The Great and Powerful Failure

by Sarizon

Chapter 5 - The Generous Seamstress

Trixie ran as fast as she could. Taking a glimpse at the town clock, it was almost noon, and Trixie just hoped she wouldn't miss Rarity because of lunch time. Luckily, Trixie made it to Rarity's. She read the sign on the door, "The Carousel Boutique." "A bit of an odd name for a fashion store," thought Trixie. Regardless, she opened the door, and entered.

Trixie looked around the store. It was filled with very vibrant colors everywhere with an obvious carnival theme, hence the name of the store. Trixie noticed the rack of dresses to her left. She was fascinated with how the dresses looked. Their different designs, along with the accessories and color choices, Trixie could only imagine ever owning a dress like these, much less designing one.

Rarity heard the door bell ring, and was soon out from behind a curtain where she worked.

Rarity asked, "Hello? Who is it?...Ah yes, Trixie! Welcome to my home and workplace."

Trixie nodded and said, "Hello, Rarity. Your home is quite fascinating, and my, what an exquisite amount of dresses you have created."

"Why thank you, darling. They are magnificent aren't they?" said a proud Rarity.

"They are indeed. So, I guess I'm here to try and make one myself?" asked Trixie.

Rarity replied, "Well of course you are. Here, follow me to the back.

Trixie nodded, and followed Rarity to the back of the store. When she entered behind the curtain, Trixie noticed all the different fabrics, and accessories Rarity had laying around, just ready to be used to create a wonderful dress for any special event. Like the Grand Galloping Gala. Trixie did always want to go to it... Maybe she can if she can successfully make a dress. Then again, she couldn't afford the dress afterwards even if she wanted to.

Rarity slid a stool next to the one in front of her Sewing Machine. Rarity brought over a box full of different thread colors, and told Trixie to have a seat next to her.

"Okay Trixie, making a dress for the first time can be quite stressful. It does take a lot of time and patience to make a dress, well, that is if you want it to be the finest quality. I of course have mastered the technique, but even I will still get frustrated when it comes to making these dresses the best they can be."

"I can only imagine," replied Trixie.

"Well imagine nor more, darling, because you're about to make one! Now, I wasn't sure what to choose for your dress, so I decided to pick colors that matched the colors of your wizard hat and cape. I hope you are fine with that."

Trixie remembered that she left her hat and cape on the castle steps, and didn't see any sign of them when she walked into the castle. Curious, she asked Rarity about it.

"Speaking of my hat and cape... Did you happen to see if anyone too-"

Before she finished her sentence, Rarity presented a present to Trixie. Trixie was shocked at the sight of the present.

"F-For me?" She asked.

Rarity nodded and said, "Of course, Trixie. Take this as a token of my appreciation for you coming and apologizing to me. I am a generous pony after all."

Trixie thanked Rarity and wanted to open it, but the gift wrap and ribbon were so beautiful, she couldn't bring herself to do it.

"Rarity, it's so lovely, but do you think I could open it later? The wrapping paper and ribbon are so beautiful. I wouldn't want to tear it up right away," said Trixie.

Rarity chuckled and replied,"Of course you can, Trixie. It's almost noon, so you can open it when we leave for lunch."

"Lunch?" asked Trixie, "Oh, but I don't have any bits for a meal."

"Atata, say no more. I have a lunch already made for you," said Rarity as she presented Trixie with a lunch basket.

Trixie felt so flattered, and cared for. It's something she hadn't felt in a long time.

"Thank you, Rarity," Trixie said with a big smile, "It means a lot that you would do this for me, even though I just returned today."

"Absolutely deary, now let's get you started on your dress."

Trixie nodded as they both began working with the supplies.

Curious, Rarity asked, "Have you ever made a dress before, Trixie?"

Trixie replied, "Well, I've always wanted to. Unfortunately, my family wasn't the richest, so I had to make due with what I had. My mother..."

Trixie took a deep breath before continuing.

"...My mother made my hat and cape that I used to wear. So I always wore that and sort of pretended that it was a dress. Obviously it wasn't, and the other Fillies would make fun of me, but I never let it get to me, because I knew my mother made it because she cared for me..."

Rarity noticed that Trixie looked kind of down after saying that and put her hoof on Trixie's right shoulder.

"It's alright Trixie. You needn't say more. I'm sure that she did make it with love and care in every stitch."

