• Member Since 8th May, 2015
  • offline last seen Dec 22nd, 2022

Fair Play


Teacher. Referee. Scuba Diver. Aspiring author.

Comments ( 178 )

Interesting idea. I so used to the idea of Enclave pony in the wasteland ponies being those who've gone rogue, that the idea of having Enclave approved embedded agents is actually quite fresh. Although, having the Enclave investigating for cooperation purposes does raise questions has to how it would reconcile with the Operation Cauterize unless A) This is an AU which a different Enclave, B) It's set during a time when the Enclave were less genocidal, or C) the General is lying through his teeth to get Updraft to sign on. My bet's on C).

A bit of structural advise which you can take or leave. In the very first paragraph, seven out of ten sentences start with 'I'. This is super repetitive and I have to say nearly put me off continuing. So maybe keep that in mind progressing. Another thing is that sentences are very clipped. The description of the knife near the end is an example, you use three short sentences where one would do. Though I'll keep in mind this may have been an aesthetic choice on your part to show rigidness of being a soldier, but to me it just came off as awkward.

Now we haven't seen the strongest definition of personality from Dust Cloud yet, though I was always in the minority of putting the setting above the main cast. Others might take issue with this though, which is why I'm pointing it out.

Still, you've got my attention. We'll see if my interest is held.

6734643
Veradon Chimera

Thank you for your feedback. One of the biggest challenges I had when I had the idea to write this was that I didn't want to recycle old ideas (stable pony in the wasteland, overly evil Enclave, etc) and I figured I'd write it from the point of view of a run of the mill Enclave soldier... I'm glad you found it fresh. Not to give any spoilers, and I should have done a better job with this, but this takes place some time before the events of the original FoE fic, at a time that the Enclave (presumably) is less genocidal. I will neither confirm or deny your guess on the General's motives. :derpytongue2:

I do appreciate the structural and character development feedback. This is my first attempt at writing fiction, so I will take any constructive criticism. I already have six chapters "ready" to go since I wanted to see if I could even write that much. Now that I know I can reasonably do that, I can focus on fixing other things.

Hopefully I can keep your interest as things progress.

Thanks again

This is neat! I see some promising work here, Fair. Though I wonder how ling did it take you to wrote this out? How did you come up with this idea? How did you stick with it?

Switchblade just posted that cover the other night, I was looking for the story :)

6735805
Thanks :pinkiehappy:

I got the idea to write a story back in April or May... Originally, it started out as an Enclave soldier with amnesia story, but after looking at synopses of other stories, I felt the amnesia/memory loss/memory removal line was used a lot, and I wouldn't be able to do anything fresh with it.

Strangely enough, I got the idea about the embedded agent from an old episode of Star Trek : The Next Generation. I started writing again in the middle of the summer. Once the idea clicked in place, the first 5 chapters almost wrote themselves since I had so many ideas. I actually had to pare it down since I was doing too much. I was working with my prereader and adjusting since September-ish. I've been on a break since I was waiting for my cover art to be done so I could post.

For now, I am waiting to see the reaction to the first few chapters (and finding a new prereader/editor since my old one moved on to a new fic), so I can make adjustments as I see what's working and whats not. I have my plan as to where I want to go, but am open to changing it, if need be. I hope to post the remaining "ready" chapters over the next few weeks and start writing new ones too.

I'm glad you found it neat... I just hope I can keep it up.

6736002
Yeah.. Sw1tchbl4de just finished it for me... I've been waiting for it before I submitted my story to the site. As soon as I got the high-res version, I posted the prologue and first chapter for initial reactions.

I hope you enjoy the story

6736025 How much did it cost you to get the cover art?

interesting concept, will be wanting a bit more

6736848
Thanks... I'm glad you found it interesting. I will be posting the material I have ready over the next few weeks as I review them one last time while making revisions based on critiques I receive.

I hope it keeps your interest as the story progresses.

The Final Line:
I get the sense this could being:

1. Muddy has gone on multiple iterations of this mission and essentially enjoys killing others (Wasteland Serial Killer of sorts)
2. Same as above but the government itself sanctions it to help with population control and a type of eugenics (Being the son of an important officer, and not capable of front-line duty would mean he'd survive. Instead use them as guinea pigs
3. Silver is either a deserter, turncoat, refugee of sorts who left the Enclave but knew Muddy before.
4. Silver was the actual target of this mission and was meant to have no witnesses, so although Dust wasn't a target he became one by walking in

6779994
I will neither confirm nor deny any of your guesses, but I will say that the end of the chapter was meant to lead you to really think about what it all could mean.

Thanks for sticking with the story! More to come :pinkiehappy:

Hey. I just wanted to say that I love this story. It's very well written and I can't wait for more chapters. :rainbowkiss:

6794979

Thanks for the feedback and thanks for the watch.

