Completely Necessary Brunch Chapter
Shining Armor slowly followed behind King Sombra as the dark stallion stopped at each door along the elaborate hall. With odd enthusiasm he pushed open every one to explain what was inside.
Sombra extended a hoof into the next room. “And here’s the castle gym. And two doors down is the pool. No one’s allowed to use that but me… and now you, I guess.”
Shining nodded glumly and walked along, hopeful to cut the castle tour as short as could be. At the time, he had a lot on the mind—mostly bitter and cheerless thoughts. But that didn’t mean he couldn’t tell Sombra just what he thought.
He stopped in the middle of the hall. “Why is your cape so much longer than mine?”
Sombra turned and cocked his head to look at Shining’s new cape. While his was blood red, Shining’s was royal blue, and a good several inches shorter.
Sombra grinned pleasantly. “My cape hides what needs to be hidden, should I choose not to wear my armor one day. Your cape is made to show off the Empire’s new royal assets, if you catch my meaning.”
Shining thought a deaf pony could catch his meaning. He still didn’t enjoy having his plot left to hang out in the breeze, especially given a new cape to wear around. Ignoring one annoyance for the time, he tried for the next on his list.
He told Sombra bluntly, “I could have showered by myself, you know. I’ve been doing it quite a while at this point.”
The King lightly shook his head. “But you might have fallen and hurt yourself, Shining. And how would you have reached all those hard to reach spots?”
Shining glared at him. “There was a luffa and I have a horn.”
Sombra tipped him a wink. “But my horn’s much bigger.”
Shinning angled his head to the ground, wanting to lie down and just stop doing anything at all. As tempted as he was to think things couldn’t possibly get any worse, he always knew Sombra would find a way.
He sighed. “I liked you so much better when I thought you were going to kill me.”
Sombra put a hoof on his back. “That should teach you that not all villains are one-dimensional creatures.” He pushed him along. “Come now. Time for brunch.”
***
Pulling out his seat, Shining sat down gingergly and couldn’t think of a moment he felt less hungry. Even though Sombra’s dinning room was much larger than any in Canterlot, it held only a single long table. In a single corner, he and Sombra sat; Shining instantly noting each sparkling plate and utensil.
Sombra unfurled his napkin along his lap. “Whatever you want, my chefs will make it. If they don’t know how, I’ll dispose of them and find someone that does.”
Shining shut his eyes. “I never said I’d be staying with you.”
“What else would you do? Cadence is gone. Your sister is boring as dirt. You could have whatever you wanted here.”
Now it was Shining’s turn to smirk. “And if all I wanted was you gone from here?”
Sombra stared down at his empty plate. “Now that’s just uncalled for, Shining, considering I’m being so blunt about my emotions for you.”
He said thickly, “If you really loved someone, Sombra, you’d set them free.”
At that, Sombra laughed. “And yet you forget that I’m a complete asshole that only cares about what he wants. And at the moment, that is you. So buck up, my prince. The only way I’ll allow any changes to my kingdom is if you’re by my side.”
Shining put his heavy head on a hoof. “We’ll see.”
A unicorn dressed in pristine white came around the table to fill both water glasses. Once done, he stood by the King’s side with a levitating notepad. “And what would you like today, my King?”
“I’ll have an omelet with cheese and peppers, fresh pineapple, and a side of bacon—nearly burnt.”
The servant nodded. “Very good. And for… you?”
Sombra chuckled. “This is Shining Armor, and he’ll be staying here for some time as my personal guest. I’m adding more enthusiasm to the word personal because we had sex less than thirty minutes ago.”
The servant nodded again. “Very good, my King. And what would Shining Armor like to eat?”
Shining looked at the servant and then to his polished knife on the table, suddenly curious if he’d have enough strength to jab it in the side of his neck should the situation call for it. One more terrible joke from Sombra should do it, he believed.
He looked up at the servant. “I won’t be eating. I don’t think I’ll ever be eating again.”
