Dawn Ray never really liked his life. He was too different for anyone to like him. He's been scorned, insulted, stolen from, and pretty much every kind of shunning in the book. Twilight understands, but when does that matter? She's the Princess of Friendship; it doesn't come as a surprise that she sympathizes with him. Dawn wants others to offer him a kind word, a Bit, anything at all. They hate him for no good reason, and he knows that he's not worthless. He just wants someone to give him a chance.
With Twilight's help, maybe that could happen.
Chapters (1)
There were several instances where you wrote 'Twiloght' rather than 'Twilight', and once you accidentally wrote 'rad and black'. Personally, I'd like to see how a rad and black Alicorn would look like.
It's a nice fic, and Dawn is a pretty okay character for a protagonist. I think that he shows quite clearly how discrimination could affect someone and lead to them having depression. Although, I am a bit confused with the story as well. You say he's being harassed, yet Twilight claims that a lot of ponies are curious about him? Or is it just the bad part of town that he lives in that discriminates him? I assume that's how it goes, since it makes a bit more sense.
I take it that, while Dawn here looks like an Alicorn, he doesn't have the same strengths and magic prowess as other Alicorns. That would also explain why the Alicorn princesses didn't already do anything about him. It's just a genetic mutation, is all.
All in all, a nice fic. A bit bland at times, but I can see Twilight doing this to help a friend what with being the Princess of Friendship and all.
Wait, so Fluttershy is okay with taking Dawn in? Huh, I thought she would have been too shy for that. If anything, Applejack would have been my choice if I had the same problem.
6262268 Thanks for the honest critique. I'm glad you liked it.
I think the reason there were so many mistakes was because I accidentally published and submitted the chapter before editing it, so the corrections were never applied. I've cleaned it up now, though. And yes, the only place in town that was hateful towards Dawn was the place he lived.
As for Fluttershy, I had two reasons. For one, I feel like Dawn would have an incredibly hard time living alongside ponies as rough and rowdy as the Apple family—more specifically Applejack and Applebloom, since Big Mac's shy and Granny Smith is an old lady. Dawn would have a much easier time sharing living space with someone as quiet as he was, AKA Fluttershy. I also thought it worked out a bit better, since Fluttershy's the Element of Kindness.
MY GOD THIS IS GOOD.
Swap his colors and people would hate less.
Change the gender and people would hate less.
Make him any of the three non-alicorn races, people would hate less.
Fuck the norm and the accepted formulas. The color of a pony's coat can have a big impact on first impressions. Especially when you delve into the psychology and sociology of ponies. Would darker colors such as Octavia's grey coat and Dawn's crimson and black scheme make them predisposed to being seen as a thug, uncouth, rude, stupid, more prone to violence, ect ect? Would a color scheme such as Fluttershy's or Rarity's be preferred for vanity's sake?
Or, what if all male alicorns share a very similar color pallet to Dawn! Dark grey and blue. Navy blue and white? Well speaking of blue and white-wouldn't that be a sterotypical "White Knight" theme? It's the first thing I think of when I see white and blue. Especially when your character is named Shining Armor.
Take every single great character and change up the colors to black and red or a variation of those colors. There actually is a badass edgelord who fits this sterotype of black and red OC's. A story made by Productive faffer named The Assassin's Song and Blood Moon is Mr. BadassEdgelord who actually lives up to the edgyness. Spoiler alert which is necessary here: Blood Moon is not really a unicorn but an alicorn who has hidden this secret until the end where he bests Celestia in 1v1.
He has this story on another site, which I will not disclose, and I haven't seen ANYBODY give him shit about it.
I understand you made this story to prove a point, but it's already been done while not actually going out of its way to prove the point that you're proving. Nevertheless, you portrayed your point in a non-violent scenario in contrast to The Assassin's Song.
Decent job. It was plain, but it gets your point across. It didn't need a second chapter and didn't need to exceed 5k words.
6298941 Holy SHIT I am late to the party. I was looking over some of my less recent stuff and found this.
That said, I need to ask you a question. It may sound sarcastic or douchey, but it's an honest, sincere question I want to know the answer to.
That said: Where were you going with this comment? What is/was your point?