Introduction
In a strange and chaotic landscape, there was an odd dragon like figure with a horses head crowned in both a dear and a ram's horn, sat panicking in his large throne. Around him, half a dozen ponies with strange glowing jewelry, all levitated off the ground, covered in a rainbow like aura; they were the elements of Harmony: two earth ponies, two pegasi, and 2 unicorns filled thier ranks.
They're power irradiated from them: combining to form a huge rainbow like beam, about to strike down the insane god of chaos. The once prideful lord of chaos, now looked like he was about break into tear, crying for mercy. This was it, the monster that had almost destroyed their bonds forever, along with everything else the held dear, had been reduced to terrified mess, helpless to stop the enevtalble. Little did they know: some pony else was watching.
Looking out from afar, a certain odd little pony, with swirly pink eyes, watched in horror, as her father was emveleped, in a strange circle of rainbow colored lights, tearing up praying this wasn't happening. She saw one last bright blast of blinding light, before looking out in horror, one last time. She watched in shock, before breaking down in tears. Her father, the all powerful of chaos, had once again been reduced to a mear statue, with a look of fear and desperation frozen onto his still face. As the sarrounding landscape began to revert back to normal, the six cheered in celebration. Happy that it was finally over, the power of friendship and harmony had prevaled.
But Screwball on the other hand, had a much different view of thing. As her horror turned into fury, she prepared to charge in and kill the six. Not caring for anything eles, but watching those ponies pay for what they had just done. But before she could make a single move, she felt a strange force stopping her.
She looked around in confussion, only to her hear an all too familiar voice.
Discord: Wait.
She jumped up in shock. "Daddy?" She looked around for her father, but to no avail.
Discord: Not yet. If you go after them now, they'll just hit you with that..... rainbow light..... blast..... cannon thingy too. For now, just go and wait till the time is right.
Screwball froze in place; too stunned by the words that had just entered her mind. She had no idea what to think. But at that moment, she didn't care what happened to her. Just as long, as she made those six bastared ponies pay for what they just took from her. But none the less, while trying to fight back the tears in her eyes, the now sniffling little pony nodded her head. "Ok daddy." She burst into tears, as she realized there was no telling when and if she was ever going to see her father again.
Discord: Shh. Don't worry child, I'll be back soon enough. Till then, just run along and stay hidden for now. Let the fools have this victory, one battle will not stop the destruction of order for long. Soon my dear, we will make them suffer for this, but not now.
She tried to fight back the tears again, to no luck. Her mind quickly went back to just running out and killing them. Her eyes burst in rage, as she once again stair down at the six mercilious monsters, only thinking of painful ways to destroy them. But before she could carry out this deed, something started rubbing her chin. It was her father's now invisible touch, trying to comfort her.
Discord: Please do not cry my dear, I can asure you, that your daddy is still and will always be very much here. Now just ease your mind, know that I'll be fine. And when I get back, will both have our revenge. We'll make celestia and all her little ponies pay for what they have done today, and every other day we had to watch the full and her preciouse little ponies try to tame the worlds beutiful chaos, all while laughing and chewing on cotton candy popcorn, as all her little ponies all drown in choclate rain. But for now, it's time for you to hide, my little spawn. And just wait for your daddy to come for you. Becouse only then, will we finally be free.
She finally managed to wipe away the rest of the tears, and gave out a little smile.
Discord: Good, now run along and find a place to hide. As soon as I get free again, It'll be time to make the little fools suffer. And then, we can have our own little chaotic kingdom, built on the remains at what was once Equistria.
He gave out an evil chuckle, before silencing.
She looked down and gave one last hateful look at the monsters that had just taken everything from her, hoping to do the same to them one day, before finally leaving. Knowing that soon, her father will find another way out, and they will be together again. But little did she know, The Lord of chaos just might have a little change of heart.
Meanwhile, down below where she had standing, the six had stopped cheerring. After laying eyes on the look of absolute horror and pain, now frozen onto the face of thier enemy; it was pretty hard to celebrate. Even after all the sadistic things he had done to them that day, it was still hard think about what they had just done to him.
"Come on girls. We should go." A certain purple unicorn named Twilight said bluntly, as all but one of them turned around, without othering another word. But not all of them were leaving so soon.
Fluttershy, a timid young pegiesus with a fitting yellow coat and long pink hair that covered half her face, stood there and watched. She was in a trance from looking into the scared expression, now stuck on Discord's face. As she continued starring at his still, but life like form: a look of remorse and pity grew on her face. She knew he was a monster. She knew what he had done. But still.... "Did he really deserve this?" She solemly spoke to herself, as she comtimplated what it could be like to be scilled in stone: but still alive. Was there another way? Was he really all that bad? Could he have been saved? All of these question flew through her head, as she finally managed to turn away. She looked back to give him one last look of pity, before walking away. Sure of one thing: Not even a complete monster deserved something like that.
