• Member Since 12th Dec, 2012
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nioniosbbbb


I am Dennis I come from Greece. I am 28 currently and I have finished computer engineering.

T
Source

In an Alternate version of the Canterlot wedding Queen Chrysalis comes to Canterlot to get what she wants, and that thing apprently... is not conquest... it's the other half of her soul... Cadence. (One shot)

Many thanks to THIS AWESOME GUY! for being an awesome editor of awesomely awesomeness.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 91 )

It would most certainly be interesting to see what happens next. I get the image in my head of a pleasantly surprised Shining Armour when he finds out his wife has suddenly become a competent strategist and adequate assistant or partner in his military duties. The other side of the equation that now Amora has a bit of a temper or such would be interesting to deal with, I don't think we've ever seen Cadence really get angry before.

Still, a sequel would also need a solid narrative to carry it. Alternatively could make it a series of short Slice of Life chapters playing around with how this has changed things. Either way I'll be looking forward to what you tern out. :twilightsmile:

5024718 Well what if i told you that Amora had friends from before? Plus we got Sombra and the whole other debacles. Like "forced reformation spell" Discord.

5104939 And i approve of Black Jesus ((basically i don't care what color he is))

I'd love to see this universe continued!

5229894 You might just get your wish.

Yeah, I want what 5229894 said. Great story. I would like to know what happened to the Flutter ponies as well.^^

5284073 :D YAY! Well i might release a teaser soon.

What time is it? Review time? Already?

~:ajsmug:

An interesting, for sure. There was the fact that 'I' kept being 'i' instead, which bugged (heh) the hell out of me. Other than that, this was intriguing.

Rating::trixieshiftright::trixieshiftright::trixieshiftright: and a half/5

Fave Line:

"You won't get away with this! Twilight and her friends will..."

Final Verdict: So if they have sex, is it considered a threesome?

5326517 I could make your wish come true. .. *giggle* Damn I thought I corrected all these errors. Oh well. What I wanted was to give a Lex Luthor kind of vibe XD.

Thinking of continuation. Interested?

5326570 Oh yes. This definitely needs a continuation.

And sex. There should always be sex.

5326825 Maybe I'll do a clopshot chapter later. Havent tried that one keep your eyes open.

Ah yes, this would explain why she and her race need love so much...

5326933 Do it and send me a link when it's done

5326941 To be honest I see emotions for changelings also being a power source. Also how did you read it so fast?

Nice job!
I was gripped from the start as it was an interesting spin.

5345266 XD Well that makes me happy! Welp any impression wishes suggestions?

Well.

That was.

Yeah.

Nah. No thanks. It was so deux ex machina that it hurt. And "No, no. It's both of us!" Is bull. It was obviously cadance. There was no MIX there. You showed ONE incident of difference between cadance and the new one. ONE. Everything else screamed of cadance. So yeah. I really didn't like it.

So, there ya go. You asked me to take a look at it and I did.

Comment posted by nioniosbbbb deleted Dec 5th, 2014

5346992 Actually i deleted my last comment in favor of a more comprehensive response. You believe that Chrysalis and Cadence have shared characteristics now inside Amora. That is NOT the case. This is just a Cadence with a bit of Chrysalis in her. An arbitrary analogy in percetages would be 75% Cadence 25% Chrysalis. The thing is i never said that this was about being somewhere in the middle of good and evil. This was about being able to CHOOSE between good and evil. Cadence as i said in the fic was not a good pony because she strived to be one. The only choice she had was to be good, and that she was. Until the point of ACW we don't have much to go on in gestures, movements, or catchphrases other than that weird dance to actually tell us who Cadence is. There is little characterization for her. Granted i don't do much to fix that either but i do something nonetheless. In any case i'm still quite happy on how this came out besides the few errors in showing and telling that it has right now. Nothing is going to change so easily because of one negative review or whatever.

However a question remains:This can go on in a sequel and explore this. Do you think it deserves one?

