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Screwball: Chaos is Magic117 stories ·384 members
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After Discord was once again, turned to stone. He leaves a finale message to his daughter, asking her to go into hiding until he is able to free himself. One year later. Screwball hears rumors, that a certain Pegasus, has corrupted her father with her beliefs in harmony. Now, Screwball must take her revenge on the ponies herself. Now to stop her, the Mane six must delve into the past's of both father and daughter.
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The premise in itself is good. There are some spelling and grammar errors that are a little distracting though. I'd say to get an editor.
Also:
Basically every other instance where it's like (Character's name): (Their bit of dialogue.) Never, ever do this. It's one of the things on the list of rules when submitting stories.
Other than that, it's not bad.
I'll have to echo the "interesting idea but needs an editor" sentiment.
Okay so first things first I've got a long list of fixes but if you get to the end I have something to say.
I believe he has the head of a goat though I could be wrong.
You need to either make them all 2 or all two.
I beleive you mean radiated.
Tears
inevitable
enveloped
It's either 'before looking in horror one last time' or it's 'before crying out on horror one last time'
I think you left out a word
sorounding
things
else and remove the comma it isn't needed.
You do a good job of letting us know that it is discord who is speaking, you don't need to use 'Discord:' though you should consider italisizing it when he talks
Bastard or Blasted (which ever you were going to use)
get rid of the period before the and don't replace it with anything.
and gave a little smile
Substitute will for would
Their
Offering. Also take out all the commas and change the period to a comma
The description of fluttershy doesn't fit in smoothly and since all readers know who she is it isn't nessacary. Though if you wanted you could leave out her name and use 'A timid pink and yellow pegusus' or somthing similar instead.
Sealed. what is a colin doing there?
Replace the : with a , Also beutiful line
Bored. Unless his head is turned into a board, then it would be a pun
Wondered
Switching
Invite
Mundane
Straight or Strength.
Stared. You should change either Happy or Happilly into a synonem, using the term happy twice so close together isn't the best idea try, contently or content
Talon
Beautiful
frogot the e on the first like.
mean. The 'of course' seems out of place.
forgot the u on the first you
Shouldn't that be in quotation marks or is he talking in her head? also cut out the l on should and put a - instead of ... It adds an interupted effect
Furious
Nervous
Remove the period
take out the first ! of both
Whineing. remove the on
again is he thinking this, talking using his mind, or just talking.
I like this story, I can't wait to see where it's going, but it seems like you wrote this and immediately posted it with out going back over it. Some of the characters feel a bit OOC and you use commas too often and it makes reading harder, you need to go through and decide which ones are necessary. when you describe discord being turned to stone it feels like your trying to hard to make it sound dramatic and ... actually I don't know the word. You need to tone it down and take sometime combing it over till it shines.
This is actually the first time I was driven to go through and pick out the errors. I don't mean this as an insult quite the contrary, I thought this was worth the time. Try to take more time in revising and it will go a long way towards changing this decent story into a good story. As frustrating as it might be (and trust me I know from experience) try to go back and improve this chapter before going to the next one.
I can't wait to see what happens .
5614959 *surrounded
*whining
three words: please write more
5615151
Hey I never claimed I had the right answers
5615449 Wow. I knew I'd have a lot of mistakes, but just.... wow. But anyhow: Don't worry I'm getting an editor, before my next post. I never thought I'd say this, but thinks for pointing out all my mistakes.
Yeah, even I wasn't sure about doing that. Personally It seemed more practical, since you can clearly tell who is speaking. But, I'm of going to take everyone's advice and just use "word" from now on.
5615228
Can do.
5615449 But... you were... correcting him...
You kinda need the right answers to make corrections.
5615554
ah incorrect, I was simply making some observations and suggestions. Also your argument is invalid because of moonbeam labcoat
The next chapter should be ready Mon.-Tues.
one word: more
continued more im begin to see this going to be great
Agreed I would like to see this grow I find the idea most amusing
I am now watching this story to see where it goes. Good writing so far. And realistic character dev. Not that I know what I am doing judging somebody else's story
5721705 Thanks. Oh, and don't worry, you can judge me any time. (as long as you have something good to say, or else......)
For those who have noticed I do not respond to comments and favs really fast, I apologize. At the moment, I have very limited access to the internet, or else I would be more active in the community. But I am doing my best, and hopefully I will get better internet access sooner.
5753548
Its OK take your time
yay
Finally, the third chapter should be up by tomorrow of Friday at the latest. And don't worry, it will be A L0T longer then the last one. And finally, this story will be getting back on track.
5754078 Thanks
nice keep up the good work
5795130 Thanks. I should be able to get next chapter in sometime this week. Also, I'm working on a one shot I was going to do as well, so maybe I'll have them both up this.
Take your time to make a good chapter, no matter how long it takes and we will still read it. (As long it's not over 2 or more months) Beside problems happens so don't worry about it.
Can't wait till the next one!
5898977
Thanks, now fill a little less guilty. Oh, and I'll be sure two update in less then 2 months.
ch.6 now plz
Ooh. Our beloved Screwball has her chaotic powers!! I can't wait to see what's gonna happen!! :D
I love it so much! I love how you finished it and how Screwball turned like that. Love it!!!! Keep in the gr8 Work!
6683081 Thanks, I'm happy you enjoyed it. I hope to finally get back on track sometime the week, so it shouldn't be long before the next chapters up.
6688706 Yay! I cant wait for the new chapter.
Fluttershy be like
WHO IS THE.....[/color/]
MORE! NOW!
I declare this fic officially DEAD. R.I.P Rest in Pancakes.
Nooooooo! Please continue!ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
is this canceled
10273705
Author died. So yes.
10418267
what do you mean the author died
10418281
He hasn't been on in four years. He's dead.
10418293
I know someone that was not on for 5 years came back recently
10418317
1 in 10,000 chance. So sadly I don't think this guy is gonna reanimate like a zombie or something. So yea, dead.
10418342
u never know
10418349
Exactly. We don't. We can just assume he won't reanimate.
10418349
Exactly. We don't. We can just assume he won't reanimate.
10418362
as a wise person once said u should never assume
10418386
Yea, also who?
10418398
I can't remember who said that but they are wise that is all I can remember
great for Discord for dealing with those psychoducs