The feels were strong here, I think you did a good job with the emotional weight this chapter was supposed to have. There was one thing that was a bit distracting for me, and that was Ever Ring. Seeing that name and seeing it attached to a unicorn just made me think of Ever Ring from Gentlemen for Mares. I don't think it's the same mare but seeing the name just gets me thinking of a completely different character, personality wise. Doesn't need to be changed or anything, I just felt the need to point it out because I doubt I'm the only one who will think this.
6104077 Yeah, that was the weird part. I had thought up Ever Ring as I made this chapter (not saying I created her, though). Then as I wait to hear from my editors, I read Gentleman for Mares, only to see there was a unicorn named Ever Ring. I wanted to scrap the character I created, but nothing else that I thought of worked out better than using my version of Ever Ring.
Also, I have been supporting you're stories ever since I first came on this site.
You're an awesome writer, and people should understand that. But they don't, and hopefully people will understand how nice of a guy you are and how good of a writer you are just like how me and all of your followers understand you as well :)
Good. Mark has finally broke through Fleetfoots emotional wall. Hopefully she will now be more open with him.
Now if only Mark would punch Ever Ring in the face. That's what I would do for being mean to foals. Especially to cute little thestral foals. Everglade Could nom on me all day and the pain would be worth it... wait... . . . That sounded better in my head. Damnit. You know what I mean!
*Ahem* Anyways... Dem feels bruh Hopefully the clouds will clear up and there will be sunny skies in future chapters. All this sadness is making me depressed. ( In a good way )
The orphanage part seemed rush and lacked a level of feels on, Marks, part. As well as, the thing with, Pyro, doesn't seem like something anyone would do to have children behave, not to mention that since all the children are young, how would they even know about her?!
Not saying that this chapter is bad, just needs work. My advice, get one of the other authors you share this 'universe' with and ask for there help, or someone else you know that has more experience with this kind of life. Most of the lines describing, Cloudsdale, during their walk/flight wasn't necessary and just dragged the story on. You may want to think about taking this chapter down for editing.
Still like the story. Just work on the emotional ties before we get to more of, Mark and Spitfire's, past.
I do think that this was a very touching and well written chapter, but I have one major problem with it. It came about waaaaaay, way, way, way, way to suddenly. Fleet Foot and Spitfire haven't had much of any presence in this story, and I don't recall any of their interactions with Mark being anything I would describe has friendly. Hell I don't remember him touching them other then that time he caught them, and carried them to bed. In a single chapter break Felt Foot goes from being cold and distant with Mark to being all touchy feely. She hasn't even known him for a month! So ya chapter was very good but it needed a lot more set up to be believable.
A few grips. I find it odd Fleet Foot blames Ever Ring for basically doing the same thing they did, letting Pyro go out in the storm. Although I managed to guess Fleet Foot had fallen asleep on Mark I wasn't certain until she woke up. You gave no details. A description of how she was snuggled up against Mark would of been appreciated.
I could of sworn I had three gripes. Aaa well it will probably come to me later. Oh now I remember. The scene at the orphanage was to short.
Ahhhhh maaan, this was full of sad feelz man... dang. I wanna hug Fleetfoot //sobs Now we know what happened... and it is depressing. DAMN YOU EVER RING! //criez
Wow does everyone have a sad backstory? Punching people in the face and orphan crushing. All we need is some parental abuse with Mark and we get 100 bonus points.
6105816 Ok. But, need more relatable feels from, Mark. Don't need his whole story in one go, but you have been building us up for things about his past, so let get more of that out there.
6106094 I don't plan on having Mark's entire backstory shared in one go. From everything I have planned, everyone will learn a piece of Mark's past to understand everything that has happened.
6105867 There's still more planned with the orphanage since this was only the first part. Also, the whole touching thing stuff is there because it's a spur of the moment because both are very emotional at the time. There's still more to work with as I continue writing this.
6106785 When I read romance I read it for the deep emotional connection between the people. All the sex and detail is meaningless without it. To have that emotion come out of nowhere, and has forced has this is deeply disappointing. It was an exhalent chapter, but I'm gest not feeling it, I'm not feeling the connection between them.
6105867 Really I get down votes for pointing out an obvious flaw in the story? For pity sake we find out more about Fleet Foot and Spitfire from other peoples exposition then we remotely do from their own characters!
6107243 It might also be because of slightly poor planning, but more romance is still meant to be built. I may have slightly messed up on it, but I still feel there is still much to work with. I guess the only real way to find out is I keep on writing with the romance stuff that still hasn't showed up yet.
6107243 I know what you're talking about, but I don't feel that Fleetfoot and Mark's conection is forced, just a little shallow.
