- Member Since 10th Jun, 2015
- offline last seen 1 hour ago
Megaskullmon
No dictator, no invader, can hold an imprisoned population by the force of arms forever. There is no greater power in the universe than the need for freedom. Babylon Five
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The beggining kinda reminds the introduction of fallout 4 with cryogenic pods
Yeah I wasn't going for that but eh it works.
Hm... Hm... character wise, this idea is interesting however. There are still some issues troubling the read. However, most can be dealt with easily. Let me explain:
1) Tenses
See those underlined verbs? Two are written in the present simple tense whilst two are in the past simple tense. This shouldn't happen. There must be just one of them, doesn't matter which.
2) Missing punctuation
There is so much info crammed into those sentences. Some would deserve to be made into whole paragraphs of description - the hoof-cutting part for example. Some just need to be split into more shorter sentences, just like:
'I looked up to my pony husband and children. They were scared.'
3) Capitalization
Thorough the text there are many words capitalized - Husband or Pink for example - words that shouldn't be capitalized at all. On the other hand, words like Little Strongheart, Sugarcube Corner or titles like Miss Rose would deserve proper capitalization everytime.
4) Logic
You have to think about what is possible for the characters to know or think. Did Rose ever met Little Strongheart to know how she looks? How could Pinkie, working the whole day at the counter, know if Twilight is at home? How did Rose know what could the device on the pegasus' chest do? How did she know that the tubes will freeze time for them? Why did Pinkie leave her job only to go visit Twilight? etc.
5)Descriptions
Typical description of what happened. However, it's just a mere statement. What are you trying to accomplish is to make the reader track the story, get hooked, feel like he/she is in the middle of the action. Describe in details what's going on. Build up the tension. The reader can't see inside your head, be concrete!
For example, take the factory part. 'factory that was made to look like one' What is in the room? How does it smell? Is there blinding light or dim darkness? Is something worth noticing going on there, like guard punishing someone? How does Rose feel about it? Describe! It'll be a longer chapter, but you'll get the reader in.
Same goes for the fight scene - describe the guards. The ride in the car - the characters can try to talk to each other, the ride may be bumpy... Whatever comes to your mind. Imagine yourself in the place of Rose. Someone just restrained you in a tube that freezing over. What would you do? Panic? Try to escape? Shout? All at once? This can be applied to many parts of this chapter.
Also, when it comes to descriptions, it'll be worth mentioning the fact Rose in fact is zebra - great part for that is the scene with guards interrogating ponies while Rose and Pinkie go to Twilight's. The guard can mutter something like 'Cursed zebra...' for example to let the reader know who your character is and that the guards really don't like her.
So, those are the main issues. Everything clear? Any questions?
-Ever
7939878
Huh thank you. I am so used to people on this sight just turning into how can I say it...anal about anything?
7939878
Also i can send it back to my editor to see if he could find some of those mistakes.
7939951 You're welcome. Yeah, but those 'anal' things do nothing to help you improve as a writer, now do they?
I think your editor can be off assistance here, but the things I mentioned are mostly for you to remember when writing and to show how these work and what could be done to make a story more attractive. Fixing some of the issues would require prolonging the chapter with far more description - that's probably not what your editor will do, as long as he's not a co-writer.
7940256
I do agree with you in fact I might as well and go ahead and redo the entire first chapter. In fact I might as well do that. Since I re read it myself just now and I agree whole heartedly that I made alot of mistakes.
7940259 Not a native English speaker, right? If you need any help feel free to drop me a PM or a comment at my profile.
7940264
Sadly nope.
7940264
To fix this..I am going to remove the submission and then redo the entire intro.
7940265 Me neither, still it's possible to learn how to play their writing game.
Frozen clock is finally out again. have fun with the read folks. i did what I could to re do it and make it worth the read.
Also new chapter in the works.
9148448
Oh there is more coming I am doing more just I am going to go back and redo this entire chapter. It needs work so yeah. At least I know it needs. So when my editor is not so busy I iwll give him this one.
Hello again folks another story is back and yeah the new chapter may seem a bit rushed. But it's an old chapter I had in the backlog for awhile. I didn't feel like going back and redoing it. heh heh to lazy I guess. But I am going to make sure I work harder on the chapters.
the immortal cyborg shtick, along with the name of the group that did it makes this feel like a cyborg 009 crossover too...though is suspect thats just me.
11206359
Never seen 009 also they aren't immortal I would never do that silliness. They will die of old age it may take them longer but they will die when age comes for them.