chapter 140: Trixie explains a dumb prank she wants to pull on Twilight with my assistance to me. ALTERNATIVE TITLE: You better believe, I've got asides, diversions, and tangents up my sleeve.
One day Trixie approached me while I was crochetting. Just kidding I don't know how to crochet. Shockingly, it's not one of my many talents. Oh snap, subverted joke lololol! Anyway I do have a big booty cutie I've been chillin with a lot who's aromantic so I don't know what we are exactly, but we're super close and she spent a metric butt ton of time crochetting me a poggers crochet Pinkie Pie (AKA second best pony) that I in writing this am reminded I never actually posted a blog about, but she sits on the piano and keeps me company while I practice. (the Ponkers, not the friend. I need to figure out a pony name for her. She likes ballroom dancing and wants to open a dance therapy practice one day which I think is super cool. )Anyway, she unlike me does crochet a lot.
Where was I?
Oh right, Trix was like, "yo, Trampstamp, wanna help me prank Sporkles?"
To which I replied:
"Sporktacles? Wearer of cool spork glasses and lover of soup?"
"Lol, no, Twilight Sparkle. It's just a silly name for her.
"Valid," I said, because leftists love saying that word for some reason. It's like how right libertarians* love saying "But what if the--" wait this is rated everyone and also that joke is kind of beating a dead horse, if you pardon the macabre exception expression.
*Or MandoPony, ToonKritic, and an unfortunate number of other bronies, unfortunate in that it's a number higher than zero.
Anyway, Trixie was like "so here's the deal: You'll find Twilight where ever she's doing whatever the heck it is she actually does all day now that she is no longer narratively bound by the Friendship School plot device on account of finally learning what delegating is in that Season 9 episode with the swannening or whatever it's called (not to be confused with the 200th episode which also had swans. Something something Swan Song pun (obligatory 'mwap') and so my amazing girlfriend Starlight now runs it [Author's note: Starlight is also my amazing girlfriend as well, but Trixie is her primary partner. Poly gang gang!]
"ANYWAY jeez Super I don't normally ramble this much you suck at writing The Great and Powerful Trixie's great and not so prolix dialogue.
"Anyway you'll find Twilight and be like, 'Twilight, come quick! Trixie has fallen deathly ill!'"
"Trixie, I'm not sure I'm vibing with the direction of you prank idea."
"Hush, let Trixie finish."
"Valid"
"Anyway, Twilight will do her super OP teleport thing to outside my wagon, where Starlight, my beloved girlfriend will meet her, and be like, 'Twilight, I'm so glad you're here. Trixie's in an awful state; delirious, feverish, and seemingly in great pain! She's been calling out for you for several hours now. Oh Twilight, please I beg of you, see if you can help her! I'm too young to be a widow!"
"Trixie, I can already tell I'm going to greatly disagree with this."
"Don't put your CartsBeforeHorses, Super. Verily, I implore you, have patience young memer."
"
," I replied, in a style reminiscent of that of Wayne, the central among equals character (compare Twilight and the Mane 6) of the indefatigably brilliant show Letterkenny (on Hulu!)
"right, so, Twilight enters my wagon, and after probably coughing because she always conspicuously coughs when she smells weed cause she's a little female dogwho likes bananas*
*It occurs to me that there are now probably a sizable number of newer arrivals to the fandom who are unaware of this now over a decade old holy kimchi [cries at the inevitable swift passage of time towards eternal death and how many hours I've wasted writing this dumb story lol jk that's actually time well spentconsuming risque media content on the internet in a ruthless pursuit of dopamine] fandom classic:
, she sees me lying convolescently in my bed, feverish and shaking. 'Twilight,' I'll raspily croak, 'I'm not doing so hot. My dear girlfriend Starlight figured out the malady causing my malaise though. Forsooth, I pray you might be able to, if not cure me, then perhaps at least sooth my suffering with pallative care and peanut butter crackers.'
I opened my mouth to interject, but realized I had nothing to say. Trixie continued on like a runaway freight train on a steep mountain cut, like several present on the line spiraling up to Canterlot:
"Twilight, voice rich with sorrow at the probably loss of her greatest rival, will reply 'Oh Trixie, though I have wronged you in the past, I am wiser now, and wish only to help you in your hour of greatest need. Pray tell, what ailment has the fair Starlight deduced to be the source of your woes?'
"I'll beckon her closer, my voice barely a whisper. She'll lean in, anxious to hear my diagnosis. And do you know what I'll tell her?"
I sighed. "No, Trixie, please enlighten me, what phony condition will you malinger?"
Trixie cleared her throat, then stifled a laugh, presumably originating from the punchline she was about to impart.
"'Twilight,' I'll wanly relate, 'I'm afraid this may be the end of the line for me. The prognosis is grim, the disease unrelenting. I have little hope that even a mage as powerful as you could stem the tide of this virulent infection ravaging my body. If Starlight is right--and as much as I want her to be wrong in this case, she rarely is--then what I have is terminal.
"'Oh, Trixie, what illness could possibly fell one so great and powerful as you?' Twilight will ask, tamping down the tears that threaten to engulf her visage. And at last, I'll tell her:
"'Twilight, I have ligma.'"
And that's the story of why I spritzed Trixie with an anti-brat water spray bottle today. I originally was going to end this chapter saying I punched her, but honestly, that felt out of character for me.
It would have felt pretty good though.
Knighty please make it so we can embed webm content directly from derpibooru so I don't have to upload it to youtube
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Don't look at this spoilered picture until after you've read the chapter or you'll spoil the astoundingly dumb punchline.
derpicdn.net/img/view/2018/8/12/1804639.jpg
I didn't set out to make this exactly 1,000 words. It was just a happy accident. Which reminds me of one of the best jokes in the Powerpuff Girls:
11141794
About your first paragraph, I know right?
About your second paragraph, I haven't actually watched any pony media since...the season 5 finale?
About your third paragraph, I mean, it could happen? but like I said in the previous sentence I haven't actually watched any pony media since the season 5 finale. Uh...Make New Friends but Keep Discord was season 5, right?
11143463
Bruh you've never watched the best episode "The Perfect Pear"?!?
11143762
No, no I have not. Like I said, I only watched up to the finale of Season 5, and even then, I only watched a few episodes that were actually IN Season 5.
11144116
Go watch it! It's so good and also William Shatner guest stars!
11144825
He does? Huh. I might actually have to watch it then!
11144825
Aw, the show left Netflix on February 1st!
11145397
That's not very Cash Money of it