I am nothing great, just a pony who enjoys reading great stories and trying my best to tell some myself.
Twilight has been hiding something from her friends and the time has finally come to set her plans in motion. She is now Empress Twilight and will forge Equestria in what she wants.
The cover art image does not belong to me, it belongs to it's respected artist.
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Interesting. I track.
Needs line breaks between paragraphs for better readability.
It's good to see a dark story with a bit of style. I'm looking forward towards future Chapters.
Keep the good work up.
6734983
Thank you for pointing that out. It is fixed now and should be easier to read.
Look into getting a proofreader. Some of the grammar is atrocious, which can distract readers from the story, since they are busy trying to figure out what the sentence they just read meant. A good idea is easily overlooked when it is difficult to interpret.
looks promising, I'm curious how this will go on
6735108
I posted a thread on a proofreader group just now. Wish me luck in finding one.
6735071 Much better. Now onto the actual content: Twilight feels rather too out of character with little justification, at least as it stands now. Remember that Celestia all but raised her, and it's rather too much of a stretch for Twilight as a young filly to have tricked Celestia, specially for this long, not to mention somehow trick the elements of harmony. Furthermore, given the amount of time that's being presented (since the rest of the bearers are apparently still alive), the change feels rather too through from what she previously was, not only in terms of moral compass but also general personality.
In all, unless some massive justification is somehow pulled out, the only plausible explanation for this Twilight is possession by an outside force, because the "evil in her", so to speak, is not even Twilight's already present negative tendencies and issues magnified and distorted but, as far as it can be seen, something completely unlike her in any way.
6735247
While I was writing this, I had originally written that this evil side of her came about after the events with King Sombra. It happened after she tries dark magic. But I didn't want to info dump and kill the story. So I took it out and kept what I thought the story needed. This event happens before she became an alicorn.
weak
"This instant," or, "at once".
"Thou art not a pony, thou art a demon. Kilkk me if that is thy wish, but know that it shalt not mean thou shall be victorious,"
returned
Two things need to be said here. One, Luna has shown in multiple episodes that she no longer talks like this. Two, if you don't know how to write in what's known as Early Modern English, don't. The word "thou" means "you", not "your". Also, "'tis" is an archaic contraction of "it is", not another way of saying "this".
The rest of your grammar is pretty lacking, too.
Twilight is very, very out of character here, and that AU tag isn't helping. The AU tag is not a licence to write any character as OOC as you wish: it is intended to indicate sweeping changes to the setting from canon. Consider the recent season finale: several AU's were presented. In the first, Sombra wasn't stopped by the Crystal Heart, and as a consequence, Equestria is in a state of total war. One clear change was made (the rainboom didn't happen) and we have a different world.
That is an AU.
Twilight randomly and nonsensically being Evil All Along isn't an AU, it is just bad writing.
6736037
As you pointed out, one event changed and caused the AUs in that episode. So we know that if an event occurs that change later events. So what makes it hard to believe that there are events that happen that change Twilight to the one you see in my story here? So the AU tag is there to show that I as a writer changed an event somewhere to cause the story you have read. I am glad that people are pointing out that my Twilight here is out of character. This just means that I need to write more of what happens before the rise of Empress Twilight. So this story will now be placed on hold till this new story is up.
this is the best story ever
/sarcasm
6736288
Wouldn't #sarcasm work better?
It's great, but how about some backstory on how Twilight got like this?