- Member Since 14th Mar, 2012
- offline last seen April 25th
Baron Von Clop
Dumb gay retired writer. Used to run Neighvada Nights and BronyCon panels or something.
Baron Von Clop
Joined 14th Mar, 2012 ·
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Dark indeed. Maybe an epilogue where Cadance force-feeds Chrysalis love until she's the same size would be nice, but that's just me and my wishful thinking, I guess.
5735596
Considered it! But the story involves Cadence more or less devolving into mentally useless thanks to the abuse, so it doesn't work all that well. I did drop a few hints that Chrysalis got pretty damn big too, though.
yay my 2 favorite things
Weight gain
And Cadance (best pony)
5736602
Right? Fat Cadence is the best thing.
5736605 "hugs fat cadance"
wow... I... I have no words
But I do have a few questions
1 why did no one come looking for her
2 why at the very beginning, did Cadence not just smash the mirror with her magic and then use the shard to cut the straps
5736958
1. Who said nobody came looking for her?
2. She had a nullification ring on her horn. Magic was not able to be used. She attempted to use magic in the story.
Cadence... if it's any consolation... I HAVE heard Shining Armor's "into" larger mares. And if he sees you, compared to Chrysalis: It's no contest. Anyway, You're still you in there. There's just more of you to love. Besides, I THINK all that pent-up energy from all you've been eating has to go SOMEWHERE, and that nullification thingamajig can most likely only take SO MUCH so, why not try overloading that thing and teleporting out of there?
5737492
All that excess energy did go somewhere -- her belly, apparently.
5737519 I was trying to help her.
5737687
Bit late. She's kiiiinda fat.
Well, this was surprisingly enjoyable. I think a part of me wanted someone to write something like this, where a pony is trapped in a room and is forced to eat until they're humongous. And I think the pacing of the fattening in this story is pretty good. I actually really really enjoyed this story. Now, to be honest, I think it could use quite a bit of improvement, but since you're returning from hiatus, I don't know if you'd want to hear my criticisms or not (The only thing I'd like to bring up is a question about the situation, and it's a bit of a nitpick, I think: Wouldn't Cadence have dehydrated if she consumed nothing but chocolate cake?). Also, I haven't updated my paltry fat pony story in ages, so maybe I'm not the best to offer criticisms on it.
Anywho, though, it's earned a like from me.
5738440
I thought about that too (the dehydration thing) and I am willing to explain it away by just saying "magic". It's a fetish story, can't think too hard about small details like that.
I am curious to hear what needed improvement, though! I am always interested in hearing about that.
I need to see what would happen if she was fond by shinning armor.
5738917 It's a really moist chocolate cake.
DAAAAAAMN SON
This is dark as hell and I love it. You're an inspiration!
Now for the hambeast ending haha
You're great, this story is great, that cider you made is great
My review of Baron Von Clop is A++++
While I was thinking about what exactly to say, I came across a very uncomfortable (and hot) thought: Cadence is an alicorn. This means that she will live either forever or for a very long time. Your story says she'll never walk again. So I'm assuming that she will either eat and fatten up forever, or eat and fatten up for a very long time. And she will lose her ability to communicate and even think in the near future.
I would like to say, before I begin, that nothing I present is meant to either discourage or insult you; it is all just my thoughts on how I think this could've been better. It's also all just my opinion and speculation, so please don't take anything as fat—I mean fact, and please take it with a ton—a grain of salt. I don't like presenting myself as a high-honcho of literary criticism, because I'm not. I'm learning like (most?) everyone else is.
Anyway, I said that I had a problem with the setting and the pacing, and the former is much smaller than the latter. With the setting, my problem is related to something mentioned in the story's summary:
The problem with the summary, as far as I can tell, is that she doesn't feed her hive. In fact, Cadence only sees Chrysalis after all of this (I assume). It's pretty nitpicky, but I personally feel like having some Changelings around would've fleshed this out more, or having Chrysalis say that Cadence is exclusively for herself would've helped. I personally didn't feel like the setting was vivid enough for me to be immersed fully into it. For an imprisonment story, is Cadence being taken care of in ways other than through food and sleep (like hygiene)? Is she being maintained? Is she put on spectacle for anychangeling? Again, it's nitpicky, but I feel like having some mention of the changelings in either their inclusion or their exclusion in this would've helped make Cadence's situation more vivid.
