Pure Heart is going to experience a lot of new things in his life after returning to Equestria. New friends, new adventures, new enemies and the newest thing yet... Parenthood. Join in this adventure of his everlasting lifetime. No longer accepting OCs.
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I have to say... starting out with an OC married to Luna and having his foals in her womb is one jarring opening. And there are a lot of other things to work on here. There are talking heads, ping-pong-style dialogue. Thus, there's no place of space, of time, of character development about who's feeling what... it all is just thrown into a haphazard pile.
I do think that you seem to have an inherently good idea behind this, but you should probably systemically re-think things from the beginning onwards.
Oddly enough, I've actually written a similar story thing about an OC marrying Princess Luna after romancing her and then they have foals, raising them together, but you really need to realize that you're playing with fire if you're taking a Princess and an OC over to that level. You really, really, really have to detail things so that the reader gets slowly and gently led by his/her hand along the process so that the reader will accept such an extremely unlikely paring happening.
Not to be cheeky but...
A baby coming out of a womb makes the noise "POP"?!?!
Are they Pringles or something!?!
I know that I'm being negative but the underlying concept shouldn't be abandoned. You just need to work harder on this.
801018
Atleast he knows where babies come from.
801069 there was a prequel to this on fanfiction
801069 it was good but extremely rushed
801018 Um...he had an entire OTHER story that was all about the relationship building. This is the beginning of the sequel. I would dearly suggest reading that just because it is plain awesome!
802018 actually it was good that story pony split was a rushed mess in the beggining but then it grew into a good non rushed fic this though he is rushing through like a tornado
Slow down its good but your going to fast
Okay, I will try to go a bit slower. The thing is trying to incorporate all the OCs I am getting. I am still trying to progress the story, but introducing characters in a natural way is not one of my strong points. So bear with me.
Wait, if I want my OC to be in the story, what do I do?
(great story so far, by the way. just a little rushed)
822651
Shoot me a message with the template from my bio filled out.
822693
Apparently I'm really stupid... I can't find it...
iruntheinternet.com/lulzdump/images/gifs/weekendatbernies-dance-didnt-read-lol-1321498882q.jpg I'll read when I'm not so drunk
I laughed so hard when you put in Gorrillaz.
I was also listening to Clint Eastwood at the same point.
823005HA HA AH AMAZING!!!!!!!!!
847294 thankyou
if this ends up link the 'pink panther' im out of here lol
It takes an hour to explain what was told to us in the span of two or three minutes? Dafuq were they doing in that time? K, I gotta go, Cloudlight's getting jealous of Pure Heart.
858535
Aren't we all jealous of Pure Heart? And yes, it does take an hour. He basically told what he had been doing for the past 3 weeks. So if you think about it, he fit a lot of information into a small amount of time.
858148
And no, it is not a pink panther reference. I didn't even think about the pink panther until someone on fanfiction commented about it like that.
I can't wait for more.
Aaannnddd there goes my inner Twilight....again. Eh, what ya goin' ta do about it.
871109
Yeah, they are. Look at the OC List Blog I have on the main page.
What if my OC is kinda from the Apocalyptic wastelands?
933017
Don't worry. I have a few OCs that are coming from a similar situation. So now would be the best time to submit OCs from a place like that.
Kat Scratch… relative of Vinyl's?
Jk jk. Great storyline So far… I wondering how all these OCs are gonna tie into the climax.
935075
You and me both.
But seriously, that is the challenge that I knew I would be taking on with all these OCs. And I like a challenge.
Hmm...I think I spotted a Shadowbane/Maim reference in there. Oh well. Can't wait for next chapter.
947236
You did? Where? Has my subconscious been screwing with me?
953234 "No one else in the village knew what had happened except that there was a dark stallion that had been looking for a place to stay."
Unless i'm mistaken (I probably am though) that sounds an awful lot like a certain lazy shadowmancer. Is that a real word, shadowmancer? Screw it, as of right now it is officially a word.
957222
If you think about it, "a certain lazy shadowmancer", does not sound like somepony who would kill somepony after being given a place to laze around in for a day. Of course, that is where a certain enegetic shadow would come in. But, no. I don't want him as a villain, more of a anti-hero. Really, more of just a hero with a dark side. Like Batman.
959539 Hmm...A dark hero. I like that. has a nice ring to it. And I agree, while he may not be a killer, his shadow is a whole other story. Doesn't change the fact that I can't wait for the next chapter.
960166
Don't worry, he will make his star appearance in the next chapter.
Oh joy. I wonder what fresh hell Maim shall wreak. *insert diabolical laugh here*
(I'd have used a batter emote for the diabolical laugh thing, but this was the best they had)
964099 how long have you been on fim fiction it ticked me off having to browse through 9000 storys on fanfiction
I have 2 comments.
1.) Fuck. You. Hydra.
2.) I'm overjoyed. I'm glad I finally get to see my OC in the story. Even though it came at the very end of this chapter I'm still happy as can be. Also: Pure Heart is now as old as dirt.
Looking forward to seeing what happens next. Um... quick question though...
Was the unconscious unicorn the one who was doing the shouting earlier?
975222
It was not. It will be explained in the next chapter. But that won't be until next week.
973432
If you check my profile, it will say I have been on fimfiction for a little over 18 weeks or something.
977727 goddamnit I am going to ri-*boom* oh I'm sorry I just dropped the fuck I was about to give
977727
Bouncy Bouncy! FreeDom fighters!
FOREVER FREE IN THE EVERFREE RANDOM CRAP LIKE DIS
But nice touch!
Why wasn't I informed about this God made work early?
987828
Huh? I have no idea what that means. Thanks though!
update please.
1064005
Sorry about that, been really busy. But I hope to have the next chapter up by today, no promises though. Once again, I am truly sorry for the delay.
1073871 Is cool bro. Take as long as you need.
Emote time
wow even more random than usual. I LIKE it!
*yay*
Those are tears of joy. Perfect portrayal.
I've got a question... who's watching the kids?
not much is there, huh. well this chapter was sure funny, I hope to see a new one soon.
1075165
OH CRAP!
D'aww
Why does this remind me of MY OC who will also be in the story.......