- Member Since 10th Jun, 2015
- offline last seen 13 hours ago
Megaskullmon
No dictator, no invader, can hold an imprisoned population by the force of arms forever. There is no greater power in the universe than the need for freedom. Babylon Five
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Megaskullmon · 54k words · 25 4 · 681 views
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Welcome to my story. I hope you all have a fun time reading. Also please be respectful thank you.
I shall give it a look-see when I go on my lunch break
8552332
Of course I do hope you enjoy the story.
I'm not sure how explicit you intend to make this (or have already made it) but you probably don't need the Sex tag. The Mature tag alone allows for roughly the same level of content as the Teen and Sex tags together. This means you can have innuendo, references to (but not descriptions of) sexual acts, and talk about genitals outside of sexual contexts.
8552369
Alright of course but for now i will keep it. Because again deep subjects later in the story.
Dragon!
8552390
DURGIN!!
So, we have a TGed dragon and a Lyra. What can possibly go wrong?
8552393
er mur gurd durgon
8552540
Let the DURGIN FLY!! Anyway hope you enjoy the story.
8553346
i did
Instant like. I live in Michigan.
8645514
LOL I was born and raised in Detroit. Lived in Battle Creek for awhile and Kalamazoo
8645518
I like 20 minutes outside Detroit.
8645519
Of course I no longer live in Michigan I live in Wyoming now. But if i had a choice I would be living in Michigan again.
This was fun, noticed a few minor errors
8646839
Of course that is bound to happen. I am willing to fix them to.
8646844
It's mostly punctuation errors, with the most glaring (to me) being the apostrophe in Lyra's note
8646883
Alright thank you.
The direction to take for the drive shouldn’t be too difficult. Just take I 90 East all the way to the border of Michigan where it meets with I 94. Or they could take I 25 South to I 80 East and that pretty much meets up with I 90 and I 94 in relatively the same place. Where in Michigan is their final destination?
8649882
Battle Creek
And that's oddly what I did for the story.
8649888
Oh yeah then they would hit up I 94. I picked up a load out of Battle Creek just recently. That will be quite a drive though. I’m actually from Michigan myself. I like when I see some stories on this site with Michigan as a setting.
8649906
I was born and raised there myself. I don't live there anymore of course. But I looked at a map to make sure I did it right.
after rereading this I noticed a SCIENTIFICE FLAW
he wouldn't see it be cause all reptiles have a cloacae meaning they only have one whole to do there businesses with meaning he would have to stick a claw in their to identify his/her gender sorry just needed to get that our of my system
8650821
Lol i was waiting for someone to catch that. Because I knew that myself. But i wanted to see if someone would catch it. More like if people are on their toes. But of course this character wouldn't know this. Since their writing a journal telling the accounts of what happen to them. They would have put in a few mistakes.
8650837
makes sense nice bait
I put to much effort into it and ripped the lock apart and sent both doors flying to either side of me.
I put too much effort into it and ripped the lock apart and sent both doors flying to either side of me.Â
8660995
Thank you fixed.
There had more to this then she was telling me but I'm not going to pry.
There had to be more to this then she was telling me but I'm not going to pry.
I went to the first house I that I had broken into the first day and broke into the into the two cars they had.
I went to the first house I that I had broken into the first day and broke into the two cars they had.Â
8661098
Okay fixed that one just looking for the one that has the word Pry at the end. Thank you of course.
8661034
That one is done to
then all of a sudden a salamance shows up
naaa im joshing ya or am I?
8841450
LOL
8841452
tho it would be cool if he met another uman turned dragon that gave into their instincts and became nothing more then a monster from myths
8841455
Yeah she would have If Lyra didn't show up. Thanks to Lyra she dosen't turn into a monster.
8841456
oh maybe the other dragon could be more symbolic like its a toy dragon and he explains what dragons mean in this world and how they can represent look at fafnirs lore for example of what will happen if she isnt careful
8841466
Maybe I already have the sequel in the works. This one is finished now just needs to be edited.
8841468
fair enough
Fun read but I noticed some minor errors, mostly capitalizing and punctuation errors.
8841904
Eh at least it's not crazy bad like it was. Thank you though if I can find those I will fix them.
Your idea is awesome. I love dragons.
But.
The text itself needs some serious proofreading. I copied the first three paragraphs into google docs and edited them as I would any other English text. The errors are so numerous that I didn't see a single sentence without any until the last paragraph. In particular, watch out for sentence fragments (remember sentences need both a subject and a verb), and switching between past and present tense. You seem to love writing in present perfect, which makes many sentences hard to write and can be extremely confusing to read. I suggest switching your entire story into past tense.
You can take a look at what I mean on google docs: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Aqu55lYUezScxs5DQLQ_7K8iuBlPtet5dGcT05nTIM4/edit?usp=sharing
8845784
Alright thank you very much. I will take a hard look.
Others already pointed out some grammar flaws, so I'll focus on the short description (since it's what people usually see first).
The first sentence sounds a bit awkward. It sounds like the main character was a "former human" before being a dragon. It'd sound better as "A dragon that was formerly a human." or even "A dragon that used to be a human." The second sentence should be "Tries to find his... well, her way to Michigan to find her family."
To think about it, the description would also work if those two sentences were combined into one.
8884932
Thank you I'm expecting to see some people do this. Since that's what the editor wanted.
8884932
But thank you Sammy I did that part not by mistake but to see how long someone would say something.
Call me a dick if you like, but lay for describing the action of one lying down is past tense, not present.
You misused it twice in the very beginning of the chapter. Normally I don't comment on it, but "here I lay" masquerading as present tense makes my head hurt a little.
Lie is the present tense. You are lying down, here you lie, etc.
Lay in the present tense means setting something else down or producing an egg. You are laying down a book, etc.
8888885
Thank you my editor kept that on purpose to see how many people are reading instead of just skimming.
8888885
Also no I won't call ya a dick. I am not some child that will get upset over nothing. Now since my editors test is done. I will fix it.
8888885
And yes, despite the story itself being in past tense at that point, both times you used lay were in a way that called for present tense.
"I was ---ing" the --- is the present tense version of the word. For example "I was standing" rather than "I was stooding."
The second usage is mostly because you started out with "here" , which is honestly kind of confusing when you're using the past tense in general. I thought you would use it to tense shift into the present tense for the rest of the story, but now I've read ahead and I'm just confused.
This may be considered too nitpicky. I don't know.