5347281

I'm a poor person to ask that since I really didn't like the story much. It all came off as trite. Not to mention you basically killed the best villian in it. :/

But putting my bias towards Chryssi aside. No. I do not believe so. It was a condensed story with an overly obvious deus ex machina. They're already "Oh it's you!" *hug, kiss, yadda, yadda* there's really not much to build off aside from "oh you're slightly different! Oh, it's okay. We love you anyway" and that'd get old quick. The only REAL thing to build off would be ruling the flutterponies and that's really all I can see that would be remotely interesting.

Sorry if I come off harsh but I'm going on hardly any sleep because they're doing friggin railroad construction across the road AT TWO IN THE MORNING and work was the worst it's been in months. So...yeah. That's my bit. Going to bed now.

5347382 Yea... maybe it needed double the length to be legitimate. Also Deus Ex Machina? How. I still don't quite grasp the DEM thingie.

5347385

something that pops up and saves the day. The whole "She found her determination" thing. It's just meh. I mean, she just found it and boom. Everything is fine now, she stays in control and everyone is happy. I may be a bit rash in calling it a DEM but that's how it felt to me. The moment I read the line I physically groaned due to how it felt to me.

5347391 Well how else would it make sense? I mean it's a mental battle not something... well look you must look at it as the length of a one shot. I mean it was intended to be one. Now if i continue it i don't know. I am tempted to make a romance clopshot of Amora and Shining. It'll be... spicy.

you should do a sequel! this was a very good oneshot, i would love to see more :twilightsmile:

5347923 Hmmm how does a romance clopshot before the official continuation sound?

5347395

Yeah. But it was hardly a battle at all.
It was ONE paragraph. That's not really much of a battle. it was more "Struggle, DETERMANATION, victory"
That's it.
Also as my two cents a clopfic wouldn't work as a sequel to this since this one had no hints of clop nor anything of the sort. you'd be jumping from "T" to "A" (Ha. T and A. I'm so mature) with one sequel. It might work as a side story but not a full fledged sequel. A sequel should be something to push the story forward. But it's up to you. I'm just giving my thoughts.

5348186 I see so it was short i get it. In all sincerity i may revisit this. Also things are volatile. Maybe i'll just make it a sequel and rewrite it as a new Romance story with Amora and attempt to reconnect with Equestria.

Pros:
Finally a back story on the changelings. In the whole wedding ep., I wondered why Cadence knew about them and yet everyone was in a fog about what they were. An alicorn of love and a creature of lust introduced at the same time? That was seemingly too perfect to happen. The pacing is good, though a little bit rushed around with the changelings transforming into flutter ponies.
Cons:
Celestia ripped the soul out of another creature? That would go against her ethics, IMO. She's always seen to be so caring and loving, for her to do that almost seems OOC. I think you could have put more into the whole flutter ponies helping everyone out part. They were just destroying everything and then do a complete u-turn and help rebuild. Why would Chrysalis tell them to destroy if she knew she was going to reunite with Cadence?

5382912 The thing is I didn't mention they were destroying the town. They were capturing ponies. Second of all Celestia didn't rip apart the Soul of anyone. She was protecting Cadence. She encountered her and adopted her... Let's be honest. Which is more possible? That Chrysalis wants to abduct Cadence and conquer Canterlot or that she's here to take back her soul? Occam's Razor theory ftw! Simplest solution best solution.

5382954
Whoops, misread that part. I thought it was Celestia, not Discord. But the changelings were raising heck around Canterlot. The came down like green meteors attacking the mane 6. I do have to ask, will the crystal empire arc be effected by this as well as the rest of the nobility? She's not really the same princess as before.

5382976 Yes they had to hurry... she was getting desperate. Oh yes... favorite the story and you might as well have a teaser about the reactions of the public soon. :)

5382986
Already in my "Bug Collection" bookshelf.

Nice me likes, have a follow :pinkiehappy:

Hmm... very interesting take on Cadance's origin. I like, I like.

5939100 Could be better tbh

revealing the Elements of Harmony,escorted by her changelings.

Need a space here.

Before the bindings were able to advance into more solid forms to nullify her magic

Double space

the only Alicorn that wasn't nullified completely during Chrysalis' invasion.

Luna wasn't nullified, just forgotten about and she spent the time making up lost sleep.

her face forming an expression of utter disgust . Once she made sure Cadence was totally free

Unneeded space.

A purple heart formed from the slight glow on horn, falling upon Shining's face.

