Fleetfoot... well, congratulations dude, you live with two mares who only tolerate you, one barely. Maybe look into griffon housing, they seem to like you. Of course, they could be lying too... who wants to become a hermit?
so i see a third roomate. the octavia being part of a mob, twilight wanting a "sample" i can't find the third fourth one i think i might be wrong with these three? am i right?
5945432 Don't worry, they will see the error of their ways. 5945458The references are more relating to titles of certain stories. The references are very subtle, but looking in the description will show exactly what the four references are.
5945499 so i am confused? i look at titles or descriptions of stories? i think i might know what you are saying, but i just need some confirmation. pls. P.S. great story a good read and hopefully a story that can make my highschool junior year end in a good note.
Wow, the me in this story is pretty stupid he just decided to stay in an emotionally abusive relationship out of curiosity and fear that the next one might be worse. I can not even begin to understand that logic. Good chapter though.
5945618 So far you're three for four with The Third Roommate, Lyra's Confession, and Bon Bon's Acceptance. I was also talking about the description on this story if you click the 'more' button. I also don't mind your replies as it means that you've read the story and have something to say about so I can also possibly respond to.
5945631 Glad you liked it. Mark isn't entirely stupid, but he doesn't really know when to back down from something. He may be in an emotionally abusive relationship, but his stubborn mind won't let him quit until he gets some answers.
Man, I didn't know fleet foot disliked him as well. That's rough bud. I'm surprised he didn't tell Luna r twilight that they hate him. It's tough to act like you don't feel bitter when everyone is going on about how great someone is when around you they are just jerks.
im not mad that fleetfoot is pretending to be nice to him or the fact that you wont tell us what tia and luna wont tell him, i mad because he isn't, nothing on yelling no throwing the papers at them and storming off only slightly crumpling up the papers in his hand. really i would have ripped up the papers thrown them at the two and then yelled at the princess's for having to basically pay somepony to take me in, i mean really he just lets it slide on confrontation
5945499 I know one is to find a rainbow!! And I think all his friends from earth are the characters in the stories your referencing. Like TheKingBee said, you had Chris from Bon Bon's Acceptance, and you had Maurice (I think) from the Third Roommate which you said in the story, and Will from To Find a Rainbow, which again you said in the story.. As for the fourth reference... You got me
Wow... Fleetfoot, I thought she was actually the good one of the two... now I'm just depressed ;w; AGGGHHH... if this was me I'd cry, I probably would... I'm horrible with my emotions, I need to have my dude card revoked.
Awesome job mate! Keep it up!
EDIT:! I just realized something... could one of the things be a reference to the story: The Third Roomate? by Enigmatic Otaku? 8'D heheh, good show!
I like the premise for this story, but I'm having a really hard time buying this character. This is a person who was plucked from their life and dropped in magic pony land, is constantly getting stares, which we have seen make him uncomfortable, at least sometimes, and now finds out that the ones who took him in don't care about him beyond his ability to supplement their income, and not only does he not confront them, in spite of the fact that one is already a fairly consistent bitch to him, but he doesn't even bother to inform the few ponies in whom he has confidence, who also happen to have the power to do something about it? Even worse, he doesn't even ask them to shed light on the situation, even though he's getting hurt by it, and KNOWS that they know more than they're letting on. Spitfire and Fleetfoot are one thing. They don't have a lot of canon characterization, and what little they have doesn't exactly reflect well on them. Heck, I'm rather enjoying your different (but very believable) take on them. The human character, though? I simply don't find him realistic. His lacking responses to the crap that life continues to heap upon him make him feel very fake. Apart from the severe distraction that the human provides, I really enjoy both the premise and the story itself. If nothing else, you've certainly got my attention, and I'm interested to see where this ends up.
The point of Easter Eggs is to not point them out by the way.
Decent chapter, but really those references just stuck out. I get it, you liked the other stories. Focus on making your story BETTER then theirs. Then they can make references to yours. I make subtle references to my old work as well but it isn't as jarring as yours.
All in all keep it up, I definitely see some improvement over the last few chapters. Plus I personally see Fleetfoot just bullshitting to Spitfire about her feelings. Clearly Spits broke some shit at home, Fleet is probably saying whatever Spits wants to hear.
