I'm not sure if this counts as "HiE". A human's mind is imprisoned in Celestia's consciousness...and the human is the bad guy.
In this story, our unsuspecting narrator, a simple human teenager named only John Doe, finds that his entire consciousness has been transplanted into Celestia's mind. But rather than him becoming the ruler of Equestria, he's completely helpless; a prisoner in an alien body, only able to communicate with Celestia when she goes to sleep and her subconscious defenses are lowered. Will he eventually overcome her defenses and wreak havoc on Equestria? Only time will tell.
Chapters (4)
This amuses me.
This does not amuse me.
Ah, controversial fiction...brings out either the best or the worst in others, no? Please, hesitate not in any criticisms or praises for this cobbled-together piece of work. If it amuses you, all the better. If it does not, then you needn't fret. There are many other stories out there that may well be your cup of tea, and I only hope you find enjoyment in all that you seek.
John Doe?
doulifee.com//Storage/aceatt/GyakutenSaiban2/4-4ani-koroshiya-suit.gif
851706 then I am glad to have brought you the lols.
851759 Aww. That's too bad. But I hope you find enjoyment elsewhere! Love and tolerance everypony!
851793 I have no idea what you are referencing, but thank you for the comment nonetheless.
dangit you took my story idea although my would have been twi
Damn it, that's another 1,400 on the the already 745,000 words on my 'to be read list'... damn. I'm not even joking, I did the math.
This will come first though, expect a review to replace this soon.
851895 Don't allow my writing to discourage you from your own! I've no doubt your work will be excellent, and I would look forward to reading it if you wrote it anyways.
851897 A respectable to be read list, to be sure! And I am honored to be high up on your priority list...though I worry about a review to replace your comment. But please be harsh if necessary. If I'm to survive this oft-cruel world, I'll need to grow a callused and thick skin, in order to act as a natural barrier against trolls and demons!
851949 Well then congratulations on winning the "I never have time to get around to reading what I set aside for myself" competition! All joking aside though...wait, joking should never be put aside. Perhaps according to you everything is a game, a competition. And so in response to your comment I therefore say, in the most sincere and heartfelt of ways, thank you for your time.
Wow, 6 dislikes already versus only 9 likes. A new record for me when it comes to haters! But you know what I do?
I...
Deal with it.
851993 Glad to hear it. Sorry if it's tough to follow, but perhaps that's just the shape of the literary monstrosities that my brain spews forth. Rather than just suggesting I "improve on that", some more specific advice would be very appreciated.
852239 Well, then let's just say that space has gone all wibbly wobbly spacey wacey and call it a day, because for some unexplained reason a lot of ponies and humans seem to be popping into the land of fiction at random nowadays, with little if any explanation as to the how.
Huh. I'll admit, the idea is pretty great. Sure, "Why am I Pinkie Pie?!" is an interesting and original fic, but that one seems to go a different direction (what with full control and all).
It's also 100% better than this fic. I've got to ask, is this a parody of terrible HiE fics? The reason I ask is that your writing isn't actually terrible like most of those fics. The story is terrible, but not the writing. Is this a joke fic?
First, the name of the character. That name only makes me think this is a parody or something. Second, you're going way over-the-top with how the guy is acting, and-
Never mind. I'm just going to assume the whole story is a parody of some kind.
ok first off unless this is a parody change it to somethign else. i mean there is more then BILLIANS of diffrent types of names out there in the world.
like for example richard is a common enough name among american/english males.
or you could even troll the name by making it somethign liek johnathen doecolf
(john doe is visable in there :P)
also the storie is so-so.
it has hope as all stories have at the start.
852534 Uhh...sure...let's go with that. If it makes you happy, then yeah, this is a parody fic. Good writing, terrible story, got it.
852605 Sure, I could name him Johnathan Doemaneson or something else ridiculous, or I could just remain with the ridiculousness with which I started off. As it is, it seems feelings are very mixed about this story, about half positive, half negative. But I'll probably just do my own thing, write for the sake of writing, in hopes of more positive than negative eventually. Working on a second chapter now, actually. I make no excuses for my complete lack of sanity, and the way this story will progress. Other than perhaps that I'm just very new at writing. But practice makes perfect eh? Tell ya what, if ya like it, great. If not, all the better. There are many stories out there, and I'm sure you'll be able to find one that fits your liking if this one doesn't. So have a nice day!
gud, but everything is good in my eyes
852679 I'm not sure how to respond to this. So I'll just do this.
Thank you for your time in posting a comment. Also, your profile pic looks quite impressive. If everything is good in your eyes, then I'm glad your eyes have graced my work and left it with positive feedback even so.