Trixie nodded and Rarity began showing her the basics of making a dress. To Trixie's surprise, making a dress didn't seem as difficult as she thought it would be. In fact, she rather seemed to be enjoying herself with Rarity. Rarity was by Trixie's side the whole time, and with every step, Trixie grew more interested in finishing the dress. An hour passed by, and Rarity looked at the clock on her wall.

"Oh dear, it seems that it's already noon. Let's take a break shall we?" Suggested Rarity.

Trixie, like a little Filly, responded, "Aww, but it was just getting fun, and I'm only halfway finished with the dress."

Rarity laughed, and said, "Don't worry darling, we'll still have plenty of time after lunch. I'm sure you're starving after being out in the cold and rain for so long. I know you will enjoy what I have for you."

Trixie responded, "Well, I am hungry.. Okay Rarity."

"Splendid," said a gleeful Rarity.

Rarity grabbed the Lunch basket, and began walking towards the front door, followed by Trixie.

"Oh. don't forget your present, Trixie," Rarity said.

Trixie couldn't believe she had forgotten the present, and quickly ran back to grab it. She could only imagine what was in the box as both ponies walked out the front door.

Author's Note:

There ya go Everyone. Three chapters in one night! I'm tired so I'll have to make this my last Chapter for today, but I promise I will try to finish Chapter 6 tomorrow and release it. Thanks to everyone for reading my story and enjoying it! Feel free to follow me and favorite my story and you will instantly know when the next chapter will be out! I'm always welcoming of your suggest/critique's and questions, so feel free to post them! See you in chapter 6! (\

Comments

[Pankrazius]

Oh. A new Trixie-redemption story.

Favorite character - favorite theme.
You have my interest.

[Whinifree]

I always did like Trixie, even as a boastful show off, and I adore redemption stories about her. Liked faved and followed.

[Sarizon]

5571223
5571522

I'm glad that you two are enjoying my story. I appreciate every favorite like and follow you all give me. It keeps me motivated for sure haha.

[Whinifree]

5572010 I'm actually trying to work Trixie into my own fic, but that's not until a ways in.

[Sarizon]

5572110

Well Trixie is best pony after all, haha. Do it!

[Pankrazius]

5572010

Well then. I write this comment while I read the story.
As said - the theme aswell the character is interesting.

Your writing is not bad. There are a few issues and typos - but nothing too distracting after all.
Espeacially there are some wrong capitalizations. (4th paragraph "A Chuckling, Twilight said" - either "Chuckling, Twilight said" or "A chuckling Twilight said" or 7th paragraph "A Sceptical Twilight replied - "A sceptical..."

- You use the word kingdom to describe the castle. It could be some euphemism after all - but it feels a bit off. I would suggest "castle" or "palace" or something. Trixie cannot knock on a kingdoms door - unless its borders are walled.

- You tend to use the same word over and over again. This isn't a error per say - but variety is more convinient for the reader. So if it comes to things like "make a dress, make a dress, make a dress" - you could use "make dresses" instead, or just using "this".

- I would suggest to replace the term mane 6 to describe the mane 6. Its a meta-term used by the fan community and no word used inside the MLP-universe. So in my opinion something like "the element-bearers", "the elements", or something in this line blends better in the world.

- you use very much "telling". Things like "Trixie began to feel horrible and looked down in shame. Pinkie noticed this and began to feel bad for Trixie. or "Rainbow Dash got annoyed by Applejack's tone" You tell the reader about the feelings of the characters. While it reveals informations pretty fast it feels bland Showing instead produces more immersion. you SHOW in your first example "and looked down in shame" exact one thing.

"Trixies eyes went wide, as she gazed at the mess. She tilted her head towards Pinkie, stammered a few sounds to finally look down with sad narrowed eyes, exhaling lowly. Pinkie calmed on an instant. Unsure what to say for a moment she raised her hoof, lowered it, just to lay it finally on Trixies shoulder, a faint smile on her face." You basically say the same - but I bet - this way you feel the situation more intensive. Its not that hard - just imagine HOW a character would react if he or she felt terrible, excited, more happy then ever in her life and so on. Let your characters actually DO more instead of tell us what they do.

I promise this add so much to the atmosphere of a story.