Double space

said Chrysalis with her glowing horn pointing at Celestia and Luna, trapped in the pods behind them.

Damn, foiled again by sleep.

Cadence came to be your mentor's "niece". I suppose she used her political power to mask her true identity

Only use single quotes since the sentences are already in quotes.

Don't fight it.You'll be much better soon enough.

Space

and that part of her now stood before her in all her dark magic prowess and glory.

Double space

and even if myname would be different I am still Cadence!

I think "my name" is two words.

As she opened her green eyes she saw everypony scrutinizing her top to bottom, speechless.

Double space. To fix all these, you can just use Control + F to find double spaces.

Her voice had the confidence of Queen Chrysalis...

Cause these things are everywhere, I am gonna just stop pointing them out.

Figuring as i’m neither Metis, nor Cadence, nor Chrysalis now.

Capitalize

she looked at Twilight, then Shining, the rest of the Elements, then the Princesses.

Capitalize.

This was good, but I don't see a reason for the Dark tag. I was expecting things to not finish up so cleanly, also felt that the ending was rushed in a way. Lot of details glossed over after the spell finished and changelings became flutterponies.

6085084

Luna wasn't nullified, just forgotten about and she spent the time making up lost sleep.

This has never been confirmed. And it is also highly unlikely. In this world I believe Luna was surprised by Chrysalis's soldiers moments after she revealed herself. She actually gave the signal early when Cadance escaped.

This was good, but I don't see a reason for the Dark tag. I was expecting things to not finish up so cleanly, also felt that the ending was rushed in a way.

It's better than the original draft let me tell you that. You didn't get anything past the transformation in the original.

I am generally thinking of rewritting this.

Lot of details glossed over after the spell finished and changelings became flutterponies.

A lot of these details are also not needed. Simple version of this spell includes gorgins one's self with love to harmonize the two parts of the soul. Think of love as fuel to open the forge that will smelt those souls together.

As for the Flutterponies I will say that they were "overshadowed" by Chrysalis's influence. She partly had the powers of chaos at her side. She is VERY powerful. A similar thing to this transformation would be the Smiths exploding in the end and ppl returning to normal. I was thinking of that when they transformed.

Will rewrite eventually. Do keep in touch.

6085406

A lot of these details are also not needed.

I know it isn't needed, but it feels as if the pace of the story increases after this point and it just felt rushed to me; like you were racing to the end. I felt like there was a build up to this but then the climax wasn't as high as I was expecting and the resolution too quick.

Will rewrite eventually. Do keep in touch.

I don't even know how to keep in touch! So here is a staring match over a muffin.

i.imgur.com/vRJIf8H.jpg

6086632

I know it isn't needed, but it feels as if the pace of the story increases after this point and it just felt rushed to me; like you were racing to the end. I felt like there was a build up to this but then the climax wasn't as high as I was expecting and the resolution too quick.

Well in all honesty the original draft was a self-competition to see how much I can write with a time limit. And how well... It was written in 3 and a half hours of Insomnia and as I said the resolution thingie in the end didn't even exist then.

In ANY case... if you do want to "keep in touch" per say you can like/fav/track this story and/or follow me.

I'll start off by saying that this story could use some work. Anyway, I do have a few things to mention. I felt as though it was a bit exposition heavy at times, though that may be due to the story's premise and how it is basically an alternate ending to "A Canterlot Wedding". The exposition serves its purpose, though it does feel a bit much. Lastly, there were some instances where I felt it read a little funny. It's something I struggle with as well, though one way to combat this is to read what you wrote out loud.

While it's not my cup of tea, it's something I can see some people liking, and some tweaks regarding the aforementioned sentence structure and the use of exposition and characterization can help in this story and in your future writings. I wish you the best of luck on your future projects! :twilightsmile:

6254002 As I said I was considering on rewriting it. Word of advice. Read my lowest likes stories. They have the most quality.

Oh, yeah! I really enjoyed this! Good read and wonderful, original concept. I loved it! :twilightsmile:

You, good sir, get an upvote, a favorite and ten Internets! :pinkiehappy:

6382223 yay! I might delve more into this.

6382226

I hope you do. It's good stuff! My only regret is that I didn't read it sooner.

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