- Member Since 3rd Jun, 2013
- offline last seen Feb 4th, 2023
Penmore
"If you only write when you're inspired you'll be a fairly decent poet, but you'll never be a novelist."
Penmore
Joined 3rd Jun, 2013 ·
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Great chapter I can't wait to known what happen next
RotMG?
6978931
Thanks for reading the story so far. I hope I can meet your expectations with the chapters to come.
6980140
I'm not sure what RotMG is, can you clarify?
6980188 "Realm of the Mad God" which is an online video game that features monsters and the like... I thought the fic was a reference to it for a moment
6980380
Ah, no sorry. It might be that it came from the same place but, the source of my inspiration is from a lot of different places. I'm trying to make it interesting and entertaining. Thanks for letting me know though, I'll look into it since it seems similar.
great chapther cant wait what happens next. Will Sunset learn any new spell?
7005898
Well, I have a lot of stuff planned for both Sunset and Spike and I definitely want her to know some since she is the resident unicorn and all. As to when that'll actually happen, you just have to wait and see.
This seems to be a crossover, however i have no idea what it's crossing over with. A brief blurb stating the series this is crossing over with would be very much appreciated.
Great job mate. Keep up the good work.
Demure Signing Off
P.s. Can't wait for the next chapter.
I want to like it, I really do. The idea is interesting, and Twilight was pretty well written. And for the amount of worldbuilding you do it manages not to intrude too much (Discordian MMORPG, now that's a combo) and stay fairly coherent.
Unfortunately the side was rather let down by the actual main characters. In a pinch I cam accept Spike became ruthless and callous not only because of the brutal world but also how dragons grow as seen in Secrets of my Excess - I suppose cruelty and anthropophagynbeing the main driver for his growth would turn him savage, to say nothing of whatever devotion to a chaos god might do to him. He could be improved but it isn't a game-breaker.
But Sunset. Sunset here is a panicky, whiny, petty and self-centred little damsel in distress (twice already!), and showed all the wrong initiative amd none of the adaptability, courage and wit she is supposed to have. Disorientation and shock can only explain so much, she's been here for quite some time. And the pity is there are moments when she almost work, only to slip away once more into this creature that wears Sunset's skin.
I am going to stick with this for a few more chapters to give it the benefit of the doubt. I do sincerely hope it finds its pace.
PS feel free to PM me if you wish for a more detailed review that doesn't clutter up the comment thread.
7321027
First off, thank you for the praise. The story is definitely one of the first attempts at making a full-length story and I spent a long time trying to world build. Spike, I agree, can be improved with certain things being done but the fact remains that he is a dragon. Not only a dragon but a young bipedal dragon with intelligence far beyond his years due to (in my view) Twilight teaching him everything she could. So while he will he does have allegiance to a mad god and that'll come into play later it's hard for me to think of ways to improve him while not making him OP as it's one aspect in otherworld stories that I hate about main characters. It's a good thing to make them OP if it was more comedy than drama, dark, or tragedy but it's not something I want to do with this story.
Second, Sunset is... well, I love her character and I agree with your assessment of her personality. Unfortunately, it's because of her character that (to me) it's a bit of a challenge to write. I get that she can take initiative and adapt to pretty much all types of situations but I take into account that she only knows Spike in this place. She doesn't know any of the languages, can't read any of the books, has no knowledge of the terrain, can't use her magic, and the only weapon she has (so far) is the dragon tooth Spike gave her. While that would more than be enough of a game changer, I don't want it to just be something she relies on heavily. I'll take the criticism to heart and do my best to make her be the Sunset she deserves to be, but right now there are too many barriers for her to reach that point that I want her to overcome in the story.
I love it keep up the great work my friend .
Demure Signing Off.
Yes finally another chapter. Keep up the good work mate.
Demure Singing Off.
Hmm, it seems to me, like things are finally settling in for Sunset. That's good, but she's still wet behind the ears, in this crazy world of theirs. That said, I believe that Spike will be doing his utmost to keep her safe.
How much he can do that, when she's kind of fucked up already by this point, is something we're going to have to see. With that in mind, I wonder if we'll be seeing the return o She-demon Sunset. She seems like she would fit in thi setting.