I'm glad you are enjoying the story so far... and I hope you enjoy what is to come. I hope to have the next chapter cleaned up and posted by the end of the week, but we'll see if life gets in the way again.

Again, thanks and keep enjoying it! :raritywink:

Hey I love the new chapter! :pinkiehappy: I can't wait to see what comes next. I'm also wondering when Dust will ask Silver about how she knows Muddy. Because I have no idea what's up with that. Anyways. Great chapter, keep doin what you're doing man.

6854462

I'm glad you liked the chapter.

I wish I could answer or respond to your questions, but I don't want to spoil anything, but suffice it to say, I have a plan.

I hope I keep your interest!

Hey again! Just finished the chapter, and I gotta say, it was great! There were some funny parts, and it was nice to have some more involvement of the other characters. I really hope Silver doesn't die though. My thoughts on the other's disappearance: Wat. Where did they go? Anyways. loving this story, reading it with about four other stories. :pinkiehappy: Can't wait to see what happens next!

6888922

Again, thanks for reading. I'm glad you are enjoying it.

As for your questions, I am not one to spoil here.. so you'll just have to wait and see... :ajsmug: Chapter 6 should be finalized relatively soon.

So chapter 6 is out and I hope you enjoy it!

And with this, I have run out of material that had been reviewed by my old editor/proofreader.

That being said, I am looking for a new proofreader to help me review new material. Mainly, I'd need someone who could help me pick up stuff like characters acting oddly/out of character, inconsistencies with canon, general flow/readability, things like that.

If you are interested, please PM me. I figured I would try this first and find someone already interested in the story before going to the forums.

Hey! Just finished the chapter a while ago and wanted to say, I love the way you're going with this story. You seem to have a lot more original problems for your characters, and I like that. I also wish I could help with the proofreading, but I would not be very good at it, since when I read I don't really pay attention to typos and such often. So, best of luck then? I hope you find a proofreader soon. :applejackunsure:

Not bad for a first chapter, actually. I'm interested in seeing where this might go. There's a lot of possibilities with having an embedded agent working for the Enclave going down to the Wasteland. I still wouldn't dare send him down if his weapon marksmanship really is that bad, though; operatives need to be able to defend themselves properly.

6959558

I struggled with the lack of firearms competence for the protagonist also... however, since the idea originally came from an episode of Star Trek : TNG where a bunch of scientists were hiding in a cloaked observation station, so I figured it wouldn't be too much of a stretch. Also, Dust's partner was the better of the two, so the team together would seem more well-rounded. Of course, no one expected that Muddy would turn against Dust, so there is that

I'm glad you see promise so far and I hope the rest can keep it up.

Thanks

Just though I'd give my few follows an update, as well as let everypony else know what's going on.

I have just started working with a new editor (Setokaiva) and I must say he is remarkable if I say so myself. We are currently working through the previously released work to make necessary changes.

Anypony who has read the work already, you aren't missing much, but it may be worth going back through for a second read. New readers, you aren't missing anything, but this will explain why there is such a delay between chapter 6 and chapter 7.

Currently, only the Prologue has been re-uploaded. I will be reuploading chapter 1 soon and we are on chapter 2 as I write this.

Again, thanks for your interest and I hope you like it!

Okay everypony!

Chapter 1 has been updated... again, no major changes, just a lot of tweaks to make things look and flow better. A few of the more glaring inconsistencies have been addressed as well.

Enjoy it!

7019286 Hey Fair Play, thanks for the update! I was wondering how things were going, nice to see that things are back on track! :pinkiehappy:

7025747

I'm glad to be back on track! I just can't wait to finish some much needed work on the first set of chapters and then finally get new material out there.... I have so many ideas!

Hopefully it's sooner rather than later.

Wow that got pretty dark fast.

7061209

I hope I didn't turn you off from the fic. I did it mostly to show a virtue that One had (virtues will be a major theme of the story) He saved Dust from having to do it himself.

Hopefully, this wasn't enough to ruin it for you.

Fair Play

7062944 Nope :pinkiehappy:

Just making an observation

Good fanfic so far, yeah, finally got around to reading it.

So followers.... a little bit of bad news...

My current editor has become really focused on other projects with which he had already been involved. Unfortunately, this will bring my fic to a temporary stop until I find a new editor. While I look on my own, if anypony is either interested or knows of anypony able to take on a project, please have them PM me.

Otherwise, I will hopefully find a new editor soon and get my story back on track.

Good news everypony!

With the encouragement of somepony, I got reinvigorated to keep writing!