Also, could you please work on your grammar? When you critique stories, you loose credibility with grammar like that...
Ever Ring = Dolores Umbridge? I was going to give her the benefit of the doubt when she was letting the foals play, but... Actually, she's just doing it for the money. She might be worse.
6109211 I have terrible grammar, is a fact. Everyone I know constantly reminds me of it, but unfortunately there are no essay solutions.
One of my favorite authors actually has much worse grammar. Their comments are full of errors, and they need several editors to make their story readable.
6106063 I always took it usually as the uncomfortable implication of what canines mean: that you eat meat. This would combine with a possible defense instinct to avoid the predator that could eat them leading to a fear response telling them "avoid this." Which would be a proper biological evolution to keep a prey species alive. Then again, it never made sense to me why most ponies would be bothered given Thestrals (fangs) and griffons (meat eaters as neither lions not eagles are known for their large herbivorous diets).
Magnificent chapter. Amazing how far the characters seem to have come in these last chapters and I can't wait to see how things develop between them from here
6109211 The way the story was told it should have been a flashback then details like Spitfire whimpering everytime she was burned or the shock of seeing Pyro crushed would have more weight. But that is just my novice opinion. finished (as of posting 201 stories) and have been reading at college level for seven years. But it is your story and I will happily enjoy this ride.
The feels were strong here, I think you did a good job with the emotional weight this chapter was supposed to have. There was one thing that was a bit distracting for me, and that was Ever Ring. Seeing that name and seeing it attached to a unicorn just made me think of Ever Ring from Gentlemen for Mares. I don't think it's the same mare but seeing the name just gets me thinking of a completely different character, personality wise. Doesn't need to be changed or anything, I just felt the need to point it out because I doubt I'm the only one who will think this.
That ending though.... THE FEELS!
6104077 Yeah, that was the weird part. I had thought up Ever Ring as I made this chapter (not saying I created her, though). Then as I wait to hear from my editors, I read Gentleman for Mares, only to see there was a unicorn named Ever Ring. I wanted to scrap the character I created, but nothing else that I thought of worked out better than using my version of Ever Ring.
6103910 I agree completely.
This story is good, and I enjoy it a lot.
Also, I have been supporting you're stories ever since I first came on this site.
You're an awesome writer, and people should understand that. But they don't, and hopefully people will understand how nice of a guy you are and how good of a writer you are just like how me and all of your followers understand you as well :)
Really feel for all those foals. Especially Everglade. Punished just for being who you are? They all really need some more happiness.
I freaking LOVED IT like omg i can't wait till the next chapters Hats off to you sir
I really hope that we get to learn more about Mark's past as well.
6104454 In time you will.
ok it has been a while since a story has made me cry.
Nice chapter, but there's a minor thing you may want to edit.
That should be "trip".
After reading this, I feel a little more sad inside.
Keep bringing the feels.
Are Thestrals bat-ponies?
Good. Mark has finally broke through Fleetfoots emotional wall. Hopefully she will now be more open with him.
Now if only Mark would punch Ever Ring in the face. That's what I would do for being mean to foals. Especially to cute little thestral foals. Everglade Could nom on me all day and the pain would be worth it... wait... . . . That sounded better in my head. Damnit. You know what I mean!
*Ahem* Anyways... Dem feels bruh
Hopefully the clouds will clear up and there will be sunny skies in future chapters. All this sadness is making me depressed. ( In a good way )
6105209 Thestrals are bat ponies.
The orphanage part seemed rush and lacked a level of feels on, Marks, part. As well as, the thing with, Pyro, doesn't seem like something anyone would do to have children behave, not to mention that since all the children are young, how would they even know about her?!
Not saying that this chapter is bad, just needs work. My advice, get one of the other authors you share this 'universe' with and ask for there help, or someone else you know that has more experience with this kind of life. Most of the lines describing, Cloudsdale, during their walk/flight wasn't necessary and just dragged the story on. You may want to think about taking this chapter down for editing.
Still like the story. Just work on the emotional ties before we get to more of, Mark and Spitfire's, past.
6105757 There are still some things unaddressed because this is only part one. This, at best, is probably a two part chapter.
I do think that this was a very touching and well written chapter, but I have one major problem with it. It came about waaaaaay, way, way, way, way to suddenly. Fleet Foot and Spitfire haven't had much of any presence in this story, and I don't recall any of their interactions with Mark being anything I would describe has friendly. Hell I don't remember him touching them other then that time he caught them, and carried them to bed. In a single chapter break Felt Foot goes from being cold and distant with Mark to being all touchy feely. She hasn't even known him for a month! So ya chapter was very good but it needed a lot more set up to be believable.