If I wanted to get really nitpicky—and I don't—then I would ask for some mention of temperature, as excess fat means higher body heat, and that would lead me to wonder if the room temperature is adjusted for Cadence, or if she sweats like the pig she has become. But that would be getting into too much detail at this point.
What I will say positively about it is that for a fetish story, you put just enough for me to know where Cadence is, but make it vague enough for me to fill in my own details for my own pleasure (I personally picture Cadence in a semi-opulent room that's just bright enough for her to see, with the doorway being just behind the mirror so that Cadence can see how hopeless escape is when it's moved). I commend you for that!
With the pacing, I am aware that this is a fetish story that deals with fattening and with mental abuse, and I'm okay with the pacing of the fattening. I do have a problem with the pacing of the mental abuse, and it sorta relates to why I would've liked to have seen changelings in the story. Let me show you the two quotes that are most related to my complaint:
Leave it to me to speculate on things that may not matter, but why does Cadence not think about Shining Armor or her empire that much in this story? Her imprisonment is keeping her away from those she loves, but she's completely preoccupied with her figure here. I firstly think that's a bit selfish, but what really gets me is that Chrysalis doesn't talk about how she's letting down her family until the point where Cadence can't escape. If Chrysalis is bent on giving Cadence mental abuse until she thinks she's useless, then why stick only to her figure? This may speak something about Cadence that you're implying (or it may not), but Cadence has emotional connections that are not being broken. This may just be me moaning about nothing, but I don't feel like Chrysalis's mind-abusing is that strong.
And what is it about her not fighting hard enough that I think could be improved? From how I see it, Cadence's only means of struggling are thrashing her legs around. She can't move about, since she's chained to the bed, and she can't use her magic since it's nullified. So she's trapped there for a good long while. I'm okay with that.
She's also not allowed to stop eating since the process is automatic, and this, along with everything mentioned above, comes into conflict with her thinking she didn't fight hard enough. Perhaps I'm looking too literal into this, but where was she allowed to struggle? I'm okay with her thinking that she was unable to break her chains with might or magic, but I'm not okay with her resigning herself to growing fatter and blaming herself for it when she couldn't stop of her own free will. For me, the mental abuse to drive this forward isn't sufficient, partially because Chrysalis only attacked Cadence's figure. That, to me, doesn't come off as sinister; it rather comes off as petty.
In an attempt to summarize my thoughts on that, Cadence can't stop eating physically, so she blames herself for not being able to stop gaining weight, and Chrysalis keeps Cadence in this dark mindset by attacking the thing Cadence is resolved to ruining by the end. Where's the hope that Cadence can hold on to? Where's the thoughts of her family needing her or her kingdom coming to the rescue, and how she's letting them down? Where's the questioning of Cadence not doing anything at all to escape? I feel like there wasn't enough there to spur on Cadence's mental destruction.
But that may just be me.
This next part's speculation on my part, so feel free to ignore it.
Just to think about it, that's partially why I thought having other changelings would've been good. They could've impersonated ponies Cadence knew and/or loved in order to break down her mind, and as crystal ponies to make it seem like her own empire was all for her imprisonment and enblobbing (XD can't think of a more appropriate made-up word). Perhaps Chrysalis could've impersonated Celestia to chide her for her weight, and a high-ranking officer could've impersonated Shining Armor to show revulsion, really bringing her world crashing down.
And if I were to be really nitpicky—and I don't—I would ask about Cadence and Chrysalis's relationship in this, besides leech and luncheon. Does Cadence eventually take to Chrysalis in a Stockholm-Syndrome manner, or does she become completely shut off, just sitting in her own room forever/for a long time, just eating while Chrysalis leeches from somewhere private? Does Cadence eventually take pride in her obesity, as adding "a few hundred more pounds" seems to be on her mind and she eats willingly now, or does she still find revulsion in herself, or is she too jaded or mindfucked to care? Just things to think about in the future.