The beginning of this chapter was very rocky. In just a few Paragraphs you stated Spitfire's continued abuse of him up until she flips like a playing card and starts to treat the main character with some semblance of decency, which should have raised some red flags for him to begin with, to Lyra' proposal plans and then into a brief look at Spitfire's and Mark's relationship to each other. Followed by a rather jarringly fast rundown of Mark's past friends and interactions before his transportation to Equestria. You summarized your main characters closest friends in less than six paragraphs. If chasing rainbows and Italian restaurants are supposed to have a significant role later in the story they need to be fleshed out in more than idle conversation, and I mention this because I don't see any other reason to have brought it up unless it was important or you just need the characters to talk. The chapter smoothed out a bit for a good portion with the exception of Mark's weak backbone to confront the mares on their lies and odd behavior, until we hit the big reveal as to why Spitfire and Fleetfoot agreed to house him and The Main Character has a little cry and storms off. Like others have said, his actions don't reflect a real person. A real person is flawed, he makes mistakes, he gets angry, he reacts. When he notices Luna react to his announcement of working for the two mares he doesn't press. She says she doesn't want to talk about it and he just shrugs and says 'ok'. I'm not going to go into the personal disbelief that Mark can see through a millennial year honed poker face when he can't see the signs on his roommates because that's a can of worms i just wont touch as it involves a lot of speculation from both of us on who Luna is or is not, but Mark spent the entirety of this chapter simply accepting everything that's been thrown at him because he put it as simple as 'could be better could be worse, so why bother?' . While I liked the brief interaction he had with Steel Wing, as it was much more of what two people talking sounds like, I can't help but think her mentioning the uniforms lack of wriggle room as an attempt to add sexual tension into the story, though that may just be her type of personality to casually address her discomfort with her suit as an ice breaker I just don't know enough about her to really speculate, but i felt the need to state that that was the feeling that came off. Don't let this discourage you, this chapter shows improvement over the last two and i hope the trend continues. I offer this as constructive criticism and not an attempt to change your story, I like the premise and promise of this story and if you feel that certain things need to stay in or be said in this story to head in the direction your seeking then don't alter your course. Full speed ahead, Captain!
5948562 To add to what he/she said, you need to have more situational awareness. After the characters come in from the rain they are bound to be soaking wet but they don't seem to do anything to dry off and then the main character sits on a couch while soaking wet. I'm sure Spitfire and Fleetfoot would not be happy with their furniture possibly being ruined. I also found the scene with Steel to be odd and out of place when she mentions the suit being tight in certain areas and the way the Main character is acting is really throwing me for a loop. Anywho, I find I enjoy the story and I'm only trying to give constructive criticism.
If I had been ripped from my home into a new reality and the people I considered like family set me up with two people who where openly antagonistic, and thought of me has a job to perform without any explanation at all my response would be "FUCK YOU ALL!"
Mark needs some major work done on him ASAP, because right now he's not coming through like a real person. At present Mark is not a character he is a plot device.
Firstly the guy has no emotions. This is really bad considering this is a first person story. Mark is the conduit through which we experience the story, yet we know practically nothing about him. A character's reactions is how you give them detail. What they like don't like, and how they treat people, but Mark doesn't react to anything. So far there have only been a few wobbles on his emotional spectrum before it flat lines again.
The guy is a puppet, and I'm not joking about this. 90% of what he has done in this story has been under the direction of someone else. And when he wasn't being directed he sat around and waited for someone to come along. Mark has done nothing of his own volition so fare in this entire story.
Frankly considering the above points a decent argument could be made that Mark is severely depressed. It certainty doesn't feel that way since whenever he speaks to himself or others he comes across has rather cheery but actions speak louder then words. His flat emotions, mopping, doing has tolled without any resistance, and giving up at the slightest resistance all speak very loudly that he has depression.
I will be sticking around for a bit has you have built an interesting séance with interesting characters, but if you can't find a pulse somewhere in Mark I'm afraid this story is going no where.
5955677 Right, the only emotion i felt through reading this is contempt. Which is not a good thing, he needs to grow a pair quickly. I would've already beaten the fuck out of both of those asshats, his non-reaction to being treated like shit is unacceptable. The way the princesses also treat him like property and won't help him is even worse. When I say property, I mean they treat him like an object not an individual. He apparently has no say in anything that goes on in his life which is terrible. I'm giving it one more chapter and then I'm going to quit, either he needs to become a character or the story is destined to fail.
And another thing: if neither Spits or Fleets like the guy, why are they putting up with him? they are Wonderbolts, national stunt stars! I don´t imagine them in need of money.
5957976 That was actually mentioned in this chapter, but it was only overheard dialogue so it was brief. they housed him in exchange for money from someone yet to be named.
“What would we do if he ended up hurt during that job? He needs to be kept safe so we can keep getting that monthly allowance for housing him,” Fleetfoot explained, her voice still remaining flat.