Have a superterrponyrriffictapdancingfabulous day!
852688 well, i once gave a few stories a dislike, but it was because those where a huge pile of s***, yours is not s***
852816 Good to know. I'd be terribly worried if my words transformed into excrement.
Though no one has asked so far for MOAAAR! I have provided it anyways. Hope you enjoy this Celestia-dominated chapter. I never liked John Doe much anyways.
not bad
Ill see were this goes and hopefuly this guy does not get pulled out of Celestia mind at the end and then the story goes really wacky dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/discord.png
852898 We shall see, alphex2357...we shall see. And thank you for ze moustache.
ahem. Moar?
853102 Maybe...but you should definitely consider using the word "Please".
Not much, but still good my dear friend! i am trying to write a story but i dont got any good thoughts
I refuse to beg. I don't need you! I'm the one in control of this relationship!
*turns around and crosses arms*
hmm!
*Turns back around*
I'm sorry, I didn't mean it! Please moar!
853135 Everyone has good thoughts, you just have to tap into them as a resource! If you're having a bit of writer's block, then no one can blame you. But don't force it; that's almost always just a recipe for disaster. You might even pull from other stories as inspiration. Take a little bit from others, and then use your mind to create something new from the confusing amalgamation. Plagiarism is a definite no-no, but nothing is ever completely new or original. So take your favorites, and make them better! That's all the advice I have.
853152 Well, since you asked so nicely...maybe.
There he go, that's John Doe
Balling on you bitches like I'm Rondo
MOAR PLESE THX BYE
huh. I can honestly say I've never seen a story with such a close ratio of likes to dislikes. According to the people who run Fimfiction, 90% of all votes are thumbs-up so I normally make it my policy never to read a story with a significant number of dislikes. This normally serves me well as the only stories that get a large number of dislikes are terrible. But I want to see just what caused such an odd reaction from the community.
853155 thanks pal i hope that will help me
Ack. A few simple pointers that will make your story much more well received. Going meta in the first paragraph is a no-no. Seriously, you never want to go self-referential in the very beginning of the story, unless it is an off the wall random one-shot, like the story about Twilight uploading a fanfic and complaining about people misusing tracks and faves. If you want a deconstructive metafic, you need to set the reader up by playing it perfectly straight at the beginning, THEN going weird. When I saw the first paragraph I was about to hit the back button, and would have if I hadn't promised myself to read the whole first chapter before judging.
PS: Grammar and formatting is the second most important trait of a fic, don't forget that. Yours isn't atrocious, but your first-order optimal strategy for improving reader reactions for minimal effort would be to clean it up.
Chapter 2 was a lot, and I mean a LOT better than your first chapter. A whole lot. As in "I just went to see if the first chapter has been posted a month ago and you took writing classes in the meantime." My honest recommendation is that you keep the story strictly from Celestias point of view only, your story reads and works much better that way.
I think the reason why it's disliked so much is because John here has decided to go the route of "I'm going to take over all of Equestria!" rather than "Help me, Celestia!"
However, so far, it's written well, so we'll see if it's actually earned its dislikes in time.
If he succeeds in taking over her mind, he's gonna be fucked unless he can figure out how to raise the sun in a few hours.
I fail to see why it has so many dislikes, well other than the guy being called John Doe.
What ruined it for me is him talking about how cool it would be to be transported to Equestria. It's almost like having characters in the story TALK about the story you're reading, not amusing like Pinkie.
And John Doe, really? I mean, I get the joke and all but couldn't you have given him perhaps a less distracting name? I'm probably judging it too early though, so I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and read the rest.
853339
Yeah, pretty much.
John became such an unlikable douchebag, and that was probably intentional, but it's just unpleasant how cruel he's being.
This story is pretty good. I don't understand why it has so many down votes except that some people don't like the guy's name is John Doe or something lol.
It would have been much better if there was actual story to it. In the beggining it moves WAY too quickly. Your story is a good idea but needs much more, how should I put it, meat on the bones. In other words, NEEDS MOAR TEXT.
(I mean no offense by this comment. I am just stating my opinion.)
Please, kind sir, may I have some moar?
