With the new Friendship Rainbow Kingdom erected in Ponyville, The mane 6 plan to celebrate with a party where anypony in Ponyville is invited. A sudden knock on the Kingdom's door however, will create a chain of events that all revolve around one former Great and Powerful pony.
Twilight, being concerned for the roughed up pony, seems to be the only one, as the other 5 ponies still think of Trixie as the pompous and jealous pony she once was.
Can Trixie prove to each other pony that she has truly changed for the better?
Read along as Trixie gives up being a magician to find something that she would be truly good at without hurting or making anypony else sad like she did in the past.
Chapters (12)
This is awsome¨!
Personally I take issue with the characterization of the mane six. I get that you're trying to stir up drama, but if you're going to make them harsh on a dirty, broken pony, then at least don't make Twilight so much more empathetic than the rest of them. Even if they all held a grudge, each of the elements is a bit of a sucker and would probably want to help someone in need.
That being said, you haven't done anything unforgivable yet. Although, you shouldn't mark the story as complete until all the chapters have been posted. Good luck!
This looks interesting. However, that Tragedy tag scares me. That usually means the story will not have a happy ending.
5559953
I think I might have misstagged that. There is a tragic moment that happens later in the story, however, it's not what you may be thinking it might be. Thanks for the favorite! ^_^
5559847
I understand your critique, and I just want you to know that I took that into account when creating this story. Infact, I think you will see even see in the next chapter that your perspective on that starts to go away. Stay tuned, and thanks for the critique! ^_^
5559818
Wait till you see the rest of the story ;) haha stay tuned! Thanks for the comment!
5560626
Really? I created this with this title in mind, an in no way did I copy it from anywhere. Can you provide a link to the story? I'm on mobile phone until I get off work, so I can't see. Thanks for letting me know though.
5560704
Hmm. It seems like a short story, or a story they didn't finish. I made this story about a week ago, and until last night, I had never visited FimFiction. Regardless, I suppose that if its a big issue, that I can change the name, though I don't think anyone minds if I keep it this way. Thanks for linking it though.
Now, what is in that locket? What will happen when/if Rainbow Dash get caught snooping?
Double the Trixie. :P
5562755
DAMN THE FUCKING TYPO's!!!!!! HAHA thanks for pointing that out XD
5562715
FIND OUT ON THE NEXT EXCITING EPISODE OF... DRAGON BALL Z!!!!! HAHA
5562797 As long as this story does DRAG ON.
5562813
I promise, no scenes that take 3 or more chapters to complete like it takes a season of DBZ to have Goku turn super saiyan haha
5562796 No problem, just trying to help. :D
Great story but RD and AJ better not be planning of doing anything drastic or something of that magnitude.
But all I have to say is to AJ and RD is to give Trixie a fucking break!
5569568
I guess you'll have to keep reading and FIND OUT WON'T YOU!!!! HAHAHAHAHA
I just released chapter 3, so continue on reading, and thanks for commenting me fellow ponebro (\
I don't blame Trixie. I hate bees also.
Oh. A new Trixie-redemption story.
Favorite character - favorite theme.
You have my interest.
I always did like Trixie, even as a boastful show off, and I adore redemption stories about her. Liked faved and followed.
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5571522
I'm glad that you two are enjoying my story. I appreciate every favorite like and follow you all give me. It keeps me motivated for sure haha.
5572010 I'm actually trying to work Trixie into my own fic, but that's not until a ways in.
5572110
Well Trixie is best pony after all, haha. Do it!
5572010
Well then. I write this comment while I read the story.
As said - the theme aswell the character is interesting.
Your writing is not bad. There are a few issues and typos - but nothing too distracting after all.
Espeacially there are some wrong capitalizations. (4th paragraph "A Chuckling, Twilight said" - either "Chuckling, Twilight said" or "A chuckling Twilight said" or 7th paragraph "A Sceptical Twilight replied - "A sceptical..."
- You use the word kingdom to describe the castle. It could be some euphemism after all - but it feels a bit off. I would suggest "castle" or "palace" or something. Trixie cannot knock on a kingdoms door - unless its borders are walled.
