• Member Since 12th Dec, 2012
  • offline last seen 38 minutes ago

nioniosbbbb


I am Dennis I come from Greece. I am 29 currently and I have finished computer engineering.

T
Source

((This fic isn't all anthro but there will be anthro parts. Also last chapter shall have some humans))
Selune Darkeye lives a life full of surprises. One day she falls to sleep, and then it begins... a series of challenges.

Fight your fears.

Break through the maze.

Duel...

Love!

Strike a pose.

Steal your prize!

One thing is certain. None of the challengers shall be the same after these challenges.
((3rd place in GodOfBBQ's OC Hunger Games contest season 2))
Many thanks to The Loyal Patriot for being an awesome friend giving me tons of support.
Lucky Stars belongs to Gumball2.
Cambiato drew the semi-finals art.
Sabien belongs to Grey Mane. Many thanks for your support buddy!
Many thanks to my editors NorrisThePony and Kildeez.

Chapters (10)
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Comments ( 69 )

oc, anthro... now that's a tough combination to get reads on. Props for writing the whole thing before publishing - there are too many fics that are keeping me waiting.

6806128 As I said in the description only parts of this are anthro and they are written anthro as per the theme of the challenge. However I have nothing against anthro itself. Retrospectively I am going to remove the anthro tag as it is not entirely true. What do you think? Also there's going to be some humans in the end. So should I tag it human? Also it will touch the subject of sex but not have sex in and out of itself. That good or bad?

Having read this... I reserve judgement so far, but it is good enough that I will keep reading.

“WHO DISRESPECTS THE NIGHT OF THE PRINCESS LIKE THIS!?”

Is this supposed to be a question? Also, be careful about switching subject mid-sentence. it sounds weird sometimes.

6806179

Also, be careful about switching subject mid-sentence.

I don't follow. Sorry I'm Greek. The "!?" is supposed to show frustration.

6806137 No idea at this stage. Is the character's name a part of the challenge?

6806189 ah.

ok, so skip the question mark. As for my other comment,

Sitting quietly on her haunches, her purple eyes wandered over to the table with the lamp

It kind of sounds like her eyes were sitting quietly on her haunches. :rainbowderp:

6806193 Nope. It's an OC of mine. The first one I took a bit more seriously. http://www.fimfiction.net/blog/449213/read-this-with-a-calm-mind You will need this.
6806203 I corrected this. How about now?

You are more than welcome for the support, now for me to start reading.

6806281 The readability was average at best. You often change subjects in the middle of the sentence and with your dialogue it's hard to tell who's actually speaking. The actual story and idea was great and could make for a really good scare fic, but you might want to have someone proofread this to make it easier to read.

6806415 Well I do have an editor on this one. So... that's sorta ironic.

I have a problem with this line:

She was awake, she didn’t remember where she was, and there was a place she didn’t remember where she got from. She was in a dream.

The word "came" should be used instead of "got" and also the flow of the sentence makes it tough to understand.

Try this:
She was awake, but she didn't know where she was or where she came from. She realized she was in a dream.
There's also this line right here:

a serpent that crawled in circles all around her, enveloping her in its claws.

Serpents don't have claws, try coils instead.

Also, for some reason it says Selune's form turned into energy after she stabbed the serpent with a conjured blade, then the serpent suddenly became a unicorn of darkness. It's unclear why Selune's form turned into energy or why the Serpent suddenly became a unicorn.

Who is speaking during this line?

“WHO DISRESPECTS THE NIGHT OF THE PRINCESS LIKE THIS!”

It's at the start of a new paragraph, after the creature was speaking and with the flow of dialogue it's hard to imagine Selune or the creature speaking this line. It's almost like there's another character entirely.

“You aren’t simply my fear of darkness. You are my fear of the unknown, and only wits and will can conquer you.” The creature’s form started dissipating into thin air.

Make sure you make it known that Selune is speaking first, and write down the creatures actions in the next line.

It was great to read it once again, and I can't wait to take the time to read the next chapter.

6806761 Awesome.
6806663 Proceeding to correct.

6806663 I think I clearly said at one point that she used a combination of "Simularcum" and "Camouflage". Anyone who has played Dungeons and Dragons will understand that simularcum creates a physical clone of Selune's form and Camouflage does what the word says.