Two Years Later
Discord stared up into the beutiful and serene butterfly filled sky, completley board out of his mind. It had almost been a full week of uneventful picnics, repetitive bird watching, nature walks, and whatever else his best friend could think of. He had always wonderd how anyone could stand such things, when they could be out having "real" fun. Like creating rivers of rootbeer through town, making upside down tornados, swithcing the unicorns' horns with the pegasi's wings, or even just turning everyponies' house at at 90 degree angle. The only thing that really entertained him was when her friend.... the pink one, would envite them to another one of her mildly amusing "wild" parties. But even that was mandane, atleast compared to all the fun he was tempted to have. But not now. As far as he was concerned, this was Fluttershy's week; and he was going to let her enjoy herself. After all, this may very well be the last chance he had to make her happy. He swore he would make the most of it. Even if that meant pretending that he wouldn't rather be turned back into a statue, then take care of one more weak injured bunny she found in the woods, without the fun of mutating it into a ferocious monster. Which would have given all the little guy's streght back anyway!
He looked up at the yellow mare herself, while she starred happily through a pair of binoculars. Seeing her look so happy, almost made him forget the thought of summoning a gust to scatter these infernal insects across Equestria. But before he knew it, she put down her binoculars and turned around to see him. He quickly put on a fake smile, and acted like he was paying attention to the swarm of butterflies sarrounding them.
But unexpectedley, this just made Fluttershy start to worry. Discord had gone almost a whole week, without a single prank, or even a sarcastic remark. At first, she just assumed he was just making an extra effort to try and reform, or atleast to impress her. But now... he just wasn't acting like himself. She knew deep down something just wasn't right, causing her to give him a worried frown.
It was not long, before Discord noticed the troubled look on the mare's face. "Is something wrong my dear? Usually, you would be quiet captivated by the movement of tiny animals." He finished, while conjuring one inside the palm of his talen.
"Oh! oh, yes. They are quiet nice." The young Pegasis responded, pulled out of her current daze. She then looked at him with her beutiful, yet worried green eyes. "Discord? Are you feeling... alright? You don't seem lik... like you." She said, starting to look down towards the ground, as a troubled look grew on the spirit's face.
Discord was cought off guard by the question. The girl's queit and docile nature, always made it very easy to forget, she was not as naive and foolish as she may seem. But regardless, he was quick to respond. "Of course. What do you meen?"
"It's just... yo.. you.... seem toubled? That's all." The last part was said so softly, it was practecly a whisper.
The lord of chaos sighed. He knew he was going to have to explain what was happening eventually, but just not now.
Discord: Flutters, I think you shoul...
"DIIIIIISSSSSCOOOORRRRD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Several voices said in unison, as sixfigures came running over the horizon. One by one, revealing themselves to be: A furiouse Rainbow Dash, coverd in solid black ash. An equally angry AppleJack, also covered in ash. A dripping Rarity who had an angry look that could not be put in words, with a completley soaked mane. A normal and happy pinkie pie. And finally. A very annoyed Spike, who seemed to be holding...... An infant Twilight? Who was sleeping in a small blanket, he had wrapped her up in.
"YES!!!!!!" The spirit cheered loudly inside his head. He could always count on Fluttershy's annoying friends to interupt him, with their endless complaining about every little thing. Serously, these ponies complained everytime he made a river flow backwards. He grinned, as Fluttershy gave out a very scared and confused look. "So.... What's up?" He casually stated, causing four already furiouse little ponies, to grind their teeth.
"That's It! We're turning him back to stone." a certain pegasus yelled, before flying up to tackle their "friend". Only to be pulled back, by a still angry, but much more calm and level headed farm pony.
"Don't ya play dumb with us, ya varmint. Ya know what y'all done." AppleJack glared, at the serpent. Who in return, only raised an eyebrow and gave her a curiouse glance. She was about say somthing else, but before she could open her mouth, Fluttershy finally worked up the courage to bud in.
Fluttershy:"Girls! calm down. I'm sure if you explain what happened we coul....
RD: He set my cloud house! ON FIRE!!!!!
AJ: Then, he made her house rain ash! ALL OVER THE FARM!!!!!!
Rarity: HE MADE IT RAIN CHOCLATE MILK!!!!!!! ALL OVER THE DRESSES!!!!! I. JUST. NOW. FINISHED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pinkie: I DON'T KNOW WHY WE'RE SO MAD!!!!! BUT IT'S SO FUN!!!!!! Also, I found a lot of threatning letters in my room. They were written in blood for some reason.
Spike simply raised the now tiny Twilight Sparkle, who somehow was just starting to wake up from all this, and let out a soft, yet audible cry. Before he took his turn glaring at the spirit."He also painted "I will get you": all over every book in the Libary." The young dragon stated, in a much calmer, but still frustrated voice.
Fluttershy turned to look at Discord: who just shrugged and gave her an inoccent look. "Girls, I'm sure there's a perfectley good explanation for all this." She stated, as much to herself as to her friends, before calmly contiuing. "Now Spike. Are you sure Twilight didn't just have another magical accident? This wouldn't be the first time, she accidently turned herself into a cute little foal." All this statement did, was turn the young drakes glare towards her, while twilight just kept on crying. She backed away nervously, before letting out a nervouse little chuckle. She then, wisley turned her head towards the other four ponies. "Now everypony should just listen to what Discor..."