Also, my comment on the first chapter is only ment for the FIRST chapter. Your writing has improved greatly. I wasn't sure whether to thumb up or down but now it is defenitly a thumb up!
Good luck and have fun working on the next chapter! :D
I have made a promise to myself to answer every comment so long as it remains plausible. Here goes!
853220 Nice rhyme, good sir. Would you like to compose poetry for the story in the future? I'm sure I could squeeze it in.
853221 A request for more? All right then. When the inspiration arrives, I hope to fulfill your request. And hopefully I don't disappoint you as I have disappointed so many others!
853253 You're very welcome! I'm always glad to help others out.
853334 Please point out any errors in the spelling or grammar in punctuation that you see, and I'll make sure to get on my way to editing them when I have time. As for the "entirely from Celestia's point of view", sounds like a pretty good idea. And I confess that my stories are always bound to be very...rough, before they go through a trial by fire of the commenters. I may fix up the first paragraph a bit, to improve first impressions.
853339 Eek! Apparently I'm no good at fulfilling expectations, so I have a small fear that you will be disappointed. And since when is putting a villain into a story reason for disliking it? Who knows, John might change. And I'm thinking about changing his name as it is apparently so controversial. Maybe to something cool like Raphael Lucas. Just random I just came up with.
853375 If it were really an emergency, maybe he'd ask Luna for help, as I'm sure she wouldn't want everypony to die from John's incompetence. But I believe a conscious takeover is a bit of a ways off.
853526 I know, right? It's incredible how much a simple name can turn people away. Tell me what you think of Raphael Lucas.
853550 Thank you for the benefit of the doubt, but I beg you not to push your expectations up too high. I'm still rather new to writing for fimfiction.net, so any criticism is appreciated. And if it's really that big of a deal, John Doe will be quickly edited into Raphael Lucas.
853955 Thank you! "Pretty good" is a positive compliment, so I'll take it! As for the whole John Doe thing, I figured "Buck it, I'll give him a random name. What's the worst that could happen?" Apparently the worst was a whole lot of dislikes for the first impressions given. But oh well, such is the lot of my trial by fire method, putting my art out there and then waiting for the critical reception.
854023 I'm pretty sure that most of these comments, if not all of them, are just other members of this site stating their opinion. I certainly take no offense by your comment. It's a legitimate concern. Unfortunately, I'm just, as of now, incapable of bouts of inspiration long enough to write 5,000 word chapters, or more. But again, thank you for your comment, and I will try to take your advice to improve myself in the long run.
854099 Incredible! It's like...perhaps we shouldn't judge a book by its cover! Perhaps beneath the rough beginning, there's a bit of improvement as time goes on, and if you have faith, who knows, you might just stumble upon a diamond in the rough? (This is no diamond in the rough, of course. Maybe a moderately shiny rock that might intrigue a few people, but not most.) Thank you for the wishes of good luck, and I fully expect to have fun writing what I enjoy writing.
851810
DeiStar was referencing to Shelly De Killer from Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney. John Doe was a fake name that De Killer used. That gif is of Shelly De Killer/John Doe.
854114
I'm not disappointed... yet. But I've seen quite a few bad stories where the main character gives no fucks and just messes with everyone without reserve. So long as you do it decently, you'll be fine.
And I don't think you need to change the name. John Doe is fine, and I am disappoint with people who dislike a story just because of the main character's name.
854134 Moderately shiny rock? Fmgh . . . FMGH . . . BWAHAHAHAHA!!!
I cracked up at that. Nice work, dude. Nice work.
854153 I have never seen that cartoon/anime, so it makes sense that I wouldn't get the reference. Thank you for explaining it to me, as I would otherwise have no clue, haha.
854175 Well, I suppose a large degree of writing is catering to the masses...the difference between my rigid stubbornness in sticking to my first name, or changing it just because that's what people demand. I hope to not disappoint you, but I can make no solemn promises. What I write is what I write, and I can make no guarantee that it will tickle your fancy, regardless of how hard I try. I can only hope.
854196 I live to serve, and aim to please. Glad to have injected some humor into your day
854207
Dun worry abouddit. I'm not some godless critic that's going to be all "SHAMEFUR DISPRAY, COMMIT SEPPUKU". I'm sure it'll be fine.
854220 THE LAUGHS HAVE BEEN DOUBLED!!! In other words, BWAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!