Sombra rolled his eyes and said to his servant, “Oh, ignore grumpy butt for the moment. He’s only sore because I tricked him into an unwanted gay experience and now he’s confused about his sexuality… and possibly because I said if he leaves, I’ll kill everyone in this kingdom. But I’m sure once Stock-hoof syndrome kicks in, he’ll be as right as rain. On that note, let’s see how we’re doing.”
He leaned across the table. “Do you like me yet?”
Shining said dryly, “You’ve somehow gone from the worst villain in Equestria to something worse than I ever thought possible. I was worried before that you were going to kill me, and now I’m worried you’ll keep me alive for dozens of years to systematically torture me with your bizarre imitation of love.”
Sombra turned to the servant. “Maybe I’ll ask again in a few hours. But regardless, Shining will have what I’m having.”
Shining huffed. “I don’t even eat meat!”
Sombra shook his head. “Then you’re really missing out, and you might need that extra protein living with me.”
The servant made to leave, but Shining grabbed his shoulder. “Actually, I’ve changed my mind. Bring me every cake and pastry you have.”
The servant hesitated. “Uhh… all right.”
Once he exited the room, Shining leaned back in his seat and crossed his legs over his chest. He smirked at the King. “If I’m forced to stay with you, I’m going to get so fat you’ll have to wheel me down the hall. What else do I have to lose at this point?”
Sombra shook his head and chuckled. “There are spells to keep you neat and trim, my sugar lump. How do you believe I keep such an attractive figure?”
“That’s easy, Sombra. You’ve never had one to begin with.”
Sombra chuckled again. “You keep on insulting me, Shining, and I’ll be forced to shove something a lot less sweet than cake between those lips of yours.”
Instantly, Shining shut his mouth and waited for brunch to be over.
***
The moment they finished descending the rickety wooden stairs at the bottom of the mine, Shining felt a lump form in his throat. All around him he watched the young and the old load crystals into wheelbarrows to trot to locations unknown. Each crystal slave was covered in dirt and each appeared in a state of exhaustion. Those that saw the King enter the mine shivered in fear. Those that noticed Shining standing by his side glanced him over bemused.
He asked Sombra, “Why did you bring me down here?”
Sombra feigned ignorance. “I thought you enjoyed helping others, Shining. And that’s exactly what you’ll do. Starting now.”
The tip of Sombra’s horn shimmered in a faint glow as his voice rang out for every slave to hear. “Greetings to all of my humble workers. It is I, your benevolent King Sombra, with a message for you all.” He wrapped a leg around Shining, pulling him close. “This is Mr. Shining Armor. Say hello to him.”
“Hello, Shining Armor…”
With little energy, the slaves more or less whispered his name, followed by more than a dozen coughs and wheezes.
Sombra continued cheerfully, “Just last night, Shining filled by heart with sunshine in a way I never thought possible. The only problem is he wants to leave my beautiful kingdom and deprive himself of me—truly, an unheard act. But I have promised him that if he stays with me, I will abolish all slavery, and you will all be free to leave this place forever.”
With rising apprehension, Shining watched every slave in view whisper to those closest to them, more than a few jaws dropping from the news. A few of the younger ones even jumped up and down with glee.
Sombra frowned deeply. “But that can only happen if Shining agrees to stay with me. So now I will let the stallion himself inform you of his decision.”
With a powerful leg, he ushered Shining to the center of the area, hundreds of slaves anxiously waiting for him to speak. Shining had never wanted to hit some pony as bad as he wanted to hit Sombra right then. Once again, he had been tricked. Once again, he had been put on the spot.
“I… umm…” Shining could hardly find the words, his throat suddenly dry and the existence of the English language gone from his head. “I guess what Sombra has told you is true. But what he’s leaving out is the fact that he tricked me into all this. And also the large fact that he’s a jerk and every second I’m with him makes me pray for a sudden death.”
The slaves murmured to themselves, as a lone filly walked over to them. With beaming eyes she stared at him, specks of dirt on each cheek.