Nice story, m8. I think the God said it better tho...
7551001
Demon Sunset huh? There's a thought.
7552949
Thank you. Glad you like it.
7553298
I mean, it only makes sense, right? The Magic Macguffin, that is the Element of Magic, seems to alter people/ponies, based on their innate nature.
Sunset at the time, wasn't being very "sunny", so things went down south for her. I wouldn't be surprised, if there was an item that could bring her back to that state, seeing as they're in a world of discord, paradox and chaos.
What a great chapter mate keep up the good work.
Demur Signing Off
Huh, I thought the title meant: "What Would That Do?" Like something referencing Sunset's behavior, or mannerisms, towards some random stranger again.
Good thing she wised up about it, or we might be getting some more weirdness.
That said, Sunset isn't really recognizing just how, Not-kid friendly this place is, and that's an interesting thing to see her come to terms with, if ya ask me. I honestly don't believe that she fully gets it, yet, but she's making progress. Maybe a few more murders, a couple monsters ad a possible attempt at sexual assault will truly make it all sink in.
Not that I'm wishing for that last one, gods know I'm now, but there needs to be a HUGE shock to make her realize, this place makes Equestria look like a play-pen for toddlers.
I'm enjoy this story out Spike keep it up
Great chapter. Sunset and Spike back on the road. Can't wait for the next chapter.
Cliff hanger need the next chapter. Good chapter
So I'm going to assume there will either be a sequel, an Epilogue chapter just to tie up loose ends or you're fine with leaving this ambiguous.
Where's the sequel???!!!! Please make one I need to know what happens next. If you can it'll be great, if not then you are gonna have to deal with something bigger than an angry Spike chasing after you.
The only problem I have with this story is your depiction of this culture and yet failing a key implementation of it.
From Spike I can almost believe it since he grew up being a servant to Twilight but from Bix it doesn't make sense.
The culture you're depicting would not put up with the kind of bitchy attitude that Sunset is displaying. From the constant threats the kicking and slapping ect. In that kind of culture a woman like that would be, in no uncertain terms, physically and verbally put in her place for acting like a child.
You sort of do it in a half-hearted manner but not even close to the extent that such a culture would diplay.
You know having fire that can teleport things is extremely useful. In the earlier chapters you had Spike remember teleporting people as well. He has enough precision as depicted in the show to teleport a piece of paper in his hand and only that.
So it would be easy enough for him to teleport the book out of the undead's hands into his own then burn the undead after he's disarmed it, or he could just cut off its head.
To me it's like you're having Rainbow Dash agonise over jumping over the Grand Canyon. Oh wait, she can fly!
7920241
What culture exactly do you interpret from this? Sure, I may have put in lines that make it seem like women would be put in their place but it's not like that at all. It's more than just shut up and do as I say it's more along the lines of Sunset thinks she can handle things but fails to realize that she's in a new world with strange magic, beasts, languages, races, and all around danger. It's more her lacking the common sense of the world shown by her actions that make Spike and Bix react the way they did. I do get where you're coming from though but for that, I must also bring up the point that this was literally my first story ever and I admit I did poorly in fleshing a lot of it out. I'll keep it in mind for the future.
7920321
I did remember the whole teleporting people distances away with precision but the way I thought about it is that Spike doesn't want anyone to know he can do such things regardless of the situation. It's more like something he relies on when in serious danger, sure he could have done as much during the fight with the undead but my line of thought was that he wanted to make sure the other two (mainly Bix) out of the way and out of sight of him possibly using it. I know I don't indicate as such and that's a failure on my part as the author. I am trying to improve that instead of just leaving it up in the air. As for simply cutting off the head, I should be sure in the future to make it more apparent as to how quickly such spells could be used. Thank you for your input once again, I'll be sure to keep it in mind for future works.
The perspective changes a few times in the chapter, but other than that good story!
7927780
Yea, I need to go back and edit the whole thing once again. The whole thing started out in first person but I changed it once I got further due to not being used to writing in that type of view. Apologies if it's bothersome and thanks for the comment.
Re-read this again and still the best story I've ever read. Can't wait for a sequel, that's if you write one.