- You tend to use the same word over and over again. This isn't a error per say - but variety is more convinient for the reader. So if it comes to things like "make a dress, make a dress, make a dress" - you could use "make dresses" instead, or just using "this".
- I would suggest to replace the term mane 6 to describe the mane 6. Its a meta-term used by the fan community and no word used inside the MLP-universe. So in my opinion something like "the element-bearers", "the elements", or something in this line blends better in the world.
- you use very much "telling". Things like "Trixie began to feel horrible and looked down in shame. Pinkie noticed this and began to feel bad for Trixie. or "Rainbow Dash got annoyed by Applejack's tone" You tell the reader about the feelings of the characters. While it reveals informations pretty fast it feels bland Showing instead produces more immersion. you SHOW in your first example "and looked down in shame" exact one thing.
"Trixies eyes went wide, as she gazed at the mess. She tilted her head towards Pinkie, stammered a few sounds to finally look down with sad narrowed eyes, exhaling lowly. Pinkie calmed on an instant. Unsure what to say for a moment she raised her hoof, lowered it, just to lay it finally on Trixies shoulder, a faint smile on her face." You basically say the same - but I bet - this way you feel the situation more intensive. Its not that hard - just imagine HOW a character would react if he or she felt terrible, excited, more happy then ever in her life and so on. Let your characters actually DO more instead of tell us what they do.
I promise this add so much to the atmosphere of a story.
To the story itself:
Spoiler aleart. As the editor here allows spoiler-tags just paragaph-wise and is therefore a pain to apply on a whole text - just assume anything beyond this point as spoiler.
I have to agree with Shigawan here 5559847. The reaction of the characters is too harsh to be believable. For Rainbow it would be ok. She is a bit more harsh and resentfull. Applejack would be still disappointed. But especially Fluttershy should be one of the first ponies to give Trixie a second chance. Even more then Twilight (given Fluttershys resp. Twilights behavioir towards Discord).
Rarity would be more forgiving, too. But you let the characters here basically all act the same way.
I don't think it would do your plot any harm to describe some mixed reactions of the characters. If anything it would improve the experience.
Beginning the second chapter, my feeling that with the first one is something wrong amplified. First you let talk Pinkie in the same chorus as the others - just to pull a nice forgivness-scene a few lines after... You really should rework the characterization in the first chapter.
Basically the situation of the second chapter is about that what I described above. Maybe you should merge the two chapters. Or make a better transition between the ill-tempered ponies in the first chapter and the forgiving ones in the second. The change between the two situations is relative harsh.
I believe its hard to write a broken and mortified Trixie. In your version she is completly different from what we know of her show-appereances. However characterisation is up to you. This is ok so far - I have an idea where your story could lead to.
But what me annoyes somewhat is her somewhat bootlicking behaviour. To discribe any location as the most bestest ever and any character she meet as so much better then herself is a bit strange.
But all in all it is a nice read so far. Really - don't let you get distractet from the lenghty critique I wrote. Actually I enjoyed the ride and I am looking forward to more.
5573112
Thank you Pankra for taking your time out of your day to read and review my story. You have pointed out a lot of things that I'll definitely take a second look at once I get back to working on chapter 6. This is my first ever time creating a story like this, and I wanted to go with the idea that you could possibly see my story as an actual episode of mlp.
I didn't want to make another Trixie goes away but comes back, once again, for more revenge kind of story you know? I wanted to build on an idea that there is a reason why Trixie has always proclaimed herself to be the best and hated when someone proved her wrong. A "secret" if you will, and I think you'll begin to see that once the chapters keep coming in.
I know, my typos and use of the same words is something that bugs me all the time. I have never really been good at writing, but I've always had ideas that I've wanted to out on paper. I'll try to make it not seem soo repetitive with these next few chapters, and fix those typos you pointed out.
The use of kingdom for the castle is, well, there's no technical official name for it yet as far as I know, so I just went with the name of the toy that's based off of the castle haha.
