• Member Since 10th May, 2012
  • offline last seen Jun 5th, 2016

Veridian Phantom

Thunder Dash is my name, and writing is my game. (Sorry no, that's incorrect, it's actually music). But I do enjoy writing on the side.


The story is revolved around you (the reader) and Rarity, who (you think) you fall in love with the day before Hearts and Hooves day. You have the potential to date, but as another stallion much more handsome and rich than you (and more popular) comes into the scene, he steals away Rarity. However it seems she does not truly love him (you hope). It is now up to you to devise a way to win back Rarity's heart, or perhaps win it over at all.

CREDITS: NastyMann - Editor

Chapters (6)
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Comments ( 54 )

ehh its a pretty good story. defintly could be better but in all good.:yay::trollestia: oh and FIRST


Thanks, i need feedback on how to improve, seeing as i've never written a single story in my life, this being first, it's good to hear some criticism. Do you know what could be changed by any chance?

711509 im not sure but you should try and get some people to proof read your story if you dont have someone doing that already.


Well i don't know anyone to proof read, i've tried getting someone in the groups here on fimfiction but none have responded, and i'm not one to wait when i'm excited about showing off my attempt of a good story :)


well other than that you have done a great job so far. Keep it up!:pinkiehappy:

A few mistakes here and there, but you are doing very well on explaining the scene, as well as having a good plot. Keep it up! :yay:


you got a proof-reader or able to proof-read my story? i could really use a proof-reader. especially since you pointed out some mistakes i hadn't noticed, and i had triple-checked it :)

Im not much of a proof reader but i could try to help out. plus it was just with som small things like missing commas

You know what they say, the enemy of my enemy is my friend. :ajsmug:

I like the story a lot. It's pretty good for your very first one. You need a proofreader, eh?

712497 I can proofread, then. I'm happy to help.


Alrighty! you're hired xD (so to speak) i'll write whatever it is, then i'll send a link with it to you :) be on the lookout, i write when i have time/an idea, so it may be once a week, or 2-3 days xD

712520 Would you like me to proofread your first chapter as well? And, would you like me to tell you how to improve?

712442 I love a good read. Especially when I can start at chapter one.
Patiently awaiting further developments. :moustache:


You can yes, and i'd love to know how to improve.


lol thanks, i'll be writing more to it, it for sure isn't done. just gotta give it some time. :)


Fluttershy is best pony. (in all honesty it's tie between Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy.

Fluttershy and Rarity. Although Fluttershy wins just by being adorable.


hence the reason why rainbow is tied, Fluttershy imo, would be good to date. and Rainbow as a best friend.

I love Rarity! :rainbowkiss: This is a must read for me! I'll give feed back also. :twilightsmile:

Good good. Can't wait for more.

Nice job! U did a better job on the grammar in this chapter than in the last 1

Dont know wat rainbow dash is hiding, but I'll play along for now. :trixieshiftright:

Couple of things i need to say.

1. FANCYPANTS!?!!. Dont get me wrong, fancypants is an awesome pony. But i was thinking blueblood or an oc! Dang i did not see that coming. :rainbowderp:

2. Main character thinking of things he has never seen? I sense a suprise, or a twist comming...:trixieshiftright: OR BOTH!!! :pinkiehappy:

Great chapter!! Keep up the awesomly great work!


1. i actually spent about 30 minutes trying to figure out fancypants's name. little did i know i could check the wiki :facehoof:

2. secrets, big big secrets. xD

P.S. your comments always put a smile to my face. i just LOVE writing things people like. Just like "I Remember". and boy did people like it. (not popular although i hope it does get so soon)

Awww crud he's a human! This gonna be good!

Didn't see THAT coming. Most entertaining read. :moustache:


Muahahahhaaaaa. Foreshadowing at it's greatest the last few chapters.


lol i meant the memories he got of the other world, ultimately leading up to this discovery. :derpytongue2:

Aww yeah! Thunder Dash is gonna buck Diamond dog tail! :derpyderp1: I hope that sounded alright. Have yet to make coffee.

Hmm what do you mean? The Diamond Dog thing?


Yup, you got that right xD

P.S. if anyone didn't know Thunder Dash is the character I made for my "Pony Persona" if you will. But he is technically you in this story.

It would be nice if he just became a ninja and just kick butt all around; that, would be awesome. :twilightsmile:


Lol that would be so random i'd need a random tag.:pinkiecrazy:

:raritycry::raritydespair: FIND HER THUNDER FIND HER NOW


where was he a unicorn at? i don't recall writing him using magic.

furthermore he's my OC, no horn whatsoever. wings only.

also too, the term is alicorn

979519 in chapter 1 it sez his forte was healing magic. and i dunno if its true or not but i asumed pegacorns were just a highbreed of unicorns and pegasi where as with alicorns they were a bit of all three types, lived for thousands of years, had so much power they could move celestial bodys and had manes and tails made out of magic or whatever like the princess sisters. I thought ppl used pegacorns so that they can have an OC that can fly and do magic without having to explain where this forth alicorn came from and isn't related to the royal family without doing the "I'm actually a human and i just woke up like this" bit.

wowowow that a lot of info i did not know :rainbowderp:
man i need to know my mystical animals :facehoof:


:facehoof: i knew this would happen, so then yes. He's a pegacorn. i dun goofed. ah well, pegacorn sounds cool. Your explanation seems to make a lot of sense so it must be true :\

982773 I'm sorry if i sounded trollish or powernerd ish I was just a bit confused on what he was and alicorns always confuse the crud out of me when i think about them(all three of the cannon ones being princecsses with no king or queen and two of them having the power to move celestial bodys but when someone like discord pop up celestias like "I could so help yous girls with this but cake makes a better argument")

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