A few grips. I find it odd Fleet Foot blames Ever Ring for basically doing the same thing they did, letting Pyro go out in the storm. Although I managed to guess Fleet Foot had fallen asleep on Mark I wasn't certain until she woke up. You gave no details. A description of how she was snuggled up against Mark would of been appreciated.
I could of sworn I had three gripes. Aaa well it will probably come to me later.
Oh now I remember. The scene at the orphanage was to short.
Ahhhhh maaan, this was full of sad feelz man... dang. I wanna hug Fleetfoot //sobs
Now we know what happened... and it is depressing.
DAMN YOU EVER RING! //criez
Good job
Wow does everyone have a sad backstory? Punching people in the face and orphan crushing. All we need is some parental abuse with Mark and we get 100 bonus points.
Though we get some with the orphan keeper.
Still reading though, that's a plus.
This again how can anyone think human canines are scary? Even horses can do more damage with their bite than us.
Liek if u crie everytiem
6105816 Ok. But, need more relatable feels from, Mark. Don't need his whole story in one go, but you have been building us up for things about his past, so let get more of that out there.
i492.photobucket.com/albums/rr289/axlthehedgehog_2008/responses/the%20feels/f8d8dcdcaabf2a0f2120a4adc3d31d73.jpg.gif
stayclassy
The feel is strong in this one.
Damn.
6106094 I don't plan on having Mark's entire backstory shared in one go. From everything I have planned, everyone will learn a piece of Mark's past to understand everything that has happened.
6105867 There's still more planned with the orphanage since this was only the first part. Also, the whole touching thing stuff is there because it's a spur of the moment because both are very emotional at the time. There's still more to work with as I continue writing this.
6106000 At least you're still reading, so yeah, that's a plus for me.
6106785 When I read romance I read it for the deep emotional connection between the people. All the sex and detail is meaningless without it. To have that emotion come out of nowhere, and has forced has this is deeply disappointing. It was an exhalent chapter, but I'm gest not feeling it, I'm not feeling the connection between them.
6105867 Really I get down votes for pointing out an obvious flaw in the story? For pity sake we find out more about Fleet Foot and Spitfire from other peoples exposition then we remotely do from their own characters!
6107243 It might also be because of slightly poor planning, but more romance is still meant to be built. I may have slightly messed up on it, but I still feel there is still much to work with. I guess the only real way to find out is I keep on writing with the romance stuff that still hasn't showed up yet.
6107426 I guess so. I'm sure you can manage it.
6107243
I know what you're talking about, but I don't feel that Fleetfoot and Mark's conection is forced, just a little shallow.
Also, could you please work on your grammar? When you critique stories, you loose credibility with grammar like that...
Ever Ring = Dolores Umbridge? I was going to give her the benefit of the doubt when she was letting the foals play, but... Actually, she's just doing it for the money. She might be worse.
6109211 I have terrible grammar, is a fact. Everyone I know constantly reminds me of it, but unfortunately there are no essay solutions.
One of my favorite authors actually has much worse grammar. Their comments are full of errors, and they need several editors to make their story readable.
6109472
I take it that English isn't your first language?
6109490 English is my one an only language. butchered mess that it is.
Why is there a graveyard in Cloudsdale? Burying a body in clouds is a really bad idea.
WHY!!!?!?!?! My Liquid pride!!! Its leaving me!!!!
A moment of silence to pyro............
You were a good mare, maybe even the best.
tears have been shed tonight
6106063
I always took it usually as the uncomfortable implication of what canines mean: that you eat meat. This would combine with a possible defense instinct to avoid the predator that could eat them leading to a fear response telling them "avoid this." Which would be a proper biological evolution to keep a prey species alive. Then again, it never made sense to me why most ponies would be bothered given Thestrals (fangs) and griffons (meat eaters as neither lions not eagles are known for their large herbivorous diets).
6109719
So very true. Not to mention there has to be a sanitation issue there somewhere, I'm just to tired to think of it right now.
Magnificent chapter. Amazing how far the characters seem to have come in these last chapters and I can't wait to see how things develop between them from here
6109211
The way the story was told it should have been a flashback then details like Spitfire whimpering everytime she was burned or the shock of seeing Pyro crushed would have more weight. But that is just my novice opinion. finished (as of posting 201 stories) and have been reading at college level for seven years. But it is your story and I will happily enjoy this ride.
This was uploaded on my birthday! Beautiful work as always comrade, keep it up!
i'm liking this story so far. can't wait for more!
also i think that mare running the orphanage locked pyre in the shed.
6129408 *shrugs* I just picked it cause it fit the joke.
6133871 There is much more to come, which only makes me hope that everyone has paid attention to all tags that I've placed on this story.