My Deathwish

by nioniosbbbb

Τετέλεσται

“Why…” comes the question.“Why damn you...” There is a pause, as he hesitates to say what he has in mind.

“Why do you continue to fight?” There is a lack of understanding that I know all too well. But I don’t bother with it. I don’t care.

I spring forth, my hooves aching with disobedient will. I don’t care for the pain, I don’t mind it. I don’t even mind the imminent threat of death that my body warns me about.

I attack. Magic, claw, spear, and dirt. I use everything I have. I don’t really want to win… I don’t really want to hurt him.

But this is the only way I feel alive.

My body aches, my blood spills. I do not mind the pain, nor the spear that now pierces my shoulder. But I see my blood and I smile.

“I am alive…”

“What?!” He flinches and I look back at him with fangs glinting with blood, and eyes glowing blue with life. I smash his spear in half, and with a strong kick I shove him back.

“Thank you… thank you.” I say with a low voice, smiling. “T-th…” A cold shiver runs down my spine as feelings rush my head. Thoughts that I never considered possible. I grit my teeth and roar once again as I charge. He blocks me, his hold fragile and weak. He is disturbed, I know, for I see it in the slits inside his eyes.

So am I…

I don’t have time to think about this more. Our fight continues. I laugh, a disturbing cackle of maddening joy fills me, the insanity of battle brings life to my hollow mind, it fills my empty heart.

Do I even care about his family? His parents? His loved ones, or his friends? Do they even cross my mind as I attempt to ravage what they hold dear? As I attempt to selfishly sever that connection and claim it as my own, just to be able to feel alive for another second?

I am hollow, empty, and lost. Yet these feelings rush in my mind for moments at a time.

I envy him. He fears for his life, he feels sad, he feels scared. My heart knows no such emotion. Not that I think I have a heart to begin with.

I wonder, my eyes see everything that there is. Hatred, Fear, Happiness, Joy, Courage. They flow in the sky like streams of mana.

What is a heart?

Does it lie beneath his white coat? Or perhaps it’s beneath his blue mane?

His hooves pound on my chest and I am sent flying into the walls of the barracks. He rushes towards the weapon stack and grabs a shield with a purple star on it - the same as his cutie mark. He grips it, that disturbed expression still on his face as I recover.

And then it strikes me.

Throughout all the fight there is one feeling towards me that I didn’t notice. One white stream flowing from him, to me. He wants to knock me out. I am going to kill him, I’m going to tear him apart and he… he…

He wants to show mercy.

“You… you IDIOT!” I scream. Green fire envelops my body, he sees my pink and purple mane, and my crystal heart cutie mark. He shakes for a second and I grab my chance. He bites his lips, his heart now a maelstrom of confusion.

He barely raises his shield to my crescent green blast of magic. And then he asks again, the thing I don’t wish to hear, the thing I hate the most.

“Why?”

Please…sweet mother of mercy don’t ask again.

“Why?”

I beg of you…don’t do it.

“Why! You have lost already, why this? Why? WHY!”

“BECAUSE I WANT TO DIE!”

He gasps and I launch blast, after blast, after blast. They crash hopelessly on his shield, his magic reinforcing it.

That’s right… I don’t care if I die here, I actually want to die. I want to die in combat, I want to die alive.

That’s why we feast on love, why we feast on emotions. Because we have none of our own. We fill our hearts with stolen life and stolen hearts in order to feel alive. Sometimes we even devour our own to do so. Anything… anything to know what this thing they call “love” is. The most selfish, the most hungry among us will sometimes rise. That’s why we followed her. She had the ego, the ability, and the hunger to fill that gap, if only for a little while.

We never fooled ourselves into thinking that she was noble, that we deserve salvation, and that never changed. We followed the strongest hunger because the strongest hunger granted us better fights. She granted us what fate never gave us.

Life, and strength.

I don’t know how much time I was pounding on his magic shield but I was interrupted by a door being bashed open. I turned to see her, clad in a red aura of anger.

I smile. Horn, wings, crown and a crescent moon cutie mark. My eyes glint with joy. I know for certain that she is strong. I can feel it in my trembling bones, I can feel it in the darkness that now spreads as I fly recklessly towards her, charging to my death.

