“A children's story that can only be enjoyed by children is not a good children's story in the slightest.” - C.S. Lewis
Discord has won. Ponyville has been twisted into a place where chaos reigns supreme. The Mane 6 were far too powerless to win the fight against him.
So all he has to do is transform Twilight into a being of pure chaos to maintain his rule over this place while he conquers Equestria.
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expanding would be nice
5971190
I'll see what I can do.
Gotta say it's written fine but, well I just don't like seeing Twilight murdered or Discord committing murder, cause face it he murdered her in this story.
5971586
I intended this to be a transformation type of fic...
ah, i thought it would have backfired on discord and she would have still defeated him, just using his own medicine.
5971706
Discord erased Twilight's memories, her personality and even changes her cutie mark, he may have not killed her body, but he murdered her soul. Lots of dark fics use gore and violence to try and communicate horror, but think he really horrifying what Discord does here really is. The actual down side here might be what the response from Celestia will be, Discord has murdered the closest thing to a daughter she had, the grief, rage and gilt could cause her to actually do everything in her power to KILL Discord in the most painful way.
5971996
I like that idea. May become a story later.
5972185
Well, I do intend for the next one for Celestia to find out. Maybe she'll get Twilight back? I'm not 100% sure right now.
I will admit I'd have preferred more of a fusion of Twilight and Discord/Screwball rather than a full transformation since at this point Twilight basically isn't even a character anymore. Oh well, Twilight being altered is still a fun idea!
"Thoughts of causing chaos to Ponyville's residents translated from being horrific to downright enjoyable, thoughts of being Discord's right hand in his takeover of Equestria, thiughts of becoming the most frightening pony that not even Celestia and Luna knew of." You misspelled thoughts
6012054
Didn't even see that. Has now been fixed.
This was really good! Really wish there were more of it though. Heck, if I weren't to busy I'd be tempted to write a story with this concept, done differently of course, but the concept is intriguing I'd like to see it explored more by you and other writers. And in my opinion that's what makes a story great, when the concept is so perfectly unique you wanna see other writers explore something similar. So kudos to you my good author!
And on that note, yes please do expand upon this in future stories. Since your the original author I feel that would be the best way to see more expanded upon.
6161111
Right now, a sequel is currently in the works, starring Celestia, Discord, and Apple Bloom.
And thanks so much for liking this! It was just a totally random idea and it evolved into a really good story
6161247
Glad to hear it! And of course, this is a good idea! And I love it when good ideas like this get popular, it inspires others to take it in a new direction, which will inspire more writers and more stories, and so on, and so on, and so on.
this is truly unique and very awesome please write more this has great potential.
6223581
Thanks! And a sequel is currently being written.
I really want to like this story, but I can't. I apologize in advance for the wall of text I've written up for you.
I love this idea. Discord being a father has never been a favorable headcanon of mine, however him turning Twilight into his own creation and revering her as a daughter of sorts makes a lot of sense and I quite like it.
However the way it's written here is a bit awkward. The inspiration form the song is very obvious. I personally don't like it when people incorporate lyrics into a story without them actually singing said song, but again, personal opinion. However, the song in question here does not follow the idea portrayed in your fic, and so the lyrics you chose don't work so well in some places. ("I missed you Daddy" doesn't quite fit in well. She couldn't have missed him because she was 'birthed' only minutes ago.... Unless Twilight secretly had a taste for chaos that allowed such an easy transformation and reason for her to miss him (provided she kept some of her memories), but then she wouldn't have been a very good element bearer in the first place)
This leads me to another problem, a lot of things just generally don't make sense. How much of Twilight's old self does she retain? How much does she remember? Why does she refer to him as Daddy? Is it only because he calls her daughter? Is she conscious of the fact he basically created her from the broken mind of another mare?
This leads to another question. You write from an omniscient pov, however, Twilight's thoughts are only written during the first part of the rocky transformation. I would've loved a lot more of Screwball's thoughts.
What do I mean by rocky transformation? Throughout the whole story (But especially during the transformation) you also tell a lot more than you show.
You will get better with time, but making sure to re-read your works and show a bit more rather than tell us everything will most definitely increase the quality and length of your stories, which is never a bad thing.
Remember, concept is the best part of a story. No matter how good the writing, I could never read a story with a boring concept. However, I am willing to slog not-that-great writing if the concept is good enough. You've got the concept, so you're already halfway there! If you ever choose to revise this story, I'd be more than happy to read it!
5971706
well i do not understand very much
more usually in a history of transformation
only the body changes and not the mind
you could have added thoughts and emotions to the twin, making it become a chaotic version of it, even more having a bit of the original twin in it
Actually, disappointment. Whole 'story' is just a transformation. That not even a story then. Also, you forgot about horn. Also, ____________.
I remember reading this story a long time ago. It's still quite odd.
Yooo Loved this lil screwball story!
Will this be getting a sequel?