Before Fluttershy could finish, she was rather loudly interupted. "We all know he's the one that did this! Stop trying to protect him!" Rainbow Dash snapped at her friend. Causing Fluttershy to jump back, now terified at the cyan pegasus. Seeing the tears forming in her eyes, Rainbow immediatly realised what she had just done. But before she could say another word: there was a blinding flash of light, that soon made way for a now angry spirit.
"Wait just one minute! Pony! You can say whatever it is you came here to say to me! But leave HER out of this!" Discord furiously shouted, while pointing to his now quivering friend. Once again, Rainbow's blood begain to boil over, as she turned back to the angry spirit. "And for your information. I had NOTHING to do with whatever it is, you ponies came here whinign on about!"
"Well, who else could have done all this!" Rainbow pointed her hoof accusingly at Discord; who who only responded by giving her an even more menacing glare. Almost, as if he was thinking about doing some pretty nasty things to the pony. "I even saw that same little pink filly.... thing flying around, that I kept seeing when yo.. ahhh!"
All of a sudden, Discord used his dragon like tail, to grab the pegasus and pull her closer to his face. Rainbow struggled to get free for second, before looking up to glare at the spirit, once again with enough rage to melt a volcano. But to her confusion, the look of anger on Discords face, had some how turned into that of confusion and worry. She was waiting for him to start doing who knows what to her, but for several long minutes, he was uncharacterisctly silent. Not a single sound was coming from usually talkative creature of chaos. It was even starting to creep her out, while fluttershy was now worried about both of them, but had no idea what to do. "Ah, Discord." That was all she managed to say, before the spirit was instantly out of his trance and let the now very confused pegasus go. He then, very calm quietly turned back to Fluttershy.
Discord: I think we have a little problem.
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The premise in itself is good. There are some spelling and grammar errors that are a little distracting though. I'd say to get an editor.
Also:
Basically every other instance where it's like (Character's name): (Their bit of dialogue.) Never, ever do this. It's one of the things on the list of rules when submitting stories.
Other than that, it's not bad.
I'll have to echo the "interesting idea but needs an editor" sentiment.
Okay so first things first I've got a long list of fixes but if you get to the end I have something to say.
I believe he has the head of a goat though I could be wrong.
You need to either make them all 2 or all two.
I beleive you mean radiated.
Tears
inevitable
enveloped
It's either 'before looking in horror one last time' or it's 'before crying out on horror one last time'
I think you left out a word
sorounding
things
else and remove the comma it isn't needed.
You do a good job of letting us know that it is discord who is speaking, you don't need to use 'Discord:' though you should consider italisizing it when he talks
Bastard or Blasted (which ever you were going to use)
get rid of the period before the and don't replace it with anything.
and gave a little smile
Substitute will for would
Their
Offering. Also take out all the commas and change the period to a comma
The description of fluttershy doesn't fit in smoothly and since all readers know who she is it isn't nessacary. Though if you wanted you could leave out her name and use 'A timid pink and yellow pegusus' or somthing similar instead.
Sealed. what is a colin doing there?
Replace the : with a , Also beutiful line
Bored. Unless his head is turned into a board, then it would be a pun
Wondered
Switching
Invite
Mundane
Straight or Strength.
Stared. You should change either Happy or Happilly into a synonem, using the term happy twice so close together isn't the best idea try, contently or content
Talon
Beautiful
frogot the e on the first like.
mean. The 'of course' seems out of place.
forgot the u on the first you
Shouldn't that be in quotation marks or is he talking in her head? also cut out the l on should and put a - instead of ... It adds an interupted effect
Furious
Nervous
Remove the period
take out the first ! of both
Whineing. remove the on
again is he thinking this, talking using his mind, or just talking.
I like this story, I can't wait to see where it's going, but it seems like you wrote this and immediately posted it with out going back over it. Some of the characters feel a bit OOC and you use commas too often and it makes reading harder, you need to go through and decide which ones are necessary. when you describe discord being turned to stone it feels like your trying to hard to make it sound dramatic and ... actually I don't know the word. You need to tone it down and take sometime combing it over till it shines.
This is actually the first time I was driven to go through and pick out the errors. I don't mean this as an insult quite the contrary, I thought this was worth the time. Try to take more time in revising and it will go a long way towards changing this decent story into a good story. As frustrating as it might be (and trust me I know from experience) try to go back and improve this chapter before going to the next one.
I can't wait to see what happens .
5614959 *surrounded
*whining
three words: please write more
5615151
Hey I never claimed I had the right answers
5615449 Wow. I knew I'd have a lot of mistakes, but just.... wow. But anyhow: Don't worry I'm getting an editor, before my next post. I never thought I'd say this, but thinks for pointing out all my mistakes.
Yeah, even I wasn't sure about doing that. Personally It seemed more practical, since you can clearly tell who is speaking. But, I'm of going to take everyone's advice and just use "word" from now on.
5615228
Can do.
5615449 But... you were... correcting him...
You kinda need the right answers to make corrections.
5615554
ah incorrect, I was simply making some observations and suggestions. Also your argument is invalid because of moonbeam labcoat
The next chapter should be ready Mon.-Tues.