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This was Co-written with FrostTheWolf He also the one who came up with the idea.
Why me?
Dawn didn't expect to get sent to a world of ponies. Who really though they would be banished to such a world? However after checking out a new book. Well you should knew what happens.
Hopefully I can get used to this
Displaced Fic
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used*
I counted four errors in the description alone, which is really short... and really terrible... and it's a displaced fic so its burdened with original sin (or unoriginal sin when it comes to displaced
shitfics). And the fact that it took two writers to produce such a bad description, what more convincing do I need to pass judgement?LOKI!!!
6353832 I'm the only one who made the Description
6353836 Have a
6353838 Okay I retract my last complaint... strange, I still think the description sucks even with that knowledge
Wow, Loki as a displacer... I got to say that's actually pretty surprising.
6353846 does that mean I am correct.
I wonder how she would react if she ever found Loki's token.
6353866 why yes
6353872 Spoilers
6353880 nice i like it
A displaced doing the Merchant's job?
Dang...
6354089 Yes but which one?
6354104 Tch...Loki the Discord displaced from tales of Loki.
Have you seen the comments section.
Also might need to have dawn go through a pallet swap at some point.
A human becoming a Displace Twilight Sparkle? Hmm let see where this goes.
Please give dawn a dinosaur familiar i don't why i want to give her a dinosaur though apart from being reconized
This has been done before.
this is going to be fun.
I only read the first section of this chapter. I did a bit of proofreading for what I did read, though.
This sentence is confusing.
You're telling when you could be showing.
This sentence is awkwardly worded and missing a comma.
The period at the end of the quote should be a comma, such as to make the line read:
“Really? This is the first time I’ve heard of it,” Dawn replied back, smiling a little and presenting her Library card to the strange replacement.
The same mistake is made here. The line should read:
“Thank you Mr... What’s your name, sir?” she asked, trying her best to sound polite.
Also note that the ellipsis should have only three periods.
Missing a comma. This sentence should read:
With that, he waved her goodbye.
Realized what? That he waved her goodbye?
Also, these two sentences should be combined into one.
You started two sentences here with the words "almost like" which is annoying. You should also combine the second sentence with the first and the fourth sentence with the third to avoid sentence fragments. I recommend changing these sentences to something along the lines of this:
"There was a lock-like mechanism on the side of it, like that of a diary. Ignoring the chance to ask herself why that was there in the first place, she looked at the flap that resembled a six pointed star, making her imagine a spark in the night sky."
Wait, the girl along with Dawn? Aren't they the same person?
Head injures don’t knock you unconscious unless you’ve suffered significant brain damage. You don’t just wake up a few hours later dizzied and confused but otherwise fine like in movies and T.V.
This sentence has a few errors. It should read:
“Well, that’s a surprise. That book has all she’ll need, right?”
Should be:
“Define ‘all she’ll need.’”
Should be:
As the vortex stopped, Dawn found herself outside in a park.
Also, she was knocked unconscious, yet is awake upon arrival? What was the point?
Again, you're telling rather than showing.
Can't you describe what that something is?
Thanks guys for all the support so far. You guys are awesome!
It looks good, but there is something you need to fix around the point they show amy
Why did this got canceled? SevenWays.