A new chapter one week later, maybe more stories should go on hiatus if this is the kind of results we get.
The story continues to improve has we see more about the characters. Now the ones in need of this development are Spitfire and Fleetfoot themselves. Though what's with everyone trying to push them together? This portrayal of Mark has 'the only one' capable of being their close friend is being laid on rather heavy.
“There’s a spot a couple centimeters below the joint where the wings connect. Press against that area with varying degrees of pressure for different results. To get their bodies to tense up, like I did with Surprise, just use the same amount of force you use to snap a cracker in half.”
Now this is the kind of thing you really need to practice first in order to be able to do it right. Of course when doing it wrong has this kind of potential.
“That’s a little upsetting, but I’m not mad.” Steel relaxed, giving a small smile that I wasn’t going to yell at her or break off our friendship. “Pinkie has done her fair share of bad timed pranks, and I’ve learned to shrug it off. I know Surprise meant no harm in what she did and I thank her for trying to lighten the mood.”
I'm liking this story but my one big complaint is that the pacing of this story feels like the beginning is really slow. This chapter feels like about the right pace. The main reason I believe the pacing is the reason the story feels slow to me is that this story is titled as a romance and we're over 35k words in and no actual even beginnings of a real romance have begun, just the basics of backstory and setup.
I really had to force myself through this chapter, so far nothing that has been revealed about Spitfire or Fleetfoot has made their previous actions anymore forgivable in my eyes. Adding to that it was stated that they are still treating Mark basically the same as before, which means to me that not only are their previous actions still unforgiveable they are still adding more on top of that. What's worse is that it feels like the story wants me to feel sorry for them. They don't deserve a friend like Mark so far all they have shown is that they want to abuse and take advantage of him in my opinion. I will read two more chapters if by then nothing has made Spitfire or Fleetfoot more sympathetic I will thumb down and go as I originally intended. On a much lighter note form a technical stand point this is an excellent chapter and I love Surprise and Steel. I wonder if we will get to see their children, I hope so. I am kind of missing Celestia and Luna hope we get to see more of them in future chapters.
5997111 What can I say, some things you do make me really happy while other things make me want to go on a rant. At the end of it all I really do like your writing and the story is definitely not bad, but I will voice my opinions the good and the not so good. Honestly, I'm happy with where the story is going and the pacing and world building are top tier it really is just Spitfire, Fleetfoot, and Marks relationship that brings it all down for me and that is because I have so much in common with all three of them.
5997275 Let's just see where the next two chapters take us because with or without my opinion this is still your story, If I dislike it that is on me. It is clear from the other comments that my opinion is the minority keep up the good work.
is there going to be a special type of alcoholic drink in this fanfic like the others bon bon's acceptance has the mojito, and daiquiri is in The third Roomate, still haven't read to find a rainbow to see a special alcoholic drink.
6003354 The four of us are planning nothing. I hardly talk to Jeremy, unless in Puss' art stream, and I think Jeremy hates me anyways. Puss I enjoy talking with since I've used a few of his ideas because I thought they fit well. Enig has been pretty funny to talk with, but nothing much there. I think Puss and Jeremy are planning something, though, but I'm not sure if they've decided to follow through with it.
I think this will be my last comment, but...it just feels so unrealistic. The sudden change in interactions and the now seemingly genuine interest in a date just make the first few chapters seem almost fake, like they never happened besides mentioning events from them. You're not a bad author by any means. Your characters are pretty well written, your dialogue feels natural for the most part, and you write scenes with enough detail to get a clear mental image on whats happening, but your writing on the interactions between Mark, Fleetfoot, and Spitfire feel so artificial and forced. Ironically, dialogue between the two pegasi feels natural, but when Mark is added to the mix, it just falls apart. Even if i dont end up writing another comment, i will read the rest of this, and i hope against my suspicious nature that things will start to lighten up soon. I can only take so much abusive behavior before i can't handle it anymore and need to stop reading. Reminds me too much of my own experiences...
Its a bar......... Hehehe
Great chapter please keep up the brilliant work with this story.
Now to wait for bar shenanigans.
A new chapter one week later, maybe more stories should go on hiatus if this is the kind of results we get.
The story continues to improve has we see more about the characters. Now the ones in need of this development are Spitfire and Fleetfoot themselves. Though what's with everyone trying to push them together? This portrayal of Mark has 'the only one' capable of being their close friend is being laid on rather heavy.
Now this is the kind of thing you really need to practice first in order to be able to do it right. Of course when doing it wrong has this kind of potential.
5994390 You know you're just asking too much much?
He will get to that as the story has like just started wait!
That family guy reference tho
Can't wait for more!
Aww, isn't that sweet of him. *rolls eyes*
Whooo! Another epic chapter in this story of awesome~
Squees everywhere.
Awesome work and nice job!
Heheheh, looks like he learned the truth, and he's going through with trying to make friendsies with em/
Nice.
I like the story quite a bit! But the chapters could come out a bit faster.... just saying
So a Fleetfoot a Spitfire and a Mark walk into a bar...