With a sad squeak in her voice, she said, “But Mr. Armor, I don’t want to be here anymore. I’m tired and I only want to go home. This place is terrible. For everyone.”
A piece of Shining’s heart broke away. He said painfully, “But… Sombra makes the worst jokes; you have no idea. To everyone else he’s just a dark, moody king, but when he’s not around others, he’s just weird. It’s seriously terrible.”
The little filly hitched in a breath. “My parents both died in this mine two weeks ago. And last week both my sister and brother died. And now I think that I’ll die any day now.”
The rest of Shining’s heart fell away to the bottom of his stomach. “But… that’s all emotional pain. And my butt hurts so bad right now, words can’t do it justice.”
A single tear fell down the filly’s cheek as another slave wrapped her in a hug.
She whimpered out, “It’s okay. We understand. It’s up to you what you want to do.”
Shining gritted his teeth and stomped on the ground. “Okay! Fine! I’ll stay! Holy, Celestia, is this ever depressing! Just stop talking in that adorable little voice, all right? Everyone got that? Slavery is done! All thanks to my sore behind! Oh, Celestia, screw you all!”
The cavern erupted in a sea of cheers as every crystal slave threw down their pickaxes and shovels and galloped towards him. Although he tried to deflect as many as he could, dozens of them enveloped him in a hug, shouting their thanks. Shining, begrudgingly, answered with, “You’re welcome.”
Once the cave was clear of slaves, Sombra went over to the deflated stallion, a sly smirk on his lips. “I’ve been meaning to ask, Shining. What’s your favorite day of the week?”
Shining kicked a rock along the ground. “Why does it matter?”
“Because we should get to know each other, obviously.”
Shining sighed. “Friday. Sure, let’s go with Friday.”
Sombra smiled. “Splendid. Then we’ll be married on Friday.”
He thought dourly, I should start keeping my mouth shut permanently.
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Firstly: this continuing is a present surprise.
And secondly: poor Shining, he just can't win here huh? (Unless he goes mad but I doubt that'll work. Sonbra might see it as kinky or something.)
A little thick on the guilt-tripping, slaves of the Crystal Empire you think?
5634467 Question: Sombra was the one who told Shining that she cheated on him when they woke up, so how did he know about it when as far as we know he went at it like a jackrabbit in heat all night?
Never EVER EVER stop making more chapters for this i cant stop laughing!!
I can not stop laughing, the terrible puns, the direct honest truth told to any that will listen, the sore butt references, my god this is one of the truly funniest stories I have ever read! This is right up there with "The Many Death's of Rainbow Dash" in terms of pure hilarity. Please keep them coming, like you said yourself, this is to good to stop now.
5634676 Makes you wonder if it's true, doesn't it?
5634657 Maybe Sombra paid them under the table...
5636293 Oh! So they get tax-free income and they're still bitching? Just, wow.
5641696 Oh, you're a hundred percent right. This is the "Taken" series of gay jokes and puns. I can't help it.
But as long as it pays the bills, I have to keep going. Wait. What's that? I don't make any money off this? Oh, god. Then what am I doing with my life!?!?!
This is joke account where anything goes.
5661401 Out of everything, it's that that grabs your attention? Also, eight times? You must like this ship.
Hello... Anyone there?
5991812 The author may or may not have abandoned this account to concentrate on his other one. I say this not because I am that author, but because of... better reasons than this one... Sorry.
I alway like it when a clop has a cohoes out of gilt in to these type of situation
. I actually hope to see the rest of the store soon
I don't know whether to be amused or disturbed
...wow, possibly disturbing me, Sombra truly is monstrous.
6643475
Sombra is a creep
By the power invested in me, myself and I, (since this story hasn't been updated for over six months) I declare this story to be dead.
My it forever rest in peace.
HHHHMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM>>>>>>><<>>..,.,lmkkijmneuifbvoiyqlebgvoiybeqhwioyfv
*Bangs head on table, causing it to disintegrate*