5958656 The how and why are a big part of the plot, its the reason you read the story. The situation will probably grow in complexity as more information and participants are revealed. the only thing I can tell you is to keep reading to find out or jump ship if it doesn't interest you. Personally, I'm going to give it a few more chapters. The story plot is interesting, its the implementation that's having trouble.
Well, this makes all for stories I read, liked and faved, by four different authors who have great ideas!
Keep up the great work! Can't wait to see when their shit hits the fan. Fleetfoot's fake kindness probably go to send him over. Have, Mark, repeat the same thing, Fleetfoot, said about him being, safe and healthy!
So just as we're going up the hill, ya shoot us the foot with that reveal.
Like lot of other people, I REALLY didn't like Mark's reaction nor his reasoning for wanting to stay. It was VERY unlikely for any normal human to react like nothing was wrong. I literally screamed "WHAT?!" when he said he was gonna fucking stay with them.
Talk about a fucking doormat. . .
Personally, I'd rather stay in a castle with people who like me, than two people who are being assholes to me. At that point, I wouldn't even give a damn what their personal issues are. That kinda shit is something THEY needs fix on their own damn time, Mark shouldn't be used as a guinea pig to fix up their fucked up mentality.
Man, I'm slowly getting pissed. . . I really hope this changes track soon. . .
....Pfft...haven't finished reading it yet, just laughing like an idiot cause of the second paragraph!
Oh Fleetfoot, I thought you were genuine.
Oh god.......fucking spitfire
You. Little. Shit... making me think that Fleetfoot is now the bigger asshole than Spitfire.
I eagerly look forward to the next installment!
Fleetfoot... well, congratulations dude, you live with two mares who only tolerate you, one barely. Maybe look into griffon housing, they seem to like you. Of course, they could be lying too... who wants to become a hermit?
The only reference I got was from the third roommate.
i can't wait till the next chapter this is really good.
Dammit man! So thats why she sounded so forced when she was being nice to him! I really hope they see how dickheaded theyre being...
so i see a third roomate. the octavia being part of a mob, twilight wanting a "sample" i can't find the
thirdfourth one i think i might be wrong with these three? am i right?5945432 Don't worry, they will see the error of their ways.
5945458 The references are more relating to titles of certain stories. The references are very subtle, but looking in the description will show exactly what the four references are.
5945499 so i am confused? i look at titles or descriptions of stories? i think i might know what you are saying, but i just need some confirmation. pls.
P.S. great story a good read and hopefully a story that can make my highschool junior year end in a good note.
5945499 srry about all my replies but is one of the references Lyra's confession/bon bon's acceptance?
Wow, the me in this story is pretty stupid he just decided to stay in an emotionally abusive relationship out of curiosity and fear that the next one might be worse. I can not even begin to understand that logic.
Good chapter though.
5945618 So far you're three for four with The Third Roommate, Lyra's Confession, and Bon Bon's Acceptance. I was also talking about the description on this story if you click the 'more' button. I also don't mind your replies as it means that you've read the story and have something to say about so I can also possibly respond to.
5945631 Glad you liked it. Mark isn't entirely stupid, but he doesn't really know when to back down from something. He may be in an emotionally abusive relationship, but his stubborn mind won't let him quit until he gets some answers.
i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/230/569/a08.jpg
Oh dear God. I swear, every time a fic talks about Twi taking "samples" from the human, I see this happening:
Found a little typo you may want to fix.
5945667 You're two for four on the references. That last one with Tenchi is hilarious, and I just watched the show after getting this chapter posted.
5945676 Thanks for pointing that out.
Man, I didn't know fleet foot disliked him as well. That's rough bud. I'm surprised he didn't tell Luna r twilight that they hate him. It's tough to act like you don't feel bitter when everyone is going on about how great someone is when around you they are just jerks.
im not mad that fleetfoot is pretending to be nice to him or the fact that you wont tell us what tia and luna wont tell him, i mad because he isn't, nothing on yelling no throwing the papers at them and storming off only slightly crumpling up the papers in his hand. really i would have ripped up the papers thrown them at the two and then yelled at the princess's for having to basically pay somepony to take me in, i mean really he just lets it slide on confrontation
Thank you for re-ruining my opinion of the wonderbolts. I was on the way back with at least Spitfire after a gentleman for mares by the this chapter
5945499
I know one is to find a rainbow!! And I think all his friends from earth are the characters in the stories your referencing. Like TheKingBee said, you had Chris from Bon Bon's Acceptance, and you had Maurice (I think) from the Third Roommate which you said in the story, and Will from To Find a Rainbow, which again you said in the story.. As for the fourth reference... You got me
5945458
Which one did she want a sample? I know I've seen that before...