As far as chapter 1 & 2 go, I can see where your coming from. I didn't intend on making the "elements" haha seem like jerks, just that they still looked at Trixie as the Trixie that tried to enslave them. I went with the idea that after Trixie asked twilight for forgiveness, she upwent and left, not asking the other 5 ponies if they forgave her aswell, hence theme still being upset at Trixie. If you noticed though, I didn't have Fluttershy say anything bad towards Trixie. Granted it could be explained more, but it was a say to imply that Fluttershy had nothing bad to say to Trixie. I can still see where you were coming from though and perhaps I will fix that up when I have some extra time.
I wanted to say that I appreciate that fact that, despite these flaws in my story, that you are still enjoying it. It lets me know that I'm doing something right at least haha. Thank you for reading and if you feel like doing so, continue to read, and if you ever need me to critique any story you make, I'll gladly do so!!! Thanks again ^_^ /)
A minor note, but the name Trixie means 'bringer of joy'.
I've always liked that. Made me think that Trixie would be a big hit with little colts and fillies.
5573705
Hint* hint* haha
Twilight seem to be channeling Fluttershy in this.
Protip: Don't call them the Mane Six in the narration. (Certainly don't call them the "mane 6.") It's a fan nickname, not their official team name.
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5573465
I like your story indeed.
I've written one on the same theme (Trixie redemption). But It focuses around the events before Trixie eventually apologizes and come back to Ponyville - and I've always thought about a sequel for the things taking place IN Ponyville itself, after her comeback. So reading your work feels like this idea come to life.
And I editet it three times over for typos and better wording. So just as tip - a complete story isn't complete. I bet, looking over my thing once more would reveal another heap of mistakes
5574338
THE DISASTROUS BEES!!!! HAHA
5574703
A Sequel that came to LIFE!!!!
Haha
I swear, typos get me all the time. I consistently have to go back an retype like a quarter of my words sometimes, and even then I somehow miss some haha. Regardless, thanks for the appreciation. I might check out your story sometime when I'm done with this one. Could be nice to get and idea of what a prequel could be to this haha
I really like this story, continue on!
Keep this up.
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5575368
Thank you both! I hope you enjoy the rest of the story! What's your favorite parts so far?
5575561 The scene dealing with Spike blowing up at Trixie when she was simply hanging with her. But I love Rarity hanging with her nonetheless.
5575561 the part where Dash thought Trixie made that filly cry but only to realize she was getting the kite out of the tree.
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5575925
That's great to know! Thanks for reading and I hope you will continue to do so!
If you ever have anything to ask me about the story or if there is something you don't like, feel free to let me know!
media.giphy.com/media/N0zmeu2pezYVq/giphy.gif
Angel.
This is hilarious! I got to have more. What will Rainbow do all the while. And what's with that mysterious necklace? And why am I thinking these things?
Despite all the hardships Trixie has overcome - she feels a bit too bootlicking and sensitive for my taste.
Just my personal opinion.
5583134
I fell over laughing
5583243
Have no fear! All your questions will be answered! Well, except maybe you questioning yourself haha
5583572
Fair enough. Everyone's entitled to their opinion, and along with that, their critique so thanks for sharing yours.
Some minor things here:
- Ok - we know Discord had changed after the S4 finale. But why does he don't cause the littlest bit of funny chaotic tricks? Nothing? Thats hard to believe.
- The dead branches were hard to break off, because she never used her magic for more then tricks.... after all she worked on a rock farm.
5583681
To be fair, when we saw Trixie work on a rock farm in the show, she was breaking a small rock with a regular hammer. I wasn't implying that she used her magic Just for tricks, but that it was tricks she used it mostly for. I might've misworded it to make it seem like that, and I'll go back and see if I can correct that.
As far as Discord goes, I suppose I could've added something along those lines, just didn't think about it at the time. I'll remember that though for the future. Thanks!
5583813
To be honest I felt like it was a little bit rushed, but it's still a like able story.
5584351
That's understandable. Thanks for the feedback ^_^
SPIKE! You have no idea what you have done!! But you will.
5583620 LOL. I can't wait to see what you do with the others and Trixie.