I will however explain it. Bottom line though is that Selune tricked the creature while backstabbing it later.

It was great working with you on this as well.

It was a good fight but Selune was clearly the more experienced of the two, all and all I have to say Lucky Stars put up a hell of a fight and more than earned a pat on the back and a congratulations.

hmm... We are slowly getting some answers. If more people commented, there would probably be a discussion now over what exactly does GOP stand for in the story.

Some nitpicking:

1 What was the deal with replacing the power source? It was like a battery. Shouldn't simply removing it shut everything down?
2 Also, watch out for things like "he told her that..." unless the character himself is storytelling. You're here to tell a story, not tell about the story.
3 I see some problems with punctuation, but I suck at it myself, so I can't adivice you here.
4 The kick in the crotch thing won't work unless this scene is anthro

I was to say that Sabien doesn't seem very pony-like, but then I realised a lot of my OCs do it too. :twilightsheepish:

6812623 think of it sort of like a pressure mine.

6812623 GOB is GodOfBBQ, the contest holder who brought the two of us together for the collaboration of this chapter.

6813988
6806128
6806415 Guys check out the latest blogpost about this and please help!

It was wonderful to read and see how it all came to an end, kinda makes me want to share the first challenge that my OC went through. Eh... maybe not, all and all though this was great.

6818101 Was there something special in here? Like I would like to know your thoughts on how I portrayed Selune on the last 3 challenges and how I wrote the Merc guy seeing as we wrote each other's char in that chapter.

6818758 There was nothing that really pointed itself out to me, or at least nothing I caught but I can go back and read the last three chapters and see if it does.

6819155 I dunno... What were your thoughts about Selune's insecurities in the semi finals? About going cold in the last challenge?

6819182 I'd have to re-read that later today, as of right now I'm taking my grandmother out for a bit and won't be back till some time this after noon. But don't worry I will give you my complete thoughts on it.

The mention of the book could have appeared earlier. I spent half the chapter wondering how she knows what antropomorphic is. (also, until the end I was not sure how exactly they looked, especially when hoof was mentioned in the fight - was it supposed to be an arm or a leg?) was the audience antropomorphic too, or not?

In general, her new shape and how she copes with it could use some more attention. Since the chapter purposefully starts in medias res, perhaps some sort of flashback would work.

be careful with describing emotions of a person who is not our point of view character.

I like how different you can make each chapter by exploring different themes.

I was wondering why you published everything at once, but I found your blog. Pity. :twilightoops:

6819555 Yea... I am not that good with descriptions. I mostly try deductive reasoning when describing another's emotions to avoid "Show don't tell" mistakes.

Hmm...

So, during the last three days, I've been trapped in darkness with an incarnation of my worst fears, trapped in a maze, almost burned alive, strapped with explosives and forced to beat the shit out of a complete stranger. Now that my tormentor is taking a break, it's time to relax with a drink or two.

The idea seems utterly ridiculous, but it looks like you've managed to make it work.

The trials are now referred to as "the challenge". Let';s see where this goes.

Also the chapter made me think of how I write my own ponies. Somehow it is easier to me to imagine them killing ech other than swearing.

Okay first thing when it came to the first try and second try at the photo shoot this came to mind.

Second few quotes for Selune: “Why are you trying so hard to fit in when you were born to stand out?”
― Ian Wallace

“You’ll learn, as you get older, that rules are made to be broken. Be bold enough to live life on your terms, and never, ever apologize for it. Go against the grain, refuse to conform, take the road less traveled instead of the well-beaten path. Laugh in the face of adversity, and leap before you look. Dance as though EVERYBODY is watching. March to the beat of your own drummer. And stubbornly refuse to fit in.”
― Mandy Hale, The Single Woman: Life, Love, and a Dash of Sass

“So you're a little weird? Work it! A little different? OWN it! Better to be a nerd than one of the herd!”
― Mandy Hale

It was great to see how well you worked her into a state where Selune was at her quote unquote weakest mentally and emotionally, and for her to come out of it as she did worked well.

6820245 I loved the chapter myself because I felt I was partly at least similar when I was younger. I didn't have anything weird but I still wasn't too into the things people did. I honestly thought many of them were jackasses.