Those are my thoughts on how I think a story like this, with these characters, could be better. Again, it's all opinion, and it's all just meant as criticism, and not as discouragement or insult. I can't weight for your next piece!
5765337
Wow! Thanks so much for your thoughts. It isn't often (read: ever before) that I get such well thought out critique. I definitely find a lot of your points valid, but I do want to address certain things (and don't take this as me refusing critique, seriously):
The implication was that Chrysalis fed her hive with the love she pulled from Cadence. She's the queen, she was storing love with which to give to her drones. But you are right, this wasn't ever explicitly implied in the story and it fell flat. I can see where this was confusing if you weren't inside my head -- which happens a lot. I forget other readers aren't me who know exactly what my thoughts are.
These are simply things that, because of the nature of a fetish story, I gloss over. As I mentioned earlier, as a fetish work it skips a lot of things that aren't, well, hot. Hygiene (or lack of) and body heat (sweating) don't do anything for me fetish wise, so I don't mention them. Same reason I don't mention restroom use or anything like that -- it isn't a fetish for me, so I left it out of the story. Note: this isn't an imprisonment story as you said -- it was a fat fetish story, so I left out the "gross" details of imprisonment. Yes, being imprisoned happened, but it was really a just a vehicle for the weight gain. (Honestly, I'm not even really that big of a fan of the chain being around her -- I just couldn't think of anything less obtrusive. Bondage isn't big for me.)
Were I going for a straight dark story, regardless of fetish, you are 100% right and these points should have been addressed. But I feel glossing over these was the right choice because, again, the goal here was to be hot, not realistic. When I'm writing a fetish story, my first thought is "do I find this hot?" and if so, I go down that path. If I don't find it hot, I avoid it. (It's rather selfish, but my primary audience when I write kink stuff is myself, to be honest.)
You are absolutely, 100% correct and I have no defense for this. I definitely dropped the ball when it came to the pacing of the mental abuse; shifted far too quickly into "well I'm fucked o well I tried".
I've never really written anything like this -- the mental abuse part, I mean. I've done it a handful of times in roleplay and I figured I would wing it here, but it didn't go over very well. Definitely should have done some "research" into this kind of thing first. For what it is worth, using the Changelings to fuck with her would have been a beautiful idea and I wish I had thought of it! In hindsight it is pretty silly that I have her placed in a changeling hive and not once do the changelings use their natural ability to dick with people to really mess with her. When (if) I do a sequel, expect to see me use this, though! Like shit:
This would have been really hot.
I guess the train of thought I was on was she's locked in this room and the lack of social contact was driving her crazier than the abuse she was getting from Chrysalis. It seems selfish because she wasn't thinking about family and other people, but at the same time my thought process was she'd been doing nothing for months but eating, watching herself get bigger, and being taunted about her weight so it was literally all that was on her mind because she hadn't had any stimulation but eating for months. But I definitely see where I didn't drive that home enough, and that's my fault completely.
In essence, I got impatient. I don't know where the muse to start writing again came from and I think I got a little starry eyed because I nailed 4K words in a day after not writing for over a year. I should have slowed down and figured things like this out better, but alas, I rushed to post it because I was excited to be back, and the story suffers for it.
And also...
I plan to address this in the sequel. You aren't far off.
In all seriousness, thank you so much for your reply. I honestly really appreciate the critique!
5765426 I must thank you as well for teaching me a thing or two about fetish stories along the way. I understand your reasoning and it is fair and understandable; and I can understand the rush of the muses as well, as I've been struck by them and threw out whatever came to mind. Kudos for trying something new, though! I'm glad I could help out in some manner, and I shall await your (potential) sequel to this.
P.S. It appears as though you have a fan art
5765644
Indeed, and I had actually added a link to said fan art in the description as soon as I found it!
You know, kinda wanna see what happens when the ponies finally find Cadence.
Love it!