Wow... Fleetfoot, I thought she was actually the good one of the two... now I'm just depressed ;w;
AGGGHHH... if this was me I'd cry, I probably would... I'm horrible with my emotions, I need to have my dude card revoked.
Awesome job mate!
Keep it up!
EDIT:!
I just realized something... could one of the things be a reference to the story: The Third Roomate? by Enigmatic Otaku? 8'D heheh, good show!
5945691 The Third Roommate, Lyra's Confession, Bon Bon's Acceptance and To Find a Rainbow.
I like the premise for this story, but I'm having a really hard time buying this character.
This is a person who was plucked from their life and dropped in magic pony land, is constantly getting stares, which we have seen make him uncomfortable, at least sometimes, and now finds out that the ones who took him in don't care about him beyond his ability to supplement their income, and not only does he not confront them, in spite of the fact that one is already a fairly consistent bitch to him, but he doesn't even bother to inform the few ponies in whom he has confidence, who also happen to have the power to do something about it? Even worse, he doesn't even ask them to shed light on the situation, even though he's getting hurt by it, and KNOWS that they know more than they're letting on.
Spitfire and Fleetfoot are one thing. They don't have a lot of canon characterization, and what little they have doesn't exactly reflect well on them. Heck, I'm rather enjoying your different (but very believable) take on them. The human character, though? I simply don't find him realistic. His lacking responses to the crap that life continues to heap upon him make him feel very fake.
Apart from the severe distraction that the human provides, I really enjoy both the premise and the story itself. If nothing else, you've certainly got my attention, and I'm interested to see where this ends up.
The point of Easter Eggs is to not point them out by the way.
Decent chapter, but really those references just stuck out. I get it, you liked the other stories. Focus on making your story BETTER then theirs. Then they can make references to yours. I make subtle references to my old work as well but it isn't as jarring as yours.
All in all keep it up, I definitely see some improvement over the last few chapters. Plus I personally see Fleetfoot just bullshitting to Spitfire about her feelings. Clearly Spits broke some shit at home, Fleet is probably saying whatever Spits wants to hear.
Well now, that happened
5945499 Guuuud, huehuehuehuehue...
I want em to kiss lol
5946115 Well in the Third Roomate she pesters the main human about a "sample"
5945651 oh *Face Palm* I feel silly now.
5947009
Oh yeah, that's right!! Thank you!!
5946617
All of this. I hate when the human protagonist is a whimper who let the ponies walk over him.
Fleetfoot you fucking bitch. Somebody get my gun. I'm having pony for dinner tonight.
The beginning of this chapter was very rocky. In just a few Paragraphs you stated Spitfire's continued abuse of him up until she flips like a playing card and starts to treat the main character with some semblance of decency, which should have raised some red flags for him to begin with, to Lyra' proposal plans and then into a brief look at Spitfire's and Mark's relationship to each other. Followed by a rather jarringly fast rundown of Mark's past friends and interactions before his transportation to Equestria. You summarized your main characters closest friends in less than six paragraphs. If chasing rainbows and Italian restaurants are supposed to have a significant role later in the story they need to be fleshed out in more than idle conversation, and I mention this because I don't see any other reason to have brought it up unless it was important or you just need the characters to talk.
The chapter smoothed out a bit for a good portion with the exception of Mark's weak backbone to confront the mares on their lies and odd behavior, until we hit the big reveal as to why Spitfire and Fleetfoot agreed to house him and The Main Character has a little cry and storms off. Like others have said, his actions don't reflect a real person. A real person is flawed, he makes mistakes, he gets angry, he reacts. When he notices Luna react to his announcement of working for the two mares he doesn't press. She says she doesn't want to talk about it and he just shrugs and says 'ok'. I'm not going to go into the personal disbelief that Mark can see through a millennial year honed poker face when he can't see the signs on his roommates because that's a can of worms i just wont touch as it involves a lot of speculation from both of us on who Luna is or is not, but Mark spent the entirety of this chapter simply accepting everything that's been thrown at him because he put it as simple as 'could be better could be worse, so why bother?' .
While I liked the brief interaction he had with Steel Wing, as it was much more of what two people talking sounds like, I can't help but think her mentioning the uniforms lack of wriggle room as an attempt to add sexual tension into the story, though that may just be her type of personality to casually address her discomfort with her suit as an ice breaker I just don't know enough about her to really speculate, but i felt the need to state that that was the feeling that came off.