I only made 2 real friends from school. 2 brothers.

Oh my OC would have had fun with this challenge.

“Man is not, by nature, deserving of all that he wants. When we think that we are automatically entitled to something, that is when we start walking all over others to get it.”
― Criss Jami, Diotima, Battery, Electric Personality

“Nine out of ten politicians are thieves. The tenth politician is a liar, and the one who conducted the survey.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

“We’re a different sort of thief here, Lamora. Deception and misdirection are our tools. We don’t believe in hard work when a false face and a good line of bullshit can do so much more.”
― Scott Lynch, The Lies of Locke Lamora

It was great to read it but one question I have is this, when she cast the spell for the glitter after finding the saucer why didn't she cast a sleep spell? If remaining undetected was key and she took care of the surveillance then putting the room to sleep would have been more adequate. Or where there far too many in the room for her to try that?

It was wonderful to see that in some way Selune gets what she wished for even if she didn't win, though one can't help but question the multiverse and ask if this is just one timeline where they get what they want? And if that is the case then what happens to Selune in the timeline where her wish remains unanswered? Answers for another time perhaps if that timeline does exist, over all it was a great read and worth taking the time to follow all the way through.

As a heads up I've added this to the group Fighting is Magic, not much happens in that group but I know a few readers are there looking for something entertaining.

6821346 Thanks! Well it's why I tend to avoid alternative timelines.
6821262 She's more of an illusionist. A sleep spell would be enchantment and thus out of her expertise.

She could try it but it would be hard.

Ooh, be careful with an omnipotent antagonist. It is an interesting theme to explore, but when it doesn't work, it causes audience apathy.

(whether it worked here or not is a matter of personal taste)

6824179 GOB is GodOfBBQ the user. Say he is a referee/the organiser of this. Also he's not my creation.

I'm surprised. It started as such an oddball chapter, and in the end you did make it work. Love or hate your work, one cannot say that you are not versatile. :ajsmug:

6824312 Well this chapter was a great opportunity for me. I thought it was my best submission.

Hmm. what prevents him from just snapping his fingers to get it back?(he mentioned beurocracy, but that was pretty vague)
Is it all just for the sake of the game? (or, more importantly, how was he forced to flee and leave it behind despite all his power? If he's capable of getting drunk in the first place, that means he isn't completely invulnerable. Perhaps he isn't as omnipotent as he's advertising... :trixieshiftright:)

The paragraph that describes him has some strange language at times.

So, onto the finale! :rainbowdetermined2:

6827429 It's because I wrote it together with GodOfBBQ I suppose. Dunno.

I finally Got into this thing. It Got lost in the faves - the site's stability is laughable.

First chaper is stinking with anime. Oh well, It still enjoyable.

6962464 I am guilty of being heavily influenced by anime at times. Sorry about this. I try to keep it in moderation.

6962688 It wasn't that Bad. A low-tier ninja trick made stuff intresting and It was partally connected to Selune's talent, so no harm yet.

What hurts me is that epic (and in this case cheesy) speech that Darkeye sends to the nightmare in the First chapter. Such seriousnesss, resolve and fanatism is put in the latter chapter for a bunch of reasons. Here it's plain wierd and outta place, but...
But...
Butt...

I can't say it's not unique.

Now I hope you doń't mind me leaving a comment Under each chapter. And I have hopes for that sex tag 'cause I feel giddy tonight. I blame the dull moon aka. Luna's Ass.

Some funny stuff, some cool free myth-based story and a riddle atop of that. A good chapter in my opinion.

Nice chapter, me likey.

You know what? This Merc guy is the remarkable opposide of my main OC. The only simlarities are:
-they both have a knack for Killing and wrecking studf
-They both have their respective careers ended
-mr. M was born in a minę, while UA's home Town was part of a minę a few kilometers Under the ground.

Unwitting Armaggeddon is a crystal pony from the north who worked for Sombra of His free will and enslaved ponies he manager to not kill.

Merccanus is a pegasus from the south who was a Loyalist Royal Guard, Then a commando and now a mercenary who killed ponies to sustain himself.

6963057 That's ok. Tbh this is not the only story with Selune and if this is your first time encountering her then obviously you are going to find some things that are strange.

Imma leave individual comments on each of yours.

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