To the story itself:
Spoiler aleart. As the editor here allows spoiler-tags just paragaph-wise and is therefore a pain to apply on a whole text - just assume anything beyond this point as spoiler.

I have to agree with Shigawan here 5559847. The reaction of the characters is too harsh to be believable. For Rainbow it would be ok. She is a bit more harsh and resentfull. Applejack would be still disappointed. But especially Fluttershy should be one of the first ponies to give Trixie a second chance. Even more then Twilight (given Fluttershys resp. Twilights behavioir towards Discord).
Rarity would be more forgiving, too. But you let the characters here basically all act the same way.
I don't think it would do your plot any harm to describe some mixed reactions of the characters. If anything it would improve the experience.

Beginning the second chapter, my feeling that with the first one is something wrong amplified. First you let talk Pinkie in the same chorus as the others - just to pull a nice forgivness-scene a few lines after... You really should rework the characterization in the first chapter.
Basically the situation of the second chapter is about that what I described above. Maybe you should merge the two chapters. Or make a better transition between the ill-tempered ponies in the first chapter and the forgiving ones in the second. The change between the two situations is relative harsh.

I believe its hard to write a broken and mortified Trixie. In your version she is completly different from what we know of her show-appereances. However characterisation is up to you. This is ok so far - I have an idea where your story could lead to.
But what me annoyes somewhat is her somewhat bootlicking behaviour. To discribe any location as the most bestest ever and any character she meet as so much better then herself is a bit strange.

But all in all it is a nice read so far. Really - don't let you get distractet from the lenghty critique I wrote. Actually I enjoyed the ride and I am looking forward to more.

[Sarizon]

5573112

Thank you Pankra for taking your time out of your day to read and review my story. You have pointed out a lot of things that I'll definitely take a second look at once I get back to working on chapter 6. This is my first ever time creating a story like this, and I wanted to go with the idea that you could possibly see my story as an actual episode of mlp.

I didn't want to make another Trixie goes away but comes back, once again, for more revenge kind of story you know? I wanted to build on an idea that there is a reason why Trixie has always proclaimed herself to be the best and hated when someone proved her wrong. A "secret" if you will, and I think you'll begin to see that once the chapters keep coming in.

I know, my typos and use of the same words is something that bugs me all the time. I have never really been good at writing, but I've always had ideas that I've wanted to out on paper. I'll try to make it not seem soo repetitive with these next few chapters, and fix those typos you pointed out.

The use of kingdom for the castle is, well, there's no technical official name for it yet as far as I know, so I just went with the name of the toy that's based off of the castle haha.

As far as chapter 1 & 2 go, I can see where your coming from. I didn't intend on making the "elements" haha seem like jerks, just that they still looked at Trixie as the Trixie that tried to enslave them. I went with the idea that after Trixie asked twilight for forgiveness, she upwent and left, not asking the other 5 ponies if they forgave her aswell, hence theme still being upset at Trixie. If you noticed though, I didn't have Fluttershy say anything bad towards Trixie. Granted it could be explained more, but it was a say to imply that Fluttershy had nothing bad to say to Trixie. I can still see where you were coming from though and perhaps I will fix that up when I have some extra time.

I wanted to say that I appreciate that fact that, despite these flaws in my story, that you are still enjoying it. It lets me know that I'm doing something right at least haha. Thank you for reading and if you feel like doing so, continue to read, and if you ever need me to critique any story you make, I'll gladly do so!!! Thanks again ^_^ /)

[Sarizon]

5573705

Hint* hint* haha

[Pankrazius]

5573465
I like your story indeed.
I've written one on the same theme (Trixie redemption). But It focuses around the events before Trixie eventually apologizes and come back to Ponyville - and I've always thought about a sequel for the things taking place IN Ponyville itself, after her comeback. So reading your work feels like this idea come to life.

And I editet it three times over for typos and better wording. So just as tip - a complete story isn't complete. I bet, looking over my thing once more would reveal another heap of mistakes

[Sarizon]

5574338

THE DISASTROUS BEES!!!! HAHA

[Sarizon]

5574703

A Sequel that came to LIFE!!!! Haha

I swear, typos get me all the time. I consistently have to go back an retype like a quarter of my words sometimes, and even then I somehow miss some haha. Regardless, thanks for the appreciation. I might check out your story sometime when I'm done with this one. Could be nice to get and idea of what a prequel could be to this haha