I am almost done with chapter 7 and will be having that somepony I found to help me out a little and pre-read before I post. I hope to have it out before the end of the week, but it all depends on when I can put my finishing touches on it and how long it takes to get it reviewed.

Fear not! Chapter 7 is coming!

They certainly seem to be in quite the pickle now.

Omgomgomgomg! New chapter, yay! I love this story and I just finished one Fallout Equestria Story when I remembered to check on you and your story again. Alright sorry that was a little crazy, but I'm happy that a new chapter is out. First you had me all, "Oh s**t things got bad." then I was like "Omg this is so adorable!" :rainbowkiss: with the whole Dust and Silver thing, but after that I was just thinking "No Dust why would you do this!?" :facehoof: with his little outburst at Flower. Also, oh god, ghouls. I'm sorry Dust and co, you're screwed! Anyways, thus was yet another amazing chapter, by one of my favorite authors. Sorry if I was a little crazy in this comment, I'm just really happy to see you continuing on with this, But just on another side note, Eyy! Gamma was talking about you on his page! Also I have a really strong urge to call Dust Dusty, I don't know why but is it cool with you if I refer to him as that? Anyways this comment has gotten way to long, see ya next time! P.S. Thanks for dealing with my cringiness!

7242431
I am so glad you are enjoying the fic so far!

One of my biggest fears, this being my first attempt at fiction, was that I wouldn't be able to make an interesting story and keep it up.. but here I am six chapter later and still going strong, for at least a few people.

I hope you continue to enjoy the new chapters as I write them... things are only going to get more interesting as time goes on (I hope).

FP

Nice chapter, I look forward to seeing more.

Well that certainly isn't good

Oh my God I love this story so much! The characters are all so enjoyable I love the little sub-plots, all in all, a great read. Can't wait to see the next chapter!

Took me a while to finish this chapter, on account of being overly tired and my phone being dead without a charger, but it was fun to read! More Dusty and Silver with their secrets and stuff, and Oh sweet baby jesus Brownie got shot! :pinkiegasp:

7324809

Glad you liked it!

Can't wait to see what you think about Chapter 9 (assuming you haven't read it already) :pinkiehappy:

FP

Huzzah! I finished chapter nine! Dust is continuing to spin his whole Web of lies, it's gonna be bad if/when Silver finds out the truth. Also slavers, this is going to end great, seeing as how they're outnumbered two to one. Anyways, fun chapter, I look forward to the next one!

7325826

Glad you liked chapter 9 too....

Yes, Dust's web of lies will be an interesting reveal when it happens, and it will happen, I promise you that. :ajsmug:

7330617

I'm glad you like Allegiances so far!

Dust's stupidity... if it's his general cluelessness about the Wasteland, then I am basing that off of the fact that he's only been in the Wasteland for a year and had largely relied on Muddy during that time. Now that Muddy has left and he is on his own (from an Enclave viewpoint) that stupidity should slowly be waning. If it is his stupidity regarding Silver, I was hoping for it to come across as more of an awkwardness with mares and not general stupidity.

Either way, I can definitely see your point.

Hopefully you like the story going forward.

Thanks again!

Aww, love in the wasteland, so cute.

Also nice MGS shout-out with the perk.

7404988

Dust is in denial. (I probably should have more explicit with that, introspection is one thing I need to improve upon with my writing).

He still thinks he's going home at some point and he doesn't really believe Muddy or Midnight at this point.

Hopefully this inadvertent discrepancy is not large enough to turn you off to the rest of the fic.

Thanks for the feedback though!

Alright! A little late, but I finished this chapter, this was a fun chapter to read, with Dust pulling some MGS tactics there. But finally! Dust isn't crushing his chances at having anything with Silver! But I seriously liked this chapter, It had an original sort of conflict. (Slaver dude that turns out to not be a Slaver and just an asshole) But yeah all in all it was a nice chapter, thank you for writing this awesome story! :pinkiehappy:

7411121

Sorry for taking so long to respond.

Thanks for the feedback! This was probably my favorite chapter to write so far. Probably because I knew this was the chapter that Dust was finally going to stop getting in his own way.

I'm glad you're still liking the story and I hope to keep your interest. The next chapter should be ready today or tomorrow (hopefully). I am just giving it one more read-through to make sure everything is just the way I want it to be!

Silver should get Fleet of Foot 2: Revenge of the Foot +2 agility when your special somepony tries to sneak out to find his sadistic, madpony, former friend in the middle of the night.

7448692

That made me LOL for a bit.

If I was tracking the other party members, you would probably be right! :rainbowlaugh:

Well Dust is in trouble, and Silver is probably going to kill him before Muddy gets the chance to do it. Goodbye Dust, we'll miss you. :pinkiehappy:

7467174

You may be right... especially since "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" :rainbowlaugh:

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