She is strong, she will grant my wish.

I wish for death. A death while I’m still alive, while I still feel that lingering emotion. For my last breath to be taken before I even reach the ground.

“Haha… ahahha… AHAHAHAHAHAHHA!” I cackle. I can’t wait! I feel it… it envelops me.

I have absolutely no regrets. This is an honorable death against a strong opponent. I feel happy. I feel it…

I feel it...

I...

Author's Note:

The chapter title means "It's over". I wrote this because I wanted to at least write one thing before I started my exams. I've been slacking my way with videogames far too much. I'll cut down after the exams.

Will be edited later.

Comments

[PurpleAcid]

wow thats so sad seen from this point of view
tho for being what he is i can understand what he has gone through

[nioniosbbbb]

7257883 This was sort of inspired by the Hollows in Bleach and Nnoitra's words. Perhaps Ulquiorra's too. I don't exactly watch the whole anime but I am aware of the story.

Btw this isn't meant to be a great story of quality and whatever. So I apologize for that. Nevertheless if you like it thanks for the feedback!

[PurpleAcid]

7257903 well it leaves questions like what happened before this
and gives ok but could use more detail to what's going on
but otherwise it hits the feels

[nioniosbbbb]

7257933 Largely speaking it doesn't matter much. It's just froufrou stuff that don't add any substance. True I might have had to say where they are, or when, and how they got there but... let's just say I leave that up to you. As is up to you guys if you want to continue it.

[Level Dasher]

Interesting. Sad and just a tiny bit disturbing, but interesting. Nice job.

[The Sexy Barbarian]

Great story, really interesting look at how a changeling might feel.

[nioniosbbbb]

7258013
7258014 Thanks guys. Really appreciated. You guys are free to do with this little tidbit anything you like.

[nioniosbbbb]

7258014
7258013
7257933 Something about this. This isn't clear if he dies in the end so if someone wants to take the story and write his own, or write a sequel of a prequel or whatever you guys are free to do so. I deliberately left almost everything open here and gave as little info as possible. "She" could not even be Chrysalis for that matter. Just food for thought.

[Level Dasher]

7258070 Like you said, you've got a lot open to do with this what we would, but I just don't have the time. I've got one story I'm already working on that has my full attention at the moment. I hope someone else can take this gem you've started and turn it into something good, since you've given permission.

[nioniosbbbb]

7258089 It's cool. Ty btw.

[Level Dasher]

7258110 You're welcome. Here's hoping the write righter right writer comes along. *raises glass*

[Fluttersherp]

First of all, great story. The way you develop the unknown life of a lone changeling is quite fascinating and enjoyable. So, I was thinking of starting up a Youtube channel separate from the one I already have where I want to start doing fanfiction readings, and I wanted to know if you would be alright with me reading it on the channel?

[nioniosbbbb]

7261339 Sure whatever you think. As I said below you guys are free to do with this whatever you will. So long as I get credit for the idea/original that's totally fine. I got more works if you like. Anyway keep in touch.

[Fluttersherp]

7262318 All right, thank you. I will most definitely be giving you credit. I'll tell you when the video goes up. By the way, it's not going to be that good, just as a warning. I'm just starting so I won't be having like voice actors or anything. Thank you again.

[nioniosbbbb]

7262369 You're welcome to try your best.

[Wind of the Skies]

good but its just a oneshot. it would be awesome to give it more.

[nioniosbbbb]

7270423 Well it happens. Maybe I'll do something about it later. But you guys are free to do with this whatever you like.

[Bookworm217]

The title translates to It is Done, i think.

[nioniosbbbb]

9305341
Precisely. Greek my native language and this is ancient Greek.

[Bookworm217]

9306060
Thanks cool!

[nioniosbbbb]

9306346
Anytime.

[nioniosbbbb]

9613216
Yeah... it's heavy.

[GrandAdmiral MitthRawN]

Ελα ρε πατριωτη!

[nioniosbbbb]

9867663
Ola kala esu?

[GrandAdmiral MitthRawN]

9867713
μια χαρα πολυ καλη ιστοριουλα

[nioniosbbbb]

9867727
Euxaristw.