stuff!

"Surprisingly, I think he hates me too despite my skill for repairing for advanced technology." She narrowed her eyes. - I think there's a typo there. :pinkiehappy:

And Oooooo! Descent in the ranks of the Steel Rangers, willing to make a separate peace for the betterment of both sides. Hmmmm, so the question is, who will attempt to assassinate the elder? And what will happen when that plan ultimately fails? How exciting!

Visual concealment, not cover. - A VERY important distinction to make!

Also, Firefly's going to finally get used to not having a working pipbuck that by the time it DOES decide to work again, she's going to forget that she even has it available to use. :pinkiesmile:

Creepy looking tree, casting odd shadows? Maybe even... foreshadows? :D Seriously though, I have a feeling that not blowing it up is going to come back to bite them in the flank. Or maybe that's exactly what you WANT me to think...

Overall, this was a pretty solid chapter! Lots of goings on with more than a bit of world building, which I always enjoy. And while you may have kinda-sorta overhyped it just a bit in chat, I still enjoyed it. :pinkiehappy:

Oh, and of course, it was good to see that Firefly finally got laid, even if it wasn't with Dash like I'd expected it to be. :pinkiecrazy:

You know, there's something to be said about the way this mirrors veterans coming back from deployment. The transition back to home, how people then tend to question if you're okay after what you had to do out there. The idea that Fire is NOT okay after the shit she's been through in the wastes being so obvious to others and not her just kinda fits this to a T. She goes through stages of grief when she's temporarily suspended, and how it causes her to think on everything she's learned so far only makes things get worse. Honestly I'm surprised that nopony's asking if she has some small amount of Wartime Stress Disorder yet, but maybe that'll come up when she ACTUALLY gets to see the shrink. :pinkiecrazy:

Overall an interesting chapter that both gives us all a break from the adventures in the wasteland, while also showing that even though she's home, it doesn't mean that things are going to be any easier in her life that outside the stable door.

Huzzah, at least someone's relationship isn't getting all screwed up! Though, knowing how addicts work, I can't say I'm hopeful that her mother will stay off the cider. That, or something terrible is going to happen to her unexpectedly...

And that solo meeting with the shrink went quite well. Though, there wasn't all too much to be concerned about given the circumstances of her last jaunt outside. It's good to see that they somewhat expected that and will keep her on duty! Though again, that's kind of a no-brainer, considering I don't think she'd break out of the stable if they said no, and the story still has to go on!

And now, Firefly takes the first step in her plan to perform a coup that installs her as the head of her own military dictatorship! :pinkiecrazy: I mean, it's pretty comprehensively planned and all. I'm kidding of course, but it's good to see that the council doesn't have to be overly cautious all the time about everything.

Also, you said the thing!

Overall it was a good second half to the return chapters. Lots of retrospective and insight to the problems that come from being thrust into vicious combat before returning to what was once 'normal life'. I'm interested in seeing how the cast feels once they get back out there again, but in the case of Firefly, I think she'll be feeling like she's back in her element. Even though it's caused her nothing but problems so far.

You have some top notch editors. :twilightsmile:

Login or register to comment