Will there be more of this i would love to read more
Prince Metamorphosis, alias "Tyke" (who looks eerily like what Shining Armor might look like, if he were a changeling... BTW, Metamorphosis is Chrysalis's son): "Miss Cadence? Or, is it Princess Cadence... I'm really not sure what to call you... Anyway... If... I'm not sure if it's any consolation, but... to be honest, I don't think anypony would care how you look on the outside. It's what inside that counts. And... I'm really sorry about what my mom did. I don't think she's noticed, but I have... the love you're putting out is... kind of bittersweet. If you want, I can come back, now and again, and... keep you company. Besides, you look sort of like... what I'd like in a female changeling. Basically, a girl like Mom... especially that size. And, between you and me, my Mom gets WAY bigger than you on the day she... um... helps make more workers..." Cadence stares. This might be the first Changeling who's shown her kindness in her imprisonment. How would she talk to him? She doesn't want to be alone... Metamorphosis (speaking through the "Hive Mind") "I'm pretty sure you've been here long enough to become attuned to the Hive Mind. We could try speaking through that... If you want..." Cadence smiles wearily, and a tear goes down one of her cheeks: "I'd... like that. Very much."
6326105 BTW, I made that part up, because this story is something of a downer, and... I just wanted it to end on a SLIGHTLY hopeful note.
kinda hope for a good ending, or maybe bad or an "ending A/B" type
I have mixed feelings on this. Yes, it's kinda hot, but part of me feels it doesn't work on a fundamental level.
Chrysalis is shown to be getting fat as well, but on what? What love? She didn't mind control Cadance into loving getting fat, to love eating. Cadance doesn't think of Shining, Twilight, or any other loved ones to the extent where she would feel love. Instead Chrysalis bodyshames her for getting fat, making her feel worse; sure she eventually eats to feel better, but she doesn't love it.
Basically feels like you could have used anypony else, for any other reason , and it would have fit better as a device.
At first I just thought it was hot as hell (it is), but Cadence completely giving in and making herself get even fatter actually kinda gives me an idea for a RomDram sequel.
Cady eventually gets so huge that Chrysalis' magical defenses can't keep up and her magical signature is able to be detected by the other Princesses. Cue rescue. But even after several magical rituals and surgeries, Cadance is still fat and her muscles are atrophied but refuses to eat anything and won't do her therapy or even go outside, still haunted by her year held captive by her own body.
So her friends and family have to save her again.
Just a little random idea in case the author was gonna ever use this universe again, or some further imagination fuel for my fellow cloppers.
Almost forgot to mention, this is seriously my favorite feeding story. Love the pacing, the psychological element, and just how big Cadance gets. Top-notch work!
7412944
That is an interesting idea, though I'll admit it's a little too dark for my tastes so I'd probably not write it. Shit, if someone else wanted to, though, I wouldn't oppose it.
Thank you for your kind words, too!
7413015
I'm just starting to get into writing again (and clop, as well, of all things) thanks to Megapone's Fapstravaganza Month, and already have a couple stories I'm working on; but if this is your blessing, then I'll definitely add the "Feedbag sequel" to my ideas and outlines notebook for attempting at a later date! I kinda hope someone more qualified picks up on it, but I can't say I don't like the idea of taking something dark and fetishy and turning it (eventually) into a loving happy ending... that's fetishy, myself.
7413112
I guess that would be considered my blessing, haha. I didn't particularly mean you had to do it; but if you wanted to write a sequel, yes, you have my blessing.
I look forward to it, if you ever do it!
Here's a little something before I give out my reaction.
Torture Porn: Involves gratuitous amounts of pain, not sex.
This seems like a Torture Porn, but Minus the pain. This has left me feeling uneasy (mostly from the second chapter though). I'm sorry, but I just cannot give this a pass. Even though you've put in effort, I'm afraid I'll have to give this story a downvote the same way 'Decadence' downvotes her self-worth and confidence in the second chapter.
And no, I'm not joking. I wish I was, and I'm sorry.
7694935
Uh, okay? Downvote whatever you want man, that's your prerogative and you don't need to justify it. Though I have to question why you're reading a fetish story if you're just going to complain about the fetish involved in it.
7695310 Curiosity got the better of me I suppose.
And I kinda go by the phrase 'Don't Knock it till you Try it.'
Water inflatation or one time gorging makes sense although this over time kind of thing makes me think she have a heart attack long before getting that fat. Well that or die from lack of any nutrients
Hm.