Don't let this discourage you, this chapter shows improvement over the last two and i hope the trend continues. I offer this as constructive criticism and not an attempt to change your story, I like the premise and promise of this story and if you feel that certain things need to stay in or be said in this story to head in the direction your seeking then don't alter your course. Full speed ahead, Captain!
5947229 ^ This right here.
enjoyed it as always
stayclassy
5948562 To add to what he/she said, you need to have more situational awareness. After the characters come in from the rain they are bound to be soaking wet but they don't seem to do anything to dry off and then the main character sits on a couch while soaking wet. I'm sure Spitfire and Fleetfoot would not be happy with their furniture possibly being ruined. I also found the scene with Steel to be odd and out of place when she mentions the suit being tight in certain areas and the way the Main character is acting is really throwing me for a loop. Anywho, I find I enjoy the story and I'm only trying to give constructive criticism.
If I had been ripped from my home into a new reality and the people I considered like family set me up with two people who where openly antagonistic, and thought of me has a job to perform without any explanation at all my response would be "FUCK YOU ALL!"
Mark needs some major work done on him ASAP, because right now he's not coming through like a real person. At present Mark is not a character he is a plot device.
Firstly the guy has no emotions. This is really bad considering this is a first person story. Mark is the conduit through which we experience the story, yet we know practically nothing about him. A character's reactions is how you give them detail. What they like don't like, and how they treat people, but Mark doesn't react to anything. So far there have only been a few wobbles on his emotional spectrum before it flat lines again.
The guy is a puppet, and I'm not joking about this. 90% of what he has done in this story has been under the direction of someone else. And when he wasn't being directed he sat around and waited for someone to come along. Mark has done nothing of his own volition so fare in this entire story.
Frankly considering the above points a decent argument could be made that Mark is severely depressed. It certainty doesn't feel that way since whenever he speaks to himself or others he comes across has rather cheery but actions speak louder then words. His flat emotions, mopping, doing has tolled without any resistance, and giving up at the slightest resistance all speak very loudly that he has depression.
I will be sticking around for a bit has you have built an interesting séance with interesting characters, but if you can't find a pulse somewhere in Mark I'm afraid this story is going no where.
5955677 Right, the only emotion i felt through reading this is contempt. Which is not a good thing, he needs to grow a pair quickly. I would've already beaten the fuck out of both of those asshats, his non-reaction to being treated like shit is unacceptable. The way the princesses also treat him like property and won't help him is even worse. When I say property, I mean they treat him like an object not an individual. He apparently has no say in anything that goes on in his life which is terrible. I'm giving it one more chapter and then I'm going to quit, either he needs to become a character or the story is destined to fail.
Damn. Mark... keep yo head up. Just keep thinking good thoughts... or punch the shit out of something.
5948562
And another thing: if neither Spits or Fleets like the guy, why are they putting up with him? they are Wonderbolts, national stunt stars! I don´t imagine them in need of money.
5957976
That was actually mentioned in this chapter, but it was only overheard dialogue so it was brief. they housed him in exchange for money from someone yet to be named.
5958118
Yes, but why do they need the money. How much can win Spitfire as captain of the Wonderbolts in a month?
5958656
The how and why are a big part of the plot, its the reason you read the story. The situation will probably grow in complexity as more information and participants are revealed. the only thing I can tell you is to keep reading to find out or jump ship if it doesn't interest you. Personally, I'm going to give it a few more chapters. The story plot is interesting, its the implementation that's having trouble.
Well, this makes all for stories I read, liked and faved, by four different authors who have great ideas!
Keep up the great work! Can't wait to see when their shit hits the fan. Fleetfoot's fake kindness probably go to send him over. Have, Mark, repeat the same thing, Fleetfoot, said about him being, safe and healthy!
So just as we're going up the hill, ya shoot us the foot with that reveal.
Like lot of other people, I REALLY didn't like Mark's reaction nor his reasoning for wanting to stay. It was VERY unlikely for any normal human to react like nothing was wrong. I literally screamed "WHAT?!" when he said he was gonna fucking stay with them.
Talk about a fucking doormat. . .
Personally, I'd rather stay in a castle with people who like me, than two people who are being assholes to me. At that point, I wouldn't even give a damn what their personal issues are. That kinda shit is something THEY needs fix on their own damn time, Mark shouldn't be used as a guinea pig to fix up their fucked up mentality.
Man, I'm slowly getting pissed. . . I really hope this changes track soon. . .
5965770 you mad bro?
This guy needs a pear, and quick.
He might just get scurvy.