5994676 No.
Good work once more!
I'm liking this story but my one big complaint is that the pacing of this story feels like the beginning is really slow. This chapter feels like about the right pace. The main reason I believe the pacing is the reason the story feels slow to me is that this story is titled as a romance and we're over 35k words in and no actual even beginnings of a real romance have begun, just the basics of backstory and setup.
i feel a disturbance in the force! i see in the next chapter...POSSIBLE DRUNK SHENANIGANS!
He's gonna accidentally get a hold of some alcohol without realizing it isn't he?
I really had to force myself through this chapter, so far nothing that has been revealed about Spitfire or Fleetfoot has made their previous actions anymore forgivable in my eyes. Adding to that it was stated that they are still treating Mark basically the same as before, which means to me that not only are their previous actions still unforgiveable they are still adding more on top of that. What's worse is that it feels like the story wants me to feel sorry for them. They don't deserve a friend like Mark so far all they have shown is that they want to abuse and take advantage of him in my opinion. I will read two more chapters if by then nothing has made Spitfire or Fleetfoot more sympathetic I will thumb down and go as I originally intended.
On a much lighter note form a technical stand point this is an excellent chapter and I love Surprise and Steel. I wonder if we will get to see their children, I hope so. I am kind of missing Celestia and Luna hope we get to see more of them in future chapters.
5997103 That's the most 180 attitude turn I have ever seen.
5997111 What can I say, some things you do make me really happy while other things make me want to go on a rant. At the end of it all I really do like your writing and the story is definitely not bad, but I will voice my opinions the good and the not so good. Honestly, I'm happy with where the story is going and the pacing and world building are top tier it really is just Spitfire, Fleetfoot, and Marks relationship that brings it all down for me and that is because I have so much in common with all three of them.
5997186 There is still a lot to develop for their relationship.
5997275
Let's just see where the next two chapters take us because with or without my opinion this is still your story, If I dislike it that is on me. It is clear from the other comments that my opinion is the minority keep up the good work.
Can't wait to see how drunk and frisky they get huehuehue
Why do I see that pressure point becoming a much more frequently referenced spot.....
Bar fight and possible friskiness inbound!
is there going to be a special type of alcoholic drink in this fanfic like the others bon bon's acceptance has the mojito, and daiquiri is in The third Roomate, still haven't read to find a rainbow to see a special alcoholic drink.
6002821 There will be two special drinks.
6002886 hooray it honestly seems like you 4 guys are planning something together, but i may just be reading to deep into it
6003354 The four of us are planning nothing. I hardly talk to Jeremy, unless in Puss' art stream, and I think Jeremy hates me anyways. Puss I enjoy talking with since I've used a few of his ideas because I thought they fit well. Enig has been pretty funny to talk with, but nothing much there. I think Puss and Jeremy are planning something, though, but I'm not sure if they've decided to follow through with it.
Then again, I think most people hate me anyways.
Shenannigans. I vote for shenannigans
6003395
Great job on concealing the 4 way crossover we're planning, Duel.
......I meant to PM this....
6005292 I highly doubt I was going to be allowed anywhere near that crossover.
6005721 scontent-lax1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/11220885_1636815603205458_2401405431393291640_n.jpg?oh=936e110bcd7cda5f21b5fed517f3343a&oe=5606008F
6006503 Thank you for that, but I think the main reason is because I think Jeremy doesn't like me that much.
6006511
I suspect the same with me, but eh, I chalk that down as his character.
6006516 Same here.
Can we change Mark's name to Brick? Dude seems to have an obsession with punching.
God dammit OP it's 4:35am and I can't sleep because of your pony stories
rainbowdash.net/file/lyokotravels-20120104T093835-zn5yn53.jpeg
rainbowdash.net/file/lyokotravels-20111204T103057-ybgs9g7.jpeg
ok now i can continue reading... got my mood straight up and about.
cant wait to read the rest of the chapters!
This is going to be good. ~hug
6450749 and after many weeks later, I find myself in the same boat. 4:46AM
7291769 I have become the insomniac, destroyer of sleep.
Now we just need the what if side story of him and Soarin.
I think this will be my last comment, but...it just feels so unrealistic. The sudden change in interactions and the now seemingly genuine interest in a date just make the first few chapters seem almost fake, like they never happened besides mentioning events from them. You're not a bad author by any means. Your characters are pretty well written, your dialogue feels natural for the most part, and you write scenes with enough detail to get a clear mental image on whats happening, but your writing on the interactions between Mark, Fleetfoot, and Spitfire feel so artificial and forced. Ironically, dialogue between the two pegasi feels natural, but when Mark is added to the mix, it just falls apart. Even if i dont end up writing another comment, i will read the rest of this, and i hope against my suspicious nature that things will start to lighten up soon. I can only take so much abusive behavior before i can't handle it anymore and need to stop reading. Reminds me too much of my own experiences...
I'm done. The pacing is just bleagh.